A BPD parent that I divorced is damaging the children

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Having made false allegations of child abuse to steal the children and my spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to achieve vindication, I am left with a 50:50 custody evaluation and a non copperative coparent. The judge recognized the lies and appropriately punished my ex by giving me legal decision making and awarding me legal fees but she continues to meddle and likely is coaching the kids. How do you deal with this. The courts seems unwilling to hit her with supervision which would determine what is really going on over at her house.

[SleeplessinAZ]

Having made false allegations of child abuse to steal the children and my spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to achieve vindication, I am left with a 50:50 custody evaluation and a non copperative coparent. The judge recognized the lies and appropriately punished my ex by giving me legal decision making and awarding me legal fees but she continues to meddle and likely is coaching the kids. How do you deal with this. The courts seems unwilling to hit her with supervision which would determine what is really going on over at her house.

[Panda39]

Hi SleeplessinAZ,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry you've had such a long and expensive fight going with your ex, unfortunately this is not uncommon when divorcing someone with BPD.  My SO's divorce took 2 years to complete and involved some of the same things you are going through.  Congratulations on receiving legal decision-making that is a really good thing to be awarded.  It seems that so many BPD parents are unable to provide the consistent parenting their kids need it's great that you were able to get control so their basic needs are consistently met.  That said I also know that co-parenting with someone with BPD can be difficult, stressful, and frustrating.

... .but she continues to meddle and likely is coaching the kids. How do you deal with this?... .

When you talk about coaching the kids are you talking about coaching them against you? Parental Alienation?

Can you tell us how old your kids are?  What kinds of behaviors are you seeing from them that have you concerned?  Are your kids receiving any kind of therapy at all?  What is your communication with your ex like?  Is communication frequent? Is it phone calls, texts, emails?  Has your ex been formally diagnosed with BPD or are you like many of us here and the shoe fits so to speak?  Have you done much research or reading about BPD?

Okay that is the end of my 20 questions!    Just trying to get more of a feel for your situation 

I'm really glad you've found us, this site and it's members have been really helpful in my case and I know you will get support, ideas, strategies, and tools that can help in your situation too. 

Again Welcome,
Panda39

[david]

My ex used serious alienation tactics on the kids against me. Eventually it backfired on her. It took several years to get to that point.

[AnuDay]

My ex used serious alienation tactics on the kids against me. Eventually it backfired on her. It took several years to get to that point.

What kind of alienation tactics do they use?  This has always concerned me as after spending extended time alone with pwBPD my children act very reserved around me and don't say much. 

[StayStrongNow]

SleeplessinAz I too have legal decision-making authority of my D11, D9 and S8. I get the same thing especially with the bond that is forming between my D11 and the uxBPDw despite getting calls periodically "daddy can you come and pick us up mommy is that way again." "That way" is a term D11 came up with when the x is having a BPD episode of manic proportions. drinking alcohol, taking non prescription drugs, taking excessive prescription drugs or a combination thereof or all of the above.

Despite all the x's abuse, arrests and convictions, indications from DCFS my kids still miss their mother and love her. They also remember 8 years of the idealization stage and are wishing for those days to come back.

I have gone through quite a learning curve and made mistakes but I try to have as little contact as possible, no JADEing, and keep to the MSA and the Child Custody Agreement. I stopped talking badly about the x in front of the kids and try to show encouragement that she gets better. My D11 misses her mom and told me when she gets older she wants to go to court and live with her. I responded, if that is what you want then after you get an ok from the court then what you want to do is up to you.

I am pretty confident that the x will just continue to circle the drain, she has been in many in patient and out patient clinics and she has apparently duped most of the Ts by playing the victim and perfecting her story using projection.  Also we lost a child of a heart defect and the Ts diagnosed her as PTSD but failed to see other signs indicating she is a pwBPD except for one T and he suggested she see someone else he did not want to work with a BPD. But the other Ts ignored or weren't told about such events as cutting, she cut both wrists one after the death of our daughter but the other 11 years before. There is no doubt to me she has BPD.

All I can do is love my children, hold them, kiss them tell them I love them, I am proud of them, that they are very special in my heart, protect and provide for them, and just be the best parent I can be and I will just let the dice fall where they may. But it pays off when when I hold them, kiss them and tell them I love them, they squeeze me back in a hug and respond they love me.