Splitting, anyway back?

[Jobloggs]

Hi,

My BPD ex broke up with me 6months ago. We were together 10years this time, but were on and off in our teens. We are both in our early 30s.

She has only just been diagnosed with BPD, so as you can imagine our relationship was very up and down. Somewhere along the line it broke me and I became depressed but didn't realise. During this time I told my ex I waned to leave several times. She wouldn't let me leave, then all of a sudden she left me for someone else.

I guess in typical BPD style this wasn't done in a mature way and was very upsetting. Since the split she is taking me to the cleaners, and instead of being horrible about me is turning on my family (who were better parents then her own).

She seems to have found herself a new job and is still with the person she left me for. I cant get my head round how someone who has loved me for half her life can just switch and do this.

Despite everything I would take her back. When BPDs split will they ever see their actions as wrong/regret them?

I've tried to make her jealous to get a reaction from her but she's not bothered. She just doesn't seem to care if I'm alive or dead.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

There's a good chance that she second guesses and regrets many things in her life, but she probably won't show it the way that you would expect her to do so.

It's been said that BPD is a wrapped up in shame. The intense emotions that a person with BPD experiences includes that shame. It's probably easier for her to emote in other ways (projecting) than it is for her to face her shame/regrets.

It will likely be a boon to you to learn all that you can about BPD, how it affects those who have the disorder, and what your role in the relationship was. It is with this knowledge that you can use the tools and lessons here to give yourself the best chance at building a new relationship with her.

I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future. Take care of yourself.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jobloggs,



I'd like to join  Meili in welcoming you to the community. I'm sorry that this is happening to you after all you've been through together. That is really hard. It's one thing to lose someone you love so abruptly, but the immaturity and hostile behavior just adds to the pain.    That's really tough to wrap your head around, especially after being together so long.

You've found a great place for support. You'll find parallels in other members' situations here.

I'm sure your ex. cares if you are alive or dead. As  Meili mentioned, she just might not be able to show it in a way that makes sense to you. I wouldn't recommend using jealousy to try and get her back. Learning as much as you can about BPD and communication skills can help to mend things between you.

Are you still in regular communication?

heartandwhole 

[Jobloggs]

Thank you both.

I am trying to limit the contact I have with her, and keeping communication via my solicitor. She keeps on changing her mind and back tracking on agreements and/not following through on promises.

I have asked her to send any communication through my solicitor though she keeps replying to me directly.

I am trying to limit my communication with her as everytime she contacts me, it sets my recovery back.

She has always accused me of being controlling, so I think her behaviour is her way of taking control. I am doing my best to ignore it as it just adds fuel to the fire whenever I reply.

[Meili]

I am trying to limit my communication with her as everytime she contacts me, it sets my recovery back. 

Does this mean that you've given up on the idea of saving the relationship?

[Jobloggs]

I dont know how to get through to her. She says she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want anything to do with me.

Things were really bad towards the end, i was very depressed and wasn't a good partner, i told her i didn't love her anymore several times. She said i broke her and she doesn't want me back.

I dont know what to do. We've loved each other for half our lives, I'm see many mistakes i made. I just cant believe she has no feelings left at all.

[Jobloggs]

That's what I'm trying to do. Its just so hard.

[Meili]

If you are still trying to save the relationship, the best thing that you can do is stop talking to her about it. All of the "I love yous" and "Can we get back together" do nothing but put emotional pressure on an already emotional situation. Not to mention that it can be seen as clingy and needy. Clingy and needy are not attractive.

What is attractive though, is a strong, confident individual. This is what so many who are trying to save their relationship miss. You have to make yourself attractive to your partner/former partner again. We all attracted them once, we can do it again.

But, if they only see us as weak, clingy, and needy, they will continue to find us unattractive. This is one of the reasons why, around here, we put so much emphasis on focusing on ourselves rather than the relationship. It's a no-lose situation. No matter what the outcome is, being a stronger, more confident, more attractive you is a winning situation.

What are you doing for self-care?

[Jobloggs]

Hi

I'm not being needy, I stopped begging a few months ago. I've kept my distance since then.

Though to now muddy the waters, she has asked to meet me. It sounds as though she is a confused mess and things aren't great with this new person. I'm not sure if she wants to recycle me or has genuine regrets. Nothing was mentioned about an apology.

Self care I am seeing a counsellor have read several books on BPD relationships and conning out of the FOG and have joined many clubs.

[Meili]

It's good that you've stopped begging, that will help you a great deal. What about any other relationship talk? It's usually advisable to not mention the relationship at all unless the other person brings it up, and then to just follow their lead. There's no pressure that way.

I'm also glad to hear that you're doing things to take care of yourself. That'll help you a lot as well.

Are you going to meet with her?

[Jobloggs]

I haven't decided. I said yes, but the date we set is over a week away, and anything can change in that time. I think I will for some sort of closure if nothing else.

She seems very messed up and is in denial about her BPD, so I know unless that changes there is only so much I can change help the situation.

[Meili]

I won't dispute that there is only so much that you can do. We are only in control of ourselves after all.

The typical question is whether or not you are willing to radically accept who she is and all that goes with it? If the success of the relationship is conditioned on her changing, then it's doomed before it begins. If you are willing to accept her and all that is her, that's different and gives you options.

The general idea is to lead by example. Having healthy boundaries lets our SOs know what we will and will not accept. Then it's up to them to make their own choices.

In the article Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy, it talks about getting a pwBPD into therapy.

If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations.  This generally requires a great deal of listening.

To reach that point, we must do a great deal of soul searching and taking deep, hard looks at ourselves and figure out our motivation for moving forward with the relationship.

[Jobloggs]

Thank you. I will read.

I was with her 10years and have known her half my life. I would like to be with her, though things would have to improve from how they were. She would have to go into therapy.

[Meili]

She would have to go into therapy.

At what point? Would she have to commit to going to therapy before you would be willing to reconcile? If so, for how long? How long would she have to go to therapy before you would be willing to reconcile? What would be the catalyst at that point for her to decide to face her fears and go?

I ask those questions in hopes that you have, or will have, a clear understanding of what you are actually saying. None of the questions have to be answered for any of us, just so that you think on them.

Having a clear idea of what we actually mean helps guide us and prevents us from responding out of pure emotion. Around here, we refer to this as being Mindful. Reacting/responding out of pure emotion is dangerous. We don't think clearly at that point. By contract, acting out of pure logic/reason causes us to make choices based on cause and effect and that too causes problems. A combination of the two is healthiest and gives us the best chance at success in whatever we are trying to do.

[Jobloggs]

Thanks that was a helpful.

I guess I would want her to start therapy before we tried again. That way I would have a better idea of knowing that she really does. I have had a think about some other changes/boundaries that I would want in place.

[Jobloggs]

Okay, please help.

I finally decided to say yes and we arranged to meet. The day before she cancelled was she said she couldn't give me what I wanted. She said it was too much pressure. All I said is that I want a chance I want you to come with an open heart and mind. I know it wouldn't be easy. She said no, and we said goodbye.

I then, which I know is stupid begged again. This has resulted in us talking on the phone for the first time in 6 months for over three hours a little bit of us, the rest just chatting like we used to.

From this conversation I gathered the following:

She's said she wanted to meet, as the flat going up for sale has happened quickly and os so final.

She's broken up with the person she cheated on me with but they are good friends. They are polar opposites and dont seem to have anything in common and her small number of friends and family hate her.

This person seems to keep her at arms length and wont include her in her life- there is no future with her.

All this filled me hope, until my ex admitted that they have recently slept together. Now my ex despite common BPDs doesn't sleep around l, she must have feeling for her to do this.

My ex has said she wants to meet me to see of she can feel anything again for me. Until she contacted me I had given up hope and begun to move on.

I just dont get it, why would she ask to meet me, then sleep with this other person?

I love my ex still, I have for half my life. I want to meet her and see but I'm so scared of going back under to a pit of darkness.

Before we got together it was my ex who chased me begged me to get together. I dont know if this is a test or what? Its clear this person she cheated on me with isn't right for her and there isn't a future- but she slpet with her after she asked to meet me.

I just dont know what to do.

[Jobloggs]

Sorry, I also admitted that I have slept with someone since we have separated. This did not seem to bother her in the slightest.

Though she had asked whether i had several times over the last few weeks before I acknowledged her question.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jobloggs,

Have you met up with your gf yet? If you haven't I think going in with very low expectations would be a good move. She is feeling stressed and pressured. If you plead (beg) with her, she may feel even more pressured.

Can you go in with an open heart and have hope without expecting too much? I know how hard that is to do. I've been there. Be honest with her, but let her feel what she feels.

You've been listening to her; keep doing that—it is giving you good information that will help you going forward. 

heartandwhole

[Jobloggs]

Thanks I guess that's what I'll have to do.

I guess I have to have hope that she's asked to meet after not wanting anything to do with me. I figure that must me a good sign.

[Five28]

Hi

I'm not being needy, I stopped begging a few months ago. I've kept my distance since then.

Though to now muddy the waters, she has asked to meet me. It sounds as though she is a confused mess and things aren't great with this new person. I'm not sure if she wants to recycle me or has genuine regrets. Nothing was mentioned about an apology.

Self care I am seeing a counsellor have read several books on BPD relationships and conning out of the FOG and have joined many clubs.

My buddy's wife was BPD, as is my own. After being married for about 27 years, and within a year of his retirement, she left him. Just up and left, reconnecting with an old boyfriend in another state. They ended up divorced and he made out like a bandit. She was making money hand over fist as an account executive, and didn't feel the need to go after the house or his pension. When she moved she no longer had the high paying job and together with her new boy toy probably make less than my friend's pension. Something in her just clicked off, and the marriage was over. My friend didn't understand what happened as he was blindsided, but once some time passed he is in a much, much better place than before. No more "walking on eggshells", no more out of control spending, no more drama. He says he would never go back to the way it was before.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though it hurts right now, maybe it's a good thing and you'll be free of the nonsense that comes with being in a relationship with a BPD. I have been slowly pulling away from mine as well, as the drama is getting tiresome. I'm almost at the point where if she left, I don't think I would even bat an eye. You can only abuse someone for so long before they become numb to it.
I hope whatever happens in your situation that you find peace.

[Jobloggs]

That's what all my friends say, and I was nearing that place. I dont think o can risk meeting as its likely to end in tears.

Thank you, I hope your situation resolves itself one way or the other

[Jobloggs]

Okay... .

So day before she is due to meet me for the second time, i get a message to say, the person she cheated on me with. The one she is no longer with and has nothing in common with, who treats her like crap, who no one likes has been knocked of her bike. Despite the fact that they've spoken on the phone and she seems fine, my ex cant come and meet me as she feels she has to be with her in hospital.

Like what the heck? What is wrong with me! That says all I need to know doesn't it?
I dont kick off. I simple say that mist be very upsetting for you, I hope she's okay. The reply I will come see you as soon as you are free, just let me know. I... not going to reply.

Like seriously, its been 7 months I was doing fine. She's taken my home my dog, half my family's inheritance and still I have her a chance. Now this. Person you've known for 7 months or person you've lived for half your life. I need to stop giving her a chance.

[heartandwhole]

Jobloggs,

That is a really rough feeling. I'm sorry that she cancelled. You handled it very well with your response.

If you can, try not to read too many reasons into it, e.g., that her new friend is more important than you. She might have felt nervous about meeting again, and backed out. Or maybe she just felt her friend needed her. I know how confusing and frustrating it is to take what she says at face value, then get burned when feelings seem to shift daily or hourly. I've been there, and it's tough.    We are not mind-readers, though, so I think we have to respond, like you did, to the information you were given.

She put the ball in your court. You say you won't reply. What's the plan?

heartandwhole

[Jobloggs]

I'm just not going to message her. Hopefully the flat will be sold soon, and then I can move on properly.

I can't deal with this.