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Author Topic: BPD girlfriend does not allow me on FB  (Read 409 times)
AnuDay
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost Recovered
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« on: June 06, 2017, 02:11:31 PM »

My girlfriend and I have major boundary issue problems.  For years I did everything that she wanted me to do to prevent her from going into one of her rages.  I even abandoned using social media sites such as  facebook and instagram because she said she didn't want me on them because I could find a new girlfriend on those sites.  She is allowed to use the sites freely though.  I put up with this for about 6 years until recently.  She has run the whole gamut from hooking up with guys on fb, to trashing me, to posting crude pictures of herself,  and talking about my family.  I have stood by as an innocent bystander (codependent).  She even went so far as to block me and when I blocked her she got mad and told me to unblock her.  I unblocked her and then she unblocked me to see what I was up to and blocked me again.  She sees me being on FB as a serious cause for relationship ending concern.  Since I'm male and can't control my urges in her mind I shouldn't be on facebook.  We are currently broken up, but living together, I am hoping for reconciliation for the sake of the kids, but I do not have high hopes since she is currently in a serious affair. 
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Lollypop
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2017, 03:03:39 PM »

Hi there anuday

I'm normally over in the Parenting Board and I saw your post and just had to reply.

When I first arrived on the site a wise member explained to me that I better make sure my boundaries were good ones because each boundary is 6 feet thick concrete and always comes with a consequence. Once I knew this I decided to only have a few. Boundaries are for the really big stuff like "you will not hit me", limits are the smaller stuff about day to day living and they're both flexible and negotiable.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your troubles with social media. I find social media very stressful myself and will switch it off and on again, months at a time. Once I start to feel sad about my families behaviours and posts I stop logging on as a way of protecting myself.

Why did you decide to go on FB?  If it was to try and help nurture a better relationship with the GF then it might be better to try and do this by talking. The written word in posts and texts can really escalate conflict when the intention is to try and calm things down. I never think straight when I'm highly emotional.

LP

LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
smart_storm26
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2017, 08:03:39 AM »

Hello friend,

I can see exactly whats going on. You are terrible at boundary setting.

"For years I did everything that she wanted me to do to prevent her from going into one of her rages"
Big mistake. This is a huge mistake you can make in front of a girl (BPD or non BPD) if you cannot make a stand for yourself and let her control you like this. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND NOT WHAT SHE ALWAYS WANTS YOU TO DO. You can always discuss things with her, take her opinion on things but never let her decide what you should and should not do. You were scared of her rage and gave in to her unrealistic demands. In short you projected yourself as a 'wimp' in her eyes. If you keep doing this, she will lose all respect for you. And remember love without respect is nothing.

BPDs at first dont enjoy those boundaries their partner sets but they get the message that their partner is strong and wont take bad behavior and therefore they learn to respect their partner more. You failed terribly in this area

The first thing that you do today is re-activate your facebook profile. No need to block her. Let her see you owning back your manliness. If she objects, tell her politely that you do not agree with her. Tell her that you will not allow her to dictate what social networks you will use or not use (setting boundaries). If she tells you that you will get a girlfriend from facebook tell her 'I know I am loyal in my relationship and will not be carried away by facebooking to get a new girlfriend. You really need to stop being so insecure. You cannot facebook yourself and ask me not to. Thats unfair. Tell her that you know you are loyal to the relationship. You can go even further and ask her 'Are you?' During anytime while communicating all this to her, do not rage, always be in control and be polite.

Note that after you take such a strong stand, your gf will test you. She will be surprised. She has only seen the wimpy guy so far. She will pout, accuse you and even go into 'no contact'. But DO NOT GIVE IN. Stand your ground. She will learn to respect you more.

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AnuDay
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: Almost Recovered
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« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2017, 11:59:55 PM »

Thank you Thank you Thank you Lolly and Smart.

I messed up a loong time ago with boundaries with this girl looking back on it.  No wonder I'm a doormat now.  Seems like she is starting to respect me more, but it is a very very minimum amount.  I have been active on fb for about 9 days now and she has the nerve to throw accusations at me while she is having an affair. 

I need to work on my boundary building.  I have a list at least a half mile long of the things that she is "allowed" to do that I am not allowed to do because I am a man and can't control my urges. 

Thank you so much Smart.  I see that it is all about control and domination.  I will read and reread your post until I am not scared to hear her slam a door. 

I guess this process did take a while.  Once she slammed a door on me and I kicked it in.  She used to drive me bezerk with her antics.  I started practicing meditation and mindfulness not worrying about anything and I guess in her eyes I turned into a wimp.  I will have to ponder this one for a while.  Surely there is a way to be mindful while standing your ground at the same time?
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smart_storm26
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 68


« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2017, 03:21:04 AM »

Women desire men who know how to 'man up'. Google some articles on how to be an 'alpha male'. It will really help you not just with women but in life as well.

Mindfulness is a technique that increases self-awareness and helps you stay in control of your emotions. Mindfulness never tells you to be a doormat for others. It gives you more control of yourself. So definitely you can practice 'mindfulness' and 'standing your ground' together. But what you need immediately is 'standing your ground' first looking at the state your relationship is currently in. Think like this. You are having to take help of mediation/mindfulness because of stress that is coming from your relationship. This stress is originating because there are some problems in your relationship. So first fix your relationship problems. And your problem is 'you dont stand your ground'. So work on that first. Do it one step at a time. If these relationship problems weren't there who knows maybe you wouldnt have even tried meditation. Once you bring your relationship to more stable grounds and she starts respecting you more, you can then further work on yourself with self-improvement techniques, meditation etc.
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AnuDay
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost Recovered
Posts: 240


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« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2017, 09:35:24 PM »

Women desire men who know how to 'man up'. Google some articles on how to be an 'alpha male'. It will really help you not just with women but in life as well.

Mindfulness is a technique that increases self-awareness and helps you stay in control of your emotions. Mindfulness never tells you to be a doormat for others. It gives you more control of yourself. So definitely you can practice 'mindfulness' and 'standing your ground' together. But what you need immediately is 'standing your ground' first looking at the state your relationship is currently in. Think like this. You are having to take help of mediation/mindfulness because of stress that is coming from your relationship. This stress is originating because there are some problems in your relationship. So first fix your relationship problems. And your problem is 'you dont stand your ground'. So work on that first. Do it one step at a time. If these relationship problems weren't there who knows maybe you wouldnt have even tried meditation. Once you bring your relationship to more stable grounds and she starts respecting you more, you can then further work on yourself with self-improvement techniques, meditation etc.

Yes, you are correct.  Actually I was having problems in both professional and non-professional relationships.  I have done a lot of work on myself and this is a reminder that I have a lot more work to do.  Thank you.  You are not the first who has given me this advice.  Also, I notice there are a lot of other men on here who are just infatuated with their BPD gfs no matter what BS they put them through.  I, too was in the same boat many years ago.  It's a dark and lonely path to go down when you have a pwBPD in control of every aspect of your life. 
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