Discarded- Multiple Break-ups

[Zemmma]

I have been discarded (again). This relationship began five years ago. The man I was involved with has BPD tendencies especially during times of stress. We knew each other for three years prior to getting involved. When we began I was in a state of trauma from the sudden abandonment of my husband/partner of almost 30 years. My BPD ex was in the process of leaving his marriage. He jumped in because he said "a door had opened." I was responsive. The BPD traits that he displayed were most prominent during our first year together. I didn't know what I was dealing with at the time but all of the hallmarks were there (although I didn't know about BPD at the time) and I was in such a vulnerable state. I thought at the time that he saved my life. He was there for me around the clock by text and would drop everything to see me always. He elevated me and seemed to fill all of my emotional needs. His words were so compelling that I wrote down or printed out every text he ever sent me in the first three years we were involved (1000's and 1000's of pages). Soon after, followed the splitting, black and white thinking, jealousy, projecting, going through my phone, suspicion, stalking, calling me evil, eavesdropping, accusations, blaming, difficulty with object permanence, and the break ups. In five years he has broken up with me over 15 times. Every time it felt real and caused me intense pain. I keep going back. I keep returning to the idea that he is my true love because when I am with him I feel more content, happier and home than anywhere on earth. When we are apart I am so sad and miss him so much. I find him to be so attractive and love his taste in music, films... We talk for hours on end and he asks questions about every aspect of my life. We get along really well when we are together (when he is not obsessing about the past/ in a dark place, but we never moved in together and I know we could never. That boundary is something he could not accept, and I understand that makes us fundamentally incompatible. I know he wants/ needs someone who will live with him and marry him ("proving" that they love him) and I know I never could, mostly due to his behaviour, but also admittedly because I am protecting myself after a wonderful marriage which ended in a terrible and unexpected divorce. I want him, but can't live with him. That is me asserting my boundaries. The man likes to sleep all day and stay up until dawn. He smokes and drinks A LOT. His moods fluctuate and he obsesses with the past, focuses on negativity and struggles with demons. He says he sees no future with me. I am financially stable and he is a starving artist. I am unwilling to support another man financially (ex didn't work), and am protecting myself from that. These are all reasons to move on, but the emotional connection with him is so strong. I have tried to date others during break ups but if anything this pushes me back to him. The other men all fade in comparison. They bore me. I am not interested. I am convinced he is the one.

He has been very clear this time that he does not want to pursue our relationship further. In the past he has said this, but this time he really seems to mean it. It makes me so sad because its like he recalls a completely different relationship than I do. He always focuses on the bad parts of our relationship while I regard everything with such optimism and rose coloured glasses. I know I have to accept that he felt constant pain.

If anything, he now seems more healthy than ever. He is working out, pursuing his goals and interests and has made the decision to leave me. He seems completely emotionally disconnected from me. He broke up with me five months ago, and we were silent for a long time. Just when I was healing, he contacted me again with a text about how perfect our love and sex life were and thanking me for our time together and for "opening his heart." This at first made me very angry. Even receiving the text triggered me so strongly, I felt it physically. I couldn't read the text for days. But then his mixed messages lured me back in and I went into full pursuit. He let me in and I decided that I would make everything better. I tried to be everything he needed. Over a month, I bought him gifts, took him to dinner, when out with him to play pool and gave him 100% unconditional love. I tried to be my best self. I told him I was willing to change. We spent full days and nights together and got along without any conflict. But he was withholding the emotional side. I thought I was making progress, but has now cut me off again, telling me I am not hearing him when he says he doesn't want a relationship. He just thought we could spend time together alone, but he doesn't want a relationship at all. He says I am just hearing the good stuff (true due to hope and denial). Meanwhile he was texting every day and sleeping with me... His messages are always mixed. I always thought he loved me passionately and if I could just fix the relationship and be what he needs, we would be okay.

Now he has been very clear and he is back in silent mode. He seems to be doing well and has no need for me anymore. I am left once again and have to deal with this alone. I have to accept it is over. Each time he has left (once for 14 months), I have held a torch. But the truth is, despite all of his words and exaggerated claims (that I am the love of his life) there has always been a part of him that is unhappy with me and wanting to leave me. And I am starting to believe he doesn't love me. He is attracted to me but he has recently told me sex and love are two separate things.

I am thinking of joining a 12 step program for Love Addicts! I am seriously pathological about this man now, even though I have graduate degree in psychology and am an accomplished person otherwise. My denial is the most shocking part but I think it is born of all of his ambiguity. He splits so of course this splits me, making it difficult to disengage.

I can leave him alone. As I said, he is doing well, seems content, and has been very clear about wanting to move on. He has been silent for a few days now. It is as though he has completely detached. I have no choice other than to try to want to get over him. Of course I am worried that he will come back because I have no resolve. He has all of the power in this relationship... he has always held the cards. If he contacted me I would jump back in one moment. He just gives me a little opening and I go back to being the pursuer. Problem is, I always end up here. In pain. Over and over. I know he is emotionally underdeveloped and dysregulated and can not sustain this relationship with me, with my boundaries and conditions (not living together) and his decision that we are no longer a good match.

I know I just need to accept it is over, no matter what he says and does. I am tied into this in such a harmful way. I feel I will never truly recover.

He is not healthy for me and I am chasing highs. I wish I could find someone I could feel as passionate about. I am 46 years old and fear I will never find such a strong desire/ love again.

[Mutt]

Hi Zemmma,

Of course I am worried that he will come back because I have no resolve. He has all of the power in this relationship... he has always held the cards. If he contacted me I would jump back in one moment.

You're right it is chasing the high of the idealization phase with a pwBPD, it never goes back to the way that it was at the beginning and the windows where we're split white go from 100%, 80%, 50% and they shortening.
 
It sounds like you know what to do, have you tried self protection with no contact in the past if you recycle the r/s if he contacts you? You're right he will come back if he knows that there's an emotional attachment there, you can take control by taking control of things that you can, your thoughts and feelings, you can set boundaries on yourself when he eventually contacts you.

Sometimes we need the help of a village for support with a break-up with a pwBPD with people that know what it's like. I know that it's not an easy task to detach from a pwBPD, you need to detach to stop the r/s recycling, you can do this, short term pain for long term gain.

[allienoah]

Hang in there Zemma! I can totally relate to what you speak of as I too seem to be unable to detach from my bfwBPD. As I've been told on this forum, and it is true-my head logically knows I need to leave him, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. But it is, slowly. Your story resonates with me because I too have been broken up with too many times to count over my five year r/s. He resorts to "I'm done" everytime he goes on a rage. Sadly I had plans of having him move in with me eventually, and now that is off the table for me. I am not secure in the r/s. He is furious and keeps trying to push it, so that is the cause of many disagreements. Similarly, we get along very well when together and always talk about numerous things. Unfortunately, whenever there is a distraction from anyone from my circle, he gets needy, insecure and possessive. He accuses me of not making him a "priority". He then goes on to say how he needs to quit smoking, lose weight and go to the gym. Then I start wondering if I am going to miss out on the "good"him ... .silly right?
Chasing highs is the perfect way to describe it, my sister says it is like I am hooked on heroin. But the reality is that I, like you, need to accept it is over and detach. There is so much support here for us. So whenever you are feeling vulnerable it is so helpful to know that there are others who know exactly what you are going through.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Zemmma,

Your experience, as with so many on this board, sounds so familiar to me and uncannily similar in so many ways.  I can completely relate to how you are feeling.  Until the moment I took charge of myself, he was in control.  Since that turning point I'm not going to say it's been plain sailing but I have had some serious realisations and made what I consider a great deal of progress under the circumstances.  And it's still early days.  Only 3 months NC yet already I am more optimistic about the future and have claimed it as my own.  The peace from pain is very precious to me and I will protect it from damage by never ever responding to any attempted contact.  You already realise you're in a cycle and one that is leading to no good for yourself.  Take that awareness and allow it to fuel you.  Dig deep and find the resolve to care enough about yourself and your long term happiness to detach from this, no matter how hard it is.  Be with your feelings and allow them to unfold with self compassion and acceptance.  You can get through this. 

I felt my exBPDbf was the one too.  He may have been.  If so he was the one and I'll remember him forever.  Rather that than try to keep persisting at something futile that would never become what I wanted it to be.  It's like a very vivid fantasy that we have been involved in with our very hearts and souls.  We are worth the real thing and perhaps that belief in our own ability to love so deeply is enough.  Turn that love upon yourself right now.  You need it.  The amazing parts of what you've experienced will always be with you yet they are not coming back.  Not in any permanent, lasting and healthy way anyway.  We can stay on the rollercoaster or get off and hold our heads up that we took the ride and survived to tell the tale. 

Your comment about your age struck a chord.  I feel that was a driver with me to persist as I did in trying to make it work.  I had invested so much of myself and at 41 I already didn't expect another relationship to come into my life when I met this man.  He made me feel like there was still hope for me to be loved and accepted.  I choose to take that belief with me.  If the right man is out there, he will find me when I am ready.  If not I will be a better me and be content with that.  For me now, being alone and happy beats being in a torturous relationship.  I'm working on the things that got me into and kept me in this situation with my ex.  In some ways I feel I had to go through all I have with him to get to where I am.  There is a lesson in everything.   

I hope you can find the courage to protect yourself from a possible further recycle in the future, having been on that ride many times already.  You know how it ends.  Remind yourself of that when all you remember is his great qualities.  It doesn't balance out what you've been through and what you would be giving up.  Which is yourself.  You are worth more than that.

Zemmma, these relationships are an addiction, but we all can recover.  Please believe that.  You've come to the right place for support.  Keep posting.

Love and light x