Ran into her last night after 6 months NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was eating dinner with my girlfriend. My amazing girlfriend. We came from the back and as I'm walking towards the front I see her sitting at the bar with her new boyfriend of about four months all over him.   I don't think she saw me.  I believe the guy did and said something to her as she stared straight ahead like a statue.  I wanted her to see me happy.  I walked slow.  My life is so much better without her.  But I'm a little sad today.  My ex wife who I loved so much.  Thought I was over this crap.  Any advice?   Thanks for listening

[Confused99]

I was eating dinner with my girlfriend. My amazing girlfriend. We came from the back and as I'm walking towards the front I see her sitting at the bar with her new boyfriend of about four months all over him.   I don't think she saw me.  I believe the guy did and said something to her as she stared straight ahead like a statue.  I wanted her to see me happy.  I walked slow.  My life is so much better without her.  But I'm a little sad today.  My ex wife who I loved so much.  Thought I was over this crap.  Any advice?   Thanks for listening

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Confused99, Such an encounter is bound to be awkward and to bring up old feelings, so give yourself a break.  Suggest you acknowledge your sad feelings and let them pass.  It might help to to write in a journal, take a walk in the woods or talk to a friend about your feelings, in order to process them.  At the end to the day, you're in a better place with an amazing GF, so you have much to be grateful for.  LJ

[Confused99]

Just seeing her happy turns my stomach.  This is a girl who had a affair then found away to make it my fault.  Then after 6 recycles is painting me black all over town.  Now her 5th bf is again the love of her life.  And he is rich. I want her to fail.   After all I did for her.   I do not want her to be happy

[roberto516]

Just seeing her happy turns my stomach.  This is a girl who had a affair then found away to make it my fault.  Then after 6 recycles is painting me black all over town.  Now her 5th bf is again the love of her life.  And he is rich. I want her to fail.   After all I did for her.   I do not want her to be happy

Yeah this is the part I need to work on. I hate knowing that she is doing well in her life right now. A part of me really really hopes she fails. I hope she finds someone who doesn't love her, or who treats her unwell. Sadly, a part of me really wishes for some catastrophe to fall upon her. Then again, my first BPD ex was 5 years ago and I don't care what she's doing in life now. So I guess in time we all begin to feel an indifference? Maybe .

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Confused99, As a practical matter, what difference -- whether she's happy or unhappy -- does it make to you at this point?  If she were unhappy, would that make a difference in your life?  It's doubtful.  I would suggest that your outlook need not depend on her at all, and you might feel better overall if you let go of your need to see her fail.

LuckyJim

[Confused99]

Lucky Jim.  Thx for replies and you are right.  I guess I am not there yet.  I should not care.  But after how bad she tells everyone I am I still want her to suffer.  I have read a lot and I'm hopeful her inner devil will come out in time with this guy also.   

[hopealways]

Just seeing her happy turns my stomach.  This is a girl who had a affair then found away to make it my fault.  Then after 6 recycles is painting me black all over town.  Now her 5th bf is again the love of her life.  And he is rich. I want her to fail.   After all I did for her.   I do not want her to be happy

Oh she will. By definition BPD have a history of turbulent relationships so this will be no better than the last.  The BPD does not get cured just because they have a new boyfriend.

[Confused99]

Oh she will. By definition BPD have a history of turbulent relationships so this will be no better than the last.  The BPD does not get cured just because they have a new boyfriend.

I hope your right.   I always second guess myself.  Maybe she isn't BPD and she is just crazy.  Even though she checks every box. 

[GlennT]

Another amazing act by a vampire BPD. Poor victim doesn't have a clue does he? Damn, I know her same old opening act is painfully hard to see, with yet Another victim/soulmate. They are ageless vampires. Nothing stops them when they crave someone else. If you were to look down from your house in Heaven a few hundred years from now, you would still see her victims lining up, and more victims, writhing in hell, in agony, with her, eternally... But for the Grace of God goes You. You are now forever free. It's ok to feel mad. It took me years to work through that s---t. Your only job now is to take good care of yourself and the ones who truly care for you.     

[KtotheK]

Oh she will. By definition BPD have a history of turbulent relationships so this will be no better than the last.  The BPD does not get cured just because they have a new boyfriend.

I have been NC 4 months now from my uBPDex. She recycled me after 9 months apart from each other we had another 3-4 months together where she promised me the earth and more 'i was her one and only etc' ... .I was discarded AGAIN and she Flitted off to the otherside of he world saying she needed to find herself and be free that she didn't know who she was etc (suggested BPD upon leaving). The only thing she found wasn t herself but a replacement in a matter of weeks and is now on her second (the best friend of the first!)
I have been staying off social media ettc and it has helped me but last night I found out she has moved location from NZ to oz and I saw a couple of pics. Today I feel low and sad again ... .she carries on like absolutely NOTHING has happened and like some of you here, I want it to fail and I want it to somehow all come crumbling down ... mean I know. I can't stand seeing her 'happy' and enjoying when I've spent yet again 5 months in a dark place just like I did in the 9 months. At what point will I get my break ? At what point will I not care or think of her anyway ... .it does my head in! I sent her a nice text telling her I needed to move on and that I couldn't carry on the contact and her reply was to the point and relatively cold 'you deserve to move on and maybe we can be friends in time etc etc! And she hasn't attempted to reach out ... yes maybe respecting my wishes but in my head, she doesn't give a damn about me and has repaced and is living the high life. She wanted to be free and find herself ... .yeah right ... she found herself ... .with someone else immediately! I want this to end I am sick of hearing / seeing something about her and it having an affect on me ! When I know full well I DO NOT CROSS her mind in the slightest grrrr deep down is she really happy? And part of me wants her not to be but the pictures all say she is blissfully happy 

[Harley Quinn]

Stop looking at the pictures.  That's when you'll stop feeling tortured.  Sorry to be blunt and I know you already know this, but sometimes we just need reminding.  I read a quote somewhere that seems apt in this thread:

Forgive others -
Not because they deserve forgiveness;
Because you deserve peace.

Holding on to anger and ill feeling only affects us.  It does not affect the person we have these feelings towards.  They eat us up inside.  We can't make these feelings disappear, only recognise and observe them as being there, then let them go.  It's not necessary to choose to cling to them though.  Doing that is slowing our own healing.  I say we all in our own time be prepared to forgive and move on. 

Greater things await when we are ready for them.

Love and light x 

[Confused99]

Harley thank you and you are right.  I haven't looked at pics in a few weeks now and don't plan to.   When I do I only see the story she wants the world to see.   That's she's so happy and life is so good.  I remember when we were together she would post us smiling.   Right after the cops left our house and tried to arrest me for yelling at her.   It's a mirage.  They can't be happy   

I personally like a lot of you went through hell and back with my exBPD.  Recycled at least 7-8 times.   Then I started imagining which is worse?  Getting her back and losing my mind all day wondering who she is texting or dealing with getting over her.   I chose the later.  When I saw her the other night a year ago that would have crippled me for a long time.    Now was a small amount of time.   It gets easier but never can totally forget

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Confused

That's good to hear that you're having restraint with checking on her activities.  It helps enormously.  Every time I get the urge to know what he's doing I remind myself that it wouldn't do me any good to see him either happy or sad.  Too much empathy is my problem and I'd certainly start to analyse, based on my intimate knowledge of the inside of his head!  It's also wonderful to know that the pain is getting more short lived for you around these situations where she crops up in your life.  You're right though - we won't ever forget.  I'm not sure I'd want to.  My BPD relationship has been truly life altering and like any massive experience I'll always want to remember the ways in which I've dealt with it and moved my life forwards as a result of it. 

Our learning is the really valuable part of having gone through what we have.  In time I plan to look back with pride at my recovery and what positive steps I have taken since that time to improve myself, my life choices and to offload some of the baggage that brought me to that place and kept me there.  He has been a catalyst for me.  I'll always be grateful for that.  Recently I've been having flashbacks of some of the incidents I'd evidently repressed, which I suppose is also a good thing as I see a psychiatrist tomorrow for our first consultation... .I've got a lot to discuss! 

You seem to be doing great, having a new partner and allowing a relationship to blossom.  That's a massive step after such trauma.  Well done to you, it's admirable.  I hope it goes well and that it proves to be exactly what you need.

Love and light x 

[GlennT]

They are happy being miserable when they are the ones being used and discarded. The sooner you learn this, the better. Deep down, they think you are not worthy to be loved if you love them. If you act like you don't care, then they will care more about you. Most Folks don't learn this until the person with BPD has already moved on, and by that time it's too late. They are a dichotomy. Stay NC.

[Harley Quinn]

But I'm a little sad today.  My ex wife who I loved so much.  Thought I was over this crap.  Any advice?   Thanks for listening

Hi Confused99,

How are you feeling now?

Love and light x

[Rayban]

They are happy being miserable when they are the ones being used and discarded. The sooner you learn this, the better. Deep down, they think you are not worthy to be loved if you love them. If you act like you don't care, then they will care more about you. Most Folks don't learn this until the person with BPD has already moved on, and by that time it's too late. They are a dichotomy. Stay NC.

Breaking NC even once and you will be sure to regret it. Going NC with someone should be the final redflag. 

Once you get to that point of NC, regardless of who initiated it should be the last redflag.  It will never be the same.  It just becomes push pull games with a master.

[AnuDay]

They are in the honeymoon stage.  You can put a good amount of money down that a year from now her new bf will wish he were in your shoes.

[vaztek2003]

"Ran" into my ex at a red light after getting out of work... .had so many thoughts go through my head as the light just felt like eternity. Ultimately I just acted as if I didnt notice her and acted as calm as possible just listening music, funny enough it was a track by JCole called Runaway... .its starts off saying she knows, she knows... .then the chorus goes Runaway, runaway fast... .! I took off as soon as the light changed not letting her know that I saw her. Im sure she noticed me though as she hesitated taking off and I just felt it. Wanted to look badly but didnt as it probably would have hurt as it did when I looked up her instagram account and saw her profile picture. Why did she have to be so damn beautiful, yet so damaged mentally.

I just hate that I feel that our encounter is just going to empower her some by letting her think that Im stalking her as she used to tell me her ex did. She is probably telling whoever how Im stuck on her and what not... .sucks! She was always so damn paranoid.

[lovenature]

Enjoy your time with your amazing girlfriend. Forget about wanting your ex. to see you happy, the goal is to be detached to the point of indifference. Her reality is based on her current emotion, remember how irrational and senseless so much of your relationship with her was? It will take what it takes, just allow yourself to think and feel whatever arises and then return to the moment.