Vicious cycle

[Baf93]

I'm needing direction, information, or just anything that may be able to help me. I've been in a VERY rocky relationship for 5 years now. Years ago, I blamed it on immaturity. However now after doing ALOT of research after thinking my fiancé was a narcissist, I've come to find he fits the BPD description to a T.
While some of the immaturity has resolved, there are some bigger issues. Almost 1 month ago he ghosted. Left one day acting fine, loving... .and never came back. About a week before he left he said he hates himself and is the cause of all my pain and stress (ive been having medical problems due to stress and grief) and that my life would be better without him. We got engaged 3 weeks before he left.  In February we lost a baby, I was a little over 4 months pregnant and I went into preterm labor. He was my best friend, glued to my side and loyal.he stayed with me for weeks... .he was my comfort and sanity.  Then everything changed. I found him on a dating website, he flipped out and got mad then said losing the baby has made him lose his mind and he doesn't know why he's doing these things. Then about 2 months ago He told me he was taking out the garbage and had a friend pick him up and went to New York for a week. It's gone downhill ever since. I've noticed a pattern of his, every year when spring/ summer hits, he takes off. Never like this though. He still keeps in contact, coming back frequently. Mainly just running free. Then when fall rolls around he is genuinely shattered and has this epiphany that I'm the only one for him. Now that I've figured out the pattern I'm trying to break it, or at least needing to know if it can be broken or if it's time to walk away. This time around, I'm still extremely shaken over the loss of our child and am now dealing with the abandonment. Ive barely spoke to him in a month, other than a few short, cold, "polite" words. He has blocked all my family and friends. My best friend was able to speak to him a few weeks ago, he said he's not happy and needed to leave. He doesn't want me anymore. I know for a fact he will come back, he has no caring family and friends. They're all narcissists, making even him look innocent.  He's said multiple times me and my daughter are the only things he values in life. I know when he shifts back into his reasonable mindset he will be horrified. When he comes back we are steady and he is such a sweet and caring person for about 6 months. Then he turns into someone I don't recognize. I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to get him into counseling, sometimes he cries and says something's wrong with him and he needs help. But when it comes time to go get help he acts fine. I'm wanting to go speak with someone in the meantime, so when he does return I have a game plan on getting him to receive help or how to protect myself. It hurts me, because I know he's been torn apart since we lost our baby. I'm not sure if that set him off the deep end, making him take things to this extreme. I just need help. I'm so confused and so hurt. We've never been like this, without seeing or talking to each other for this long. My mind is twisted and doesn't know if it's thinking clearly. Part of me thinks he is no doubt coming back. The other part of me is scared he never will. Just days before he left he was so worried about me then out of nowhere he disappeared and hasn't come back since. Idk if saying he was worried or felt guilty for my stress was just an excuse or legit feelings. I can't stop it all from going through my head 24/7  I've just gone through enough. I want to understand.

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[smart_storm26]

Hello friend,

Welcome to the forums. I sorry to hear about your loss. You have my condolences.

Coming to your situation, I want you to know that you are not alone and a relationship with a BPD person is never easy. Everyone who has been in a relationship with a BPD (including me) has been through that rocky road. And it can be very emotionally destabilizing specially when your borderline partner acts in ways that makes no sense to you. You can clearly see the flawed and ineffective ways they use to cope with their inner pain but they don't realize. However things can definitely improve. I can say so because things have improved in my own relationship after I have researched a lot on this disorder and learned how to interact.

First thing,

Consciously or unconsciously do not blame yourself for the situation you are in. You seem to love him in spite of his flaws and you seem to have been a very considerate partner to the best of your capabilities. There is nothing really wrong with you or what you have done so far. Whats really is wrong here is his own feelings that he is worthless and he is not good enough. If someone thinks so negatively of himself he will always fail to bring positivity in any relationship. Before loving others, we need to love ourselves first. And this is what is happening here.

"About a week before he left he said he hates himself and is the cause of all my pain and stress (ive been having medical problems due to stress and grief) and that my life would be better without him". This simply reflects his feelings of worthlessness. I believe he has very little sense of 'self-worth' (perhaps because of growing up with narcissistic parents?) and is behaving the typical 'quitter' way. He quits but then can't lose you. So he comes back. However whatever be the 'genuine' reason behind his behavior, in the end its hurting you and its not contributing towards a stable relationship. Above all, his own 'solution' for his feelings of worthlessness is terrible and its damaging him as well as you. This push-pull cycle is not going to help or accomplish anything. But there are things you can do using which you can bring him right on track.

The only way to encourage your borderline partner (or anyone who behaves like a BP) to stop engaging in immature and destructive behaviors is by setting boundaries. This is very important and in fact this alone can bring back a lot of stability in your relationship and actually help your relationship improve!

"Almost 1 month ago he ghosted. Left one day acting fine, loving... .and never came back". In a healthy relationship, we love and care for the other person but we also retain our personal freedom and individuality which is healthy and absolutely normal. I often go out and spend a few days away from my wife to catch up with my friends. However I do not leave abruptly and leave my wife alone guessing whats going on. I inform her that I am going to spend a few days catching up with my friends etc but I do not just disappear all of a sudden. If he is feeling down and needs some 'alone' time or needs to catch up with his friends, he can inform you about what he wants to do and go about it. Its not that difficult at all.

"I found him on a dating website, he flipped out and got mad then said losing the baby has made him lose his mind and he doesn't know why he's doing these things" Nobody can blame him for being upset but engaging in unfair and destructive behaviors because he is upset is just wrong. There have been times when I have been upset in my relationship, been angry on my wife many times but never tried dating another woman as long as we are together and invested in our relationship. That's like disrespecting the person I am in a relationship with. No matter how much one is feeling down, nothing justifies such behavior. There are better ways to cope with stress and other negative feelings than cheating on your partner. Either he quits the relationship and dates as many people he wants to or if he stays in the relationship he cannot disrespect you like that. Set boundaries here.

"He has blocked all my family and friends". Why does he need to block your family and friends? Again, its ok to be upset and feel down at times but engaging in negative destructive behaviors because of it is not a good solution at all.

"He's said multiple times me and my daughter are the only things he values in life". He needs to back his words with action. Tell him 'If you leave me abruptly, not talk to me for days, go check on dating sites, what message do I get from this? How can I see all this and think that me and my daughter are the only things you value?'

"When he comes back we are steady and he is such a sweet and caring person for about 6 months. Then he turns into someone I don't recognize". Explain to him politely that you want a stable relationship with him and such push/pull cycles are not helping you or him.

You make a list of those things he does which really really hurts you and you can't accept. The idea of setting boundaries is when he does one of those things in your list, you politely (do not rage) call him out on it and tell him you cannot accept it as it hurts you and its not right. Note that the first time you start setting boundaries, your BP partner will not take it smilingly. It will shake him and make him uncomfortable. He may vent his anger/frustration on you. You may be accused of being inconsiderate and insensitive. But stand your ground... .politely. Tell him you also have emotional needs that needs to be fulfilled too and these are your needs. Explain that you are serious about this relationship and you want a stable relationship with him and such behaviors are affecting that. Setting boundaries will do 2 things. First it will isolate you from his destructive behaviors. Second it will guide him on which behavior is acceptable and which isnt. Even though he will resist initially, he will actually get better because of you setting boundaries and he will actually start respecting you more! Funny isn't it?     

Remember that you also have a right to be happy in your relationship. When you set boundaries, do not put yourself in a trial court in your mind and analyze if you are doing the right thing.

I wish both of you well and hope things get sorted out for you.

[Baf93]

Thank you for your response and advice. I have set boundaries and we have had very long and in depth conversations about his behavior. He cried and agrees he's awful and what he's done makes him hate himself. I tell him the things I can't deal with. He promises it to never do it again. But then at the end when his mind is starting to slip he doesn't care. Up until the day he leaves me he'll fake it. He'll swear he isn't doing those things and isn't going to. Then he just goes. When he changes all he wants to do is hang out with an old friend. This friend is toxic to him. He doesn't care about his well being, he intentionally encourages him to cheat and thinks it's funny. He's so awful to me and this time his friend has blasted me and humiliated me on social media and they all call me crazy and controlling. For years I didn't tell him what to do. However recent years I have told him I know I can't tell you what to do, but I'm telling you I will not be with you if you choose to hang out with those people. When he goes back to hanging out with them is when he changes.
Right now he says he's done with me. Went from being "so in love" to being so cold and nasty, blocking me, leaving me with financial burdens and is treating me as if I just murdered his dog right in front of him. He blocked me as well but sometimes unblocks me, but never initiates contact. I'm so lost