Hello, I am new

[Hopeful_Me]

Hello everyone,

First, I'd like to say thank you to all the gentle spirits who post here. I've read a lot of your stories and so appreciate the hope you give. It's been very helpful.

I have just come to realize a man I love - an ex - not only suffers from a PD called Schizotypal, but has overlapping traits of BPD. Once he shared the StPD, I researched it thoroughly and became so familiar with identifying his symptomatic behaviors. I did not know,however, the "rest of the story" - which now appears to be his BPD part.

1. He ended the relationship in silence - disappeared without a trace.
2. When I chased him, he broke silence after a month with inexplicable vicious anger and rage.
3. Accused me of being BPD - and later his brother's wife as well.
4. Went to the police when I left a card on his front gate - expressing my concern. ( He was a relapsed alcoholic after he left- sober today, thankfully)
5. Finally, after a year, he began to speak to me - and that's when the splitting - rages, attacks, accusations began.

I have been in recovery in Al-Anon for 29 years. My entire adult life so I have an abundance of tools, friends, sponsor & God to help me deal. I feel sincerely blessed for this as I surely would've gone mad without it, My former husband is Alcohloic and the behaviors are quite similar.

I was NOT at all prepared for the viciousness or projecting. Mama mia... .

In all my research on BPD - the one thing that has helped me most is watching a YT video of a woman in recovery from BPD saing "maintain firm boundaries as this protects YOU - and - it helps them create trust in you. I've found that very true.

Currently, after almost 3 months of newly communicating with him, 4 bouts of splitting - rageful episodes, I walked away. After 10 days, he seemed to have an awakening - a surrender of sorts - and surrendered to his behavior and his terrible self-loathing feelings and emptiness. Although he has taken some responsibility and has been sober in AA, EMDR & talk therapy, living in a sober home and group therapy, he sends conflicting messages about his feelings for me, and his intense fear of becoming intimately involved with a woman, despite his desire to have a relationship again.

So, today, I said goodbye to him. I love him and don't want to do the "safe-friend" thing.

I am here to take care of ME. I just need more help and I gratefully ask to be a part of your wonderful community.



Hopeful_Me

[Mutt]

Hopeful_Me,

So, today, I said goodbye to him. I love him and don't want to do the "safe-friend" thing.

I am here to take care of ME. I just need more help and I gratefully ask to be a part of your wonderful community.

I'd like to start by apologizing for the long delay, I'm glad that you decided to join the group, welcome. I'm also happy to hear that the posts have helped you, it helps to share with people just like you and me.

I think that's a good idea with self protection for now, it's tough to do when you care a lot about someone, you mentioned that he had an epiphany and he'll probably start having extinction bursts at some point, you'll need strong boundaries, it also helps to lean on the boards and get support from others. I'm looking forward to your posts and tools that you've picked up a long the way 

[Hopeful_Me]

Thank you, Mutt, for the lovely welcome. 

In reading more here today, I learned  what "extinction bursts" are. (The BPD lingo is quite interesting, somewhat similar to Alcoholic lingo). After I said goodbye via email, he was rational and calm, yet tried to keep me connected with a few manipulative comments. I saw them for what they were and told him I am leaving to put ME first for a change. He was still calm and rational.

So far, no explosive retorts and that's not quite his style... .yet. Because every time I've left, it was me who returned. He did not come seeking me. That's the part of the Schizotypal - they are inherently loners. But he was always glad I came back. This time, it's different for me and I have no intention to return.

The reason is: I am scared. Even though he is in therapy etc, and doing more than ever to recover, he does not fully accept his Schizotypal and definitely does not accept the BPD. I have a very firm boundary which I conveyed a few weeks ago, that if he wanted to be with me, he'd have to invite me into his therapist office for a full explanation from her as to his diagnosis and whether he is complying. He adamantly refused.

My boundaries have been wiggly lately, I get so intoxicated by his behavior that I lose a part of "me" and now that I am regaining my "self", I am NOT giving it up. Noo way.

Today I had a recollection that he told me a few years ago - about his last relationship, He left her 6 times, but she just kept coming back so he took her back. I was like "huh?". But I see it now, he does the in/out thing... .the woman keeps coming after him, and when he's ready, he allows her back in. He thinks that's going to happen with me.

He is very wrong.

[hopealways]

Welcome to the forum. It is great to develop insight on this disorder BUT make sure it is not with the hopes of trying to figure him out/wonder if he will come back etc.  This is a very serious disorder with NO cure and your best bet is to continue the course of No Contact however hard it may be.

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful_Me,

Good for you for not wanting to recycle, I didn't recycle my uBPDxw because the pain of the break-up was enough for me one time. There are times when a pwBPD will pull at the hearts strings, make you feel guilty or confused, it's called FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) This is a tip from me, talk to someone if you're feeling conflicted, confused, guilty. I've made some friends here and from to time I'll reach out for advice, it keeps me grounded.

To moving4forwards point about NC, do you have kids together, do you obligations together?

[Hopeful_Me]

No, no kids together. No obligations. I am very grateful to have my Al-Anon sponsor who was once in a 6 year relationship with a woman with BPD. He KNOWS the pain and is very empathetic and helpful to me.

I am blessed to come here every day, just to read, it helps to ease the pain of the mammoth feeling of sadness of letting go.