BPD or As---le? Or something else?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Many of these posts contain stories of seemingly long term relationships (>5yrs) where there was often long term physical abuse. Are we being careful not to plug the abusers into a personality disorder category in an effort to continue to make excuses for them?  I mean, they have a disorder, right?  He/she beat the crap out of you once maybe more.

As a formerly confidant man, I can say that I finally understand the mentality behind "going back for more."   Or maybe I should say I know what it feels like to put myself in harms way making excuses for my exs behavior.

At one point in June 2016, I was driving us home and she was railing on me. Nonstop. Complaining. About everything. Resentment and anger coming out of her pores. F Bombs.  I'm too much of this too little of that. I'm not sensitive enough. I'm overly sensitive. I'm an as----e.  F--k me. 

I sat there and took it. I was too tired to elevate my anger and fight back. But I made up my mind and I was through. I had two grown kids I raised with their mother who I divorced 16 years ago but remained friends with much to the kids benefit. My life experiences were off the charts compared to this wannabe pinup girl stoner temperamental victim of everything in life hates her mother got a DUI and it wasn't her fault bowl of jello, who quite frankly had one great attribute between her legs.

I maintained calm, and pulled in front of her apartment. She said "oh you're not coming in now!"  I said no I'd like to break up.  So she takes a styrofoam box of beef tips with gravy and smashes it into my face. It explodes and wrecks my clothes and my car interior. That wasn't enough so she grabs a solid plastic cup full of ice and drink and throws cup and all into my face.

Domestic violence?  You bet. Within days I apologized.  For bringing out the worst in her. She let me back in but never apologized for trashing my car or bruising the bridge of my god damned nose. The shame would have consumed her. This incident was one that a person with well established boundaries would have not tolerated.   I think she might just be a jerk.

I met with her Friday.  Those who have read my posts know that the final breakup was recent, and that I hung on in friend zone like Tarzan on a twig branch. She's seeing someone new. Someone younger and hotter than me.  She says she's moving to Arizona in two years.  A month ago this woman cried about finally hitting her professional stride here in town and that she is staying with her current employer indefinitely.   I chalk it up to the new guy.  When I started dating her she told me she wanted to live on my sailboat in the Caribbean and work remotely.

I feel bad because I see where she probably felt confined. I asked her to slow down a little on pot smoking. She willingly spent every weekend on my boat. Has no family so she spent holidays with us.  When the dirty laundry was aired she said she resented me for changing her life for me.  Fair enough.

I'm starting to think she's just a crazy as----e who's great in bed and has kooky charisma.

But I miss her still

[Helplessly]

Many of these posts contain stories of seemingly long term relationships (>5yrs) where there was often long term physical abuse. Are we being careful not to plug the abusers into a personality disorder category in an effort to continue to make excuses for them?  I mean, they have a disorder, right?  He/she beat the crap out of you once maybe more.

As a formerly confidant man, I can say that I finally understand the mentality behind "going back for more."   Or maybe I should say I know what it feels like to put myself in harms way making excuses for my exs behavior.

At one point in June 2016, I was driving us home and she was railing on me. Nonstop. Complaining. About everything. Resentment and anger coming out of her pores. F Bombs.  I'm too much of this too little of that. I'm not sensitive enough. I'm overly sensitive. I'm an as----e.  F--k me. 

I sat there and took it. I was too tired to elevate my anger and fight back. But I made up my mind and I was through. I had two grown kids I raised with their mother who I divorced 16 years ago but remained friends with much to the kids benefit. My life experiences were off the charts compared to this wannabe pinup girl stoner temperamental victim of everything in life hates her mother got a DUI and it wasn't her fault bowl of jello, who quite frankly had one great attribute between her legs.

I maintained calm, and pulled in front of her apartment. She said "oh you're not coming in now!"  I said no I'd like to break up.  So she takes a styrofoam box of beef tips with gravy and smashes it into my face. It explodes and wrecks my clothes and my car interior. That wasn't enough so she grabs a solid plastic cup full of ice and drink and throws cup and all into my face.

Domestic violence?  You bet. Within days I apologized.  For bringing out the worst in her. She let me back in but never apologized for trashing my car or bruising the bridge of my god damned nose. The shame would have consumed her. This incident was one that a person with well established boundaries would have not tolerated.   I think she might just be a jerk.

I met with her Friday.  Those who have read my posts know that the final breakup was recent, and that I hung on in friend zone like Tarzan on a twig branch. She's seeing someone new. Someone younger and hotter than me.  She says she's moving to Arizona in two years.  A month ago this woman cried about finally hitting her professional stride here in town and that she is staying with her current employer indefinitely.   I chalk it up to the new guy.  When I started dating her she told me she wanted to live on my sailboat in the Caribbean and work remotely.

I feel bad because I see where she probably felt confined. I asked her to slow down a little on pot smoking. She willingly spent every weekend on my boat. Has no family so she spent holidays with us.  When the dirty laundry was aired she said she resented me for changing her life for me.  Fair enough.

I'm starting to think she's just a crazy as----e who's great in bed and has kooky charisma.

But I miss her still

[Mutt]

Hi Helplessly,

I'm sorry that you had to go through. My ex displays traits and unfortunately I don't think that she'll get diagnosed, I know she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, she probably has other mental disorders present, I'll never know.

I was falsely accused of physical assault and had to go to court for that, there's a lot of moments where she would scream at me, sometimes up to an hour, an hour and a half I'd look at the clock to see how long we fought, she called me every nasty name imaginable. That being said, for me I just wanted to know the truth and move on, I wanted to heal as quickly as possible and live life and not be resentful and bitter at her bf.

A big part of the healing process was to learn the basic psychology, it normalizes the behaviors and we can learn to depersonalize and become indifferent to the behaviors. I'm glad that I followed the steps on right side of the board   I saw first hand how her ex fought with her for years after they broke up, I can just imagine the frustration, anger, emotional distress he went through, I didn't want a part of that.

Thank God I found these boards because bpdfamily has a system that works. I know that it's not fair, I think that it helps to validate those feelings about your exes BPD behaviors, do the self work, rebuild and put it behind you'll, don't get stuck in victim mode, work towards survivor and thriver  

[Turkish]

DV counselors will tell you that physical violence is always a choice on the part of an abuser. The choice lies in the basis of asserting power and control. 

The desire for the victim to keep the peace is a curious thing,  and common.  I was there once.

So what hooks you here besides the sex?

[Helplessly]

DV counselors will tell you that physical violence is always a choice on the part of an abuser. The choice lies in the basis of asserting power and control. 

The desire for the victim to keep the peace is a curious thing,  and common.  I was there once.

So what hooks you here besides the sex?

Shared interests.  She's a bourbon afficiando and used to do a beer blog.  Books.  Music.  Movies.  Deep conversations.  Wit.  She's highly intelligent.

All outward appearances make her seem super cool and super normal.  But the sex on the first real date, and the immediate sensitivity to everything I said after only two weeks alerted me that something was up.  The way she was to her friends and acquaintances and the way she was towards me was radically different. 

[RedPill]

... .don't get stuck in victim mode, work towards survivor and thriver.

My forehead is going to run out of space with all these great tips that I'm tattooing there.