things i should remember

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

it was always on her terms
she was selfish.
she was out for herself.

she didn't respect me or my feelings
she took me for granted
she used me
she had double standards
she contradicted herself
she made me feel worthless and i had
a lack of confidence.

she deleted my number, did not want
to be friends.
she was abusive, controlling, self centred,
she was cruel, mean, rude, nasty, aggressive. she raged at me, emotionally abusive, acting out, bullying.

she often said things which were hurtful.
she didn't care how her words and actions affected me.

she was boastful, would brag.

[jambley]

it was always on her terms
she was selfish.
she was out for herself.

she didn't respect me or my feelings
she took me for granted
she used me
she had double standards
she contradicted herself
she made me feel worthless and i had
a lack of confidence.

she deleted my number, did not want
to be friends.
she was abusive, controlling, self centred,
she was cruel, mean, rude, nasty, aggressive. she raged at me, emotionally abusive, acting out, bullying.

she often said things which were hurtful.
she didn't care how her words and actions affected me.

she was boastful, would brag.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jambley,

I'm guessing (and correct me if I'm wrong) that the reason you need to remember these things is to help you move through some pain that you're feeling.  How did it make you feel to type this and read it back?  Where are you at in yourself and how long is it since you split?

Love and light x

[jambley]

hi hq

yes I typed it because today has been tough. I read it back a few times and was shocked what I had written, that it has taken me 2 years to actually see the real person behind the mask. we were together for 2 years, split up now for 2 years... .but i am still haunted by her abuse. I feel free day by day from the constant turmoil and it has taken me ages to get to this point. maybe I am slow, but it has been so hard. thank you for your reply

[jambley]

this might seem funny but when I read it back, it seemed like a poem! it was just notes/thoughts. Bob Dylan, if you're reading this we can share 50% royalties 

[Harley Quinn]

Funny, I thought it was intended to be a poem... .Your subconscious has spoken!
 Maybe you're missing your true calling?  

You mentioned thinking you may be slow in your recovery?  What makes you think that and what steps have you taken to help yourself on this journey?  Any talking therapy?  I ask because I notice the word abuse appeared more than once in the (now) poem, and this is what you say still haunts you.

Love and light x  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jambley, Those are great reminders, because for me they express the realities of a BPD r/s.  Agree, it is hard to get out from under an abusive r/s.  As HQ asks, what are you doing to assist with your recovery?  Everyone heals at his/her own pace and there's no particular timetable for recovery.  On the other hand, doing something proactive might accelerate the process.  LJ

[Mutt]

Here's a great article on characteristics of a healthy r/s, the opposite of what th OP posted for anyone that's interested. You could use it as a benchmark for different r/s'.

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships