The troubling post-relationship behavior of my ex

[JaxWest]

So, June is the month I work closer with her office. So far, I have had coworkers comment on how she stares at me (which she does... .a lot). It has been very creepy the last few weeks, because the girl just stares. The one day, I was facing the door and saw her leaning in to watch me. Plus, her friend/coworker comes into the room to talk to me. It just feels like the friend is trying to get information. She has done that a few times. Now, the possible BPD is trying to talk to my friends/coworkers. She didn't care about them a year ago and never talked to them. Now, she is making a point to go over to talk to them (luckily, they all don't like her). I just don't get this action. Why try to be around my friends? She hated 2 of my coworkers, but she has sought out both of them in the last week.

[JaxWest]

And she is back at it again. Her and her friend/coworker. The friend is really putting on a fake nice attitude toward my coworkers.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JaxWest,

This is only my opinion, but I suspect this is happening because you're not responding to her other attempts to catch your attention.  In your other post you say you're ignoring her when you see her, so perhaps this is her way of trying to up the ante.  I'd continue to show no acknowledgement of her behaviour, but if what she does develops into something further and begins to have an impact on you at work, report it. 

Love and light x

[JaxWest]

That is what I figured she was doing. Even when we were still talking, she wanted to seek out my friends, which was always weird. It was like she wanted to make sure she had a source of control to be around me, if she needed/wanted.

[Mutt]

Hi JaxWest,

It has been very creepy the last few weeks, because the girl just stares. The one day, I was facing the door and saw her leaning in to watch me.

Were you split black before the last several weeks?

[JaxWest]

  Mutt

I haven't talked to her for a few months, so it is hard to know what was going through her mind. The last time I talked to her, her behavior was confusing me, so I asked to talk. That didn't go well and she made everything she did seem like it was normal and everything I did seem weird. I have just ignored her since then and have not even acknowledged her. So, she probably is viewing me very negatively. The last one was obvious. She stayed behind at the meeting (she never does this) just so she could talk to one of my coworkers that she doesn't like anyhow.

[JaxWest]

At least my coworkers are seeing it more and more, so I have more witnesses. Her other friend/coworker keeps making a point to come into the rooms to talk to us now too. My coworker had a weird experience with her yesterday again. It is becoming more and more obvious. But, it still upsets me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jax,

This does sound like a campaign, and a torturous one at that.  Stay strong my friend.  Try not to show that you are phased in any way and remain professional.  I view some of my ex's very obvious attention seeking behaviours as extremely child like, and we all know what happens when a child doesn't get the attention they crave by behaving a certain way... .They give up.  OK sometimes they give up and try another approach - and we cross that bridge when we come to it.  I know you said this upsets you.  What are the feelings you experience when you see this going on?  Any particular thoughts that arise for you?  Here's the place to air them.

Love and light x

[JaxWest]

I think what upsets me with this one is that people give her way too much of the benefit of the doubt. Several have commented on her being weird and her watching/staring at me. She and her friend have point blanked talked about getting her coworker in trouble... .now that coworker is gone because of a lame excuse that they reported. I talk to my counselor and I feel so much better. She understands it. She said she is confused by her actions, but has noted that she has characteristics of multiple personality disorders: paranoid personality, borderline, bipolar, dissociation and multiple personality. I shared the long story with her and she she has described her as having troubling characteristics and that she does worry about her balance if she would be a threat to harm herself or others. (mainly me) She has mentioned that maybe I want to talk to my boss about it and share the newest information. The girl hates two of my coworkers, but now she wants to talk to them both all of a sudden. This girl has infringed on my life in every aspect of, but I question her and she turns it on me. I think it is just annoying that I can tell my coworkers about things and they see the weirdness. They see how she stares at me and makes excuses to be around me. Yet, when I say something about needing a restraining order, people tell me to hold off on that and that she is just really weird and make excuses as to why it looks like she is stalking. My professional trained counselor talks about her having stalking tendencies and being unstable, but when I rely that to people they rationalize things. As my counselor said though, that is what people do around people like that. People give glimpses of signs that they a re unstable, but people rationalize until it is too late. I honestly would not be surprised at anything this girl did. She just freaks me out. Plus, the rapid weight gain she has developed in a short period may be a physical sign of depression or something as well.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jax,

If you feel you are in some way under threat then you must speak to someone senior or a HR representative to ensure you have protected yourself.  You ought to be able to do this confidentially.  Maybe just to cover yourself.  Regardless of any past relationship, being made to feel uncomfortable, on edge and unsafe in any way at work by a colleague is unacceptable and should be treated as such.  As a female, if a male member of staff was constantly staring at me and hanging around it would be dealt with if I complained.

As for the opinions of others I'd take them with a pinch of salt.  People who only see a glimpse of something strange do not know the full extent that you do, so it's easy for them to rationalise.  I mentioned on someone else's thread that I am at the ready to take out an order should a pattern of concerning behaviour emerge, on the advice of my domestic abuse support worker.  I'm to document any incidents and keep a full record to support the order.  If you are worried, you must be safe.

Love and light x

[JaxWest]

  Harley Quinn

Thanks for the support. I am documenting stuff. I do hate that some of my friends are getting pulled into it. Her coworker is reaching out to mine all of a sudden. Like my counselor said, your gut is usually right. The first time I hung out with this girl outside of work, I thought she was very odd, but I rationalized it. I am not doing that anymore. I don't feel comfortable or safe around her. I am looking into what I can report and how to do that. I actually think I am going to look at new jobs, because I don't think I can work at the same place as her. Luckily, I have one more week left of June, which is when I usually see her for work. I will be glad when I get to go away for vacation and then not have to see her at work again!

[JaxWest]

So, I have not been on here for a while. I thought I was in a good place, but things are weird again. I am honestly terrified. I stopped talking to the BPD or whatever, in January.

To rehash what happened: After a few weeks of not talking to her, she emails me about “work”, except that the questions he has should not have gone to me and it very clear it was an excuse to talk to me. I have tried no contact, but since February, I have witnessed this girl watch me... .stare at me, in a very creepy way. Coworkers have noticed it. I blocked her on facebook and she created a 2nd profile. I blocked her in Linkedin and I started getting private views. The girl was always oddly specific about my life when we were talking. I order tickets to a game, she orders tickets. I talk about looking at job options and she manages to suggest the very place I was looking. I start talking about a trip to Iceland, she looks up travel information. It is like this with everything. I don't like this, she doesn't either. I like this, suddenly it is her hobby. She mimics me... .a lot. She texts my friend and asks about my dating life. She then wants to hang out with my other friends.

But, no contact since February. I see her on campus and ignore her. Well, last week, she was staring at me again. Our offices were working remotely in adjacent locations, so she was there to stare at me. This week, one of her friends accuses me of giving incorrect information for work. My emails verified that my information was correct and hers was incorrect. Her other close friend is trying to hang out with my friends and coworkers (even though she barely knows them). Weird, considering that she knows the background with Elise and I, so why would she want to be around my people? And, today, I go to watch a game at a bar that my friends and I usually go to. She knows we do this. She shows up and stares at me.

Am I wrong for thinking these things are not coincidences? I feel very confident I am being stalked. I know some people have said there have been months of no contact and the BPD then reaches out, even if it has been 8 months or longer.

[Turkish]

These don't sound like coincidences.  If you feel you may be in danger,  how would you define that word? Is it the fear of coming home to find the rabbit boiled,  or just merely creepy?

This might help.  I found it a short read.  Changed my perspective on a lot of things.  It was given to me by a friend long before I'd heard of BPD. 

The Gift of Fear - Gavin De Becker

[Skip]

I am new to this site and just seeking some advice about a female that I have been communicating with since last June. I have had dated somebody with borderline before. It was like nothing I have experienced before. We went on two dates and she had my life planned for me. She was very possessive of me and wanted to set my plans for the weekends that she was not even around.

Well, there is this new girl. I see some parallels, but I am not sure if it is borderline. I meet with a counselor and she has mentioned that she thinks this girl has a personality disorder. I just wanted to get some thoughts. With the first ex, we were in a relationship and it moved quickly. With the 2nd girl, I never was in a relationship, so I was wondering how somebody with borderline treats somebody that they are not in a relationship with.

Jax', I copied this text from your first post to help others who are reading this better understand your story.

I've read your posts and its is a little hard to follow in the sense that you talk about the past and the present together.

Can you just tell us what specifically has happened in the month of August with her directly (not her friends)?

[JaxWest]

Sorry about that. I have two potential instances of people with BPD (one from 2008 that I no longer see or have contact with and she was diagnosed BPD) and one that I started to be around in 2016, that works at the same company as me, but I do not know if she is just extremely awkward, BPD or what).

The following is about the current potential BPD. During the month of August, I have been able to ignore her for most of the time. I have her blocked on my phone, facebook and any social media. There is one day in August that our offices work closely in the same building, across rooms from each other. The girl has this weird, terrifying way of starting at me now. She did this in June as well, when we work closely as well. She would literally look through the window of the door, to stare at me. My coworkers have caught her doing this, leering at me and now she does it to them as well. It is just this blank, empty stare.

Yesterday, I went to watch a game with a friend. She knows that I go to this bar, as I said this back in January that I would be going there on Thursday nights for football games. Since, I didn't quite pick up that there was something off with her at that time, I didn't see the harm in saying this... .Flash forward to now with all of the weird stuff that has happened since, I had a feeling she would show up at one of these... .and she did. She was there yesterday with a friend. When we used to watch these games, she never invited her friends. I told her she could, but she was always secretive with it, like she didn't want them to know we talk. Yet, she would bump into my friends and try to hang out with them. So, I found this odd that she never invited those friends, but I stop inviting her and she ends up there anyhow.

She did this last year. From July to January, she started the following weird behavior. I stopped inviting her and she reached out to my friend for an invitation, then invited herself to go to dinner with my friends (which she is not friends with any of them) for my birthday. Then, she would make excuses to be alone with me. We go out with a group and she would hang back to get a ride from me, even though somebody else was going the same way as her. I would have a party and she would stay behind so it was just the two of us for 45 minutes. Yet, when I tried to say something to her, she wouldn't say anything. Over the past year, she has mimicked me. She has invited herself to my things, she has bought tickets to the same things I did. She has reached out to my friends repeatedly. When she is around me, she eats my food in a way that I have never had a colleague or even friends do. Any time I liked something, she all of a sudden did too. I planned a trip to Iceland, she look into it and gave me oddly specific tips. I asked if she had been there before and she very awkwardly (like a kid that got caught in a lie) said she looked into travel information there. She is very cold blooded, only likes to go to tropical locations for trips and she looks up Iceland?. I plan a trip to watch a game in DC, she looks up flight information. I received emails about "work", even though those emails should have gone to somebody else. . So, there are definitely a lot of examples of her making excuses to be around me. My friend has point blank said he feels like she is reaching out to him, to use it as an excuse to be around me and several of my friends are uncomfortable with her. I block her on facebook, she creates a new profile. I block her on linkedin, I start getting private views.

In August, she has joined new committees, with my coworkers. She is now on committees with 4 of my coworkers and had lunch with one of them now. The other ones luckily don't trust her and have avoided her. Her weird friend that is very much like her and does whatever she tells her to do, has now started to try to get my other coworkers to go to lunch. She doesn't know these people well at all, but she knows my past with this girl, so I find it weird that she wants to start this friendship with my friends. Then, yesterday, I had to talk to my boss about an email that another one of her friends blamed me for a situation (not related to the BPD) at work and me giving incorrect information. Luckily, I had everything documented, so I could show my boss there was no incorrect information from my end. But, this was her friend that also threw me under the bus. I do know that one of her friends/coworkers and her did not like one of their other coworkers and managed to file a report against her and she was fired. And, there was another coworker of hers that was fired, because of a report she made. Hence, why I am terrified of this girl. Heck, the first time I met her was to sell something to her online. She knew who I was, but I had no idea who she was.

I have not quite put my finger on it. I meet with a psychologist who has stated that she has shown stalker tendencies and has shown parts of characteristics of dissociation, borderline, bipolar, multiple personality disorder. She has gone so far to say that she worries about my safety based on some of the email exchanges I have shown her. At first, I thought she was just very immature and awkward. She acted very much like what I would expect a 12 year old girl to do if she liked a guy. Yet, she is 27. I don't know if she hasn't matured from that point or what. I really don't think there is a guy she is dating or anything, which doesn't help me explain this situation. It just felt like I was a secret, but I am not sure why.

[Skip]

During the month of August... .

Incident 1 one day in August that our offices work closely in the same building, across rooms from each other... // ... My coworkers have caught her doing this, leering at me and now she does it to them as well. It is just this blank, empty stare.

Incident 2 Yesterday, I went to watch a game with a friend... //... She was there yesterday with a friend.

Incident 3 In August, she has joined new committees, with my coworkers. She is now on committees with 4 of my coworkers and had lunch with one of them now.

Incident 4 Yesterday, I had to talk to my boss about an email that another one of her friends blamed me for a situation (not related to the BPD) at work and me giving incorrect information. Luckily, I had everything documented... .

Do I have this right? These are the four things from August that concern you?

[JaxWest]

Do I have this right? These are the four things from August that concern you?

Yes, those are 4 of the big things that scare me. The fact that her coworker (the same one that she teamed up with to report one of their coworkers) is reaching out to my friends, I am nervous about that. Based on all that has happened in the past, those just are unsettling to me. The staring is just the big thing. The blank, deep, empty stare.

[Skip]

The staring is just the big thing. The blank, deep, empty stare.

Have you taken the MOSAIC test? It might help everyone here to help you. Answer the questions very literally and based on facts (don't interpret, just report).


The testing service will need your email address to send you results

The enhanced MOSAIC method is used by the U.S. Supreme Court Police to assess threats to the Justices, by the U.S. Marshals Service for screening threats to judicial officials, by the U.S. Capitol Police for threats against Members of Congress, by police agencies protecting the governors of eleven states, by many large corporations, and by thirty top universities.
More info: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379

[JaxWest]

I have never used that test before, but that will be my project this weekend/week. I did reach out to a lawyer for a free consultation and did get some encouraging news. I shared my documentation and seemed pretty confident that this would be enough to show that she is displaying stalker behavior.

[JaxWest]

I just wanted to hear other's stories about BPD's reappearing months after no-contact. I stopped being around this BPD the beginning of February. I work at the same place though, so I do see her stare at me, very eerily. Well, when we were going to the bar I mentioned that my friend and I were going to start watching games at a new restaurant when football season started back up in the fall. Flash forward to last Thursday... .My friend and I went, and she "happened" to be there as well with friends. Could it be a coincidence, because this is a smaller town? Yes, it could be. But, it also seems like it matches BPD's that they make a point to know your routine. With the amount of times she has reached out to my friends in the past, I don't think this is a coincidence.

[JaxWest]

I completed the MOSAIC and the results showed 135 points out of 200 and on a scale of 1-10, a 5.

Based upon the information you have provided, and with a quality level of 135 out of a possible 200, this situation appears most similar to cases that -have- worsened and escalated. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being assigned to situations that have most of the factors experts associate with escalation), this situation is a 5. Some similar cases have escalated to include worsening abuse and substantial violence. Though not in the worst category of cases, this situation can escalate to the point that a future assessment would produce a higher number on the 1 to 10 scale.

There were quite a few that I didn't feel like I could answer (abuse with alcohol. I know she drinks quite a bit and very early in the day, but I have not seen anything that I could say would be abusive but there may be). I left that one blank, along with a few others, but it did still show a risk of violent behavior for her.

[JaxWest]

How likely is it for a BPD to appear in the areas that you typically frequent? Am I wrong to question her being there?

[Pretty Woman]

Dont overthink it. That's probably the biggest obstacle when these relationships end. If it's a smaller town, it's likely coincidental.

I know for me, and I'm not speculating for you... .I would be thinking the same thing because I'd be looking for "validation" she is BPD but that's just my ego talking. I don't live In a small area here in the city and my ex and her girlfriend have been in the same place as me several times. Are they not supposed to go to concerts because I do? No. Lol.

So don't overthink it. She could or could not be there "stalking". That's not important. What's important is how did you feel seeing her there? How are you dealing with it, Friend?

[Skip]

How likely is it for a BPD to appear in the areas that you typically frequent? Am I wrong to question her being there?

The worst thing that happened in August is that you thought she might be looking at you one day. She very well might, but that doesn't make her dangerous.

I think it would be good to detach from her - so what if she her around a bit - does that alone scare you?

[JaxWest]

Dont overthink it. That's probably the biggest obstacle when these relationships end. If it's a smaller town, it's likely coincidental.

I know for me, and I'm not speculating for you... .I would be thinking the same thing because I'd be looking for "validation" she is BPD but that's just my ego talking. I don't live In a small area here in the city and my ex and her girlfriend have been in the same place as me several times. Are they not supposed to go to concerts because I do? No. Lol.

So don't overthink it. She could or could not be there "stalking". That's not important. What's important is how did you feel seeing her there? How are you dealing with it, Friend?

Hopefully it is a coincidence. My friend that I was with said I had a look of terror on my face when I spotted her. I definitely got really nervous to the point that my friend asked if I wanted to leave and go someplace else. After a few minutes, I relaxed and got comfortable again and ignored that she was there. I am doing these game watches throughout the fall, so I am going to change up locations. I don't want to stop going out because of the chance she will be there. My hunch says she will show up again sometime, but I am not acknowledging her.

[JaxWest]

The worst thing that happened in August is that you thought she might be looking at you one day. She very well might, but that doesn't make her dangerous.

I think it would be good to detach from her - so what if she her around a bit - does that alone scare you?

To be honest, I am just not sure what to think of this. One ex of mine was diagnosed BPD. She had more of the common traits. She was dangerous and proved that. This girl, I have no idea. Some of my female friends that have now been around her more (because she has sought out so many of my friends) think she may just never have developed emotionally in terms of relationships. As they put it, they acted like her in junior high (made excuses to be around a crush, but avoided the crush at the same time), but she still acts this way at 27... .i.e., they think she likes me, but is afraid of me. She asks my coworker about my dating life and very personal things like that. Yet, she can hardly talk to me when we are alone. So, I asked her out and she makes an excuse. Then, after that, she text my friend, then another, another and etc... .Each time, I am the topic and she is asking personal things about me. Which, is kind of creepy. Yet, when she sees me when she is around her friends, she blew me off and ignored me. When we were hanging out, she hinted that she wants to be invited to things, but when I did, she makes it sound like she is busy if I invited her. When I had conversations with her, she knew things about me that shouldn't have known. It was like we skipped a couple of lines when we were talking and like she had researched me... .researched a LOT about me. All of my friends indicated that they got the vibe she was interested in me. Their thought is that she doesn't realize how she is appearing "stalker-ish" and doesn't know what to say/do around me now, so she just stares at me as witnessed by several people. If she is just emotionally immature, that is one thing. If she is psychotic, that is another. There are some similarities that I have noticed with her and my BPD ex, but I don't think this girl has BPD. Dissociation, maybe. A mental disorder, definitely. The best description I can give is to envision somebody asking you to hand them the remote, so you give the remote, they look startled and confused and start questioning why you gave them the remote... .even though she just asked for it. Then, a few days later she does the same thing. I thought I could be friends with this girl, but it is just disturbing to have somebody mimic me to this level with my quotes/sayings, hobbies, thoughts and beliefs, general demeanor. I have detached, but she tries to latch onto my friends. It started with her trying to have lunch with my friends or dinner. They declined, so now she volunteered to be on a committee with coworkers, because they cannot just ignore her now. I think the part that scares me the most is that she and a friend reported one of their coworkers for "threatening" behavior and got her moved from her position. I don't know if she has an end game or is just emotionally off. Granted, if she is just emotionally immature, I am going to feel dumb with this, but I feel like I need to be aware around her at this time. There are just so many times that it seems like there is nobody in there when she is around. Like, she is zoned out in an odd, deep way and is just not there.

[JaxWest]

I guess I should mention this too.  After I asked her out and got the weird answer, I was fine with a friendship... .if she treated me like this, but she didn't. My friends were getting uncomfortable because she was reaching out to them. The one day I was with a friend and her. I had to meet somebody uptown for a few minutes and would return. When I was leaving, she got really weird and freaked out that I was going to walk uptown by myself... .in a very safe town, that has hardly any violent crime. Apparently, it got worse when I was gone and my friend said she got to the point of being "hysterical" about me being gone so long. Yet, I got back and it was like she didn't acknowledge me. You wouldn't know she was just freaking out if I was safe or not.

I felt I had to try to talk to her, because she was involving my friends at this time. She wouldn't talk and blame shifted. I mentioned that there were questions about my dating life, so I was confused why she was seeking this information about me so much and she turned the blame around. She said none of us had the right to talk about her dating life. I was kind of dumbfounded by this, because none of us asked. She was asking my friends about my dating life, how often I date, and other very specific things. Heck, her friends were asking about this information too.  I never asked about her or contacted her friends. She was trying to put the blame on my friend (the one she was asking these questions to) and said he was being "creepy" and asking odd things about her personal life. I know that isn't true, because he wouldn't do that, there is a pattern of her doing that and she reached out to him after that anyhow. So, I asked why she was texting my friend (have phone records) and she denied doing that. She said she didn't remember that and that she didn't do that.

[Turkish]

Did you take the MOSAIC test? It took me about 10 mins,  if I recall correctly.  It might help to establish a baseline here. 

[JaxWest]

Did you take the MOSAIC test? It took me about 10 mins,  if I recall correctly.  It might help to establish a baseline here. 

I did take it and the assessment showed a 5 out of 10, with some risk for it to escalate farther.