Hi Endofmyrope86,
I'd like to welcome you to the site. I completely understand how confusing and distressing it feels when you're in a r/s with a pwBPD without external support. You're in the right place, you'll see that you fit right in here, many of us can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. How's your support network in real life? Do you spend time away from your pwBPD doing your own activities and spending time with family and friends.
You are right, a pwBPD will give you feedback that is mostly negative about yourself, that's a distortion like you said. It helps to also surround yourself with people that will give you a more balanced perspective about yourself, like family and friends and people on this board. This is a place where there is no judgement or invalidation, something that we often receive from a pwBPD.
Its come as far as social services being involved with them recommending I leave her and take the kids... .
Really? They told you this, I wonder if the person is from an older generation, I don't think that I would advise to leave your kids behind, what if you went to court and wanted to get custody of the kids, how would that look like when the abandons the family. It would be an uphill battle for you, you have just as many rights as mom has, this is a new generation.
is there hope for me to maybe even just deal with this better and not take her harsh threats so personally?
Absolutely there is hope, I can recall walking on eggshells with my uBPDex, feeling and anxious and emotionally distressed. A part of learning how to cope with a pwBPD is to learn as much as you can about the disorder, once you learn and are familiar with how the disorder works, you'll realize that the behaviors are not intentional, the person doesn't have control of them, that doesn't mean that absolves the person, because they still have a responsibility to get help for themselves, even if they have a mental illness.
I'll suggest a book for your you Margalis Fjelstad's PhD book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist it's targeted at the non in a r/s with a pwBPD, we have a review of the book
here It's a good read, she describes a r/s with a pwBPD very well, she's realistic about our roles in the r/s, you have to be emotionally strong, set boundaries etc... and gives you strategies with coping, self care etc... You can also find the lessons on the right side of the board
Welcome to the family, you're not alone.
