Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 12:20:58 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Detaching and Moving  (Read 1014 times)
Gemsforeyes
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #30 on: January 17, 2018, 06:55:49 PM »

Dear Jim-

I wanted to check in and see how you're doing.  I know you haven't been on the site since November or so, and you were going through some difficult adjustments.  I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you're taking care of yourself and finding some much deserved balance and peace  in your life.

I'm here, as are lots of us who care about you, if you'd like to talk.

Warmly,

Gemsforeyes
Logged
Jim579
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #31 on: June 17, 2018, 08:01:16 PM »

Hi Gems,

Thank you for the kind words and for caring.

It's now mid-June and I'm assessing where I am emotionally.

I have come up empty with that assessment. I'm not sure, as I look back over the last 10 months, whether I've had any luck re-centering myself.

About two months after my arrival, I was lucky to find full-time work. For a good three or four months, it was exhausting, but it was new, at least. And it meant some money was coming in, giving me some sense of independence.

For most of that time, I chalked up the exhaustion to the steep learning curve and, to some extent, the hours. I was working 45-50 hrs per week, sometimes working partial days on weekends.

I'm not sure if I've acclimated at all or if I'm in the same boat later 8 months later. I still feel exhausted nearly every night. I keep waiting for my coveted, longed-for job stamina to appear.

And it feels like a complete blur since I first arrived here, at my new home.

I'm wondering if my fear back in November has come true: that jumping into a new job right away would get in the way of processing the move I made from my xpwBPD.

I've been telling myself to stick it out just a little longer.

But I don't feel like my time is my own. I don't feel like I've been able to catch my breath from the relationship. There are not enough consecutive blocks of time free for me to do much of anything.  Its almost like I just traded in my never-done-with-the-caretaking status in the relationship for a similar job status:  never-quite-done-with-assignments.

It feels like, after getting out of a house fire, I've now put all my things into a car, and I'm driving it at 85 miles per hour, without enough time to check the coolant levels or check the oil.

I have attempted in the last 2 months to find a counselor. My previous counselor suggested continuing on with someone else, once I moved. For a long time I couldn't imagine finding anyone who could see me during the hours I have available. But anxiety and and on a creeping sense of job hatred, vaguely connected with the idea of not dealing with the relationship break-up, were growing.

The first counselor stood me up, after about a week of phone, text, and voicemail tag. I stood at his office for a while trying to make sense of all of this. I still remember this feeling of disbelief. He runs a side business unrelated to counseling. I stopped in briefly, just to see if you would recognize me or if he had anything to say. He had a lot of customers. He said, oh hi Jim, and went back to them.

I do have a second appointment with the second counselor I eventually found, in the next city over. The first appointment was all information gathering, or intake as they call it. She asked when I would like to meet next. I said, tomorrow? I could just stay right here in the lobby. She said, let's see what we can find next week. I guess the next availability turned out to be 3 weeks later. So that's about 2 weeks from now.

I feel like I'm completely out of gas and already way past any remaining fumes.

Even though it's 7:35 p.m. on Sunday, it feels like it might as well be 6:30 a.m., Monday morning--oh, it's time to figure out how on earth I'm going to get the leftover work from last week done this morning!

My nerves feel like they're on the surface of my skin, like they did during the worst times of the relationship. I'm trying very hard not to call or text my boss and announce my immediate resignation. I've been thinking about when to do the most thoughtful thing, and give two weeks notice... .but I've been thinking about that notice for about 8 weeks now.

I feel like I'm now paying an emotional toll, during an impossible situation, for having put off any follow-up counseling for so long.   Am I just wired (haywired?) to throw myself into overwhelming, no-down time situations?
Logged
MeandThee29
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 977


« Reply #32 on: June 18, 2018, 10:12:06 AM »

I feel like I'm completely out of gas and already way past any remaining fumes.

Even though it's 7:35 p.m. on Sunday, it feels like it might as well be 6:30 a.m., Monday morning--oh, it's time to figure out how on earth I'm going to get the leftover work from last week done this morning!

My nerves feel like they're on the surface of my skin, like they did during the worst times of the relationship. I'm trying very hard not to call or text my boss and announce my immediate resignation. I've been thinking about when to do the most thoughtful thing, and give two weeks notice... .but I've been thinking about that notice for about 8 weeks now.

I feel like I'm now paying an emotional toll, during an impossible situation, for having put off any follow-up counseling for so long.   Am I just wired (haywired?) to throw myself into overwhelming, no-down time situations?

The tiredness is a common symptom when you are going through something like this. I shared that issue with my physician after having perfect blood work, etc., and he said it's to be expected with a little depression and anxiety. Mine isn't bad enough to take medication, but I have good and bad days. It will get better.

Counselling dropped it down to a reasonable level though, far better than before. On a bad day, I can still function and get things done. It's usually short term now.

If you basically like the work, I'd give the counselling a try and then see how you feel.
Logged
Jim579
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #33 on: June 18, 2018, 02:21:59 PM »

Hi MeandThee29,

Thank you for writing back.

I'm glad to hear that counseling has helped your situation.  It's helpful to hear your experience, too.

I don't know if I'll be able to hold out long enough to try counseling (before making a job decision), but:

--I did call a friend who's a good listener and very empathetic.

--I called the crisis line of the mental health center that did my intake.  It's been rare that I've ever thought of suicide, but I felt like I was starting to approach that kind of thinking.  It wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped, but it was another voice on the line that at least acknowledged the rough spot I was in.

--I talked to a second friend on the way to the office.  My thought in going there was to arrive before anyone else, turn in my work equipment and my key, and just leave it at that.  Although I had also considered asking for/taking a mental health day, the furthest I could get with that is:  "They'll say no" and "I'd just be delaying the inevitable."  Friend 2 suggested something:  maybe the way they react to my need for a mental health day will give me further info to base a decision on.

That sounded possibly fair.  And I'm usually very averse to any kind of rash act, like sudden quitting.  So I drove home and took Friend 2's suggestion. 

I don't really want to make a huge mistake--since so much in our culture rides on occupation/insurance--without feeling a little more calm about the situation.

Just kind of recapping the morning.  But MeandThee29, thank you again.  It was nice to find your response waiting for me.

Jim579
Logged
Jim579
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #34 on: June 18, 2018, 11:24:15 PM »

This is a general post--just continuing on from before--

Still trying to understand what to do next.  In some ways, it doesn't seem like I have the same post-breakup feelings as others:

--I don't really miss the relationship.  I miss some of the "inlaw" relationships that were built over many years, but the idea of returning to the relationship itself does not feel attractive.  It feels akin to climbing back into a dark, claustrophobic cave.

--N/C is something I'm on the fence about.  There have been a few phone calls that have gone fine; she has not engaged me with BPD behaviors or conflict.  She sends me text messages far more often than I respond; I try to respond to the ones that are calm, instead of those that are conflict-laden or potentially manipulative. 

On the other hand, there are some definite similarities with others here on the messageboard:

--Yesterday, I think I experienced a possible trigger.  My partner walked with a metal cane.  I've heard this sound in multiple environments since leaving her 10 months ago (with no apparent reaction).  But last night, it got to me while really struggling with fundamental job questions (can I continue to bear working there until I get an official job offer from another organization?  just another two week?  can I bear even going back, period?).

The little plastic pulls at the end of the window-blind cord, occasionally caught by the wind, were knocking against the window-sill and each other.  It sounded very much like the two-tone sound of a metal cane (with plastic tip) making contact with the ground, and the rattle/reverberation of the pieces that make up the cane. 

I tried to think my way "through" such an innocuous sound:  yes, look, that's all it is.  I can see what's making the sound.  My xpwBPD is not coming around the corner... .but it was still causing stress.  I wound up the cord so that the noise wouldn't occur.

I'm a little confused on what I should be doing.  Should I be posting in this section of the board, or from the "Learning... ." section?  I've looked through the Detaching/Learning lessons here, but I have to admit, they seem sort of circular and regressive, in that they talk more about the process of identifying whether a partner has BPD traits.

It's been 10 months since I left the relationship.  My first counseling session is still 2 weeks away.  I have to wonder if my current job has been a kind of placeholder for the relationship.  It leaves very little to zero time for my own interests, even during days off (which are sometimes consumed by the job).  It feels unfair not to have dependable days off.  When I think about leaving it, I have thoughts of "who else will save the day?"  So some definite self-sacrifice thought patterns in there.

My supervisor seems potentially willing to make some changes--a good reminder that this is not a BPD relationship--but I'm not sure what to ask for.

I think I can get away with one more mental health day before they want some input from me.  I'm very confused about what I'm dealing with here, emotionally and mentally.  It seems like the job duties/dynamics have become jumbled up with escaping from a BPD relationship.

Thanks for reading.   
Logged
Jim579
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #35 on: June 19, 2018, 10:02:46 AM »

A short addendum:

A friend asked me today what my gut feeling was about the work situation.  The answer I ended up giving made me think there truly is a connection with the BPD experience and breakup:

"My gut is telling me the same thing as it would at a restaurant, if there was food remaining on my plate, but I was full.  If the server came up to me and said:

'It would really mean a lot to the cook if you were to finish that right now.  Management would really, really hope that you would, too.  And it would mean a lot to me, personally.'

"then I would say,

'No.  I've already eaten more than I intended to, because I knew this reaction from restaurant staff would come.  You've already gotten my energy, and my time, and my money, and yes--although I did get the benefit of the food itself--I'm done, and frankly, past the point of being done.  I went further than I should have, in hindsight.  I didn't expect to reach this point of revulsion so soon, I'm kinda sorry that I've reached this point, but no.  Just no.'

"My brain tells me that--back in the job context--I really need to give them the standard two weeks' notice.

"But I feel that the trade-off has been, essentially, unfair.  They've already gotten me for the time they've had me.  A sane person, after three months, would say, 'I'm past the bulk of the learning curve hump--this is what the job is?  Forget it.'

"And so while I feel very selfish for saying no, I feel like, well, that reluctance to say 'No, enough' is the very thing that got me into the caretaking situation with my pwBPD."

Maybe I'm having a way-stronger reaction that I should have, precisely because of my BPD relationship.  But that seems to be where I am, at this specific moment.
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #36 on: June 19, 2018, 11:25:33 AM »

Excerpt
Maybe I'm having a way-stronger reaction that I should have, precisely because of my BPD relationship.  But that seems to be where I am, at this specific moment.

Hey Jim579, Let's start from where you are at present.  Are you hoping to get back together with your BPD Ex?  I'm unsure from your latest post.  Are you still haunted by triggers, such as the sound her cane makes?  Are you unhappy at work and thinking about making a change?  What is the connection between your work and your BPD Ex?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Jim579
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #37 on: June 19, 2018, 11:49:19 AM »

Hi LuckyJim,

Thank you for writing back.  Sorry, that's a lot to digest without a kind of bare-bones update, isn't it?  

1.  No, I'm not hoping to get back together with my BPD Ex.

2.  Up until yesterday, I didn't think there were triggers that affected me.  But all of a sudden, I noticed that I was kind of wincing each time I heard that sound.  It makes me think that perhaps there are others that I just haven't consciously noticed.

3.  Yes, I'm unhappy at work and thinking of making a change.  I was on a reasonable kind of trajectory in that way--gathering information about the potential, new position.  Establishing what the new job might entail as far as "earliest start date" and "we need to to start at X date, at the latest, if you want the job."  And then, wham, Sunday night/Monday morning, I just hit immediate revulsion- and resistance-mode towards the job.

4.  There isn't a direct connection between the job and my xpwBPD.  I have moved out of the state in which she lives.  But I'm starting to wonder if my sudden reaction comes from feeling that some of my unhealthy relationship behavior is being repeated, such as lack of reciprocity (I give the job much more than I get in return), schedule unpredictability (sometimes the job literally gets in the way of itself--the only way to solve this issue is put my own time in), and a kind of dead feeling (there are very few positive reactions to things, just negative reactions if something doesn't work out).  At least with a partner, there was a love relationship that was once part of the equation!
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #38 on: June 19, 2018, 01:47:27 PM »

OK, that clarifies it.  So you're saying that you've recreated the unhealthy r/s with your BPD Ex, to some extent, with an unhealthy r/s with your work?  Wouldn't surprise me at all.  The same patterns tend to repeat in different contexts, from what I've observed.  I once had a boss who treated his wife poorly and did the same thing at work with his employees.

I guess the question is: why do you keep getting into the same pattern at work that you did in your BPD r/s?  Is that the right question?  If so, that's your task: to figure it out.

LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Jim579
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #39 on: June 19, 2018, 05:34:41 PM »

LJ,

I'm not sure if that's what I'm facing.  I'm wondering if that's the case. 

I'm on my second "mental health day" leave from work.  The feelings of revulsion late Sunday/early Monday were surprisingly strong, stopped me in my tracks, and I'm still baffled by them.  That was my thought in bringing these feelings and questions to the board.
Logged
Gemsforeyes
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #40 on: June 19, 2018, 10:26:31 PM »

Dear Jim-
I'm so glad to "see" you.  And to say that I empathize with where you stand would be an understatement.  I am standing here twice now, and this second time has cost me my health.

I try not to pour too much of my own story into a response, but I think it may help you reflect and redirect toward a healthier path for yourself than the one I took.  I'll try to be concise.

When my husband of 19 years threw me across the room and into a wall one night in 2011, I was stunned.  It was the last thing in the world I EVER expected him to do.  There had been some "issues" for a few months, a brief and very calm discussion of temporary separation, but a horrible few days of fighting leading up to that night.  I did however come to understand that I had been emotionally abused and "bullied" during much of our relationship, and my T (who had previously done marriage counseling for us during prior bumps), had told me... ."Gems, you have GOT to get away from this man!"  This was after my H sent me his " Husband's Manifesto", a list of the things he wanted me to do.  I showed the Manifesto to my T.  I was bewildered.  I had always worked more than full-time, while my H worked half-time, ran around and did GOD knows what... .

So the night came when he physically hurled my body.  I was terrified and ran to the phone to call 911.  He screamed that I "better NOT be calling the police", so I hung up.  Well the call went through and they showed up, and arrested him for felony domestic assault based on what HE told the officer.  I lied to the officer who spoke to me.  My husband knew me as a person who NEVER lied.  He was the liar, so he figured that he better tell the truth that night.  The biggest error of my life was not pressing charges.  No matter now.

Three weeks prior to this violent incident and the collapse of my marriage , I had left a job of 16 years for a new one.  I was completely misled over what my new job responsibilities would be.  I poured my entire soul into that job and IGNORED the fact that I was falling apart emotionally.  I isolated my genius, analytical brain from my broken heart.  I did some of the best, most complex work of my life and didn't miss a beat.  I dropped another 20 pounds.  My H was supposed to stay off the property, but did not.  He tortured me nightly.  I should have, but did not call the police again.  I screwed myself but good.

Ultimately I fled my home and moved cross-country.  I bought a house sight unseen in my home state... .a place I hated.   I left all of my friends, my job, my community, the place that I loved.  I still hate myself.  My employer told me I could remain employed, but changed their minds before my car hit my destination state.  They did allow me to become a contract worker.  I continued to pour myself into work.  When I wasn't working, I cried hysterically by myself.  I lost more weight.  I was told if I didn't gain weight, I would be put in the hospital to gain weight, so I turned to candy kisses for help.  It worked and I slowly gained weight.  I am back to using that candy to keep some weight on.

In 9/2013 I met BPDbf.  Lucky me... .I have to stay away from him forever.  I made him go away in February when my best friend died suddenly and he couldn't control his rage.  Last week the text messages started so we could meet and exchange items.  Then he got nasty.  I guess the thought of seeing his face, or being in his presence got the best of me and I ended up in the ER for most of Friday late afternoon and night.  This time it was NOT an anxiety attack.  I had to text him to see if he could look after my dog.  Yes of course!  But the thought of him in my home made me check myself out of the hospital AMA, against medical advice.  My brother told me he will take my dog if I die.  So did a friend in CA.  Yesterday I called the suicide hotline. 

I have complex PTSD.  I know too much about myself.  I tried to quit my job today, saying I have some health issues to address.  They told me they will put the project on hold until I'm feeling better.  Their desire for my work has zip to do with caring about my wellbeing.   I want to tell them to pound sand and that I will NEVER feel well enough to work for THEM!

So Jim... .please... .try to do for yourself what I cannot.  Take some time to heal yourself from what you have been through.  If I recall correctly, your dad has a good understanding of what you've been through.  Tell him and other friends how you're feeling.  If adjustments to your work responsibilities CAN be made to ease your hours and your mind/emotions, maybe that's an option.  If not, another job opportunity will arise. 
 
I did not take the time to heal from the devastating effects of my "escape"; and clearly from this BPD ending.  I have hidden way too much for way too long.  Please don't be like me.  And please know... .I am NOT seeking solace or comfort.  I have learned a lesson. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #41 on: June 20, 2018, 09:03:21 AM »

Hey Jim, If you're taking another day off, presumably something is bothering you.  What are your gut feelings?  Does it have something to do with your former BPD r/s?  Suggest you allow yourself to experience and acknowledge your feelings.  What's happening?  Sometimes one needs to get quiet in order to let the water clear.

LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Jim579
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #42 on: November 08, 2018, 09:13:35 PM »

Dear Gems & LJ,

Thanks so much for writing back.

Gems, I am truly sorry to hear what you've gone through.   I do take to heart your suggestion to heal as much as possible before possibly entering a similar situation. I think I'm doing that.

LJ, the gut feelings were: being overwhelmed, feeling that the work situation was unfair, and a bit hurt that my offer to continue working during the hiatus was rejected.

Ultimately, it turned out that a friend's suggestion to level with the boss (before resigning) was the correct one.  I expressed my exhaustion, said what I thought I needed and laid out what I thought I could offer in the short term (i.e. one or two of the more important work projects).

My friend had said that my boss' reaction would tell me if resigning would be the right step to take.  And that was good advice.  What came back from the boss was disinterest in my emotional situation and an attempt to "lay down the law."  (Thanks, boss, for that non sequitur!)  So I resigned and gave them nothing. 

I was able to find another position a few months later, where I remain today.

Looking back at my earlier posts, I think the connection with the BPDex came from the emotional draining and the lack of reciprocity.  With both the relationship and the work, it would be one thing if there were some point of recharging--or better yet:  rest, change of pace, recovery.  But that never seemed to arrive in either situation.  And I mean that in terms of being left alone, and managing that recharging on my own.  Reciprocity, which could have been expressed by accomplishments being noted (work) or loving/emotional support (relationship) ... .gosh, that would've been pure gravy! 

I'm working part-time and am keeping this schedule deliberately to allow extra time for rest.  In a few months, it may be possible to go up to almost full-time. 

I wasn't expecting such a parallel to develop between work and the BPDex relationship.  But there it was--at least, emotionally.  It didn't seem to make any sense intellectually--why would a tapping sound (see earlier post) all of a sudden cause such a reaction, for instance?

I have this image in my head of a short-circuit--where there's so much electricity in a confined space, that it jumps out of its bounds and lands elsewhere.  Maybe that's just the trouble with trauma... .it doesn't want to stay put where it seems like it ought to.

Thanks again for reading and for the perspective.  Maybe I can be helpful to others on this board in some way.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #43 on: November 10, 2018, 11:24:42 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. Please feel free to continue the conversation in another thread.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!