Four months out protective orders cooling off period ended last week

[Idsrvt2]

Hello,
I thought I would check in as I'm having a somewhat relapse of sorts .
So ten days ago I was supposed to see my x in court, but the director at the legal aide suggested the attorney call my xs side so I did not have to show up,  I acted impulsively and agreed only for them to call and tell me I had to in the holiday weekend goto their office or I could not be represented they refused to tell me if they spoke to my xs attorney.
So I showed up in court and was told oh you weren't told you don't have to be here ... .ugh and agrgggg ... and then she says oh and he's not coming.   My heart sank a bit... .that was to be my closure for months I anticipated it and there I was because my side called his and didn't tell me.
Thankfully one of the domestic abuse councilors grabbed me and talked with me and made some sense of it all and she said wow your x should have been fired and another wow to me seeing him daily almost as he is my mail carrier

I'm posting the above as the back story of where this relapse started for me...
I no longer feel that all my x told me was true ... sure he's a recluse... but the rape, and mutilation, the not feeling things for others and so on I believe was all made up

What I do know is I thought I was over him
I started seeing someone new and while he too showed flags ... atleast he didn't get a protective order out in me for texts I sent. He pushed boundaries and I finally cut him off last week... that was easy to do even after a month of seeing him three times a week and having great chemistry .
I don't miss that guy
So why on earth am I so hung up on my x I just don't know
My counciling ends this week... has it helped? Yes and no
I know I have boundary issues that's a given .
She said something to me two weeks ago that I will heel

I have to say I did smile and laugh when I looked in my mail box and there sat a nicely bundled package of mail from the last month ... .  I did it, I made it thru the horrible days , the triggers , avoiding him... I made it thru it... I made it thru the hate for him for having my mail cut off as he pranced about my neighbors yards etc.
. but now this is yet a new stage. We don't have to avoid each other
In a way this is the start of my heeling as now I have no ties to the x, maybe just maybe that explains why I am crying tonight and today ... as he just walks on with  no care at all just like all is well. Probably happy he has his fifty weapons back.

I had a very weak moment last weekend after the guy I was dating basically used me and I almost texted my x... but caught myself .
This is the first time I can contact the x... most on here aren't cut off with an enforced protection order , so I guesss I now join all of you that struggle not to contact the x.

I doubt any of this makes sense I feel all over the place right now... .I feel like no one gets this feeling I have it's like my heart has been ripped open again,
My councilor suggested I spend time alone this weekend and I have ... away from any guys ... it's a struggle . I feel lost

[Mutt]

I started seeing someone new and while he too showed flags ... atleast he didn't get a protective order out in me for texts I sent. He pushed boundaries and I finally cut him off last week... that was easy to do even after a month of seeing him three times a week and having great chemistry .
I don't miss that guy

Let's take a look at the similarities and the differences between the two. They both have red flags but I bet that your BPDex is more polarized and intense than this last guy?

How did both r/s's end? Did this last one end amicably and mutually? Did your r/s with your BPDex end dramatically and traumatically without proper closure?

I had a very weak moment last weekend after the guy I was dating basically used me and I almost texted my x... but caught myself .

As bad as things got in the end, it wasn't always that way, at one time we had our exes complete attention, that felt very validating,

Plus they were someone that we cared a lot about. I think that's normal to want to turn to someone that we were close to, it takes awhile to get over someone.

[Idsrvt2]

Thanks Mutt for your reply and hello again

The new guy and I basically just stopped talking, no official ending... the last date was just horrible and I saw no need to end it ... there was just nothing left that was desirable  ... this guy also tolerated some texts that weren't so nice ... texts my x would always find upsetting and dump me over

The x BPD was more polarizing ... just something about him and his touch and how open we were with each other ... .I didn't have that passion with him like with the new guy... but I had some sort of understanding, he cared more
The ending was horrid, police and protection orders false one at that ... no closure at all and I couldn't talk to him for four months yet saw him delivering mail almost daily around me.
Sometimes I wonder if he is a narc and not BPD

I cared more about him and still do and I'm at risk for a recycle ... all I have to do is walk outside my house ... if you saw my recent post I think he maybe trying to suck me back in... .but who knows .
I'm at a better place now... .I would like for some sort of peace ... but I'm not reaching out ... sadly in the past I would just address the issues with him, but now going to his boss as I have no clue what head space my x is in and I don't need another protective order or him making up something I said to his boss

Thanks for pointing out thebtwo different endings

[Mutt]

Why are you worried about a recycle?

[Idsrvt2]

I'm worried about a recycle as lately I just feel more vulnerable... .I don't know maybe I don't give myself enough credit that I wouldn't allow one.
It stems from no closure  I think

I will know more once I figure out the whole odd mail situation from yesterday ... to me it just screams he wants me to engage with him.  A test of sorts ... I could be wrong and hope that I am. I wouldn't mind some sort of peace and closure even if it's just a hey yea we are ok type of thing. 
I wasn't home at all yesterday so to me it should have just been simple for him ...



I talked about this with my councilor yesterday and told her I felt free now not restricted and like  my life is back to more normalcy And then I got home and the package wasn't picked up and I'm sure you read my post. Smh
I've done a lot of work but I still have more to do.
It's just a hassle of sorts as I do a lot of eBay ... .just want it sorted out
I guess though this does show I'm stronger than I think as I could easily have a valid reason to speak with him... .

[Mutt]

A recycle won't happen if you set the boundary on yourself.