Hi, this is my first post, and it's really an introduction. I don't suppose my story is particularly unique going on what I have read in this forum, and others, over the past 3 months since the break up.
Like a lot of people, I only found out about BPD after the final "push" and the painting black. I don't know for certain if my ex girlfriend had BPD, but she sure as hell had a lot of traits.
We were together for just over 3 years. 3 years of hell! It was as rocky as any relationship could be and involved arrests, vandalism, violence, emotional abuse, cheating, utter chaos, and of course, eventually complete seemingly over-night discard and hatred.
To give you an idea of what happened, here are some examples of the more poignant encounters between us:
- She keyed my car and lied to the police, I'll spare you the language she used against me when I accused her
- She threatened suicide at least 10 times when I tried to leave
- She got pregnant twice when I tried to leave, but said on both occasions it could be someone called Mike's (still don't know who Mike is)
- Stalking
- Ripping up my clothes
- Cheating and lying and rubbing it in my face
- Lying about having cancer and when I questioned her she used it as justification to break up with me and then slept with someone at work and told me about it
The list goes on.
Now, she may just be a nasty ___, but what makes me think its BPD is the splitting, the fear abandonment, the lack of known self (she has no idea who she is, what she likes, or who she fancies or finds attractive), the self hatred (I said to her so many times "why do you hate yourself so much", and she would always ask me "why do you hate me so much" which is projection as I'd always say "I Dont!", impulsive behaviours (sex -very promiscuous - alcohol and drugs), suicidal threats, and extremely unstable emotions (i've had to lock myself in a room before for fear of her attacking me).
In March this year she was moving to central London, and she had built this up as being a new start for us. I was really looking forward to it. We spent the weekend before she moved together and she told me how much she loved me. Then, 3 days later, completely out of the blue, she moved to London and ended it. She told me she'd never loved me, and that she'd been sleeping with a guy at work for the past 3 months.
And then that was it. I broke down. She started to HATE me. I was called insane. She threatened getting a restraining order against me. She then managed to get me to go to her new flat one night after the move, and when I arrived she was sat in the dark crying and listening to music. She started shouting at me about a female friend I'd had for years during the relationship, and I wasn't allowed to mention the guy at work she was sleeping with, or the guy she'd had a relationship with whilst travelling last year. Eventually she started to hit me, and I restrained her and shouted at her, and I eventually ended up breaking my hand on her bedroom door.
I have now been branded a violent abuser, psychopath, and sociopath. She is the victim. How DARE I do this to her! Everything is my fault. YOU DID THIS! You are EVIL! She even told me that the guy she had a relationship with behind my back whilst travelling was the one that got away, and that I was the worst thing that ever happened to HER! But it's all MY fault!
I was left crying on the floor with a broken hand, and her calling me pathetic, and me whimpering "this isn't who I am".
That was the last time I saw her. Which seems fitting.
Anyway, that is really just scraping the surface of what has been unquestionably the most agonising experience of my life. Overnight she went from "God I love you so much", to emotionless indifference. It broke me.
I am now having therapy and taking anti-depressants, but thanks to sites like this I am beginning to see the light that this person has a disorder, and no matter what I did, the ending would have been the same.
