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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: My update - a cautionary tale...  (Read 1106 times)
Lalathegreat
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« on: August 13, 2017, 03:30:42 PM »

Hello everyone, I have thought long and hard about posting any of this. And then I had to think long and hard about WHERE to post it. Since this is where I spent most of my time, and because my message might be most important for those in the "conflicted" place, I settled on here.

Most of you know that I left my ex after he put his fist through a wall and I felt threatened physically. We were NC for 2 weeks, LC for another 6 weeks and I worked hard to move forward and put the relationship behind me.

And seriously, that is where the relationship needed to stay. I am mortified to even type what comes next in light of what has transpired. But it's part of my story and something that I will need to accept and make peace with at some point.

July 11th I got a text. "My son misses you and has been quite sick. He still talks about you and wishes that he could see you. I am catching his cold as well and really could use a break. Would you pick him up tomorrow and spend a little time with him? I think it would be good for him to have some closure."

And I agreed. In fact, I was happy to have the chance to see his son. I needed the closure too! I wanted to have that conversation too! And as presented, I thought that my contact with expwBPD would be relatively minimal. We exchanged a handful of texts in which we finalized arrangements. I was under the impression that I would arrive early afternoon, his son would be ready for a trip to the park, and I would return him after treating him to MOD pizza.

When I arrived the next day I knew immediately that this was not going to go as planned. His son was still in pajamas, they were both cuddled on the couch watching a movie. I felt like an INTERLOPER. The explanation was that he had "lost track of time" and why don't I "join them for the final 30 minutes of the movie." His son was excited to see me. I came over and patted his knee in greeting: "Hey buddy, it's so good to see you." And that was all it took. "Why are you riling him up when we're sick and need to be calm? Why can't you see what we need and match your energy to the situation? Why can't you ever just be calm?" I sat next to him momentarily on the couch and made a very brief attempt to placate him, but it just continued. "You didn't even say HI to ME!" I stood up and as calmly as I could manage said: "It was a bit of a drive, I need to use the bathroom." As I got up he said "Get out."

This happened many times over the course of our relationship... .he would tell me to get out, but never actually MEANT get out. If I tried to leave he would always wind up. But this time I just didn't have any desire whatsoever to salvage the afternoon, the relationship, or his feelings. So I grabbed my shoes and purse and walked out the door. He followed. "Why are you leaving? I thought you wanted to take (son) out! I thought you cared about him, about me!" He wrapped me in a hug, the first that I didn't return. When he let go I continued to back away towards my car. I can't remember exactly what I said, something along the lines of "I'm so sorry, I know you aren't feeling well and I can tell that my energy is not what you need right now, I will text later." Then he got very angry. "You owe me $2000, I can't pay rent next month and it's YOUR fault I lost my job." (He lost his job in February when we were together, his position has always been that the stress of our relationship and MY expectations were what made him incapable of working.) I could feel the look cross my face as soon as he said that. I had gotten so good at maintaining complete calm, but I could tell that "What the heck" crossed my face before I could stop it. I tried to decide how to respond, I could not think of a thing. All I could think about was how horrible a mistake it had been to try to visit. I found myself wondering if he had "baited" me there so that he could strong arm me into giving him money for rent. At this point I was across the parking lot from the office and about 100 yards from my car. I turned around to walk to my car.

And that's all that I remember until after.

I have a vague memory of staring at my lap and noticing my leggings were soaked with blood. I remember looking up and realizing I was surrounded by 6 paramedics - all young 20-something boys who looked like they wanted to cry - I remember wondering why they looked so sad. I glanced around and realized I was at pwBPD's apartment complex, and then I realized that he must have attacked me. I don't have a cohesive narrative of the next 3 days. I remember being in an ambulance, in a CT machine, meeting an ER doc who put stitches in my face. I vaguely remember my ex husband showing up, but I can't remember anything about who called him. (Apparently one of the nurses phoned him at my request but I don't remember asking her to.)

I had an open fracture of my nose, 2 large "tears" on my face, a concussion, and lacerations of my scalp that required 100 stitches.

My ex was arrested and booked into jail on assault 2 DV. Bail was assigned at 150,000 - he does not have that, I am confident he will be there until this resolves.

I have an amazing victim advocate who works for the prosecutor, she has been wonderful about keeping me up to date and aware of all of the legal proceedings. She also put me in touch with the son's grandmother (Mom's Mom) who has been his caregiver since the event. She has been gracious and kind and I have visited him one time so that he understands I'm ok (he saw his Dad return to the apartment after the attack covered in my blood). It broke my heart - he wanted to apologize to me. "I'm so sorry about what happened, I didn't know he would do that because I never saw him hurt anybody else. He always feels bad after." I reassured him that it wasn't anything he needed to apologize or feel responsible about - I then made sure Grandmother knew what he had said. Her head dropped, he had apparently said something similar to a teacher at school. They have put him in counseling and are seeking full custody. I have struggled with my role - I never saw anything that crossed the line to abuse personally, I'm sure he was very careful about that. But I knew it wasn't a good situation. I wish that I had handled things differently. I wish I had handled ALL THE THINGS differently. And that's a tough burden to carry.

As for me - I have 2 large scars on my face. There is some facial paralysis either from muscle or nerve trauma and so my nose does not lift on one side when I smile or laugh causing assymetry. None of the doctors can tell me if this will be permanent, they seem to think it will improve somewhat but not return to 100% range of motion. There may or may not be some cosmetic procedures that could help with that depending. I've had one surgery to align the nasal bones, but I will likely need a rhinoplasty as there is still a significant "crook" and a septum repair because the scans show that my septum was completely crushed. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it has been devestating to be shocked each morning when I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I feel disfigured.

One of the things that I have learned how to do well is search the public records. After his arrest I found out there were EIGHT orders of protection against him. EIGHT. Reading the testimony of his son's Mom broke my heart. She was horribly abused. HORRIBLY abused. But she was also mentally ill and unable to care for her son and felt coerced into giving pwBPD primary custody. There are multiple things on file regarding his wife although the documents are sealed per a plea agreement. I can only imagine those would reveal similar abuse.

They are working on a plea. Unfortunately - because his first DV arrest was dismissed as part of a plea (counseling, the offense removed from his record upon completion and keeping his record clean for a period of time), this is technically his "first offense". He is facing 3-9 months, but there are some "aggravators" that could add time. I was asked by my advocate if I would testify if this goes to trial. The prosecutor is not willing to plead down much and I feel they are getting their ducks in a row. I told her that I would if they felt they could not present their case without me. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

So I guess my message would be this. PLEASE BE CAREFUL. If you suspect that your pwBPD could be capable of physical violence - trust that he/she IS. If you make it out, STAY OUT.

I've spent a lot of time debating whether my pwBPD even actually HAS BPD or if he's just a wretched person. Honestly, I really believe him to be BPD. The diagnosis explains too much. Unfortunately, I don't think it really matters. He's abusive as ___ to the women in his life and will continue to be. I cannot imagine the scenario in which he could ever accept responsibility for his actions to the extent that it would take him to make any REAL progress in any sort of recovery.

There might be more hope for some people. But BE CAREFUL. I think there can be a "point of no return" with this - it just progresses (or maybe some people are just more severely affected?) to a point where "recovery" is almost impossible.

I appreciate so much the help and counsel that I recieved from everyone here. I wish that my update were different. I wish all of you a much better outcome. I hope my experience can provide some clarity for those who might be worried about potential physical aggression progressing - someone who might be on the fence but afraid.

Take good care everyone, I may not be around as much but I'm sure will continue to check in occasionally when I feel that I can.
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2017, 03:57:40 PM »

Just wanted to say... .
Am listening.
Read your story.
So sad how this turned out.
Certainly I know the pain of missing a "step child" and wishing things would be different for myself and that child.

Maybe the silver lining is that the child gets placed in a safer enviornment as a result of this.  That seems absurd to even say, but just trying to find a way to wish the best for you and that child.

What hell to have gone through!
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2017, 04:06:16 PM »

LaLa,

I am so very sorry.    No one ever deserves to be abused.   No one ever sees abuse coming.    What I read was written by  someone who handled things with an amazing amount of composure, compassion and sensitivity.

I wish you only the best as you continue to heal.   


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« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2017, 05:15:23 PM »

Oh, Lala--I'd been wondering where you were and hoping everything was going well.  I am SO SORRY to hear all of this.  It makes me furious and I am so glad you made it out alive.  You're a survivor and it's brave of you to tell your story. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.
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« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2017, 05:39:44 PM »

LaLa, so terribly, terribly sorry to read about this….sitting here crying and I just can't imagine anything to say other than I'm so, so sorry.  I hope your healing continues, inside and out, and bless you for sharing this story because honestly many others here could potentially find themselves in similar circumstances.  thank you for your bravery in sharing this, and prayers and healing thoughts are with you.
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2017, 06:21:48 PM »

   

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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2017, 11:07:04 PM »

Lala, I haven't posted a lot lately, but I have followed your posts for the last year.  I'm really sad, and actually shocked he turned so violent in the end.  Your story is truly horrifying... .but I'm glad you made it out.  it was good of you to share this here.  Hopefully it will serve as a warning to others in situations with physically abusive pwBPD.
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« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2017, 08:02:59 AM »

I have followed your story from the beginning here. I am so sorry that this horrific attack happened to you.

You bear no responsibility for this. None. You got into a relationship that turned abusive, you tried to figure it out, then you ended it. You went back to see his son, then you were violently assaulted. I hope his son ends up in a better home, and I hope he goes to jail for a long time. I'm proud of how you have handled yourself throughout this, and I'm more sad than I can say that you were the victim of this monster.
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toomanydogs
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« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2017, 08:46:25 AM »

Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am grateful you're alive, but what a horrendous experience. My heart is with you.
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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2017, 09:44:50 AM »

Lala -  You have been on my mind so much.  I am truly heartbroken that this happened to you. I am so sorry that you had to endure this. 

You are a strong, amazing, loving woman.  My thoughts and prayers are with you during this and always.   
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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2017, 02:49:58 PM »

Hi Lala,

I read your story with an all consuming sense of horror. Nobody should have to go through that. What you experienced is truly horrifying and I wish you as full a recovery as possible. My heart goes out to you. Stay safe.

RF
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DaddyBear77
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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2017, 03:44:28 PM »

Lala,

I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you. I can barely find words to express this.

Your story will be read countless times on this site and I am confident it will be viewed with the intended purpose - a cautionary tale, a story about the worst of the worst.

This site, these boards, us, everyone here, we'll be here and we will stay here to help you and anyone else who might someday face what you did.

Your strength, your compassion, your love - it shines through this darkness and will shine here for a long long time.

~DaddyBear77
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« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2017, 06:00:24 PM »

Lala,
You seem incredibly strong and clear and that is telling about your courage and fortitude after going through something so horrendous.  I am so sorry this happened to you. It was only your good intentions about seeing his son that created an opportunity for this to occur.

My ex-husband was physically violent and I totally understand how this attack came completely out of the blue. You had no idea that this behavior was even in the realm of possibility.

Unfortunately, I think it's possible that your testimony might be necessary to secure a more meaningful sentence. I hope that is not the case, but it might turn out to be healing for you in the long run.

The counseling I received after leaving my first husband (the batterer) was incredibly helpful. His attacks had caused bruises in places  others wouldn't see and left a lot of psychological scars. Though you are so self-aware and brave, I hope you seek counseling with a wonderfully compassionate professional who can soothe any remaining fear and anxiety you might have.   

Cat
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« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2017, 09:20:22 PM »

I'm so sorry that you have been brutalized by this. Your woulds a heartbreaking to hear. Your spirit sounds strong. It's inspiring.
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« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2017, 09:33:56 PM »

Oh Lala,

That is horrible what you went through,  but I'm glad you're safe 

It's brave to post this.  It sounds like you did the right thing by leaving when your danger senses starting going off.  How to know he would follow much less attack you?

Excerpt
I'm so sorry about what happened, I didn't know he would do that because I never saw him hurt anybody else. He always feels bad after."

I wonder what his son meant by that? It seems contradictory... .

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« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2017, 12:15:12 AM »

I can't express how much comfort your words have brought me - thank you for listening to my story and letting me get that out of my head and heart somewhere that it might serve some purpose or at least be understood.

Cat - I've already decided that if they need me I will be there. I viscerally recoil at the thought, but I feel a moral obligation to make sure that a conviction sticks. In WA state, DV offenses "stack" to determine sentencing. If this were his second offense he'd be facing 12-18 (versus 3-9), and a 3rd offense can be counted as a third strike violent offense that would qualify him for a much longer sentence - potentially even life! I also want the felony conviction as it will make it much harder to fight the custody suit.

Turkish - I took what he said to mean that he had never seen his dad hurt anyone other than him, and that after he and his dad have had fights, his dad has always been sorry. Broke my heart to hear, but after what happened to me I wasn't terribly surprised.

  This is a wonderful group - I appreciate you!

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« Reply #16 on: August 15, 2017, 12:56:25 AM »

Ah. He sounds like a wise young man. It sucks growing up before it's time.   It would likely get worse as he got older.  Hopefully grandma succeeds on getting full custody. 
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« Reply #17 on: August 15, 2017, 01:33:59 AM »

This is absolutely chilling. You have such a sweet heart. I hope you are able to recover to the fullest extent. I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing this.
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« Reply #18 on: August 15, 2017, 03:19:55 AM »

I am so very sorry for you Lala . My heart goes out to you. Sending you healing thoughts . You will be in my prayers.
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« Reply #19 on: August 16, 2017, 02:42:33 PM »

I am appalled by this. I remember my mum telling me that in her community 70-100years ago - Scots gypsies - men would beat their wives to a pulp - and get 2 nights in jail plus a small fine. I thought the criminal justice system had moved on. Anything less than 5 years is a scandal.

It may be a lesson for all of us who have partners/ex partners with BPD - and a record of violence - never turn your back on an enraged pwBPD even if you are walking out of the house and  away to your car. I never turn my back on my wife when she is enraged, never. If an attack is coming - I like to be ready to defend and avoid.

My best wishes to you and hope you recover physically from this outrage.
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« Reply #20 on: August 16, 2017, 03:01:12 PM »

Sending you love, hugs, and the ability to heal.

Pedro xx
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« Reply #21 on: August 16, 2017, 04:40:48 PM »

Yes Mr. Right - don't turn your back EVER! Lesson learned... .

And I was appalled when I found out how quickly he would be out. That sentiment has been expressed several times from people who assume I mean 3-9 YEARS not 3-9 months. It's part of why I want this to stick, at least then he will have a multiplier if he does this again.

Thanks everyone for your support!
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« Reply #22 on: August 16, 2017, 08:59:12 PM »

I am so sorry you have had to endure this. Thank you for posting your story. So often I have been told that I am being paranoid and mine would never hurt me. Wrong he would and did. ITs not worth the risk of finding out just how badly. I am so amazed by your courage to pursue the toughest sentence. I should have charged mine but I didn't think anyone would believe me. So he has no record of any kind. I should have had your courage so that even if it was dismissed there was a paper trail for the next person he hurts. You are amazing and brave. Never doubt yourself. You are awesome. I hope your wounds heal and your heart finds peace and joy.   
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« Reply #23 on: August 16, 2017, 11:48:15 PM »

Thanks Hope2727 - I actually did not have much say in the matter. I got a phone call from the victim advocate when I was released from the hospital (the day after the attack) and asked if they could count on my cooperation because the prosecutor was planning to pursue my case. I took it as "We're doing this, are you helping?" It's interesting to me how this works and how different it can be from case to case. I'm not certain, but I believe this is probably because it was an assault 2 case with an "extent of injury" aggravator. Having said that - I have been as helpful as I could be under the circumstances and hope that I would have pursued the case if it HAD been more in my hands, but I can't know for sure. These relationships are so impossibly hard - and I have NOT always done the "courageous" thing. Thank you though for your words, there are moments when I swear the support of others is the only thing getting me through... .

Lala
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« Reply #24 on: August 17, 2017, 12:42:03 AM »

I think courageous is just enduring and surviving this to come out the other side and moving forward.
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« Reply #25 on: August 17, 2017, 09:43:20 AM »

Hey Lala, I'm so sorry to learn that you went through this horrific experience.  I admire your courage to share what happened and to assist in his prosecution.  You are a brave and strong person. 

LuckyJim
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« Reply #26 on: August 17, 2017, 09:55:23 AM »

I hear people say, "He (or she) would never hurt me!" And that's true, until they do.

I actually had someone tell me, in the midst of their pitt bull attacking my horses, that "He's a nice dog, he'd never hurt anybody." Well, that guy got an earful and fortunately my horses weren't hurt. I was really disappointed that my gelding missed the dog when he let loose a big kick. So I called Animal Control and my former neighbor, because he couldn't keep his dog from wandering in our rural area, re-homed his dog at his father's house.

Denial. We want to believe the best of our loved ones. And they want to think the best of themselves.

I can remember my former husband saying, "You made me do that... ." And the one time he showed up uninvited at my house after the divorce, he said, "I'm a nice guy." Yeah, on what planet is that?

A few years after I divorced him, I ran into him in town and he introduced me to his wife-to-be. A month or so afterwards, I read in the local paper that he was arrested for domestic violence after beating her. He never showed up for his arraignment and the two of them fled to Hawaii. For years he had an outstanding warrant in this state. He must have returned and taken care of it, as it's no longer on the Sheriff's website. I kept track. I figured if I ever would cross paths with him in our town, I was going to turn him in.

Cat forgives, but doesn't forget.
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« Reply #27 on: August 17, 2017, 10:15:07 PM »

Lala Ive been following your story. Im absolutely heartbroken to hear this. Im sending you all the healing and light I can send your way and hoping for a complete physical recovery and that you will find peace in your heart after taking time to heal and mend.

I dont know if this helps but I want to send some optimism your way and give you hope. I havent posted about this before but Ive been very accident prone this year and my rs with pwBPD is one of the main stress factors causing it. I was distracted and stuck my finger in a food processor earlier this year and pushed the power button at the same time. I was incredibly lucky to just get lacerations. Nobody forced me, pwBPD wasnt even in the house but I wasnt paying attention and my stress level was through the roof. I was told I would lose my fingernail and I might not regain feeling in my finger. I am still numb but the fingernail never fell off. I took really good and constant care of the wound and as everyone had told me it was 100% certain my nail would fall off I was worried about my appearance and how I would look to my students and clients at work. Im very grateful that I healed so well and I am still hoping for the nerves to heal so that my left index finger will allow me to type and do all the things like I used to.

I hope your wounds heal, that you will worry less about your scars (it matters to all of us) and that you take the best care of you that you possibly can 
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-- There is no love without forgiveness and no forgiveness without love--
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« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2017, 01:28:25 AM »

Lala,

I've read a lot of posts here. I've related to some. I've felt the confusion and frustration of others, but yours is the only one that made me cry.

I hope you heal in all ways. I hope you are safe at all times. I hope you know that we all care for you.

DH
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #29 on: August 21, 2017, 01:54:28 AM »

Dear Lala, count one more standing with you and sending love. 
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