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Author Topic: My update, struggling tonight...  (Read 423 times)
Lalathegreat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 301


« on: August 16, 2017, 11:57:15 PM »

Hi guys, I took a bit of a break from the boards and crap got really... .well - REAL. Here's a link to my post on the conflicted board for those who haven't seen it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=313497.0

Tonight I am struggling. I KNOW this isn't my fault. I KNOW this. At the same time, I cannot stop myself from combing over each and every second of that evening and trying to figure out how I could have done things differently. Hell, I'm combing over the past 6 months and trying to figure out how I could have done things differently! And worse - I do feel guilty. I keep thinking about him in jail - how depressed and hopeless he must be feeling especially now that he is standing to lose his son. BUT HE WAS SO ABUSIVE TO ME! And it's starting to come to light that he was to his son to some degree as well... .

WHY DO *I* FEEL GUILTY?

I'm sure he's absolutely convinced himself that everything that happened is MY fault. Because that was every second of our r/s after the honeymoon was over. And truth is, I can't stop thinking about all the opportunities that I had to leave the r/s before I did, and then all the times that I broke NC which allowed that whole situation to unfold in the first place.

I don't know how to let go of my sense of responsibility for everything that has happened. I don't know how to let go of feeling bad for HIM. I am angry at myself for not being able to emotionally put myself first and for continuing to hold myself accountable for HIS actions. I can't believe that part of me is sitting here thinking about how I will actually NEVER see him again now and feeling sad about it. What is WRONG with me?

Thoughts? HELP? Thanks as always for listening.

Lala
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babyducks
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2017, 04:51:03 AM »

Hi LaLa,

the P I was seeing told me once that trauma can be so intense, so overwhelming that it burns out some of our mental coping processes and spills over into other areas of our psyche.

I don't know what that means in the technical and complicated world of neuroplasticity and brain processing but it rang true for me.

when something particularly ~big~ happened in my r/s, it seemed to have echoes.  they would pop up at weird times and pop out in places that seemed to have nothing to do with the original event.    it kind of felt like I was still processing things, long afterwards.  like there were more emotions involved than I could handle in the first go around.

I think, for me,   I felt a sense of responsibility so I could also feel a sense of control.     If I was responsible in some way,   and if I done this differently or this better,   maybe just maybe I wouldn't have to gone through what I did.

It was hard for me to accept that so much of what happened was absolutely haphazard... .  like a car sliding on ice,... .we were just going to end up where the trajectory took us.   Weird.

It actually makes sense to me that you would feel sad about never seeing him again.   regardless of his side of the relationship,   your intentions, hopes, dreams  were deep and true.   It's hard to let go of the relationship we hoped we were having.   

how are you feeling today?

'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
hope2727
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1210



« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2017, 09:18:48 AM »

I was raised to make things right when I had done something wrong. I was also taught to turn the other cheek and love my enemies. So of course I feel guilty. If only's are the bane of my existence. If only I had or had not done whatever. The truth is its hopeless to be the only one trying to make things right or prevent something terrible from happening. Life is tough enough without one person consistently sabotaging a relationship. Nothing you did or didn't do could have changed who he is. Be kind and gentle with yourself. My psychologist pointed me to a website about abuse and it has helped me immensely. Its a bit of a large website with lots of info but much of it resonated with me and the research is evidence based. Maybe you can find some answers to your questions there. Hugs

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html
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donkey2016
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 88



« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2017, 07:35:21 PM »

Dear Lala,

I have been following your story and I also read about the terrible abuse he did to you. You seem so strong and good-hearted. Please don't feel ashamed or angry at yourself for missing the good moments and for feeling guilty. This is all part of how these abusive people with or without BPD makes us feel. I hope that you're starting to heal and that you have found someone like a psychologist that can really understand you.

I was so surprised and scared when reading what happened to you. I didn't see it coming. He seemed a bit unbalanced but not violent.  How can we ever know? Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being so courageous. This will help other people - like me - being more careful.  You also helped his son - maybe saved his life.



D.
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Jami

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 41


« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2017, 05:12:23 PM »

Hi Lala,

tonight i read your post (the cautioning tale) and wish to tell you how sorry i am about what you had to experience. Though reading your words caused my heart to weep, i was also touched by your strength and poise. I hope that your recovery will be smooth and wish you to get better soon, inside-out!

Your story ignited a desire to know what has come before, so i went through some of your older posts. This one here i can much relate to: similar compassionate feelings about my xBPD puzzle me as well.

A friend of mine, who is a psychologist, introduced me to projective identification when learning about the dark secrets of my relationship. I believe it to have played a significant role. Quick Wickipedia:

Projective identification is a term introduced by Melanie Klein to describe the process whereby in a close relationship, as between mother and child, lovers, or therapist and patient, parts of the self may in unconscious fantasy be thought of as being forced into the other person.

While based on Freud's concept of psychological projection, projective identification represents a step beyond. In R.D. Laing's words, "The one person does not use the other merely as a hook to hang projections on. He/she strives to find in the other, or to induce the other to become, the very embodiment of projection". Feelings which can not be consciously accessed are defensively projected into another person in order to evoke the thoughts or feelings projected.

Projective identification may be used as a type of defense, a means of communicating, a primitive form of relationship, or a route to psychological change; used for ridding the self of unwanted parts or for controlling the other's body and mind.


I found this very useful to make sense of emotional states that were otherwise foreign to me (like a pervasive sense of anxiety, childish clinginess or unexplainable panic-attacks). Though generally being able to process emotions with relative clarity and constructiveness, during the r/s i found myself more that once struggling to make sense of them. At times they were so deprived of logic and/or of any identifiable trigger that i thought i had regressed to my 20yo's psyche.

With the help of my friend's assessments i begun to realise that i had probably become a recipient for my pwBPD's projections. He was subconsciously "using me" to contain his unacceptable, unbearable emotions. Just as an infant would do with his mother, he was relying on me to process them for him.

But this is just a part of the explanation, it gets even more twisted than that: i now feel sorry for having subtracted myself as a container for him, and worry about him being all alone with his terrible emotions. Will he harm himself? Is he feeling lost and helpless?

After enduring the roller-coaster in all its shapes and flavours and ultimately becoming the BPD-rage target, compassion is hardly explainable. Pathological altruism? Codependency? I am searching for answers, and set myself on a process that, i believe, will reveal many precious stones hidden in the depth.

Hope this helps and send you a 

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