All I know is that I love her... and she no longer wants me

[Nero.]

Hello everyone. I was reading this forum after recent events that happend in my life and finally i found courage to write my own story. I apologise in advance for my english. It's not my 1st language so some parts may be hard to understand.

This entire story is about relationship I had with my, now ex, girlfriend. I'm 28, she's 26.

It all happend 12 years ago. We went on a "blind date" after friend of mine gave me Her phone. After that we saw each other couple of times for coffee or beer. Overall nothing unusual for couple of highschool teenagers. We spend next 2 years being in closer and closer (we even had a one night stand with each other) and I was slowly falling in love... .After those 2 years I told Her about my feelings but Her reply was, that She's not ready to be in relationship at all. I understood it, after all  we were young, both attractive people and even tho I was sure about my love I could understand that at such a young age it wouldn't work. So I told her that I can't blame her or be mad - it's her decision and that's fine. But at the same time I had to move on. For my own sake. I was in love and I couldn't force myself to be her friend. So we went our separate ways... .

... .Six months later after finishing highschool I got myself into good college, and things were going okey. I still thought about her and my feeling were still very much present. But I decided that for now I wan't to focus on school and if I ever want too meet her again I'll have to show her that I achieved something in life.

But to my surprise after couple more weeks (so after around 7 months of no contact) she wrote to me on facebook asking, if I would like to grab a drink someday.
At first I didn't want to go. I was still deeply in love and I was afraid that she's feels about me in the same way she did before - as a friend. At the same time I really missed her so I broke and decided that "hell... .at least I will see her for the last time".
We went for a drink, catching up about life, school etc. She also got herself into college and things were going nice. After couple hours I offered to drive her home (I don't drink alcohol at all)  but since we've talked about how mine and my moms (at the time I lived with my mother - my dad left when I was 15) house was refurnished we decided to stop by at our place because she wanted to see it for herself. My mom was on holidays so it was all good. We stopped by aaaaand... .Ended up sleeping together. Also I should mention that I noticed that she lost bunch of weight. She always looked great but at that time she looked on the edge of still looking good and dangerous... .
After that everything changed. We started dating, seeing each other every couple of days and... .Yeah... .We were slowly becoming a couple. I could not belive how lucky I was. Girl of my dreams was finally giving us a chance!
But then bad thing started to happen... .She told be about weight loss that happend and about drinking problem she had. Slowly she bacame anorexic. We spend 2 years together going from one hospital to another fighting for her and trying to work things out together. I was with her that entire time. Finally after all that struggle she was doing much better. She bacame vegetarian but at least she had good diet, gaining weight, looking better and better.
But tough times were far from over... .She started cutting herself. I would go to her and saw her arms and legs covered in blood. She would use broken bottles or jars to harm herself. It would be returning theme for the next years. After a while of trying to help her alone (Her friend are... .Well they care about her until something happens. When she was really in trouble I was with her alone. Noone else took care. Even her parents) but finally I pushed her into seeking professional help. So she started therapy. Firstly individual, and then group therapy. I was with her that all time. Taking her to sessions, taking care about her and comforting her after those "attacks" of self mutilation. And it was not all bad. After 3 years of being together she told me she loves me. In between all those troubles we were great together. We both love animals so she got herself two cats and was/is crazy about them. My dog I had at the time was also great because taking care of him was distraction. Sex was awesome and overall... .We really were great couple. At the top of that she and my mom were really great together. Like two women  that've been through a lot.
Little did we knew... .On the group therapy she met couple of people and was finally diagnosed as a person with Borderline. It was confirmed by two doctors so at least we knew what we were dealing with.

On the therapy she met some people. She would sometimes hang out with them. One time on of her guy friends from therapy asked her for a coffee to his house. She had no reason not to trust his intentions as she've been with him 1 on 1 and he never showed who he really was... .She went for a coffee and... .I don't want to go into details cause that may cause me crying... .He raped her.

She told me this another day. She was crying, I was crying. We both were devastated. She was afraid to tell anyone else but I convinced her to tell her parents, go to psychologist and I told her that from what I understand woman that are going through being raped often feel "unclean", damaged and I didn't want her to feel this way. For me she was strong, amazing, perfect. And that I love her and I don't want to lose her. We were slowly getting better and better after couple of months. We decided that we will not pretend it didn't happen but we won't allow it to break us. She was so strong... .I was loving her even more.

Another year passed by, she was still going to therapy but this time it was just individual. She didn't cut herself in over a year and it looked like things were going okey.
Last year (2016) I moved out, got apartment and we both decided that we would like to live together. Her dad owns small company that delt with some renovations and I took loan from my friend to buy some furniture. Those renovations that her dad did were also not free. I had deal with him that I'm going to pay him back after couple of months. Problems started when we both realised that we don't have enough time for each other. I was working full time job at the same time I was working on my portfolio because I wanted to find better job. Add that to the loan I had and I really was stretching to make some time for "us". She also found her first job and after being mad at me about not having time before, she finally realised how it is to work full time. I also asked her to postpone moving in together for a while as I couldn't afford to live with her until I pay back at least some of my debts. She waited till the end of the year until she told me that she's no longer happy with me... .She loves me but she's miserable in our relationship. I was shocked... .I mean I knew that things were not going as smoothly as planned but after all we've been through I thought that just asking for some time to gather some money was nothing wrong. But she insisted that she loves me soo much and yet she's no longer happy.
We went together to her therapist I tried to spend more time with her but nothing worked... .In december, day before my birthday we talked. And we both decided that we still want to be together and we love each other. At the same time we decided that we need to take a break. Not to break up but to fucus 100% on job/money etc.
We both decided that we would see each other once a while but we need this time for ourselfs.
It was tought decision but at the time we both felt it's the right one.

So that's what I did. I focused on my job, I started repaying some debts I took. I finished my portfolio and started to send CVs looking for better job etc. In the meantime she stopped responding to my calls. I wrote to her on Christmas - nothing, New Years Eve - nothing, Her - B-Day - nothing. I thought - Well maybe she's doing same thing as I do - Focusing on job etc. and she needs space for that. So I waited till March and finally called her. It was long, tough call. She was crying so was I. It was starting to be obvious for me that "taking a break" was becoming a breakup. But I told Her that I still love her and I know she loves me... .She didn't want to see me yet so I decided on the same thing I did all those years ago when I was starting college. If I want to have her back I need to prove her I'm still worthy of her love.
To my surprise I've quit a job I hated and I foud the job of my dreams. I payed my debts entirely and finally I did what we talked about in december. So I called her and I asked her to meet me. She said ok and we've met. It was 01/06/2017 - Almost seven months since we last time saw each other.

From the get go I knew somethings changed. She was nervous and distant. She appread not as the same sweet, open girl she was before (and not just to me- she was always sweet and open for people). Instead she was cold, angry, calculated. She told me it's over for her. That she's happy for me and my new job but that's it. We will never be together again because she moved on.
I couldn't belive it... .I burst into tears. I didn't and sill don't understand. I wen't home but coudn't sit still so later that evening I drove up the her place and we talked more... .She said that it's not about anyone else because she's not seeing anyone. She still have the same job she hated, overall it seemed like I spend those 7 months doing what we promised. Finding better job, paying debts, improving life while she spend this time... .moving on.
So yet again she told me that we will never be together again. She still have feelings for me but she's to afraid of being hurt again to alow herself to even consider us back together.

I wen't back home and drunk myself till I passed out... .It was the first time I've drank alcohol in almost 10 years.

2 weeks later my best friend offered himself to talk to her. They've met and he had the same impression. She was cold, distant, without emotions or emphaty. She was like completely different person. She didn't know that I knew about their meeting so she told my friend that she doesn't rule out possibility that maaaaaaybe, years from now, she could consider us being together again but right not it's not an option. She said that she's greatfull for the things I did for her but she moved on and don't want to see me. And she repeated that it's not because of another guy because she's single now.

Another 2 weeks passed and I decided I'm going to write her a letter. But since I can draw rather well, and she always loved those simple Simon's Cat cartoon I drew her a little book ilustraded in the similar style. In the book there was quick recap of our relationship and and the end I asked her not to cross me over because we could be still be happy together... .

... .Later that day I found out on facebook that she has a boyfriend. It was without a doubt, the worst day of my life. I called her and asked her about him... .She was angry. Reaaaaly angry. She said she's happy with him, she said that we will never be together and I should move on. She don't want to see or hear from me again.

I started crying... .I just said I love her and I hope that she's going to be happy.


It was the last time I heard from her. It was over a month ago.
Every second of every day I think about her. I can't stop asking myself "what the hell happend?". How she moved on so quickly? Why she didn't even gave us a chance? We were MADLY in love. Even when we decided to take a break we both said that we still really, REALLY love each other... .And now... .Now she's saying that we will never be together again. And she's with someone else.

Also how she changed... .She fought really hard NOT to be 'ice queen' anymore. She was so happy, sweet and carrying and now... .Cold, angry, distant. Not only towards me but also my friend.

I'm in no contact phase now. But I do wan't to fight for her. I love her. I love her soo much. Is there any chance that we could still be together?

Sorry for this long and clumsy post but I'm not okey... .I need help. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I love her... .and she no longer wants me. Not now, not ever.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi TonyA(PL), 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can tell that you really loved her a lot from your post, you did a lot for her, many of us here have too and many us can also relate with how heartbreaking it when that change happens, our pwBPD become indifferent, we become invisible to them, our voices don't carry any weight.

You're in the right place, you'll see that you can relate with the posts from other members on the board. It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder. It will help you with normalizing the behavior, there's a reason why your ex acted the way that she did, it will also help you with depersonalizing the behaviors, what a pwBPD go through is not personal to us, here's an article that helped me, I hope that it helps you. Hang in there.

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

PS You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board   ------------------>

PSS We have a 10 part series on the 10 beliefs, here's part 1 POLL: Belief 1: Were they the Key to Your Happiness?

[Rayban]

You are a great person and deserve so much more. Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life  hoping she will change? ... .she won't.  At best you'll be a caretaker to her. Bailing her out of trouble. I know this is difficult for you to hear, but time will allow you to realize this on your own. I thought that if I tried harder, made changes to appease her, she would be that sweet soul I met in the beginning. It took me multiple breakups and recycles for me to realize that staying and trying would cost my life. 

Seek the help of a good therapist, work through the workshops on this board is what is best for you at this point.  It is very likely that she will contact you again when she is bored with her current relationship only for her to vanish again.

[Nero.]

Thank You for reply. I really need all the advice I can get.

It boggles my mind, how she was able to move on so quickly? Also I don't understand her approach to my friend. I mean, if she didn't want to confront me - fine. I get it. It might be to painfull or whatever. But she had perfect opportunity when my friend met her. She could told him that she's seeing someone else and that she's done with me once and for all. Instead she told him that it's not about some other guy and that she still considers us being together after couple of years. It would be better than finding out about her new relationship via facebook.

I understand that relationship is over. I did what I could to save it and it's her decision not to give it another chance. But please, honestly... .Do you guys think that she'll ever reach out to me again? Or should I accept that I'll never hear from her again?

[Enabler]

Hi TonyA,

As you will hopefully understand having done some research into BPD you will realise that BPD is a very complex disorder with many many nuances and variables. Your SO is still an individual with free thought even if their behaviours have commonality with many other BPD sufferers. So... .no one has a crystal ball and no one will be able to tell you whether or not she will come back to you at some point in the future. From what you have said in your posts you're a "nice boy", good rescuer. I am sure that your ex has identified this. So, back to your 2 concerns, will she come back and why would she not be open and honest with your friend.

Will she come back:
- If she comes back it is probably for one of 2 reasons, it went badly with new guy and she's coming back to the safety of you, she realises you were better suited her needs and she needs rescuing again.
- I think you should be asking yourself whether or not you want a life filled with drama and crisis, will you reach a point in your life where you feel drained and exhausted by the one way nature of the relationship where all your practical, emotional and monetary resources go towards maintaining another physically able yet emotionally defunct individual. Can you bring children into the equation knowing that there could be serious chaos in your relationship and likely serious chaos between her and the kids?
- Although it may not feel like it the entire time, ask yourself whether or not it was a partnership (mutually sharing of resources by 2 healthy adults whom brought different positives and negatives to the relationship for mutual benefit) or a symbiotic relationship (typically a relationship where one dominant creature gains something from a lesser creature offering up scraps to keep them happy) or a parasitic relationship (where one creature extracts the goodness from another often rendering them dead or disabled). A marriage should be a partnership, it may not be equal all the time but if you are giving to her with the expectation that when the chips are down you can withdraw from the bank, you maybe disappointed with someone suffering from BPD.

Why was she not honest with my friend?
- Think of BPD as an allergy to Guilt and Shame. She will likely do anything and everything to avoid the painful negative feelings of guilt and shame. This could include lying, projection, blame shifting, denial, blocking out the truth or just plain inventing a whole new reality with which she resides perfectly innocently in. She is likely to believe this reality on some level and will react accordingly. This is how she could be so cold and deceptive towards your friend. As you say she had every opportunity to be truthful and allow the information about her moving on to get back to you... .but the transaction between her and your friend was nothing to do with you, it was all about her feelings and emotions, she had to avoid her own personal guilt and shame and that took priority over any compassion she might have had towards you about you knowing the truth so you could move on with your life and get some closure.
- On a small side topic and I am likely to sound very controversial here but my uBPDw also claimed that she was raped by a guy on holiday just before we met. When I discussed it with her it felt very much like she was consensual at the beginning albeit drunk and then decided half way through that she wasn't. I'm not saying one way or another that your ex was/wasn't raped by the guy from her therapy group... .but in my experience my uBPDw will claim anything to avoid the pain or guilt and shame if she latter regrets her behaviour and that would go as far as claiming a criminal act by someone else. I don't know if you have seen these rules before but I think they make for an interesting framework with which to think about BPD:

www.anythingtostopthepain.com/20-rules-for-understanding-BPD/

Rule 15: I would never hurt me or anyone else. Therefore, if that occurs, it means someone other than me did it.

Good luck pal in your recovery, decide what you want, you are young and haven't brought any little people into the chaos yet, you have time and choices, treasure these as opportunities and don't wish for something back just because it's what you've known for so long.   

[Nero.]

Thank You Enabler - I really, REALLY appreciate You taking time to read my post and reply.

Apart from seeking help by talking to friends and family and writing about it here, I'm also having this "internal dialogue" - In which one part of my is all messed up after all that happened. Another part is trying to look at all this with better clarity.
So yes, I see that our relationship was filled with drama, pain, fear etc. And of course there were great, awesome moments between us but for a young people that we are it was too much. 30 year long marriages are often less complex and exhausting than what we've been through. Cutting herself, anorexia, alcohol, therapy, rape etc. All that in 6 years.
And yes... .Even when we were together I was guilty of thinking that "Oh boy... .I wonder how amazing it would be to be with her but without all that baggage", Especially when I was looking around seeing couples in our age that were arguing about some mundane stuff. At the same time I was for ex. worried that she'll take one pill to many of xanax or that she'll cut herself. It was hard... .Yes.

But at the same time being with her and watching how she changed, how she's becoming better was best reward and that gave me strenght to keep going. And that's why I'm... .well... .surprised about what happend.
There is anger, huge amount of pain etc. but aprart from this I just don't undestand... .It makes not sense.
I mean even egocentric person would not burn all the bridges "just in case I need something afterwards". But she just... .destroyed everything. She lied/ignored my friend, my mom etc. It doesn't make any sense. If she wanted me gone from her life she could just say so. Why tell my friend that "Maaaaybe in couple of years etc. etc" or why hide the fact that she's with another man?

As for me wanting her back... .I don't know. I don't know what I would do If I saw her again. Right now I'm a mess. I can't stop thinking about her. I love her soo much. So I'm divided... .One one hand I want her new relationship to break because I want her back... .And at the same time I want her to feel pain. Because maybe then she'll realise what she did. I know... .I'm an ass

[Enabler]

No, you are not at all and I have exactly the same feels regarding my 20yr relationship and 16yr marriage. You are not alone at all in your desires to get your SO to come back to you and among other things is hopefully an indication of how seriously YOU took the commitment to her. You have to remember it's all about her feelings and emotions and ALWAYS has been especially when she's emotionally dysregulated. I suggest you cease judging her with the same yard stick and expectations of emotional reactions and sensitivity as other people in your life. Who knows but guessing based on what I have read and experienced, she does care and she does feel your pain... .BUT HER FEELINGS TRUMP YOURS ALL DAY LONG, with such ferocity that yours are practically insignificant to her. A book I read describes her pain as like being on fire, and SHE WILL run over you to get to the lake to extinguish the flames.

[Nero.]

You are right.

I just can't belive that we'll never be together again. All those memories, all we've been through. And now there's nothing but pain while she moved on with another guy.

Also... .I broke. I was doing that "no contact" thing since I last saw her (31/07). But I saw photo on facebook that was posted by this guy. It was from holidays with her. So I wrote an email. It was not an "angry" email with shouting and complains etc. I didn't even mentioned that the photo was catalyst. I just asked her for some answers. Why she didn't gave chance? And I asked her to finally finish this. If it's all over and there is no hope - I would like to "hear" it from her. Either close the door completely or not. But don't leave them half open. I need that closure.

And yes, I know that by breaking 'no contact' I jeopardised any chance of winning her back. I know I'm stupid by looking at her facebook. But maybe her reply, and saying that yes- it is over once and for all - will give me some peace.

I will allow myself to post her reply here since it's the only place I've got right now where people understand how it is... .

[Rayban]

BPD is at its base an attachment disorder.  This means that for her, the fact that you remain available or attached despite the hell she has and will continue to put you through is comforting to HER.

She knows she could date other men, have sex with them and you would still take her back, when SHE wants and on HER terms. Please take care of yourself.  I know you love her, and would do anything to get her back. Learn the most you can on BPD and what loving one entails. I wish you the best of luck.

[once removed]

hi Tony, and

yours is a heartbreaking story. it reminded me a lot of my own. my ex and i took a lot of time apart (not deliberately) toward the end of the relationship. at a certain point i felt refreshed, and i wanted to reinvest in the relationship. she had begun to move on.

do i have it right that you spent seven months apart? thats a significant amount of time. in our article on Surviving a breakup (that   Mutt shared with you) it talks about how the often mistaken belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Absence may make the heart grow fonder when a relationship is healthy – but this is often not the case when the relationship is breaking down. People with BPD traits often have "object permanence" issues – “out of sight is out of mind”. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six. Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the “BPD” partner (as described in #4). Absence generally makes the heart grow colder.

And yes, I know that by breaking 'no contact' I jeopardised any chance of winning her back. I know I'm stupid by looking at her facebook. But maybe her reply, and saying that yes- it is over once and for all - will give me some peace.

if you want to rekindle the relationship, or give it the best shot you can, it would be better to post on the Saving board. let me know, and i can move your post.

[Fie]

Hello TonyA(PL) 

I read your story and I understand you.
You are not alone. You have people here who will help you guide through your difficult moments.
I encourage you to read 'the journey from abandonment to healing'. I personally got a lot out of it.

And no, you are not an ***hole. You are simply human.
It is time now to be kind to yourself.

 

[Nero.]

Thank You all. Really. After today I'm a real mess... .That photo from their holidays. It hit me hard.
It's about those little details. When I see something in my house that reminds me of her I can't escape those thoughts. I know that she has house filled with stuff she got from me. I gave her TV, Microwave, tablet, stationary bicycle etc. You know... .Stuff that she needed/wanted etc. It's just... .Unbelivable for me that she doesn't have those thoughts... .No nostalgia, no nothing. She just... .well... .Went for holidays with her new boyfriend. After 12 years of knowing someone... .How is that even possible? For the first couple of years when we were still in highschool she was this "ice queen". Not allowing herself to take off her mask of independent, strong woman. After all those years of being together she became sweet, carying and thoughtful person... .So it's almost like she went back in time and became "ice queen" all over again.

do i have it right that you spent seven months apart? thats a significant amount of time.

Yes, we did spend 7 months apart. But it was not intentional from my part. We took a break o 3rd of December. I wrote to her on Christmas, valentine's day (it's also her b-day) and she didn't reply. Finally I called her in March and after long talk she told me that she still loves me but she don't want to see me. So like I wrote before... .I waited thinking that she just needs time to work on herself. Instead... .She was working on moving on away from me.

About moving topic. Please don't for now. I love her. I love her so much... .But I think... .I think I'll never be with her again. Because she doesn't want me anymore. And I'm afraid she'll never will.

[Rayban]

I'm just curious, what does your mom, who seemed to be close to her think about all this?

[Mutt]

I love her so much... .But I think... .I think I'll never be with her again. Because she doesn't want me anymore. And I'm afraid she'll never will.

How long have they been together that you know of? Is it possible that she's in a rebound r/s? I'm not trying to convince you one way or the other, I'm just trying to see all of the angles.

[Nero.]

I'm just curious, what does your mom, who seemed to be close to her think about all this?

When we first talked (me and my ex) at the end of the June and I told my mom afterwards that she don't want to see me anymore my mom started crying. She knew that I love my ex and she thought that it's maybe because of fear or being hurt. My mom was abandoned by her first husband when my older sister was 5 years old. Then he was with my father and in 2004 she found out that my dad was having an affair. So she was always very protective of me and my sister but at the same time she was soo happy and proud that I've found and took care of my ex. That I'm not like my father. Anyway... .Because all of that she was trying to convince me that maybe not everything is lost. Maybe there is still a chance... .But after she found out that my ex got herself a new boyfriend she wrote an email to her. She wrote that she understands her fear and she understand how difficult life was for her. So she's here for her and she still hopes that me and her (my ex) could work things out despite her new relationship.

My mom didn't tell me about that message at first. She was afraid that I would be mad or whatever. But I was touched how much she cared not only about me, but also about my ex. The problem is... .Like I wrote before. My ex didn't even reply for this mail. Not even "thank You but I've moved on". Nothing.
So afterwards my moms attitude changed. She started seeing things that both me and her couldn't see before. Her experience after two failed marriages is helping in that. She's now trying to convince me to move on. Explain to me that the girl I loved is no longer here. That my ex build a wall around her and there is no way I could break it. She's also almost 100% convinced that my ex's new relationship wont last long. But at the same time she's worried that afterwards my ex might come back to me... .And if that happens. I should turn around and do not let her near me anymore.

How long have they been together that you know of? Is it possible that she's in a rebound r/s? I'm not trying to convince you one way or the other, I'm just trying to see all of the angles.

From what I know, he was hitting on her for at least couple of months. But they are together since the middle of July. He's also a friend of my ex's best friends boyfriend. About it being rebound r/s. Like I said above... .My mom, my best friend (the one that talked to my ex), my other friends - everyone is almost convinced that this relationship won't last. I'm not so sure... .I hope so but all I can picture in my head is them, together, having a family, getting old etc.

[Mutt]

From what I know, he was hitting on her for at least couple of months. But they are together since the middle of July. He's also a friend of my ex's best friends boyfriend. About it being rebound r/s. Like I said above... .My mom, my best friend (the one that talked to my ex), my other friends - everyone is almost convinced that this relationship won't last. I'm not so sure... .I hope so but all I can picture in my head is them, together, having a family, getting old etc.

A r/s doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to settle down with that person and start a family, can you see how that would be the worst case scenario? How likely is that going to happen?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi TonyA(PL),

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you and saying that I'm sorry to hear the pain in your posts.  We can relate to that here, so you're in good company and I'm glad that you found us.

I hope so but all I can picture in my head is them, together, having a family, getting old etc.

Would you say that part of the reason you're having this torturous thought is because that is what you pictured having with her in your future together?  I can honestly say that at one point in my r/s with my ex I actually did visualise this with him and it was the first time I was able to see a future like that for myself.  It hurts to have that taken away. 

If she were to come out of the relationship, how would you feel and what would you hope would happen?

Love and light x

[Nero.]

A r/s doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to settle down with that person and start a family, can you see how that would be the worst case scenario? How likely is that going to happen?

I don't know Mutt. Of course I would like to belive that they will eventually break up. And that it's not "for life" but temporary. But at the same time for every time I'm trying to reason with myself I have these thoughts... .What If she'll be stubborn and won't decide to break it even if she'll be no longer happy? What if she IS happy? (and judging by them going on holidays together it's safe to say that she probably is ) What if I was there during all those troubles with her Borderline, cutting, anorexia ect. won't come back... .And now, when she's healthy (ish) this other guy gets to enjoy it. I was there when she needed me, once she got better I'm no longer relevant.
I'm just soo terrified that they going to be together for the next years to come... .Those thoughts are breaking my heart all over again. Even tho I know that despite all this... .I should just move on. Stop thinking about getting her back because she clearly doesn't care about me. I'm just to weak and to stupid to do that... .And I still love her.

Would you say that part of the reason you're having this torturous thought is because that is what you pictured having with her in your future together?  I can honestly say that at one point in my r/s with my ex I actually did visualise this with him and it was the first time I was able to see a future like that for myself.  It hurts to have that taken away. 

If she were to come out of the relationship, how would you feel and what would you hope would happen?

Love and light x

Thank You for the welcome.
Sure, of course. The sole reason why I wanted to take time for myself was to improve myself. Try to get new job. Pay my debts etc. so we could live together and be happier. I even wrote down things she said, that made her unhappy and step by step I was crossing them over as time went by. I spend those 7 months improving all those aspects. So yeah... .I see those photos from their holidays. I think about them being together I all I can thing about is "It should be me. Why did she cross me over?"
I don't know what I would do If she would come out of this relationship. I think it's more about what she would or wouldn't do. Like I said... .I did everything I could to make her at least consider us getting back together and yet she clearly said that it's not going to happen (well, not that clearly since she told my friend that "maaaaybe, some day I would consider getting back together with him". As for me... .The damage is done. I can't forget what she did. How easy it was to cross me over. How she ignored me, my mother and how she lied. So clearly I should move on regardless of her status... .But I known her for the past 12 years. I've been in love for 10. And I still do... .Soo much.

So... .I don't know what I would do. But if she would reach out to me? I wish I could find out. But that's not going to happen. I'm dead to her. She no longer needs me. She no longer loves me. And she's happy with her new boyfriend who is apparently better then I ever was... .

[Mutt]

I don't know Mutt. Of course I would like to belive that they will eventually break up. And that it's not "for life" but temporary. But at the same time for every time I'm trying to reason with myself I have these thoughts... .

A lot of the members here can relate with these thoughts. Challenge your thoughts by writing them down and looking at your thoughts on paper, are these thoughts realistic? With your thought jotted down think what's the opposite of this thought? What's more realistic than this thought?

[Nero.]

So quick update. The massage I send her on wednesday - She ignored me completely. I didn't recieved any reply. So I just wrote her today that I take her silence as statement that I'll never get answers for my questions and whatever she felt is apparently replaced with anger and iritation. As goodbye I just wrote that I love her. I know... .It's pathetic and pointless.
So the "no contact" rule I should be using is used by Her against me. But it's no surprise that She's stronger than me. Overall... .I'm the one still loving, missing Her and She already moved on with another guy.

I feel terrible... .I miss her.

A lot of the members here can relate with these thoughts. Challenge your thoughts by writing them down and looking at your thoughts on paper, are these thoughts realistic? With your thought jotted down think what's the opposite of this thought? What's more realistic than this thought?

I did what You said. I wrote down things that are going through my mind. Some of them I can at least try to rationalise but I can't help but feel this paralyzing fear... .Fear that She and him will go back from holidays, the are going to be happy, well rested etc. Next month Her friend is getting married so there's going to be a party, lot's of stuff to do. And then usual stuff... .So day by day, month after month she'll be happier with her relationship with this guy and... .And yeah... .She'll put all those terrible thing that happend in previous years behind her including our relationship and I'll never see her again.

I just can't live knowing that there is NOTHING I can do. She simply moved on. And so should I. But the one and only f*cking problem is... .I don't want to move on. I wan't just one chance... .Once chance for us together.

[Mutt]

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing, if you keep trying it will push her further away. Let's look at this from her perspective, her non response is probably because facing someone that she hurt will trigger feelings shame. You could take this as an opportunity to do self work.

[Rayban]

As for me... .The damage is done. I can't forget what she did. How easy it was to cross me over. How she ignored me, my mother and how she lied. So clearly I should move on regardless of her status... .But I known her for the past 12 years. I've been in love for 10. And I still do... .Soo much     

You have to give yourself some time. For now, you are still in the FOG. You are blinded by your love for her to the point that you disrespect yourself hy wanting to be with a woman that has created so much damage in your life, and will continue to if you let her back in.

Right now you are showing her that the life she has with another man is more important then your own. Nothing good will come from following them and wondering if they are happy.  Pictures don't tell the full story.  Remember you are dealing with a diagnost BPD. It is impossible that her current man is not suffering.

If you want to get her back you have to take actions to better yourself.  She won't want you if you keep sending her messages professing your love and how much you're hurting.  You're just feeding the beast. Trust me give her space, go NC, take care of yourself both physically and mentally and she will be knocking on your door,  cause then she will fear losing you. Who knows at that point you'll be out of the love fog, enough to see that YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Early on after the breakup with my ex I was like you. My answer to people who were trying to make me understand that I was lucky to escape a life of misery was, "but I love her". Love won't make raising children with a mentally ill person any easier. It won't stop her from seeking the attention of other men. It won't cure her. Transfer that love to yourself.

With time you will accept that you deserve better   She isn't your problem anymore  You enjoy being a caretaker? Find someone who is capable of reciprocating love. You're BPD ex cannot.

[Nero.]

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing, if you keep trying it will push her further away. Let's look at this from her perspective, her non response is probably because facing someone that she hurt will trigger feelings shame. You could take this as an opportunity to do self work.

Well right now I don't have a choice so yes. You are right. I have to focus on myself. I think that she'll never reach out to me again... .
For now, I'll allow myself to be honest in front of my family and friends but on the outside I have to keep my head up. Maybe in time that "fake strength" will become reality.

You have to give yourself some time. For now, you are still in the FOG. You are blinded by your love for her to the point that you disrespect yourself hy wanting to be with a woman that has created so much damage in your life, and will continue to if you let her back in.

Right now you are showing her that the life she has with another man is more important then your own. Nothing good will come from following them and wondering if they are happy.  Pictures don't tell the full story.  Remember you are dealing with a diagnost BPD. It is impossible that her current man is not suffering.

If you want to get her back you have to take actions to better yourself.  She won't want you if you keep sending her messages professing your love and how much you're hurting.  You're just feeding the beast. Trust me give her space, go NC, take care of yourself both physically and mentally and she will be knocking on your door,  cause then she will fear losing you. Who knows at that point you'll be out of the love fog, enough to see that YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Early on after the breakup with my ex I was like you. My answer to people who were trying to make me understand that I was lucky to escape a life of misery was, "but I love her". Love won't make raising children with a mentally ill person any easier. It won't stop her from seeking the attention of other men. It won't cure her. Transfer that love to yourself.

With time you will accept that you deserve better   She isn't your problem anymore  You enjoy being a caretaker? Find someone who is capable of reciprocating love. You're BPD ex cannot.

Thank You. What You wrote really helped. The message I send her is the last one. I did more then I should to save this relationship. She did nothing. If I ever want to prove her that she should have given us a chance I have to be strong, improved version of myself. Not a crybaby I am/was for the past 3 months.
I love her. I miss her. And I hope that one day I'll hear from her even tho like I wrote before... .I fear that she'll never call/write to me again.

But You are right. I have to go NC. Be focused. Be better. If not for her then for myself and my family/friends.