Partner Angry About My Friend Staying With Me

[BP Partner]

Good Afternoon. I am very new to this condition and this forum for seeking help and understanding.  Three weeks ago I knew nothing about BPD. Since then, I have read everything I can get my hands on.  I suspect my partner may suffer from BPD.  She is undiagnosed but has many of the nine criteria I have read about.  We have only been together for a very brief period of time (less than a year).  Our relationship has been on again and off again for many months.

At first I thought she was just a very angry person and I was ready to walk away. Since discovering online info on BPD and realizing she may be suffering, I have become more compassionate about our current situation.  

I am still not sure if I am strong enough to stay in this relationship with her.  At times things are great. But at times I am left in tears and she is left raging.  I also have abandonment issues that at times are triggered by our dynamics.

Our current trigger has been the result of a friend who has been staying with me for the last four weeks.  My partner has gone into an outrage over this and has accused me of having a relationship with my friend. My partner will not come to my house while my friend is staying with me. I cant even mention my friend's name at this point for fear of setting off another outburst.

My friend has just left but the pain and hurt remain for my partner. She says her rage is very close to the surface and can erupt at any moment.  

I don't know how to talk to my partner about this without it ending in conflict. My friend will likely visit me again next year. If my partner is still in my life I want to learn how to navigate this situation so it does not erupt into rage and tears.

Any advice/insight is greatly appreciated.  Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi BP Partner,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that you had a difficult few weeks with your friend at your house. Many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you'll see that you'll fit right in. I'd suggest to try the tools that are on the right side of the board, it sounds like your spouse is dysregulated. A pwBPD can't regulate or self sooth, it takes them a lot longer to get to their baseline of happiness.

So you stated that she was very angry, can you give specific detail, is there something that she doesn't like about your friend?

[BP Partner]

Thank you Mutt

As I am sure we would all agree, these things are complicated.  My friend of 15+ years stays for extended periods of time.  My partner has only met my friend once but she will not visit my house if I have anyone else staying with me. So I dont believe it is about my friend S directly. I am moving out of my house and my partner wanted to spend a few weekends with me before I move out.  I made arrangements for my friend to stay elsewhere while my partner would be visiting.  My partner, A, lost her mind with rage. Apparently she wanted to come for three nights and I only made arrangements for one night. Easily fixable but the damage had been done. The rage was full on. It still emerges full-on if she is reminded of the situation. And this was just the tip of the iceberg that started the accusations of S and I having an affair, and so on... .

I understand her trigger is a feeling of abandonment (with a dose of jealousy). My partner does not accept love and I feel I am always being tested. When I meet the current demands, the target changes. My partner also has unresolved issues related to her adoption when she was born.  So I never really know if she is coming from a place of adoption issues or triggered BPD.

Ultimately I suppose it doesnt really matter. What matters is that I am still committed to us and want to learn how to manage the situations that erupt. At times I dont believe I am strong enough or healthy enough mentally to deal with her rage. But then at times I am reminded of why I love her.

For now, I remain committed to this relationship and to moving forward with A.  I have read 'Walking on Egg Shells' and I am currently reading 'The Everything Guide to BPD', 'The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook' and 'The Buddha and the Borderline'.

So Mutt (and others), if there is anything you can suggest please reach out to me. Thank you.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi BP Partner ,

Sorry you've been going through so much with her lately. Having other people around is often a trigger for those with BPD. They begin to worry that you will leave them or like the other person more. They get very unsure if they think they are not #1 in your life and any other person can be a threat.

As for her disappointment in not setting up time for her to stay more than 1 night, us nons tend to get caught up in "fixing" the facts and forget about the feelings of our pwBPD. You mentioned that you were able to arrange things for her to stay longer (fixing facts) but how did validate her feelings about it?

Here's a workshop on validation. This might help you a lot when it comes to having other people in your house and to her expectation not being met.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[BP Partner]

Thank you Tattered Heart.  I am on a steep learning curve. 

A is #1 in my life. In fact, I have not seen many of my friends in a very long time. I know this is not healthy for me as I need to have personal friendships outside of my relationship. I have not been great at setting and maintaining boundaries.

Yes, I am a fixer.  Its how I have always managed situations in my life. Not to say this has been the best approach or that I am not capable of change.  I am truly invested in understanding and learning what I can do to manage our conflict and finding resolution. 

Thank you for the link to the Validation Workshop.  As I said, I am on a learning curve.

[Tattered Heart]

Thank you for the link to the Validation Workshop.  As I said, I am on a learning curve.

We all are. We didn't learn unhealthy communication overnight. It's happened over a full lifetime so it takes time to unlearn.

[Mutt]

Hi BP Partner,

Is your friend the opposite sex?

[BP Partner]

Mutt - A and I are in a same sex relationship and my friend is also a gay woman.  I see how A could be jealous but I have many gay women in my life.

[isilme]

a BPD partner can be very jealous of "sharing" you with friends, work, family and often the fear of abandonment kicks in and they can't manage it.  If the friend also falls within your range of possible attraction as a new partner, this makes things much worse.

Many of us on here have unfairly been accused of cheating, wanting to cheat, thinking of cheating, ignoring our SOs for friends, family, work, other obligations, simply because they are afraid we feel about them how they feel about themselves.  

H has a lot of internal hatred for himself.  He can't fathom that I have my own set of feelings about him (and about the world in general) and he tries to claim he "knows" my feelings and thoughts before I know them, and better than I know them.  I admit I am invalidating when I respond with "no, you are blaming me for how you feel about yourself.  I know what's in my head, it's in my own head.  You are simply telling me how YOU feel and blaming ME for it."  And I will often leave the room or conversation if possible.  But this is after 21 years of trial and error, of learning what is probably happening and how his reactions might be coming from left field as far as I can tell.

Last night he went off on telling ME how I am no longer attracted to him.  This is a running theme he has spouted for years, but as he is now 40, it's more and more constant.  I said the same thing I always say, Nope - that's how YOU feel.  I don't feel that way.  I do not want to listen to this, it's just you making yourself feel bad.  

Anyway, back to an angry, jealous partner.  This is very new for you, both in the relationship and dealing with BPD.  Things are very tenuous for you at this time.  You ARE in a place to make a serious choice about staying in it, knowing what you are taking ownership of.  No relationship is "easy", but BPD poses a lot of challenges you need to look at and be aware of the bed you are making - I made my bed years back and accepted I plan to sleep in it.  

You CAN have love in this relationship - it just may not be what you think of right now as love.  You can have support, but you will more often be the one supporting.  It's an emotional handicap.  I can't get mad (or at least let myself stay mad) at him not doing things he is emotionally unable to do, or for things his emotional handicap contributes to him doing.  Yelling - I don't have to stand there and take it unless the timing just sucks.  So I try to leave for a few hours.  I try to validate his concerns as I can, I try to use SET to communicate uncomfortable things where his understanding and input is important enough to risk a rage event or panic attack.  A LOT of the steps to make things less volatile fall on the person who does NOT have BPD.  As the more "emotionally able" member of the partnership, you end up carrying a lot of the emotional load.  

This includes situations where working out being a friend versus working out keeping your partner happy is difficult.  Even without BPD, a friend staying who may align with your sexual preferences (even one who does not) is competition for your affections and attention.  They are also someone a pwBPD will fear you talk about them to - this seems to be a BIG concern.  "What did you say about me?"  H is very concerned with people's impressions of him - for years he assumed I talked badly about him to everyone because they would make comments about us not being married at the time, about him not working, or not working full time.  I didn't HAVE to say anything, they saw our lives.  But to him I must have been talking badly about him because he worked so hard at keeping up appearances the only explanation "must" have been me gossiping.  

So, your to your partner it looks like this (this is me attempting to interpret it):  Possible competition for attraction, definitely for time.  You are possibly talking about her to this friend - it may not be things she wants said - who else do you dare talk to? Also, how dare you do something she's said she doesn't like?  :)on't you care about her?  Can't you read her mind about how many nights you need to be free for her to stay?  Can't you understand she has to keep up a sort of mask in the presence of people other than you?  If you really cared you'd never put her through this.

You are expected by her to help manage her unhealthy emotions.  She does not know how to do it.  You CAN help, but you cannot do it for her.  

[BP Partner]

Thank you isilme. A lot to digest here. I want to follow up with some of the things you talk about.  This weekend is moving weekend for me so I will be offline until Monday. I will check back in then.