Constant flip flopping

[bennybolder]

Advice on dealing with constant back and forth? It's been 5 years and literally ever time I set boundaries or try to advance the idea of getting help, moving in together or her moving out of her parents condo (she's 37 btw and they don't live there but live close by) I get hammered with blame, shame and silent treatment. I feel like I'm in the dryer on spin cycle. I've been deeply affected by several decisions that were made without me (i.e. terminating pregnancies) and love this woman but am at the end of my rope. I have an army of support (professional and family wise) although due to her high functioning nature they have a hard time seeing past me... .sigh.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lostandconfused6]

I will be following this because this is one of the biggest struggles I have encountered and it's similar to some of the things you named... .moving out of his parents house and setting boundaries are 2 of the biggest... .I have asked him why when we have a calm convo and come to a compromise or a resolution why it's basically ok for him not to stick to it and he says it depends on my mood I mean everything I say when i'm calm but then sometimes I have a bad day and all I see is red and paint everyone and everything black... .

that confuses me even more because sometimes he has a bad day and can paint everyone black but me... .it's just frustrating... .I still have so much to learn when it comes to BPD and I just hope for the best that he is trying to do better

[Mutt]

Hi bennybolder, 



I'd like to join lostandconfused6 and welcome you to the site. I'm glad that you've found us.

Advice on dealing with constant back and forth?

This is tough and distressing. I can relate with your post, there are two things that we can control and that is our thoughts and feelings, it takes to for the constant flip flopping. A pwBPD are emotionally immature, emotional arrested development at the young age of a child, the emotionally stable partner has to lead and coach.

One of the most useful tools picked up by members on the site is to not JADE, don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain, say things once or maybe twice but if your pwBPD is trying to bait then switch the tempo and find something else to do, running out for an errand etc... .

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[bennybolder]

Thanks for following up. Today has been miserable. I totally forgot to JADE and got wrapped up and lost my cool which then leads me to being blamed for crazy making behaviour... .sigh. I think my struggle is that I have to recognize that this relationship will continue to go in circles as long as I'm in it. It's not my problem, I didn't cause it, I can't fix it and all I can do is take care of me. It's awful feeling so powerless and lonely when someone you love is BPD and refuses to acknowledge it, your boundaries and basically runs and disappears whenever you try to discuss issues surrounding the behavior they exhibit. I appreciate the feedback. Does anyone have any stories of a high functioning BPD getting help and better?

[bennybolder]

correction, forgot to not JADE... .ugh.

[Mutt]

I think my struggle is that I have to recognize that this relationship will continue to go in circles as long as I'm in it

There's a learning curve to the tools on the site and it takes time to accept certain facts, it's not personal to us, it helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll benefit from it in a couple of ways, it sets the facts straight about the disorder and it normalizes.

Our pwBPD behave the way that they do for a reason, there is a fundamental logic to the behaviors if we learn about it and we can also learn to become indifferent to the behaviors. You neither like it or hate it, I completely understand how it feels like you're the lightning rod for the problems in the r/s. A r/s takes two people, it's 50/50 our pwBPD can alter reality or think that feelings equals fact but it doesn't make them true.