Would like opinions on first email I want to send after 3 months no contact

[NotOverHer]

I have been 3 months of NC with my exUBPDgf, who I had been having an affair with. We had a 14 months part-time relationship. I travel to her town once a month for work. The BPD traits were classic: Love bombing on me after having spent only a few hours with me, pushing and pulling with desperate love - alternating with dissociation and coldness, lack of empathy, telling me I was the best relationship she had ever had in her life, the best sex, ... ., recurrent fear of abandonment, ... .So there is no doubt in my mind that she has BPD.

In a typical BPD way, the relationship was perfect and amazing at the beginning, then became a roller coaster ride of being showered with love, then pushed away and ignored, back and forth. At the end, she started pulling away and not responding to my texts like she used to (we used to text multiple times per hour and FaceTime multiple times a day). This was just 1 week after we had spent a great weekend together when she again told me she loved me. The following week, when I am in her town on a Wednesday evening, she announced to me, over the phone, that we were over, and that she was having sex with the new guy she had known for 1 just week, and that she was flying off to the East coast to be with him for the weekend on Friday morning. She was crying and telling me she didn't really want to go, but was going "Because he bought my ticket and I feel obligated to go". Whatever. She agreed to meet the next day for drinks, at my request, so I could try to get closure. I did not sleep much that night. It was then that I recalled evaluating a Borderline patient 25 years earlier, during medical school, and wondering if this could explain things to me. I scoured the internet to get more information on BPD. It explained everything to me, helped me significantly, as it made sense of a confusing situation, ad I felt much less that I had done something wrong in the relationship. It was an epiphany for me.

We met at 5 PM then next day at a local pub. After chit-chatting a little bit, she told me she was feeling very depressed (which she had been feeling for the past month, as she was going through post-divorce feelings). She had been telling me about feeling that way for a while. This is when I asked her if she was depressed to the point of being suicidal. Her response: she looked at me with extreme sadness, with no verbal response, but her eyes filled with tears that started running down her face. I told her I was sorry if I made her feel upset, and that I did not mean to do that. She answered "That's OK". During our 90 minute get-together (which was very cordial - though she was cold and dissociated), I asked her if she had heard of the term "Borderline", to which she said "No". I told her I believed this may explain a lot of her emotional issues, and told her that she should read about it. I then told her I would send her a link on that by email. I then left her, and drove home (5 hour drive - this felt like the longest drive of my life). This was 3 months ago. I was very sad and upset about how things had ended between us. I did not send her that email. I was too sad to send it, and likely get zero response from her. I have not emailed her or texted her since. And she hasn't either. Though she blocked me on Facebook for a few weeks, she later unblocked me. So she can see my (rare and occasional) posts, and I have seen her occasional posts.

I have been writing an email, that I haven't sent yet. I want to take my time and make sure that it is saying what I want to say. I understand most readers would say to delete the email, unfriend her on FB, and never contact her again. But I do not feel that this would be the best thing to do. Here's why: I don't want to just bury the pain, only to have it surface if/when I run into her. I will need to have a minimum amount of communicating with her company about a work-related renewal. I want to be able to be comfortable if/when I run into her. I don't want to be an emotional bumbling fool. I want to be calm and collected, and not look like I am upset over seeing her. And I feel I can get there. I am already doing so much better than I was a month ago. I no longer wake up at night feeling sad and lost. Though she is still on my mind quite a bit, it is no longer bringing me down, and I have had my positive, happy energy return (I had lost that for at least a month after the discard). I do NOT want a recycle. I am hoping to have a cordial and hopefully fun, but strictly platonic relationship.

I am being realistic. I am placing the odds of getting a reply back from her, regarding my email, at about 10%. I will not be upset if I don't hear back from her (I'm hoping). I figure I don't have much to lose. We are NC now, and this will simply continue if she does not respond.

I would love to get opinions on your thoughts about this. Thanks in advance for even reading this far.

Here is the email I want to send... .

[NotOverHer]

Looks like my post clipped off the bottom portion. Here is it... .

Hi J. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I was initially surprised that I never heard back from you after our last get-together in early June. Not even a drunk text :-(. I have to say that getting over you was tougher than I'd thought.

I know I did briefly bring up the borderline term when we last saw each other at PDs last June, but I'm not sure if you ever followed up on it. I did a lot of reading, and the Borderline diagnosis explained a lot to me. If you already knew about your Borderline personality when we were together, then you've already forgotten about me, moved on to your new conquest, and won't reply to me. If so, this letter is really moot.

If you weren't aware of it, then you should realize that you have a "High Functioning Borderline Personality." Please understand that this is not a stigma, and is in no way a negative comment. It's a realization I came to after our breakup. I've done a lot of reading about it, to help me understand why things ended up the way they did. Reading about that was my therapy. I think I understand you better after the split than when we were actually together. Borderline personality is common, much more common than other better-known diagnoses such as bipolar (which we both agreed you don't have). And you're in good company, as apparently Marilynn Monroe and Lady Diana also had it. If you don't believe that this applies to you, let me know and I can email you a list of the characteristics that you have (or things you've told me) that made me realize that and understand it all better.

The Borderline diagnosis holds a lot of answers for you. For all the times you said you felt irritated, but didn't really know why. For all the times you would feel blue, and said you felt "Empty inside" (your words). For the times you'd felt abandoned when I didn't return your messages (at the beginning of our relationship). For the times you felt smothered when I told you I loved you and was in love with you (at the end). Reading about the Borderline personality made me realize a lot. And it helped me understand why things ended up the way they did, which has helped me get over us. This Borderline thing can explain everything for you. And if you can accept it and embrace it, you'll lead a happier life. You'll have happier, more stable, long-lasting and rewarding relationships. And you won't keep leaving a trail of broken hearts. I do understand that you divorcing from Justin was a precipitating factor.  But the BPD signs were there from day 1 when we met (ok, maybe day 2 :-).

A website that I found very helpful to understand things better is https://bpdfamily.com   I highly recommend it. Also, here are some links that to might find interesting and fascinating:

https://beyondtheborderlinepersonality.wordpress.com/category/high-functioning/
This is written by a high-functioning woman with BPD, that I believe you would relate to.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.msg644937#msg644937
Also written by someone with diagnosed BPD, on how to deal with it.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm
It is well worded, and presented in a scientific non-judgmental way.
 
I wanted to share all this with you, in case you weren't aware of your Borderline personality. If you can be open minded about this, and read and understand it, you will be happier. I guess I'm writing this because I'd still like to eventually be able to be friends. You were one of the women that I've felt the closest to. Even though you also felt that way about me DURING our times together, you didn't at the end. You've moved on, and likely not only forgot about all our special times (and forgot about me), but likely have no good memories of us. And that really shouldn't be the case, because we had a lot of good times together.

If you already knew about the borderline thing, please let me know. Even if this email makes you want to never speak to me again. Just let me know so I don't think you never got it, and try to contact you again. More importantly, if you are open to the possibility that this might be something that you are dealing with, and if you are willing to be friends, please let me know. It would be nice to be able to keep in contact. I think that if we were to be good (platonic) friends, I could make your life better, and vice versa.

Take care.

End of letter.

[once removed]

hi NotOverHer,

I guess I'm writing this because I'd still like to eventually be able to be friends.

i think if that is your goal, this would not be the letter i would send (i wouldnt send a letter, but go for a much lower key approach). rehashing the relationship, sharing that you think she has a personality disorder, these arent things that lend themselves to friendship.

the first question id have, is what does a friendship with her look like to you? from your description here:

I will need to have a minimum amount of communicating with her company about a work-related renewal. I want to be able to be comfortable if/when I run into her. I don't want to be an emotional bumbling fool. I want to be calm and collected, and not look like I am upset over seeing her. And I feel I can get there. I am already doing so much better than I was a month ago. I no longer wake up at night feeling sad and lost. Though she is still on my mind quite a bit, it is no longer bringing me down, and I have had my positive, happy energy return (I had lost that for at least a month after the discard). I do NOT want a recycle. I am hoping to have a cordial and hopefully fun, but strictly platonic relationship.

it seems like youre shooting for something cordial and casual, which i think is both practical and realistic. do you want more than that, say, a close friendship?

how to pursue this i think depends on those answers.

[Skip]

I think once removed says it well. I'd add... .

I want to be able to be comfortable if/when I run into her. I don't want to be an emotional bumbling fool. I want to be calm and collected, and not look like I am upset over seeing her. And I feel I can get there. I am already doing so much better than I was a month ago. I no longer wake up at night feeling sad and lost. Though she is still on my mind quite a bit, it is no longer bringing me down, and I have had my positive, happy energy return (I had lost that for at least a month after the discard). I do NOT want a recycle. I am hoping to have a cordial and hopefully fun, but strictly platonic relationship.

I am being realistic. I am placing the odds of getting a reply back from her, regarding my email, at about 10%.

I'm not a big believer in NC after the initial separation and disentanglement is complete. NC is a crutch we use when we are overwhelmed and entangled/ensnared.  To me, when the entanglement has been sorted out, it's best to move from NC (fear , avoidance, resentment) to strength, conviction, confidence, growth.

With this in mind, I don't think your letter is about strength, conviction, confidence, or growth. Your message implies that her relationship with you ( a good guy) failed because she is mentally ill and like a person with a low IQ who is handicapped in the world, she is mentally handicapped and unable to have a healthy relationships. You also mention unanswered questions (and the implication that she owes you answers about her choices). Now this may be true (a little or a lot), but is it constructive for this to come from an estranged boyfriend (or mailman, or bill collector). The answer is no.

this is a discussion to take place in bits and pieces over time and at optimal moments from someone with whom there is intimacy and high levels of trust and no question of motives. That time has passed for you. Seeing this is growth on your part.

If you goal is to eliminate the potential awkwardness and carve a path for being cordial to each other when you cross paths at work - and to maybe even have lunch sometime - the note would look more like this.

I've thought a lot about what you have said and, you were right in what you did. I wish I had seen it earlier, myself. Being in a relationship with a married man, as much as I hoped it would be more, was a dead end street for you. I was not emotionally available 24/7 and that had to be hard on you. And to be honest, I was not planning ti leave my wife. Your decision to move on was the best thing for you (you can now find someone who is available) and for me (I can refocus on my family and not deceive them).

I really hope we can be friends. I want the best for you, and I like you. Our friendship could be one where we respect each others relationships/partner and we don't compromise them or ourselves in any way. We accept that the past is the past. Just casual friends - amicable exs.

I'm not suggesting this wording, just using an example to make the point.

Do you see what I mean? How one letter is kind of weak and self centered and questions her stability and character and the other is strong, supportive, and clearly safe?

[NotOverHer]

Hi once removed.

I was glad to read that you thought that a friendship is possible and could be cordial and casual. That would be what I would like. I am still in the process of detaching, though now mostly in the Acceptance stage of grief. I would say I am mostly, but not completely, over what we had.

I am not looking for a close friendship. I actually wouldn't mind a close platonic friendshio, but I know that with a BPD, that would likely lead to recurrent detachment and would not want to go through feeling this was a one-sided friendship.

I would want a good friendship, albeit one that is fairly casual. I go to her town once a month. I would like to be able to catch up over lunch or dinner. But also be fine if she's busy and can't see me. I want to build new friendships with new people in her town. Until a few months ago, she was the only social contact I had there. So the last few visits have been a bit difficult, as I would get lonely and think of her a lot. My last time there though, I met some friends of friends, and had a good trip.

So yes, a good friend, but not necessarily a close friend. I would like to be able to hear about new developments in her life, and to have her feel comfortable confiding in me (and me comfortable confiding in her). I definitely do not want to fall back into the relationship we had previously, as I know the beautiful, warm, caring, loving, sweet person that I was exposed to at the beginning, was not really who she is. I do not want to go through what I went through the last few months.

So please let me know your thoughts. Should I just not mention the Borderline issue? I tell myself that understanding this may help explain a lot of her recurrent feelings of irritability, which she told me "I have no idea why I feel that way".

I guess in my ideal mind, I am hoping that she would embrace the concept that she has a borderline personality, that she would read more on that so she could finally understand her unexplained mood swings, and try to get therapy if needed. I am hoping she would then appreciate me having made her see the light, and helped her be less unhappy. Am I writing a fairy tale here?

[NotOverHer]

Skip: Wow. I love, love, love your suggested letter! That makes so much more sense that what I had written. Not only that, it is more representative of how I feel, than what I had written.

I also really like what you said about NC. How it is more about fear and avoidance, than strength and confidence.

I still would love to have her realize about her BPD, as I believe it would be helpful and enlightening to her. But you are right, now is not the time to bring that up.

Thank you for that awesome suggestion!

[once removed]

I would say I am mostly, but not completely, over what we had.

that can either be helped (eased) by transitioning to a friendship or it can be a hindrance. transitioning to a friendship can go a long way toward letting go of resentment, thinking of each other fondly, remembering what you liked about each other, but with a very different context and boundaries. in any event i think in 95% of cases (there is the odd couple that tries it (relationship), decides it doesnt work, better off good friends, very mutual, zero resentments, but thats rare) it should be taken slowly and naturally. if we havent grieved and reached acceptance, its too easy for conflicting feelings and vulnerable heart to guide the course in the wrong direction. dont go from 0-60.

I am not looking for a close friendship. I actually wouldn't mind a close platonic friendship

i do think this is realistic and possible generally speaking. bear in mind things ended on a bad note and there were hurt feelings, she blocked you, etc. its a reasonable read that her unblocking you suggests things have probably thawed, but we dont know how much, and with any communication you send, she will be likely to be on guard, as you probably would be if she sent one.

Skips letter is good advice, i think primarily because it is safe, and its clear and up front (youre not sending her a facebook 'poke'. she will appreciate it. she may reject it (some people prefer to make a clean break from the past). she may reject it outright, give it time to sink in, and then have a change of heart.

it has a high success rate, it is conscience clearing (you will appreciate that years down the road no matter how it goes), and as you say, representative of how you feel, so its true to you.