We fell in 'love', then she cut me out while distorting and invalidating us.

[flamingspiral]

I've spent the last 2 weeks analyzing what happened non-stop. It is torture. I've been with BPD women before, and it always ends in shambles. I'm trying to understand why I overlooked the signs. Again.

In a nutshell, this is what happens in my experience:

Their low self-esteem and quick disclosure of their wounds/trauma leads to me giving over-compensating validation>I spill my own guts to equalize with them>Intensity>Codependency>Instability>Heartbreak

For whomever is kind enough to read my story, hear it is:

I am a 25yo passionate guy with high-anxiety and ptsd from previous relationship trauma with a former BPD partner.

I met this gal on Tinder. Before we even met, we were going off the deep-end and discussing the hypotheticals of a potential dynamic. She went straight into discussing how she still lived with an ex, and would be able to date again once she moved out in a month's time, but until then she was still intimate with him, and keeping the peace for the sake of her living situation. Driven by guilt and survival.

When we met, I was on the verge of a panic attack. We talked and it subsided. She talked about the miscarriage she had, and I disclosed the intrusive thoughts I deal with from OCD to equalize the disclosure. Thus the 'Nutshell' began. Within an hour we were kissing and touching. From the first moment, we were both completely transparent in our vulnerabilities.

She is VERY intelligent, compassionate, intuitive, and beautiful. We fell in love hard and fast.

The 2nd or 3rd time with eachother, she asked if we were exclusive. I said yes. She ends things with the ex. In the first 2 weeks, she would always leave by 9pm as to not seem conspicuous to her ex/landlord. I kept my eyes on the horizon. We constantly poured our hearts out via text, and when it got sexy it was like poetry.

She would ask for validation. She would not believe my compliments. She would not accept them, thinking they were just my way of protecting her from her low self-esteem and issues with her self-image. I was sincere. Her reluctance to accept them was met with me trying even harder, and being more and more intense to make her believe it. This perpetuation got to the point of me saying if we were still together in a year or two, I would marry her. I told her I doubted that I would ever meet anyone like her again, and that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever been with. All within the first week and a half. All of that still rings true for me. I really meant it. She blew me away. I would tell her how she's a dream come true.

This is how the intensity started. I consoled and reassured her self-esteem, she consoled and reassured my anxiety. At one point I was in tears, scared I would drive her away with my anxiety. She said it was 'intoxicating' when she calmed me down.

We both were trying to set a foundation for interdependency, and take it slow to not burn out. We used 'hypotheticals' to keep us in check. So we thought. In the first week and a half she was talking about how she imagined me being the stay-at-home artist dad, and her being the bread-winner.

2 weeks in I move. Happens my new place is down the street from a stalker-ex of hers. I hid her car in the garage every time she came over. I found myself consoling her frequently on the ex she still lived with, as well as the ex down the street who still clearly intimidated her. She is a serial-monogamist, and breaking that cycle was something she craved yet repressed for the sake of our incredible rarity. I kept my eyes to the horizon, in disregard for my own discomfort. She wanted to be my girlfriend 'fairly soon', emphasizing our 'extreme compatibility', 'How grateful she is she found me'.

One night, still about 2 weeks in, she asks about my ex, who I associate my conditioned responses to. After hearing all her stuff about hers, I figure I'd vent about it. Talking about my ex's lies and backstabbing still makes me mad, and she said "I feel like I should leave, you don't sound like you're over her". I had to reassure her that I harbor no affection for my ex, and she ended up staying the night and apologizing for her overreaction.

The next morning, I am showing her pictures of the month I spent in another country a year prior. I scroll past a picture of this gal and I at a bar, and thinking she would ask about it, preemptively mentioned that I hooked up with her in effort to show honesty. In an icy self-righteous rage, she stormed out and left. The next day, she had us on the chopping block. She was mindful enough to acknowledge that the visual triggered her, and that her overreaction was unfair since she I had been dealing with her ex-baggage. But it was like there was nothing between us. She couldn't remember out intimacy and connection. Over the phone: She tried to blame me for being the 'intense' one. I defended myself, she yielded, then I described in detail our connection, intimacy, romance, how we were falling in love. She said it was helping bring it all back, and encouraged me to keep describing it all to her. So I did. I got her to agree to see me at least one more time before throwing in the towel.

The next day she comes over and we hug. She comes up to my room where I give her a bouquet of roses, and make this whole speech about how I f***** up and how sorry I am, which I now realize was unfair to me. We agree to divert venting about our exes to other friends. She writes 'physical reminder' in lipstick on my mirror, and I give her a pendant to hold on to. Back on the roller coaster.

When she goes home that night, she texts me non-stop. Saying how she's so glad I stayed 'steadfast', how it felt so 'right' as soon as she was in my arms, and how we both learned how important it is for her to have her 'cooldown' time, and how as long as I kept her coming back, things would get easier. I'm definitely ignoring the alarms going off in my gut, and reciprocating all of this.

I throw away anything and delete all files/pictures/numbers that could potentially threaten her.

Things are good for another 2 weeks. She would frequently bring up and we would talk about 'hypothetically' having kids, potential names, what we would do for our marriage, etc. I reciprocate. At one point I said we should talk less about hypotheticals, and build our foundation more. She agreed, and we made an effort.

She still talked about her exes, comparing me to them to emphasize how amazing I am. I looked past it for the most part. Asking her to tone it down on one occasion.

She gets this boil on her face, and wouldn't let me see her for two days, terrified of what I'd think. This hurt. I knew her ex she lived with might see it, but I kept it to myself trying to take it as a compliment.

When I did see her next, I was helping her move into her new place. I extensively reassured her of her beauty on the inside and outside, and how the boil did not change how I felt. I gave her a rose I had preserved in Ethyl Alcohol for her as a metaphor to how I felt about her. In my mind, it was supposed to be the ultimate reassurance. At the time, she loved it.

By this point, she had proposed we make our relationship formal on September 15th, and make a ceremony out of it before going public. I agreed. She had also brought the girlfriend/boyfriend language into it. She started saying my 'lobe', dancing around the word. I replied with my 'loft'. This became an inside joke of sorts. She kept saying how I was 'perfect', she would never meet another man like me, how she wanted me so bad it scared the s*** out of her, how she couldn't stand the thought of losing me and having to live with a 'failure of that magnitude', how she felt 'incomplete' when she went home, asked if I would 'hypothetically marry her the next day' etc. I reciprocated, I would call her my 'angel' and tell her how she blew me away.

She broke down in tears after making love one time, saying how she couldn't remember the last time she felt 'whole' with someone. She was in therapy, and working on listening to her body and her issues with disassociation. She has a harsh history of violent and sexual abuse growing up in her family.

She stated that "we love eachother" and "I think we belong together".

The last night we spent together, she was knitting a sweater for my sister for xmas. Earlier that day, she was saying very horny things, which led to anxiety and confusion on my part in bed that night when she wasn't in the mood. I went down a hole for a bit, but we talked through it. I shed a couple tears at the end. Before we fell asleep, she wanted to make love, and insinuated that she loved me after. Next morning, made love again. Watched tv while she knit. I was feeling cuddly, she wasn't, so I mellowed out. We kissed goodbye like always, she said I would see her very soon.

The next day, I send a text about the anxiety I had the previous night-reassuring her that as I get to know her more, things will get easier and I'll have less anxiety, and how she's an angel. She reciprocated, saying how she sees that potential in me, and how that makes it easy for her to be and grow with me. I reciprocate that sentiment back. I sensed she wanted some space, so I wished her a good day. She thanked me for the understanding, and we didn't talk for a few hours. She sends a goodnight text saying how all is well, and we'll talk in the morning.

She knew that texting can be a big trigger for my anxiety. It was how my heart got broken in my previous relationship. My PTSD if you will.

The next morning she sends a very sweet and gentle 'sweetheart' text on my way to work, saying she's not ready to be my girlfriend just yet, she's not saying no September 15th, she's not running or disappearing, she just needs me to know how she's feeling.

I am instantly sent into a panic attack. I respond with several depraved, defensive, and anxious texts. I describe my impulse to break it off so I don't have to watch her 'burn out' on me. I say I need to know exactly what I need to do to not lose her. I ask if we're still one-in-a-million to her, and if she's still 'committed to committing'-the staple of my security in our dynamic, being that she still lived with an ex and wouldn't go official till she was in her new place, etc.

I call her immediately after sending it, and ask if she's still 'committed to committing'. She responds with ambivalence and no clear answers. We keep texting. Her ambivalence makes me panic more, which made her more ambivalent-triggering her 'defenses', which I responded to in the same way I did with our first fall-out when I pushed through her dissociation. She asks me to stop 'pushing'.

That day is a blur, but I end up faking a migraine so I could go home early. I was sick with anxiety. We agree to meet later that day. I came off strong about meeting in person, which she took as a demand, which I called her about and de-escalated. But probably still further triggered her.

I go home and create a 3 page diagram of everything concerning us. 'The Build Up', 'The Dilemma', 'The Solutions'.

When she gets to my house, she is still totally disassociated, and I am raw and speechless. I ask her to read the diagram I made, which she does.

She sits down after, and doesn't know what to say. She does not hug me, reassure me, or have any optimism to give. Same as before, she is vacant. Like there was nothing ever between us. We talk, she tries to turn things on me, like I was the only one who wanted the relationship. I defend myself, she yields. I point out her part in it/her contributions to the intensity. She accepts. She wonders if she is bipolar. I suggest she might be borderline. She wants to believe that we fell in love because we are mentally ill, I refused to believe that. I ask if I can hug her, since it helped bring her back before. She says yes. It was like hugging a corpse.

We go out for a smoke. She says she feels like it just needs to be totally over, and how she knows it would be a 'tremendous loss' for both of us. I back her off the ledge, saying how it is impossible not to be yourself, so you might as well be with someone who loves you as you are while you figure things out. She agrees.

We agree to not talk for a couple days, until she sees her therapist. I was desperately trying to grasp on to anything that might save us. I get her to laugh before she leaves. I give her the diagram I made, asking that she look at it when she isn't disassociated, and compare how she feels. She says that's a very good idea.

She leaves. I am in hell, feeling cornered and powerless. In shock and agony, knowing that with BPD their mind tends to re-write reality when left to it's own devices.

I send a text the next morning. It's optimistic and constructive. I propose we each make a hand-written guide to keep with us that we can fall back on in times of disassociation and anxiety. I say 'don't feel like you have to reply'.

She replies viciously and defensively, angry that I suggested she's borderline and in denial, and emphasizing how she loves herself and that's enough.

I reply apologizing, and how that assertion came to me from my own experience with my previous BPD ex, assuring her she wasn't. I tell her how I know she loves herself, and reiterate my words from the day before.

We re-enter into a dialogue where I am panicking and trying to fix things, and she is cold and justifying ending things. I even asked if my sister could contact her, as a way of mediating, but that did not happen. I was desperate.

She said she was pissed that I was crossing her boundaries and I apologized saying I'd back off. She replied with empathy for my anxiety given the situation.

I end up compulsively sending more texts, and then call her to apologize for how I had handled the previous day, and how awful I felt; how I wanted to re-approach the whole thing with our defenses down. She was at work, and instantly broke it off for good, saying I had 'walked all over her boundaries'. I pleaded for understanding, but to no avail.

She came over later that day to exchange possessions. I explained my panic, she listened, then we said goodbye. I told her I wouldn't contact her again.

5 days later I send a text saying how I forgot to take my anxiety meds(truth) the day I 'burned down her boundaries', how what transpired is why I take meds, and how I had since doubled my dose and would be enrolling in DBT therapy. 'I'm truly sorry'.

She replied saying she has compassion for me, but that she would do whatever it takes up to and including a restraining order to defend her boundaries.

4 days later I send a Facebook message detailing my side of the story, trying to find closure and possibly mend things. I say I'm out of words, and done at the end. No reply.

3 days later I ask if we could meet on September 15th to have a 'kind, objective' discussion about what happened. She says no, apologizes for disappearing and f****** up my head, saying she was 'wrapped up in how she was feeling in moment', 'hadn't forgot how she felt with me', but that she was 'forever done' because I 'stomped all over her boundaries', and didn't cease contact when I said I would.

She referred to what we had as a series of 'totally weird things', and said it got too intense too quick and she wanted off the 'ride'. She also twisted my words, being 'incredibly insulted', claiming I said she doesn't love herself, which is NOT true. She then blocked me before I could defend myself and reply.

2 days later I send an email clarifying how she twisted my words, distorted facts, belittled what we had-i.e. 'ride', how I have not stalked or threatened her, and how she projected what she's been through onto me. I was hurt and angry, but objectively stating what I think to be the truth-how she could have thrown me a rope from her high horse of boundaries at any point during my panic, how cutting me out and blocking me was cowardly and conceited, etc.

She replies claiming how she never wanted to commit. The opposite of the truth, including some other distortions of facts and details. She claims I have 'dangerous misconceptions', and how I am not stable. How I was too intense. She states that if I reply again, she will use it in filing a restraining order against me.

So here I am: questioning my sanity, wondering if I'm a BPD. My friends and family assure me I'm not, and that I'm sane. I'm still in love, punishing myself, wondering what could have been.

Help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lost-love-mind]

You are in the right place.
The story of your BPD ex (?) Sounds so familiar. Push/pull.
Little mistakes turned into a major item in her head. Pics or discussion of ex's are always a bad topic, but with a BPD it is traumatic.
Provacative texts and discussion, then a shut down at intimacy.
It all fits my story.
My exBPD was my first experience with the emotional challenges, during and particularly after being devalued.
Of course I was naive to all the psychological lingo and how it affects the mind of the BPD.
Hang in there. Decide what you want in the future with her or someone else. Writing this is therapeutic for me. Thank you and know you are not alone.

[flamingspiral]

Thank you for the support. As far as I can tell, she won't be in my future. I think the best way to guard my heart from going through this again, is to avoid dating people with a traumatic past-especially one they disclose it so soon. It leads to their needs and triggers being the priority in the relationship, while mine are put on the back burner. Double standards are not sustainable. I'm just trying to not to punish myself too much. Keep wondering what would have happened with "dream girl" if I hadn't have panicked when she took away my anchor in the dynamic.

[Mutt]

Hi flamingspiral,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're going through. I think that a lot of members here can relate with replaying scenarios on their minds to find which scenario was the deal breaker. I just want to say don't beat yourself up, a r/s takes two people, regardless of what you have done or what she thinks that you've done, don't put this all on your back.

I agree with beetle conduit, it's therapeutic to talk, I'm glad that you've joIned us, you'll see that you fit right in.

Did you have contact with her?

[Lost-love-mind]

I'm just trying to not to punish myself too much. Keep wondering what would have happened with "dream girl" if I hadn't have panicked when she took away my anchor in the dynamic.

Wow. Profound in my parallel story to yours.
My exBPD sent provacative pics after sexting. Then I took it further with offering massage oils.
The night of the "big event" she claimed she was tired. Consistent with 3 weeks earlier of when we were reaching the next level of intimacy.
Instead of asking whether she wanted a massage, I excused myself from her place not wanting to pursue after what I took as a "no" (e.g. after 30 yrs in a marriage with a woman "tired" = "no".)
The exBPD claimed I was selfish and should have read her mind (my words) and offered a massage.
To this day , 3 mos. later, I keep up with the "wooda _ coulda_shoulda" keeps haunting my thoughts.
If I would have offered the massage...
That thinking keeps me at fault in my head. I understand a BPD has difficulty expressing their needs. I can't read minds. Not after only a 2 month relationship. Heck, I couldn't read my ex-wife mind after 30 yrs of marriage...
Johnny Cash lyrics: "let it go".

[once removed]

hi flamingspiral, id like to join the others in saying

i agree with the others that youll find you fit right in here. your relationship history looks a lot like my own. i found myself in a string of messy and heartbreaking relationships, some of them involving BPD traits. my undiagnosed ex and i had a lot of conflict that looked like what you describe. i was young too, my ex and i broke up when i was 24.

recovery from this will involve treating yourself gently and kindly. therapy is highly recommended around here.

this article we have on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD is an excellent road map. it addresses a lot of the common questions we have in the aftermath, and good tips for getting through it and coping: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

the lessons to the right of the board are chock full of similar material.

id give you two pieces of advice. the first is to grieve your relationship completely. take as long as it takes. keep posting, asking questions, and learning. and once youve grieved, shift your focus. learn more about yourself and how you got here. work with us on the Learning board, get some tools and skills, put the nail in the coffin, and go on to healthier relationships in the future. i found that my relationship was the catalyst for serious changes. at 25, if you take the bull by the horns, you will go on to greater things and be way ahead of the game.

[flamingspiral]

To Mutt:

I am rationally able to break it down, and see that it takes two to tango. But emotionally I am blaming myself, despite my higher-conscience telling me that these dynamics are a time-bomb and that I should be thankful it did not progress further before she flipped. When she did, I threw her plenty of ropes despite my state of panic, and she did not grab on to or throw me any beyond wanting me to wait on the chopping block. She copped out.

I have not contacted her since she threatened to file a restraining order. I am done reaching out to her for answers/reconciliation. I doubt her version of reality will lead to her contacting me again. I did not stalk her, only sent messages.

To Beezleconduit:

Johnny Cash is the man.
Highway 61 by Bob Dylan is an EXCELLENT heartbreak album as well.

In reality, if it wasn't one thing, it would have eventually been another. I'm having as hard of a time accepting that as anyone, but I feel like your 'massage' and my 'panic' were used as the perfect ammunition to escape, and all the real issues suppressed under the fantasy and projection served as the gunpowder. Although that does not change the brutal feeling of how 'if only I coulda/shoulda/woulda, I'd be with my dream girl'.

To once removed:

I am currently in therapy. I am conflicted as to whether or not I should try Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for my anxiety. I feel that if I had those coping skills at the time of the s***-show, I would have been able to respond in away that would have led to us working out, and that I would have been able to mirror her and mend things. Perhaps I would not have been stuck in the desperate anxious tunnel-vision that 'walked all over her boundaries' and pushed her to the edge of 'forever done'. Although I would have been accommodating her even further than I already had. Double standards. To my credit, nearly everything I expressed was in effort to be constructive and save us.

Or maybe I don't need DBT, and I should just learn to avoid people who would put me in that position in stark contrast to having assured me of love and commitment. I don't know.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf was actually what brought me here. It was a god-send to read. It's been a rock to grasp onto in my grief, and helps bring me clarity.

If you have any suggestions to good starting points on the learning board, I'm all ears.

To all:

Thank you. It means so much to have your support through this, and know that I am not alone.

I think the hardest thing for me right now, is that she was so layered. In so many ways she was such an incredible person, and we really are extremely compatible. She is highly intelligent and compassionate, and while I cannot diagnose her, I have to accept that I have observed BPD traits in her words and behavior. I strongly believe that "love" is not a word to be thrown around lightly, or describe how you felt when you were "wrapped up in the moment". It is a word that implies commitment to someone on the deepest level, and with that comes the willingness to work with, empathize, and reconcile with that person. I don't know what she actually felt when she perceived "love", but she was clearly on a different page. Analyzing this for closure has been absolute HELL, because her BPD traits are buried in so many facets and qualities of her that I fell in love with. It's hard to believe that such an insightful, articulate, and deep person could fall prey to such mechanisms. But her twisting of my words, distorting of facts, and retrospective deflection of accountability are undeniable.

[GlennT]

Flamingspiral

Any updates ? You are one of the lucky ones if you discovered her BPD early. My gf was just diagnosed and really started the splitting 4 years into our relationship. There were some signs, but never like this.  If I had seen one of these splitting episodes earlier, I would have run for my life way sooner as there is no solution to someone that refuses to get help.

I am curious to know how long her love-bombing phase toward you lasted? I am currently studying a pwBPD love-bomb a rather shy and unsuspecting soul for the past four months. Now, he is no longer shy, feels great, and is love-bombing her. I know her history, and how this all will end.

[Lost-love-mind]

I think the best way to guard my heart from going through this again, is to avoid dating people with a traumatic past-especially one they disclose it so soon.

After 3 mos. of torture in my mind (the abyss) since the breakup with the BPD, I may enter the dating scene again.
I've really tried to see my part in the breakup and my " momentary lapse of selfishness" that was devastating in her mind.
Seeing the red flags will hopefully be easier in New encounters. Two different women that are possible companions*: one never married and no children is same age @57; the other is a widow.
Both new scenarios for my past online dating.
*Companionship at my age is my priority. Putting thoughts of immediate romance (e.g. love bombing) and the Luvy_duvy constant texting as deal breakers.
I hope you find you can reenter the dating scene. Unsure of your age , the younger you are, the more opportunities for finding the right one.

[CycleBreaker123]

Thank you for the support. As far as I can tell, she won't be in my future. I think the best way to guard my heart from going through this again, is to avoid dating people with a traumatic past-especially one they disclose it so soon. It leads to their needs and triggers being the priority in the relationship, while mine are put on the back burner. Double standards are not sustainable. I'm just trying to not to punish myself too much. Keep wondering what would have happened with "dream girl" if I hadn't have panicked when she took away my anchor in the dynamic.

I would guess that "dream girl" would have found a reason to blow everything up soon enough, regardless of what you did or did not do correctly.   The one part of your story that really resonated with me was her engaging in an argument/discussion with you via email, telling you that you did this and that wrong, before diagnosing you as "unstable", and finally delivering her game-winning coup de grace - announcing that any reply on your part is grounds for her filing a restraining order.    I had somebody do the same sort of thing to me once.    Such cowardly behavior occurs to me as "cheating", plain and simple.   It's the equivalent of turning over the checker board and running away, simply because one is losing the game.    One does not get "the last word" at the same time they get to wave the restraining order flag.   If she doesn't wish to hear from you, it's trivial to block your messages.  Or simply not reply in the first place.   Problem solved.   Now if you keep contacting her, after receiving nothing back from her, then perhaps she is within her rights to politely request you ceases communications because she is worried about her safety.    Not many men will persist after that.    But if she is actively engaged in debating "who is the craziest", then she is not allowed to play the restraining order card.    Restraining orders are not designed to help quarreling lovers "win" arguments - they are designed to help people who feel they are in actual danger of being harmed.    There is a limit to one's sheer desirability - like how many "stalkers" does "dream girl" get to collect before she loses sympathy points for being stalked "yet again" by yet another guy who just won't leave her alone?   I'm not suggesting you keep arguing with her - like what's the point - it's not likely she will "wake up" with you somehow convincing her how badly she behaved and come running into your arms - nope, that story just doesn't seem to happen very often.    Were it me, and ifI felt like replying,  I would not hesitate to reply - and would let her know that any further replies on her part occurs to me as an invitation to keep the discussion going.    But if she does stop replying, well then I probably would stop contacting her.    I just find the "tell you off and then threaten you with legal action should you reply" to be the biggest red flag of all that you are dealing with somebody who is only concerned about "winning" the argument,and not patching anything up. 

[Lost-love-mind]

Restraining orders are not designed to help quarreling lovers "win" arguments - they are designed to help people who feel they are in actual danger of being harmed.    There is a limit to one's sheer desirability - like how many "stalkers" does "dream girl" get to collect before she loses sympathy points for being stalked "yet again" by yet another guy who just won't leave her alone?   

 

Yes, my exBPD told me multiple stalking stories (she had more than 3) on our 3rd date. Her initial emails told me she was a "creep magnet".
Should have seen that as grandiosity, sign of NPD?

[/quote] 
just find the "tell you off and then threaten you with legal action should you reply" to be the biggest red flag of all that you are dealing with somebody who is only concerned about "winning" the argument,and not patching anything up. [/quote]  

Never thought of that as an aspect of her PPO threats. Thank you.
Winning the argument is a symptom of control freak. Again Npd?