I just realized why my marriage has been so difficult

[SoulSick]

I have been married for 27 years. The verbal and emotional abuse has escalated over the past few years. I am continually being accused of having affairs, not giving enough and being the soul cause of our last three business venture failures.  My loyalty has gone unacknowledged and i feel I can no longer absorb this behavior. We have an eleven year old daughter that is beginning to show signs of stress and anxiety. I'm not even sure what I can get from this community, but I'm here to find out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowglobe]

Hello @Soulsick, welcome!
You will find that majority of people on this forum share silmilar experiences and struggles that you are going through. Please, tell us a little more about your husband. Has he been identified, did you seek any type of treatment, what is your current setuation?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Soulsick,

I'm sorry that you are having difficulties in your marriage. YOu'll find lots of support and advice here. Accusations and blaming are pretty common in someone with BPD. It's frustrating because you know the truth and there is nothing you can say or do to convince them otherwise. One thing I've learned is that just validating their feelings (not their accusation) and not trying to justify, apologize, defend, or explain myself makes all the difference in the world.

How do you respond to his accusation? How has that response worked for you?

When my H throws out an accusation that I'm having an affair, I will simply state: "I know it's scary to have worries about me cheating, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm not having an affair. I want to understand what you're feeling right now. Could you share a little more about what has brought on your concern?"

We have a lot of great workshops on the right side of the page that can help you learn new ways of communicating with your pwBPD. To get you started here is a link to one of our workshops on Stop Accusation & Blaming

[Radcliff]

I'm not even sure what I can get from this community, but I'm here to find out.

OK, well, you pretty much nailed it, Soulsick, it's a community!  You will find support, understanding, and help learning how to improve things.  Become a regular on the board, reading the posts of others, seeing what they have in common with you, and replying to them.  Become a part of the community.

I wanted to share with you some of the stages I went through when I first arrived here:

1.  Venting and receiving empathy
2.  Getting facts and getting my bearings ("What the heck is going on?"
3.  Learning and changing some of my behaviors to make things better

I think most of us go through those stages, and in fact I think we go through them again if things go off the rails or we encounter a new problem.  I was amazed that after a couple of decades of marriage, this old dog could learn new tricks that helped make things better.  Not "all better," for sure, but enough of an improvement to be well worth the effort.  I can give examples, but don't want to distract from the good questions asked by Snowglobe and Tattered Heart.  Why don't you start with those and help us get to know you better?

Wentworth