I do not think it is a lost cause

[Mr Mann]

Hi,
I am a forty something guy, in a relationship of 3.5 years with the most amazing person in the world. An amazing person who happens to have BPD. I have known from the start of our relationship about her condition (she was very open about this). In the beginning our relationship was great, just like any other. Then, as we started to get more serious, things started to change. It's almost as if we reach a certain point, she get's scared, we argue and we go back three steps and she relaxes then the cycle repeats itself.

Dialogue between us has always been difficult as she seems unable to open up to me whereas she can talk freely with her best friend. She accuses me of suffocating her if I want to spend more than the allotted time together yet when she feels like it she will call me and expect me to be available, something which I always try to be. She has convinced herself and tries to convince me that I have anger management and abandonment issues, saying that I am "like Jekyll and Hyde" and has, on many occasions insisted that I seek professional help.

We have recently been through tough patches in our personal lives with both of us loosing our fathers within a week of each other. During her father's illness she re-started an old defense mechanism she has of bulimia (I know that this is her way of gaining some control of an aspect of her life). When one day, purely by accident, I discovered this we had a blazing row and she told me she needed some time to reflect on our relationship we have been apart for two weeks and she refuses almost any contact. When we do speak she tells me that she misses me and wants us to be better together but she thinks that I have to seek help for my "problems" before we can continue (something that I have done in the past and have been assured that I do not have any).  

I have read stop walking on eggshells and found it helpful, encouraging and relevant yet I would like some direct advice. Unfortunately I moved from my home country to live in Italy 20 years ago and there is very little support here for those close to BPD loved ones. The best you can do is pay €65 an hour for someone to tell you that it's a lost cause and you should run. I do not think it is a lost cause and I do not intend to run without first trying everything I can.

I don't know what to do. I do not want to loose her as she is an amazing person whom I love dearly, although, I cannot let this situation destroy me but, above all, I do not want to hurt her either.If any one has any advice I would gladly listen.
Thank you in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Mr Mann,

Dialogue between us has always been difficult as she seems unable to open up to me whereas she can talk freely with her best friend

I can see how that would hurt that she can't talk to her partner but she can talk to her best friend, you mentioned that when you get close there's conflict and she steps back, she's not intimate with her best friend, a pwBPD are emotionally aressted at the young age of a child and cannot sustain healthy adult intamicy, intimacy triggers the disorder.

We have recently been through tough patches in our personal lives with both of us loosing our fathers within a week of each other.

I'm sorry for your loss.

The best you can do is pay €65 an hour for someone to tell you that it's a lost cause and you should run. I do not think it is a lost cause and I do not intend to run without first trying everything I can

MY advice is to read as much as you can about the disorder, it will do a couple of things for you, it will normalize the disorder with clinical medical information, the second thing that it will do is depersonalize the behaviors, it's not personal to us, it's something that our pwBPD go through. For a primer I'd suggest to use validation, a pwBPD need a lot of validation, this is just my personal opinion but the arguing, rigidness and negativity is their inner dialogue, it has to comes from somewhere right, it's also directed at themselves, a pwBPD have low self esteem, low self worth, self loath and self hate. How we communicate can really change things, it's not a magic bulle though. Take a look at the lessons on the right side of the board.

Is she from your home country?

[Radcliff]

Hello Mr Mann,

Let me echo Mutt's welcome!  You will find a supportive community here, with many members who are committed to staying in their relationships, and also do not feel that it is a lost cause.  I would invite you to visit regularly.  Read the posts of others, and reply to the ones where you can offer some of your experience, or simply empathy and support.  You will see that others are facing similar challenges to you, and that alone can help with the feelings of isolation many of us have.  I know you're primary goal is direct contact, but there are also some fantastic reading resources on this site.  You may want to start with the "LESSONS" thread at the top of this board.  Not everything will be relevant to you, and there's a lot of material, but there are some gems in there, so dig in!

What is a behavior or situation where you would most like to see improvement in your relationship?

Wentworth

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there Mr Mann!

My Gf has also an Eating disorder + BPD and I know comunication and intimacy is really tough. Bulimia carries a lot of shame, and shame is a strong emotion for people with BPD between both, they take control of their life. It is not that the people around are not important, but they react as a wounded animal, and everything seems a threat to them.

One thing about Eating disorders, is that they absolutely want no witnesses. Even my gf that is open about it, and freely tells me what she does, gets completely shut down if I ask her, won't eat in front of me, and will go into a crisis if I see what she is going to eat later. As in, there is a bag on top of the table and I take a peak inside... ."Oh, what's this?" that means I ruined her week and I'm the worst soul-less person in the world.

I don't want to discourage you, I just want to tell you how a big deal an eating disorder is. We outsiders and society and even doctors tend to underestimate how much control over a person's life it has. On the other hand, even if they don't admit it, they know that disorder is the enemy and not you, so eventually, they will come around. But you have to give them time, and validate their suffering, and the fact that they are not doing it on a whimp.

When things go bad with a person who has an ED, the only thing that works is working towards lowering the anxiety levels. Any action you take, think: Is this gonna make her feel safer, calmer, or am I trying con convince her, or change her? Even if what you want is the second thing, you have to work with the 1st to achieve it.

Before my GF was diagnosed with BPD, I read a lot about EDs and I was in another forum about that, and all her behavior was common to other people with EDs. You should also read about this.

If you can find a way to get counseling cheap, you can do that too, and show her that you are willing to work on yourself, and the flaws she perceibes. So that she can do that too. You are already here seeking help, and that's brave and very positive. Tell her that of course you are willing to make yourself better and get help. Don't say it's your fault, because it is not, but you can show her a way by example.

Best of luck. You are not alone.

[BPDBuddy]

Hey Mr. Mann -

Same issue I am dealing with on my end... .their distorted sense of reality. Do not argue with her on her claims as that completely works against you as I have learned the hard way. Timelines are Dangerous, you are lucky she gave you one. Most do not. My dBPDgf had an eating disorder too, that is a huge factor in their psychology.

Review S.E.T. As I know it's on the forum, and that's likely the same play for me at this point with my ex. We can't control the person, but we can control how we interact/respond to them.

She is testing you, again, two weeks is nothing compared to my 8 weeks and counting 'self discovery' PTSD psychotic breakdown. Just give her space and let her know you are there when she is ready to talk. My new rule will be when communication is via phone I am not going to discuss the relationship issues etc.

That should be done in a face to face. Too much is lost via text.