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Author Topic: Looking for help reconnecting with teen daughter  (Read 648 times)
NewtoFL

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« on: September 17, 2017, 06:25:17 PM »

Hello! I just read "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" on the recommendation of my new therapist who suspects my 17-year old might have BPD (she has not met her). After reading the book, I wholeheartedly agree and lament the years of misdiagnosis and mistreatment. To get at the heart of my question, after a year of planning a move from out of state to FL for her senior year of high school (her plea, coordinated with MANY professionals), she got cold feet at the last minute. Unfortunately, it wasn't a calm "I don't think I can do this" but a full blown "I hate everything about you and can't stand living with you for another minute" crisis. She went from living with me and her stepdad full time for the last 2+ years to moving in with the father she "hated" and spent hours with over the last year. She has cut off communication with us. I am heartbroken over not being in her life. I am fully aware this is classic BPD and that there's nothing I could have or would have done differently in the limits that were set and enforced, but I hate not having a relationship with my child. Any ideas to reconnect? The professional advice is to simply text "I love you, I miss you, I'm here" on a weekly basis. Thanks in advance for your help and support!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Feeling Better
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« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2017, 03:10:56 AM »

Hello NewtoFL

My heart goes out to you, I totally understand what you are going through. My uBPD son split me black a year ago and since then he has moved to live in another country, my only contact is by email and that is only if I contact him and there is no guarantee of a reply.

You say that professional advice is to text affirmation of your love and support on a weekly basis. That didn't work for me and my son as after about four weeks he asked me to leave him alone so I now contact him every 2-3 months to show him that I respect his wishes. Yours is a different case and I sincerely hope that weekly contact works out for you and your daughter.

I am still trying to work out how to reconnect with my son, I am learning as much as I can about BPD, that is the key, along with learning good communication skills, but I know that I am not yet ready for it, I don't know enough yet.

I'm sorry that I can't offer you any concrete advice but I most definitely can offer you support and let you know that you are not alone x
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
NewtoFL

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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2017, 01:47:19 PM »

Thank you so much for the support! It means a lot knowing I'm not alone in this challenging new dynamic.
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incadove
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« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2017, 01:33:01 AM »

Hi NewtoFL

I don't have any good answers.  I've been only through a little bit of that pain, never fully cut off.

One thing that helped me weather a few rough parts, where contact was minimal, was to volunteer with other kids who needed and wanted my help.  That helped me to stay calmer and positive and patient.  And I started posting more here!  But like I said it wasn't that bad for me in the first place. 

Hope time brings changes, and for you Feeling Better - I hope some time your DS changes his mind. 
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Lollypop
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« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2017, 02:24:38 AM »

Hi newtofl

Welcome to the forum.

I understand how you feel as I've had a few periods of no contact when my DS was younger. He's 26 now. It reached a point that I had to get help for myself. He wasn't able to listen in his high state of emotion and everything I did or said made him worse. He did the best thing he thought for himself and that was to disconnect.

I did the only thing I could do and that was to change my approach. This started with me sending him a postcard with a short note to say that I wanted him to know that I was getting help for myself and that I hoped he would too. I also sent a wish that he was well, happy and taking good care of himself. I loved him.

I can't remember how long it was but I called him a while later and asked if we could meet up for breakfast ever few weeks or once a month even, just so I knew that he was ok. He agreed. I think this was because he was curious about what I was doing and obviously hopeful that something may have changed, he got hope.

Remembering he was stuck and unable to move the situation forwards.

I started to do the hard work needed to be the parent he needdd me to be. I got to work on improving my communication and validation skills to improve the relationship.

This is me not you. We are all different. It's been a long journey and there's still problems but the skills I've learnt have helped me in a multitude of ways with improved relationships with my friends and family. It's definitely worth the investment.

How long is it since you last spoke with your daughter?
Do you have any contact with her dad and, if so, how's it going?

Hugs to you. I know it hurts.

LP
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incadove
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2017, 10:57:06 AM »


I am still trying to work out how to reconnect with my son, I am learning as much as I can about BPD, that is the key, along with learning good communication skills, but I know that I am not yet ready for it, I don't know enough yet.


Feeling Better I kept thinking about what you said, I don't know either but one thought - if the emotional reaching out is overwhelming to him, that he doesn't want to hear it, is there something that would be less pressure and only a small joy that you could send to him?  Is there something he particularly enjoyed as a kid, is he mechanical, or does he have any interests now that you know of?  Perhaps if you sent a lighthearted email with no emotional overtones and only something that might genuinely interest him, he might find that easier to respond to.

I have been thinking more recently about Marsha Lineham's 'irreverent' aspect of DBT - humor is actually part of the therapy!  which is hard, when you feel heartbroken.  but if there is some way even to switch things on him, like send that message and ask him specifically NOT to reply, perhaps that would relieve the pressure.

Good luck navigating through.  Or perhaps send him an email that you've replaced him with a rubber ducky, and you will be talking to it from now on as it is much more responsive... .
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Hisaccount
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« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2017, 02:05:46 PM »

planning a move from out of state to FL for her senior year of high school (her plea, coordinated with MANY professionals), she got cold feet at the last minute. Unfortunately, it wasn't a calm "I don't think I can do this" but a full blown "I hate everything about you and can't stand living with you for another minute" crisis.

Forgive me for asking, but she wanted to move? Then changed her mind?

Following this because I am in a very similar situation. Girlfriends D15 wanted to move, it was her idea and master plan, then decided afterwards she didn't.  Tried to stay with anyone that would take her. Her rages were amazing. That things she said and did were not okay.
Grandma she hated so much and is what instigated the move would not take her back even though D15 wanted to go there.
Her dad can't be found but she hasn't seen him in like 13 years. But she wanted to live with him.

Problem is, nobody else would take her.

So it sounds like an anxiety reaction.
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NewtoFL

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« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2017, 09:44:25 AM »

Trying to reply individually, but I don't think that's an option, right? Thank you for all the replies! I'm sorry you are going through it, but appreciate your willingness to make yourselves vulnerable to others who are newer.

Therapy has helped a lot and I agree with Lollypop who said her BP son seemed to respond positively when he heard she was getting some help and insight. After reading the BPD book, I started reading "Boundaries" with my church's couples group and it's applying more to my relationship with my daughter and is helpful! I'm hoping that by sharing my insights, she'll see that I'm trying to learn, too. We have not spoken since her disastrous visit in July. She never calls, and my attempts to call her were always met with anger, so I stopped that method of communication. Sometimes she'll text a little inside joke, and she always acknowledges my texts, for which I am grateful. My primary method of communication is through cards, and I'm following the advice from the therapist and book to not ask anything of her. Her dad is unkind (and probably BP, too). He refuses to communicate with me, even though when the shoe was on the other foot and she refused to talk to him, I kept him informed. Sigh... .can't say I'm surprised. I have no doubt he is badmouthing us to make himself look better after years of neglect.

In answer to the question from Hisaccount, yes, she wanted us to accelerate our move to FL (we weren't planning to make the move until after she graduated HS). She had great "pro's" and no "con's," but I guess the fear of the unknown was too much. Now that I've read the book, I can see how devastating it would have been for someone with BP to open themselves up to a whole new group of people and fell she STILL wasn't enough/likable, after all the years of work and improvement. The enemy of what she knew was easier than the enemy of what she didn't know. I think she may be angry that I still left when she changed her mind, so I'm working very hard to reinforce that I love her and am still here for her so it doesn't fuel her tendency to feel abandoned.

I'm happy to say I was already following Incadove's advice, and am volunteering as an after school mentor for at risk kids. I love to be able to give positive reinforcement that they likely don't get at home and it's exciting to see them gaining confidence.

Thank you again so much for the encouragement! I'm so grateful for my faith, too. I'm not sure how people get through this sort of thing without trust that God has a bigger plan for us.

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Hisaccount
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« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2017, 11:08:16 AM »

Thank you for the update and clarification.

I am really sorry, that must feel so hurtful. I am sure you were super mom too.

One thing about the personality disorder is that it is not stable, ever. At some point she will be reaching out to you. Something will happen. She will paint her dad black or some other situation will arise that she is not comfortable with and she will run to you.

In the extended family I was exposed to with my ex, a similar situation happened. Oldest D had one year of school left. Mom and Dad are military family and were relocated. They left the daughter behind at age 17 to finish last year of school with her friends. Siblings with with mom and dad.
This is not uncommon in military families, however even though it was her choice and what she fought for she still to this day says mom and dad abandoned her.
She cut them out of her life for a couple of years but now have a very strong and healthy relationship.

Since my ex was BPD I would bet her sister was too being only a couple years apart and exposed to the same upbringing.

There is hope. I know you won't give up.
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NewtoFL

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« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2017, 05:25:53 PM »

Thank you, Hisaccount! Turns out, today was that day that something happened and she reached out. She and the BF broke up and apparently she threatened harm because he told her he was going to contact me. She was calling to ask me to block him. I asked her point blank if she was going to hurt herself and she said no and admitted she'd said it to scare him. I told her that wasn't fair and he SHOULD take all threats seriously. She said she knew it was wrong and really wasn't thinking of hurting herself. I wasn't sure what else I should have said. I just told her I was sorry she was going through it but tried to avoid a pep talk or advice. I AM grateful she reached out to me, but should I have done more?
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Hisaccount
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« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2017, 09:29:23 AM »

That is awesome news.

You should not have done more. You were perfect.
She ran to you. That is the best feeling ever isn't it?
You let her know that you are concerned and care about her. You held her accountable to her actions.

Keep it short and simple otherwise there is too much room for error.

See you are supermom.

Kids are awesome but challenging. My situation is constantly shifting. My latest attempt is asking SD15 what her boyfriend would think when he sees her act like that? (when she gets one because she keeps saying she is going to go get pregnant)
She responds, "I won't act that way around him"
My response, So it is a choice and not a chemical imbalance like you keep telling us?
Curse words and slamming doors ensue. LOL
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
NewtoFL

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« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2017, 07:16:42 PM »

THANK YOU, Hisaccount! You're a blessing! I was so worried about saying something wrong. I wish I'd read your advice sooner today as I reached out to her earlier to offer comfort and she asked me to stop talking about it, but it was after she said "I appreciate what you are trying to do, but... ." so she's not completely heartless. Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm thinking about what you said about your situation and that's scary (I worked at a crisis pregnancy center and there were plenty of women/girls who purposely got pregnant to a) trap a guy, b) create an instant family, c) create unconditional love (so they think), BUT after reading that book, I've got to believe guys will see through that and after enough guys leave her, she'll have no choice but to reexamine her methods... .Anyway, that's what the book says will happen! It may take AWHILE, though. Patience for both of us!
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