Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 22, 2021, 06:01:16 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Fresh break up  (Read 3546 times)
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« on: September 22, 2017, 02:44:22 PM »

Sorry for the rant, but here goes; after two years with my B P D girlfriend, I believe this is the end, and I am MISERABLE! Can't eat , can't sleep, she has uccupied the majority of my thoughts 24 hours 7 days aw week. In those two years we have broken up , no exaggeration, dozens of times, I have been called the absolute worst names you could ever imagine, been subject to anger fits that would break the strongest person, suicide threats, drunken stupers, too numerous to count, and all the while, when things got to the ABSOLUTE breaking point, I had to leave before somethings bad REALLY happened. That leaving action triggered my B P D's abandonment issues, and according too her, that's how it goes bad. What was I supposed to do , sit there and be verbally abused? For the record, she was sexually abused as a child, had an alcoholic mother, in and out of foster homes, several physically abusive relationships, a decade long marriage which she was " supposedly" beaten at times which I now don't believe; she came at me HARD and strong, we were BOTH married at the time, and she approached me with her seductive ways, and I bit it , hook, line and sinker; we eventually moved in together, she having two adolescent children, me being quite older and not knowing how to cope with kids, but suffice to say, things went down hill FAST! Our sexual escapades in the beginning, we're like none I have EVER imagined,words like love of my life, destiny, soul mate, were tossed around on a daily basis, I told this woman I loved her more in the past two years , then I told why x wife in two decades! We fought CONSTANTLY, as the time passed the sex faded, now I am out of the house and so dam lonely and miserable, but I would go back to that hell in a minute if she asked me. Can someone PLEASE tell me how and why I would even CONSIDER GOING BACK TO THAT? I block her for a couple of days, and then hope she calls when I unblock her, my mind is TOALLY consumed with a constant barrage of " what ifs" , I am seeing a therapist, but those in between days are TORTURE! Why do I want that back? HELP?
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2017, 03:40:30 PM »

Hi Teddy1953,

Welcome to the family  

By the sounds of it you're definitely doing the right thing by posting here, as we can understand exactly why you would go back to what you describe.  The majority of us have had similar experiences here and know how you are feeling.  A BPD r/s is like no other and the fallout following a breakup from one is more difficult than after a 'normal' breakup, exactly because of the intensity and drama of the r/s and the sometimes addictive nature of it.  Intermittent reinforcement is one part of the answer to your question.  The fact that we receive glimpses of the love bombing phase where that bond was formed.  There are many other reasons why and I'm sure you'll hear from other members with their support.  It's great to hear that you are seeing a therapist and seeking support by coming here.  :)o you also have friends and family you can speak to who understand what you've been experiencing and are willing to listen to your feelings right now?  

Regards the relationship, how long has it been since you moved out and do you keep up contact with her normally when you're not blocking her as you describe?  Is this situation different to other times that you've broken up, and if so how?  (Apart perhaps from the living arrangements?)  I'm sure it must be hard for you to be removed from a family environment with her and the kids, despite it being a difficult environment to be in when there.  Try to be kind to yourself right now and accept that this is confusing and painful.  Your feelings will be all over the place and we are here to listen if you need to offload, so vent away!    

You'll also find fantastic articles and lessons to the right of the board, some which may answer more of your questions.  You'll also find it helps to read others' posts and continue to write here, as many have done before us and recovered from these r/s.  We're here to help you through this.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2017, 06:11:33 PM »

Thank you for reaching out, I REALLY appreciate it: yes I do have a friend who was sort of an acquaintance, but he saw in me exactly what he had been through, reached out to me, took me in, and educated me on what the heck I was going through, I HAD KNOW IDEA, how helpful and insightful he has been, thank god he just magically appeared and made sense of this mess; I have left " half heartedly " on several occasions, some by my own accord, others by her insistence; this last and final one just happened in the last few days, raw and STILL bleeding; my most puzzling question is how can she not take ANY FAULT in this . She totally disregards her hand in this , i.e.; the anger outbursts, suicide attempts, nights of drunken rage! One thing I forgot to mention, and I don't want to sound condescending, but she was an " exotic" dancer as well, which completes the trilogy of shame; I am quite lost and hurt at the moment, trying to make sense of it all , but it makes none, my friend has been a life saver, no I'm not suicidal by any means , but I am in a dark lonely world , thank you for your insight, I'm trying, I really am!
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2017, 06:53:36 PM »

A few days - ouch!  Yes I can feel your anguish.  Good news that you have this friend who is familiar with such a relationship who can give you some support.  Learning all you can about BPD can help you to de personalise some of the behaviours and understand more about how your ex processes things.  A good starting point is the following article, which allowed me to see the pattern in my ex's behaviour - which fit this description to a tee.  You may relate to it.

How a BPD relationship evolves
 
It's funny you mention shame, as that is quite possibly the reason your ex is unwilling to accept any fault.  To admit that would mean tolerating shame to a level which is unbearable for her.  It is a coping mechanism to instead project that fault onto someone else.  I know you are frustrated, and it's unlikely you're going to alter her stock response in those types of conversations so it would be beneficial for your own peace to let go of the need for acceptance on her part at this time.

How do you feel about the future?  Would you want to attempt to make the relationship work or are you set on this course?

Love and light x         
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2017, 09:01:19 PM »

My heart SREAMS to go back and make things right, get back the magic we once had, the loving , touching, feeling, if you will , that was so pevilant in the early stages of us; but having read what I have read, heard what I am hearing, I don't believe it is either possible, or healthy for me to be together; one IMPORTANT detail I have not mentioned, is that she is 24 years younger then me, which only further enhanced my infatuation with her; older man, young woman, 40 to be exact, which makes me 64; the cuter I saw with us was a fairy tale, I was warned on SEVERAL occasions how toxic this was, told it NEVER would end well, ignored ALLthe red flags, thought I would beat the odds, now here I sit, broken, totally alone, no self esteem, and extremely emasculated! I was on top of the world in the beginning, how hard the mighty have fallen
Logged
heartbroken03

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2017, 09:56:34 PM »

Your story mirrors mine in so many ways. The drunken rants (never abusive or aggressive though) self harm, suicidal idealisation and complete ups and downs in the relationship had me at breaking point many times but I never left. My BPD ex was also abused as a child and teenager and in many terrible situations until she met me. I spent 6 years loving her and building her up until the alcohol took over completely and she ended up very sick in hospital. Then when she couldn't drink anymore it all became too much for her to bear as she had never stayed in therapy long enough to deal with her past. And no amount of love and care from me could fix that. She's been in and out of a mental hospital for the last 6 weeks, and out of the blue 3 weeks ago she broke up with me telling me she was no longer in love with me and it wouldn't be fair on me if she stated in the relationship the way she was feeling. Totally out of the blue and felt like I had been hit by a freight train. Especially when she had been telling me that I was the reason she was still alive, and how she was falling more in love with me every day only a month before. I am now trying to break the cycle of wanting to care for her as I know she's still very unwell. This is the time when we need to look after ourselves and put ourselves first for once. Easier said than done I know!
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10304



WWW
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2017, 12:31:20 AM »

Hi Teddy1953,  

Welcome

Excerpt
have left " half heartedly " on several occasions, some by my own accord, others by her insistence; this last and final one just happened in the last few days, raw and STILL bleeding; my most puzzling question is how can she not take ANY FAULT in this . She totally disregards her hand in this ,

I can relate with the break up - make up cycle with a pwBPD. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but they can’t sustain it, it triggers the disorder. That closeness feels like their sense of self is being consumed by the r/s then they push you away. That distance then triggers abandonment fears, a pwBPD fear being abandoned then they pull you back in. That push / pull behaviour feels like crazy making behaviour. It’s tough to get off that emotional roller coaster.

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Harley Quinn mentioned that it’s good that you have a supportive friend, you’re seeing a T and you joined a puppet group. You have support this time if you commit yourself to leaving and detaching from your pwBPD. Life will stabilize again and it might even be better than before you met her, it’s not something that you see now, there have been many members that successfully detached from a pwBPD, it can be done with the help of others.

We’re here 24/7/365, there’s always someone to talk to at any hour of the day. It helps to get your story out and others can offer you advice and support and help you put the pieces of the puzzle back together, together we mend each other’s wounds.

A pwBPD will blame the world for their problems, projection is a defense mechanism where a pwBPD will project their feelings on others. She can’t cope with her feelings but he incapacity with dealing with her problems doesn’t make them your problems - it’s distortion. Try to separation,  yourself from her issues, accusations, distortions.

Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Harley Quinn also mentioned that we have a lot of articles here on the site. Read as much as you can about BPD. It’s going to do a couple of things for you, first it’s going to normalize the behaviours when you read the truth about why she acts the way that she does. Secondly, by understanding the reasons behind the behaviours you’ll find out that’s it’s not about you, it’s something that she’s going through.

At the center of the disorder is a narcissistic injury - the core wound of abandonment that has nothing to do with you, it’s something that she’s going to have to process in therapy to understand the source of the original abandonment wound.

Excerpt
My heart SREAMS to go back and make things right, get back the magic we once had, the loving , touching, feeling, if you will , that was so pevilant in the early stages of us; but having read what I have read, heard what I am hearing, I don't believe it is either possible, or healthy for me to be together;

You’re right, it’s not healthy to want to be in a r/s where you’re partner permanently idealizes you. The idealization phase of a r/s with a borderline is a phase that doesn’t last long and the intensity or length of time where you’re put in a pedestal is not the same. You gave probably noticed that those windows where she idealizes you are shorter and further apart. You have to let go of idea that she’ll return back to phase and extinguish any hope of a r/s.

You’re not the first person that saw someone that seemed helpless and you wanted to save her. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re not a doctor that can diagnose a complicated personality disorder- how were you supposed to know that she has traits of a serious mental illness? You’re not alone.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2017, 10:13:31 AM »

So how in gods name does one break this feeling of shame ! Loneliness, and constantly thinking about what she is doing , and who she is doing it with; when I project my self back into that situation I can clearly and plainly see how dis functional the whole existence was; constantly looking for praise, watching her mood swings right before my very eyes. I could see the storm coming, heard the thunder roaring, no don't get me wrong, at times we wold sit and talk to each other with such clarity and insight my hopes would immediately rise and wow, she FINALLY GETS IT , we have taken the turn off the better, on the path to a loving relationship , boy , how wrong was I , that moment was just that, a fleeting moment where she took ownership of her behavior , actually APOLOGIZED for the vial things she had said, my spirits and hopes were at an all time high! Then I must have said or did something to return back to the way it usually goes, boy was I wrong
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10304



WWW
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2017, 10:43:15 AM »

Hi Teddy1953,


I speak for myself when I say this, what works for me in my situation may help you or not. SIt and identify where the shameful feelings come from? Are they your feelings or are they feelings that she projected? We’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings, I identified that I was carried the failure of the r/s in my back and I was blaming myself, there was a lot of shame attached to that.

Let’s set the disorder aside for a few seconds and take a look at a r/s, a r/s are thousands of back and forth transactions, you relate with someone it becomes a r/s, it takes two people in a r/s  it’s 50/50. Identify what belongs to you, examine it, is there something that I can learn from this about myself, about how I relate with others, Can I bring these lessons forward into the next r/s? Leave everything else where it belongs in her court.

I think that a lot of us can identify seeing the storm coming on the horizon because we knew that the good days were going to come, we just don’t know when but when they do arrive we dread those storms, you could say that we we’re walking on eggshells at the anticipation that our exe’s can only hold it together for so long before they become emotionally dysregulated, repeat this pattern and it feels like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster.

A pwBPD are emotionally arrested at the young age of a child of about two or three and haven’t developed a sense of self, they exaggerate their feelings like a small child.

I just wanted to say that you need more time behind you.


Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
In a bad way
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 330


« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2017, 10:45:47 AM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Teddy1953 

I can totally relate to all of that, the moments of clarity where you think she finally sees the light, but you are right they are just moments. The next day it's back to square one, mine would then deny that she said what she said in her moment of clarity.
You probably didn't say or do anything wrong, I didn't need to she went from laughter to crazy in a split second leaving me wondering what just happened.
If she did have a reason it was all in her head or the usual accusing me of what she had done.
It didn't matter if she was in a good mood, I was always wondering will it be any second now, in an hour or tomorrow when she flips again.
Crazy and such a shame because the nice her was fantastic but she couldn't stay that way.
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2017, 12:05:49 PM »

What you're experiencing is acute withdrawal.  heartbroken03 describes it well with this:

Excerpt
... .felt like I had been hit by a freight train.

It's really painful and will cause you to ruminate in a big way, going back over every detail and questioning everything - mostly yourself if my experience is anything to go off.  Try to be gentle with yourself.  As  C<|||Mutt says, this is not all on you.  It takes two to tango. 

This article may help you a little as I hear a couple of these beliefs in your last post.  It includes the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  Maybe you will take solace in this if you see things you can apply to yourself at the moment and then work on letting go of these.  I found it tremendously helpful in my recovery to do this.  Let us know if any seem to fit.

Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD

Excerpt
This is the time when we need to look after ourselves and put ourselves first for once.
heartbroken03 is right.  You're getting good advice here.  Take small steps.  They add up.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2017, 06:31:32 PM »

Problem is , every article, every symptom , every reaction seems to fit the relationship I'm trying to recover from, does my pwBPD feel the same as I do, not at all, that is one of my more difficult hill to climb; how can she NOT feel the aingst and loneliness I'm feeling, I'll answer that, we were NEVER on the same page, we were NEVER a symbiotic relationship, I say I gave everything to it and she says the same; I can CLEARLY remember standing in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror after a bad one and saying , " what the heck just happened here" and the more I tried to make sense of it to her , the more she ignored my pleas and reasoning, it was almost like she didn't hear a word I said! So why , am I sitting here , alone lamenting on a relationship that was completely wrong, extremely toxic, damaging to me, wondering if I can ever be in another caring relationship, while she is most likely sizing up her next conquest, I know I'm repeating myself , I just feel the need to write this down, maybe soon it will sink in
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2017, 07:14:44 PM »

Excerpt
So why , am I sitting here , alone lamenting on a relationship that was completely wrong, extremely toxic, damaging to me, wondering if I can ever be in another caring relationship, while she is most likely sizing up her next conquest, I know I'm repeating myself , I just feel the need to write this down, maybe soon it will sink in

You are going through this pain because, for all it's faults, you were invested in this r/s.  It was real for you and you loved her.  Getting over any r/s hurts and one with such a loaded bond is even harder.  The good news is that this DOES get easier.  Others have walked this path and are still posting here to give hope to others.  You're not alone.  Many are going through this too, and although that doesn't ease your pain, it at least lets you know that you're not the only one this has happened to.  So try not to beat yourself up about feeling as you do.  It's OK to love someone who treats us badly.  It's OK to be hurt and feel lost and confused by this.  I know how hard it can be.  Go easy on yourself and find ways to self soothe.  What do you enjoy doing?  Try to find ways to connect with others and regain a little normality and peace in your life, as space and time help you to detach and gain perspective on things. 

We have a series of polls (marked with stars) on the board regards the 10 beliefs and you'll find other members sharing their perspectives on the beliefs in the article I shared.  Writing is a good outlet, so sharing here, or writing in a journal can be a positive step that many find helpful in their healing.  If reading about BPD is difficult right now, take your time and be kind to yourself.  Go at your own pace.  For me, understanding more allowed me to see that much of the behaviour was not actually about me, which gave me some relief and stopped me from blaming myself as much.  We all process things our own way, so do what is right for you.

We're here to help you along the way.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2017, 11:13:05 AM »



I would like to join the others in welcoming you. I know the type of pain, loneliness, and confusion that you are talking about.

I would also venture a guess that you're going through all of the pain because of how good the good felt to you. As Harley Quinn said, acute withdrawals.

Not to get too clinical and nerdy on you, but... .

When people get involved with someone who experiences incredibly intense emotions, they too tend to experience the intensity of emotion. The non feels so good from all of the kindness, love, and attention that they are experiencing. There is a great deal of chemical reactions that happen in our bodies at that point. We get "addicted" to the euphoric feelings. The brain tells the body to secrete a neurotransmitter called dopamine that stimulates "desire and reward." There are several other chemicals that come into play such as adrenaline and endorphins. But, I suspect that you aren't really asking for the scientific reason as to "why" are you?

While it does help some to understand what is actually going on within our bodies, most seem to want to why all of it happened, how we got sucked in, and why we have such a desire to remain in such a toxic situation. That was me. I wanted to know why I wanted someone in my life who was so clearly wrong for and damaging to me?

I didn't like that answer.

I then looked for ways to stop the emotions.

That didn't work.

So, it took time and patience and a great deal of resolve to just allow myself to feel as I was feeling. Most importantly though, I had to learn to generate the same feelings within myself that my x provided. It takes time, but if I can learn to do it, so can you.

How can we help?
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2017, 07:35:03 PM »

EXACTLY; thank you for resonding, my biggest problem is WHY this woman occupies so much of my thought process. Right now I can only think of the good, and believe me the goods were great but the bands were horrible. But looking back , the bads outweighed the goods TENFOLD! My biggest fear is that these feelings of loneliness will persist for quite somtime. And I know by reading articles on this site, she does NOT share my feelings of despair and lonliness, she's probably out now looking for the next coquest, while I sit here in a pool of self pity and the horrible feeling of total alone. I just can't shake it, it's only been several days from total break up, and I'm being told ive got some more hurdles to jump, but holy s_ _ _ ! It feels like I'll never see the light of day and get out of this FOG
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2017, 08:44:08 PM »

Oh, yeah, so many of us have said that about the fear of feeling the loneliness. I know that I thought that I'd never meet anyone like my x ever again and I'd live in a pit of despair forever more.

Isn't it strange though? It almost feels like being a junkie; wanting that 10 minutes of euphoria knowing that to have that, you'd have to endure hours of pain afterward.

What if I told you that how you have been interpreting what you've read here all wrong? What if I told you that not only does she share your feelings of despair and loneliness, but she feels them so much more intensely that you can probably ever imagine? Would that help you feel any better?

I ask, because in all likelihood, it's true. People with BPD traits tend to live a life of misery, shame, and fear. These are constant feelings that they take everywhere with them at all times. They feel emotions much more powerfully than nons. So, take how you are feeling and magnify it 1000x. That's her world that she deals with on a daily basis. Fears of abandonment and extremely intense emotions are the hallmark of BPD.

Does knowing any of that actually make you feel any better though? Does it help how you feel in any way?

I'm not sure what hurdles you're talking about having to jump, can you elaborate?

As with so many other things that you've said, which I'm sure that we can all relate to, I can remember wanting nothing more than all those thoughts and feelings to end and to just live a normal life again. The trick that I learned here was to stop thinking of it in those terms. To stop looking at the future and just look at the moment because, the moment is what I was actually living.

That's where my pain was coming from; I was looking at my past and applying it to my future. All that brought me was more pain. Live in the moment. Let each emotion flow through you. Recognize it for what it is and let it be. Don't try to control it. Don't let it control you. Smile when you remember the good. Allow yourself to be angry when you remember the bad. Understand that you feel sorrow about the lost dreams that you had. Relish in the things that you learned and experienced. Just feel what you are feeling in each moment.

Those feelings will change, and they will change rapidly. For many, they cycle. Healing isn't linear. Don't let that frustrate or discourage you. Just know that you are feeling what you are.

Many of us have learned that writing helps to get those feelings out. You'll find, literally, hundreds of thousands of posts on these boards of people just writing to give their feelings an outlet. You are doing well posting about what you are feeling. I encourage you to do more of it. We're here to listen, support, and help how and where we can.

What else are you doing to give your feelings an outlet? What are you doing to take care of yourself?
Logged
Seenowayout
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2017, 03:56:35 AM »

Hi Teddy. I'm just another voice welcoming you, telling you I was exactly where you are, and promising you it does get better. I am six months out and this board has been very helpful, along with therapy and a few friends and family -- and self discovery.

Regarding the rumination and feelings -- what I eventually found out was it wasn't worth fighting them anymore...   In a single day I would feel shame, anger, jealousy,anxiety, love, pity.  All the feelings were real and almost debilitating -- it was making me crazy. But I finally realized if I just let them come, experienced them for a little while, knowing they would pass -- it became bearable. And they still came but they became less intense. Less scary.  It was an important step in getting my life back.  It's my life!   I'm at the point now that I can deal with this in a better place

My BPD affair  also happened to me later in life. I'm 54. I was married.  It was like I was hit by a hurricane.  I've spent some time exploring why.  Takes two, right?.  What did I need?  Why did I need it?  What's real?  How do I avoid this in the future?

I'm out of this stronger than I was going in. I have boundaries.

I hope this helps.  Trust me -- like any hero in any story -- you are going through this trial to come out stronger

Foundawayout
Logged
confusedbloke
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 205


« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2017, 05:52:03 AM »

Hi Teddy - welcome also... .

You are experiencing the same thing we have all gone through.  I'm 6 weeks out of the r/s and 2 weeks ago I was still waking up with sweats / panic / anxiety... .  "what if's" are common ground "if only's" are too.  It really sucks.  I went to doctors and he gave me anti-depressants and I consulted this board.  No one really knows what its like to be with a pwBPD unless you've been there.  I was in a r/s for 2.5 years and like you, could take no more... .But yet once she had gone, the pain became worse.

Now 6 weeks on, Ive educated myself on BPD and somehow rationalised her behaviour... .its allowing me to detach and move on.  I've still a long way to go - but I'm getting there, and like all the senior members on here, one day I will be free.

Hang in there - we are here for you, and it does get better Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2017, 07:16:55 PM »

Thank you thank you thank you all so very much; your words of wisdom and support make this journey I'm on be so much more enightning; no, it doesn't make me feel better knowing that she feels this kind of anguish, actually I'm quite sure she doesn't , but that where I run into a brick wall; I've been programmed to feel like I AM the source of her problems, I am the source of her excessive drinking, I am the source of ALL that ails her, I feel GUILTY as all get out, what ifs? Oh my god I've got a million of them, but they all lead me to the Same place, as I look back , I could see myself SLOWLY diminishing in her eyes, I could feel it in her embrace, as B B KING once said " the thrill is gone" . Don't laugh but I thought she was the love of my life! My one true love ! My soul mate ! And those words were echoed several times ! How in the world can I feel so bad, I am 64 years old, a veteran, who has seen things that no one should, and yet I feel like a pimple faced , greasy haired, heart broken teenager ! I have been reading books on the subject, in therapy, have a friend , who I believe was sent to me by something out of thi world, who went through the SAME exact thing! How he saw my pain is something I'll always remember! I have gone to church a little , I'm thinking outside the box here, not looking for a miracle, but a little faith never hurt anyone, I exercise with a great bunch of guys, but it's the weekends that are so lonely, in the past , we were together , some good mostly bad, all the time, it's those times that haunt me, I know deep in my heart that hey are gone for good , but I still cling to them like a moth to a flame; I've got some work to do; again thank you all for your support
Logged
drained1996
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2017, 11:43:57 PM »

Here are a few posts that I found helpful in my journey:

"My parents loved me, but I never felt loved growing up, and it wasn't until decades later that I realized they loved me but their own stuff prevented them from communicating it, at least in a way I could hear it, so that was that.  So I'd spent my life trying to get love by "doing" instead of just "being" inherently lovable, which is what people who grew up feeling loved do, so when someone like my ex withdraws their love, for their own reasons, I freak out and scramble around trying to "fix" it, and that's happened a few times, it was just so extreme with my ex that it was undeniable and therefore useable.

So the hooks she got in me were the compassion, validation, empathy, connection and love that I'd never felt at that level, and it was a slap in the face to have all of that yanked, but now what?  So it's been a process of deciding I'm inherently lovable, treating myself that way, looking for references to support that belief, focusing on being aware and present with people I communicate with, focusing on building an empowering core and protecting it with boundaries, and then blurt mode, let's get real and see who gets to be in my life and who doesn't.  Whew!  Kinda feel tired just typing that, but it's a brand new world, the project of Me moving full speed ahead, motivated more than ever, and yes, we can feel loved, accepted and connected, and it starts with us."

"I learned:

- that i could care and feel deeply about someone else, try to give them everything they need, excuse their weaknesses and go to extreme lengths to try and rescue them

... .while ... .

- i actually ignored and denied my own needs, my own feelings, was hard on my own weaknesses, let me loose my Self and finally accepted to be bullied and be made into 'the problem'

- that i was running in circles using fantasy and denial as coping mechanisms.

- And that this was exactly the same mechanic that allowed me to stay attached to emotionally neglectfull parents when i was young.

In a way, i needed all this to happen to see the light, even though it came wrapped in a cloud of darkness"



Logged
Seenowayout
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #20 on: September 28, 2017, 11:03:07 AM »

Oh Teddy ... .

Amazing isn't it we can be brought down by the littlest of sad waifs?  Mine even CALLED herself a "poor little waif" -- when she would run away from me and "live in her car" -- read "live with a friend while I helped pay and organize the house we were building for her." 

But something inside you and me fell into that way of thinking -- "oh I'm bad, she's right, I have to work harder to help her."  Mine had me so gas lighted I believed I was bad for talking to the barmaid while she and I ate dinner together (as if I would pick up a girl in front of her -- it caused weeks of fights), or going for a run instead of napping with her (how could I be so selfish), or working an hour over time while my poor little homeless waif had nowhere to go (she could have been out buying me dinner -- but I won't belabor the point).  I honestly believed I was wrong!  I get it now -- goes back to my childhood -- oldest of six --neglected somewhat -- maybe my mom was even BPD.

You see -- it wasn't completely you.  It was her disorder.  Your role was how you related to it.   But how were you to know?  Crazy those demons wait so long to come out.

I'm telling you man you will get over this.  It will take time.  You will come out stronger

Personally, I no longer believe in "one true love"  or "soul mate".  I believe love is a verb, and like any verb -- being good at it takes practice -- there's no magic.  There are 7.5 billion people on this planet  Many many beautiful souls. 

Take care of yourself.  I think it's good you're going to Church.  Pray.  It helped me.

Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2017, 11:25:40 AM »

That was the same for me drained1996. My relationship with my x was just an extension of my searching for the love that those who were supposed to care about me never gave me. In the beginning, my x provided it, but that's because she was mirroring me. She was showing me what I was showing her - showing me love in the same way that I was showing her. It made me feel great because someone finally got me. I was finally loved. But, because it was just a mirror and not who she truly was, it was impossible to sustain. Once the mirror started to crack, it all fell apart.

As Seenowayout said, it was the understanding of my part in all of it that freed me from the pain. Once I was able to recognize my role, my actions that resulted from my trying to cling to and regain the image in the mirror, I was able to start making the necessary changes.

Even with how painful the break-up was, I can now view it all as a gift that I received.
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #22 on: September 28, 2017, 02:21:19 PM »

 So now I FINALLY understand the true meaning of " depressed" , never had it before , but man oh man , it has reared its ugly head and is staring me in the face! Everything I read, everyone I talk to, ( and I am SO sick of hearing myself complain about what this person has done to me, and I to her) I know for a FACT , that the relationship was TOXIC, I can't fix another human being, I'm not nearly as bad as what I was being told, and things will NEVER be the same; the idealization phase has passed, my armor is tarnishid, and I have been unceremoniously knocked off the pedestal; those last two things are the ones that hurt the most, a fall from grace , o k, but this was not in the brochure. I thought I was signing up for the " rest of my life" , but that was cut short. I'm repeating myself, it just seems some what theraputic to write things down, and actually read what a mess this has become . What happened to the DO OVER button we were supposed to get? Lol !
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2017, 02:48:43 PM »

Oh, I've pressed the DO OVER button several times in my relationships. More than once, I wish that I had just hit delete instead... .
Logged
drained1996
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2017, 03:50:34 PM »

Excerpt
What happened to the DO OVER button we were supposed to get? Lol !

You actually got DO OVER button, you just don't see that yet.  You'll get the chance to heal yourself not only from the grief of this relationship, but from the parts of your past that helped you to be susceptible to a relationship with a borderline.  

Excerpt
I know for a FACT , that the relationship was TOXIC, I can't fix another human being, I'm not nearly as bad as what I was being told, and things will NEVER be the same

Those are some good facts that you realize... .You're doing well... .even though it may not feel that way.  Allow some self-compassion at this time as what you have gone and are going through is  extremely difficult for anyone.  We here know... .as we've all either been there or are there at some stage.  I found that sharing my thoughts and feelings here was very therapeutic.  Keep sharing, we are here     It does get better... .we promise.  
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2017, 05:55:14 PM »

Forgive me if I repeat myself, just need an outlet; yes, I wish I had hit that DELETE button many many months ago, when my fingertips was hovering over it, we ALWAYS found an excuse to get back together; push, pull, push, pull, CONSTANTLY! Always being accused of not giving enough, financially, and most assuredly , emotionally; as I look back I could almost pinpoint the actual day when the REAL devaluation began, I was too wrapped up in trying to make things right; now don't get me wrong, I was at times not the most agreeable , and if you ask her the entire time of our existence together, was all bad BECAUSE OF ME! On RARE occasions she would take ownership of any wrong doing, and the times that she did, it was like a reprieve from execution; but just like every other emotion she possessed, it was gone in a flash, two days later, back at it again; she was going to therapy , and the few times that she went, she would come home looking and sounding great! But for some reason she stopped going , I said I would pay for it, but that was not enough to get her back; I remember sitting on the porch and TELLING her, I believed she was B P D, she agreed , and said she had been told that before! SO WHAT THE HECK! How and why would she not bring that to the fore front in our discussions, recognize it , deal with it, and conquer it, and at least give me some help in dealing with it; NOTHING! Never had the conversation again, pushed under the rug, but at any given time IT WAS ALWAYS ME !
Logged
drained1996
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #26 on: September 29, 2017, 07:06:19 AM »

Excerpt
I remember sitting on the porch and TELLING her, I believed she was B P D, she agreed , and said she had been told that before! SO WHAT THE HECK! How and why would she not bring that to the fore front in our discussions, recognize it , deal with it, and conquer it, and at least give me some help in dealing with it; NOTHING! Never had the conversation again, pushed under the rug, but at any given time IT WAS ALWAYS ME !

I believe you know the answer to all this.  They loathe themselves and thus introspection would cause them immense pain... .a pain they are unwilling and probably unable to face even in the light of knowing they suffer from a severe mental illness.  Best for them in their eyes to sweep it under the rug and project any feelings of guilt along to... .well... .us.  
You're in the bleeding stage of this injury, and you are doing well putting pressure on the wound by seeing a T, using this website as a support group, going to church, etc.  It'll stop bleeding soon, which will allow you to begin some healing.  This after all is a serious and deep cut, and we must care for it that way.  Time heals a lot, especially when we are willing to do the necessary "rehab" and look at our part in the dysfunction to figure out where that came from and how we may remedy that in the future.  It does get better... .we promise.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #27 on: September 29, 2017, 07:57:22 AM »

Excerpt
On RARE occasions she would take ownership of any wrong doing, and the times that she did, it was like a reprieve from execution; but just like every other emotion she possessed, it was gone in a flash, two days later, back at it again; she was going to therapy , and the few times that she went, she would come home looking and sounding great! But for some reason she stopped going

Teddy, this is a frustrating thing to deal with, for sure.  I can empathise, as I've been in the situation of seeing a partner begin to make progress only to decide that they were no longer going to therapy.  So disappointing to us as the partner who wants only the best for that person.  Yet only the individual can decide that they are willing to commit to change and change can be a scary thing for many people, not just a pwBPD.  Accepting that large scale change is needed and interpreting this as the way she has been living her life and coping has been 'the wrong way' would be like admitting that 'she' is wrong in herself and that can lead to shame.  An intolerable feeling for a pwBPD.  It's a cruel catch 22 and so hard to handle when the person you love is choosing self destruct over future happiness.

Unfortunately we must accept that this is beyond our control.  What is under our control is ourselves, what we do now and how we use this situation to create positive outcomes for us.  I'd encourage you to take a look at the Lessons which will help you to see that what you're experiencing is normal and allow you to check on how you're doing.  Knowing where we are with this ensures we don't get stuck, and more so I feel, allows us to give ourselves a well deserved pat on the back when we don't!

The day will arrive when you begin to notice how little you miss the drama and how much you value ease and peace in your life.  For now, let the feelings and thoughts come and go, vent here and take good care of yourself.  

Love and light x    
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #28 on: September 30, 2017, 08:32:39 AM »

Two weeks ago we had decided to break up for GOOD, this time, she told me she was truly " sorry" , and that she could no ,on gear be with a person who had put her through what I had for the last three years. I did not argue , I agreed and said PLEASE don't call me, no more texts, no contact whatsoever, her response was one word, " agreed". I subsequently blocked her so I would NOT sit around waiting for her to call, tell me she had seen the light, and things would be as they were in the beginning, I know deep in my heart that that is not possible. The following Sunday I decided to go to church, and see what it was all about; I was there for an hour, by the time I got back to my house, she was there in the driveway waiting, she had tried to call nineteen times! I was taken aback and asked her what the hell she was doing, her response was " she just wanted to here my voice, and she couldn't " let go"! W T H ! I was already bleeding emotionally, depressed, and now THIS! That one small encounter set me tail spinning back to the very beginning ! I should have got angry, but I was in a weakened emotional place, and I asked her to leave, and I would call her later, of course I never did, but seeing her in the driveway, I must admit, my heart jumped, and I was excited! But also seeing her, which I have been really trying to avoid, TOTALLY messed with my head! I have composed a letter, ( haven't sent it) about how I feel and know that she suffers from this affliction, her behavior, her actions, to a TEE, are all outlined in it. I feel like she should know, even though it will do ABSOLUTELY no good whatsoever, I truly feel that as my swan song SOMEONE should tell her how crappy this experience was. Vindication, closure, call it what you want, I want to send it, any thoughts?
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #29 on: September 30, 2017, 09:35:20 AM »

How about posting it here?  We could help you to work through the letter if you're determined to send it and advise on the content or else you may feel that 'putting it out there' is sufficient to get this stuff off your chest.  I think you know deep inside that it is unlikely to be met with a favourable response, if any.  If you received  a letter that for all intents and purposes seemed to be describing all of the issues someone has with you, what would you do with the letter and how likely is it that you'd be receptive to the information within and take it on board?  Most of us in fairness would dismiss it as an attack from a bitter ex and give it no further thought.  It could actually exacerbate her denial about the need to change.  

Also, and I say this as someone who has been there, it is worth asking yourself if DEEP DOWN you may be hoping that this 'does the trick' and sets the wheels of change in motion so that you can salvage a future r/s.

For now, I'd suggest you post the letter here and vent that way.  There is no rush to act and you may feel differently with a little time under your belt.

In the case of some of our exes, a letter that could be interpreted as abusive might cause a backlash that isn't worth the relief of sending.

Finally, if you've requested no contact, breaking that boundary yourself would be like opening a door that you could struggle to shut.  If seeing her once had such an effect on you, imagine if this became a regular occurrence. 

Definitely sleep on it.

Love and light x  
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2017, 09:42:47 AM »

HQ is right, you really need to consider the motivation for wanting to send the letter.

You mentioned vindication, how will you feel vindicated? You said that she told you that she feels that you put her through a lot over the past three years. Do you think that knowing that she feels that you are putting her through more will make you feel any better?

How do you think that it might bring you closure? Do you think that will come from telling her how you feel? My guess is that you've told her more than once over the past few years how you felt. Why would the outcome be any different this time?
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #31 on: September 30, 2017, 11:44:40 AM »

In my heart of hearts, I knew that would be the general consensus , I wrote it last night, and as I have read it over and over several times today, my attitude it has softened. It is a little harsh, but I've taken excerpts from some books I have been reading, and quoted them word for word. As I was writing it last night I said to myself, " how in the world could she not see that this is HER"? But as you people have said, she's been doing this her entire life, why would some unflattering words from someone, who she has ALREADY dismissed, be a life changing statement. I just felt the need to speak my peace, she has credited me for making the last three years of her life miserable, when in reality, my actions were merely REACTIONS to her behavior. Do I want a miraculous change in her, am I looking for her to say, " he's right" , that I know for a FACT will not happen, it's merely for my own stupid pride, which at the moment, I don't have a lot of; inwill not post it, it just felt good saying it, even if no one was listening ; thank you for your input
Logged
drained1996
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #32 on: September 30, 2017, 12:31:19 PM »

We are listening 
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #33 on: September 30, 2017, 04:43:33 PM »

drained1996 is right - we are and if you would still like to share it here to lay it to rest, feel free.  It is cathartic to write things down and some members write letters they would like to send here as a record for themselves of how they were feeling at that particular time.  Whatever helps you.  I used to write down in a little notebook things that popped into my head so I could look back some day and still be able to draw upon important memories and realisations, lest they be forgotten forever.  I've learned so much on this journey I felt I wanted to capture these lessons.  The things that are so present in your mind today will slowly drift away.  Most of all, acknowledge and accept your feelings.  They will change and it's OK to be angry or sad.  We can cycle through these emotions and that's OK too.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #34 on: September 30, 2017, 08:47:40 PM »

Yes, I now see that hq, is I re read what I've written down over the last couple of days, it seems so mean and hateful, and that's not me at all, which is most likely why I'm in this situation now; I'm not a mean vindictive, angry person and my B P D sensed that from the very begging, the more I read what I have written, the more I say to myself, that's not me, what good is this going to do , why would I go out of my way to hurt someone, it won't make me feel any better; truth is , it makes me even my sad, because believe it or not, I care for this woman STILL! I'm not capable of turning the love button on and off as I see fit, where as my B P D x, has that ability at the drop of a hat. I'll not send them , I'll let this chapter of my life die a slow and painful death, on my part at least, my wounds are still raw, I'm waiting for the day that they will heal, but this has touched me in a way I've never had to deal with before; thank you for your time and patience
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #35 on: October 01, 2017, 02:49:26 PM »

Excerpt
this has touched me in a way I've never had to deal with before

That's why we're here.  Because we all have been where you are and wouldn't wish it on anyone.  It is like no other breakup.  Yet in time you too will find that it can be a gift also.  At the moment, keep the pressure on that wound and allow yourself to grieve.  It's not unbelievable to love someone who treated us badly.  That's OK.  The loss of a loved one is very difficult and painful.  Be kind to yourself and listen to your needs.  It can be hard to do the normal things yet you really must at present push yourself to go through the motions and in time it will become less forced.  Are you involved in anything in your local area?  How do you spend your time? 

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Seenowayout
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #36 on: October 01, 2017, 03:10:30 PM »

Teddy -- I'm glad you were able to write all that down, not send it, and then read it later,  when some time had passed. See -- emotions come and go. And it must have been insightful to see what kinds of emotions this can bring out in YOU.    It's interesting how they can "push our buttons" like no one else -- and we end up saying or doing things so outside of our own beliefs because of their pushing

If she is BPD maybe it's because something terrible happened to her long ago. And we can continue the horrible infection by spreading more hurt back AND FORTH -- backward to her and forward to someone else maybe -- or we can be true to our selves and maybe, just maybe, our example of love can be a quiet inspiration to our exBPDs. Or at least it stops the infection in us and with us.  Love conquers all. Real love
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #37 on: October 01, 2017, 05:23:43 PM »

WOW! Thank you so very much " seenowayout" that was so well said and so insightful,, yes she has had a MISERABLE past, abuse, abandonment, at least that's what I'm being told, but it is most likely the truth ; that my friend is the meaning of compassion, when I wrote all of that down , initially, I felt like I had made peace, but after reading it over and over, and sitting on it, ( thanks to you good people) the mor mean spirited and cruel it became , AND THAT IS NOT ME! I wanted her to feel the pain , rejection , and lonliness I was feeling, but believing she feels the same way I do at this moment, is not realistic. I keep saying to myself, she's going to crash and burn any day now, and that's also cruel. I don't want revenge, I just want to be RELEASED from this crap.Theres a small part of me that wishes she would just move on to the next WHITE KNIGHT and at least that would give me some closure, I think! Now I know the pain she put her x through when she was running around with me, and also the pain I put MY x through as well. KARMA, she's always there
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #38 on: October 01, 2017, 06:35:23 PM »

H Q; yes I am going through the motions , it seems the outside world is in slow motion! This has been the LONGEST WEEKEND EVER! I have WAY to much spare time, as I've previously stated, my x wanted my undivided time , and attention, so much that I WAS THE ONE BEING SMOTHERED; I justified her behavior by saying , " she loves me that much she wants to spend every minute with me" . I force myself to go to the gym , my only release, as I sat in church today, all I could think of was my failed relationship, during the week I have work to occupy my time, but most of the day I'm in a fog , thinking of the past, really really sucks, I CANT FOCUS !
Logged
drained1996
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #39 on: October 01, 2017, 11:35:09 PM »

Excerpt
I just want to be RELEASED from this crap. There's a small part of me that wishes she would just move on to the next WHITE KNIGHT and at least that would give me some closure, I think!

Closure is something you're going to have to do for yourself.  Searching for and hoping they participate in some form of closure that would satisfy our wants and needs most likely will not occur.  Of course, that's part of our own problem... .the inability to release something we know is not good for us... .and quite frankly we do not want... .we just feel that way at times.  
Learning to release is part of detachment.  
Ask yourself... .why would you want to continue an attachment with someone who constantly causes you pain?
You deserve better, and you logically know that... .your brain tells you that, but your heart says something else.  You're heart will catch up with your brain.
Why is your heart stuck with someone who would treat you as you have been treated?  My T asked me that more than one time... .I never had a good answer. Through my own process... .I've learned why I was that way.
I loved my pwBPD, and she loved me to the best of her ability... .which simply was not good enough... .and that's ok.  I finally found it was time to look after me... .after a life of trying to please everyone else.
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10304



WWW
« Reply #40 on: October 06, 2017, 08:23:45 PM »

Excerpt
Learning to release is part of detachment. 
Ask yourself... .why would you want to continue an attachment with someone who constantly causes you pain?

That’s a very good question   Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) draine1996  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Teddy1953 mentioned being in the FOG. I don’t that there many members here that can’t relate with going back to our owBPD like a moth to a flame, there more that you detach the further that you’ll drift away from the fog. Talking to others her will also help you get feedback that will ground you.

How’s your week been Tesdy1953? Did you struggle with your concentration?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #41 on: October 07, 2017, 08:20:52 AM »

Yes focus and concentration was a difficult task. REALLY thought I was in some sort of depression, or anxiety issues, have only experienced that years ago during my struggles with another past experience ; went to dr. Got an anti depressant , nothing heavy , just something to take the edge off, can't tell if it's working or not, giving it a few more days, my mind ALWAYS seems to wander back to her, I have to force myself to think of the bad times we had, and they were plentiful, but my mind always goes in the opposite direction , feeling so very alone, and not knowing if I will ever be able to carry on a meaningful and healthy relationship with anyone else; I feel so DAMAGED, used, and of course, alone ! But I will continue the fight, can't give up
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #42 on: October 07, 2017, 08:48:06 AM »

  I too felt damaged and broken after the antics of my ex and I can assure you that as you build yourself back up piece by piece that feeling fades.  It is a conscious effort to take steps forwards and rebuild yourself, and those steps add up before you know it.  One day you will stop and think 'actually, I've done well to reach this point' and that will be the day the tide turns.  Try to celebrate small successes.  Like doing something you would have done together, rather than avoiding it.  Also doing something new that is just for you.  Perhaps an interest that you've not yet explored.  Connecting with others is really valuable as it gives you that feeling of being nurtured and soothed.  So I looked around at what was available in my area and got signed up to things.  Stuff that was appropriate to my own healing journey.  Consider this as you can feel proud of yourself for venturing into the unknown and it gives you a firm foundation on which to build a new life full of infinite possibilities, therefore gradually removing the bleak and empty feeling that can accompany such a breakup.

It's good to hear that you saw your doctor and decided to accept some help in the form of medication.  It can take a couple of weeks to get into your system, so give it chance to take effect.  I take an SSRI and it has helped me enormously.  Were you also offered any talking therapy?

Love and light x 
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #43 on: October 07, 2017, 10:14:31 AM »

Hi Teddy

Sorry to hear your going through this. I like many others here have been there and understand just how painful this is for you.

To answer your question "why would you want to go back?" I will pose another question. Why does a heroin addict go back?

The long and the short of it is that we became addicted to them. Not in a hypothetical way but in a real chemical addiction way. The endorphins and other feel good hormones they caused us to produce we became hooked on. That's why I found myself staying longer than I should have just for the chance of another hit of the good stuff.

For me this explanation helped me to come to terms with things. It may not be for you but there are articles here that compare the lovesick brain to that of a person going through drug withdrawal.
Logged

Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #44 on: October 07, 2017, 10:38:29 AM »

Yes H Q, have also been seeing therapist as well; what boggles my mind is , therapy, medication, church, how can one human being have this much adverse effect on ME? My god I have been through a lot worst then this , life or death situations were common place for me at one point in my life; now I'm on melds , therapy, OVER A WOMAN! I just don't get it!
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10304



WWW
« Reply #45 on: October 07, 2017, 11:46:02 AM »

Excerpt
went to dr. Got an anti depressant , nothing heavy , just something to take the edge off, can't tell if it's working or not, giving it a few more days,

Talk to your MD or GP, you may need to change the dosage, it can take a month until you feel the effects.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Seenowayout
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #46 on: October 07, 2017, 01:14:46 PM »

My god I have been through a lot worst then this , life or death situations were common place for me at one point in my life; now I'm on melds , therapy, OVER A WOMAN! I just don't get it!

You're not alone teddy. I ask myself this everyday.   The more time goes by, the more my head clears, the more I reconnect with my old life and my old friends and even take on new interests -- i look back and I go "what the heck was that?" Also the more I realize the addiction analogy is a good one.  We all have our weakness. Before I met my ex -- I thought I was invincible. Strong enough to fix her in fact!  Jokes on us isn't it?  Or is it?  I'm feeling strong again.  Strong enough to admit I am weak  strong enough to know I did my best  strong enough to know one day at a time I will build a world of real love.  I won't sugar coat it -- six months on there isn't a day that I don't think about her.  But as bad as the pain has been -- I feel my life is better for it.  It's taught me things about myself I didn't really know.  Wish I learned it 30 years ago but cest la vie.

Anyway -- the fact that a woman can bring you down says sit of positive about you in my mind. Don't beat yourself up about it
Logged
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #47 on: October 08, 2017, 12:21:08 PM »

At the beginning of this break up I could not for the life of me understand why this break up was so so emotionally charged, why was I so heart broken, why the intense felling some of despair and loniiness, but being on this site, and some well placed therapy I am SLOWLY seeing why this person has effected me so deeply. It doesn't make my plight any easier, in fact at times I struggle to understand why me? But as I'm learning , I was ripe for the picking, I was vulnerable , I was looking for that adoration that I had never experienced IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Yes it is a drug, it is an addiction, it is so very intoxicating I'd sell my soul for another hit! But I know in my heart, it will never be the same, that intense love I had for this person still remains in my heart, but it is wasted and not to be ; that's where I struggle the most, it just feels hopeless to try again
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #48 on: October 08, 2017, 02:51:11 PM »

Teddy, turn the intense love towards yourself now.  If we can do this, then we can heal ourselves and be healthier, which in turn can in time attract a healthier mate if that is what we seek.  Someone who's core values align with our own.  It's great that you are in therapy.  Keep doing the work.  It's so worth it.  You are worth it. 

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Seenowayout
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #49 on: October 08, 2017, 04:00:17 PM »

Yes. Love yourself. The love you showered on this other person shows you are full of love, real selfless love, that you are a good man.
Logged
drained1996
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #50 on: October 09, 2017, 11:58:47 PM »

Excerpt
that intense love I had for this person still remains in my heart, but it is wasted and not to be ; that's where I struggle the most, it just feels hopeless to try again

It's not wasted... .you've shown yourself you can love intensely.  It's where that love falls next is the question.  In my own journey that love had to fall into myself.  I had to learn to love me.  I'm still a work in progress, but taking those first steps was very empowering.  Once you begin to love yourself (in a healthy manner) you begin to radiate your good vibes to those around you.  In time, those radiations of good grounded values and self esteem will offer you opportunities... .opportunities that may lead to a healthy adult relationship.  It's not hopeless... .there is time involved... .and some work on your end that I'm pretty sure you are doing.  Keep it up, and be compassionate with yourself.  Any human who has just been through hell and met the devil needs some time to take notes, assess everything, and begin to make a plan to move forward to a better and brighter future.  With your therapy and support here, you're off to a tremendous start.  Keep sharing... .we are here.   

Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10304



WWW
« Reply #51 on: October 10, 2017, 02:08:35 PM »

Excerpt
Once you begin to love yourself (in a healthy manner) you begin to radiate your good vibes to those around you.  In time, those radiations of good grounded values and self esteem will offer you opportunities... .opportunities that may lead to a healthy adult relationship

That's a good point. I have a girlfriend now and I had someone else interested in me and I asked them both, what attracted you and they both said "You give off good vibes" You start to attract people that are similar to you when you practice self compassion, you attract someone that doesn't have your best interest at heart and is toxic but that's where your boundaries fall into place.

Boundaries is also an act of self compassion. Imagine and invisible fence around you that serves to protect your morals and values. A simple explanation is that it keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. If you take good care of yourself, loved ones will notice and that may rub off on them, it makes others around you feel good. Take really good care of yourself Teddy1953.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #52 on: October 11, 2017, 02:27:21 PM »

At one point in my life , I was quite sure of myself, and was ALWAYS a source of " good vibes" ! All of my self esteem, confidence, positive attitude, and my zest for life feels like it's been SUCKED out of me with this break up. I'm sick of hearing myself complain and whine about POOR ME; with all the suffering and tragedy in the world today, my issues seem so self centered and pitiful, but I guess that's just the state of mind I am in at the moment; here's a question, after a break up with a B P D, do they take on the attitude that you can now become " friends" , and act like this was just " one of those things" that didn't work out. Do they have that ability to change gears so QUICKLY? As I've read on this site, are they already looking for the next WHITE KNIGHT, are they climbing the relationship ladder higher to the next step? I have no false allusions my x feels the same remorse and regret as I am feeling, I'm just REALLY sick of this funk I'm in , trying to dig out of this self imposed hole
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #53 on: October 11, 2017, 05:30:27 PM »

A lot of members find that their exes have another person somewhere in the wings or move on quickly to somebody new.  I wouldn't think of it as moving higher up the ladder - more like resetting back to the start of what your r/s would have been like - the idealisation stage.  Fear of abandonment is a massive part of the suffering for a pwBPD and being alone and feeling unable to cope by themselves can be unbearable.  So it is possible that someone else can be in the picture very quickly.  That isn't always the case though.  Does your question arise from suspicions about your ex in particular or is it more about understanding and laying things to rest?

I know it's awful to find yourself in a place emotionally and mentally that feels abnormal to you compared to the past and it can seem to be dragging you down.  Reaching a point where you're tired of it sounds like a positive as this is where motivation arises to move out of that place.  It isn't an overnight task and takes conscious effort, but perhaps this is a turning point showing itself.  What will help you to regain some more balance do you think?

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #54 on: October 11, 2017, 06:21:09 PM »

Thanks H Q; no my question is merely trying to understand the mind set of the B P D thinking process, if there is another in the picture, I have no idea, and quite frankly, it would be a burden of my mind to know she has moved on; and yes , I am tired of hearing myself complain and whine, I'm a grown man for peters sake, I should be ready for this type of thing, but I'm not , obviously, the more I learn about the disorder the more sense I can make of this , I find myself reading an article and saying, " good lord" that's her too a tee! The balance in my life will come from within, I'm not ready for another relationship, NO WAY, it wouldn't be fair to that person, I'm not WHOLE, I'm not where I need or want to be, I CANNOT rely on another person for my happiness, got to dig deep and find it within myself; easier said then done
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2838


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #55 on: October 11, 2017, 06:49:09 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  I hear progress in these statements Teddy, even if you're feeling rubbish about these things right now.  Recognition and self awareness is a really positive thing and shows growth from the initial pain.  Yes it takes work and the result can be having the life you do want.  In some ways going through an experience like this is like life handing you a gift wrapped in barbed wire.  Once the cuts are healed there can be something wonderful to find on the inside.

It's good to hear that you're not wanting to head into a r/s until you feel in a better place for yourself.  That would not be doing yourself justice either, feeling as you do.  I'm 9 months out and would not want to get involved with anyone yet for the foreseeable future.  Not until I am ready and have done the work on myself to my own satisfaction.  If and when I then meet someone else, I will be able to state my truth, define and maintain my boundaries and be emotionally healthy.  This is a chance to shape your future life, so focus on what you DO want and aim for that. 

Love and light x     
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Teddy1953

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #56 on: October 13, 2017, 06:22:38 PM »

Thank you H Q, yes there is SOME progress, but it's hard earned! It's difficult peeling the layers off of oneself and trying to make some sense of what went on during these past three years of my life. I catch myself at times thinking of the way it used to be , good times of course, but when I sit back and REALLY analyze the complexity of the constant push and pull of our relationship , the reality strikes home and I talk to myself out loud and say " I cannot allow myself to be in that situation". My therapy has proven to me these feelings that have been lying dormant for so long, have resurfaced because of the intensity of my x 's idealization stage, it was something I was craving for YEARS, albeit short lived, and not genuine, it took me to a level I had never been before, and as the rug was pulled out from under me, I CRASHED , hard and alone! I still try to avoid seeing her out and about, but I feel I must get that first initial sighting behind me  so I can put it to rest. Still have lots of self work to do, thank you for listening
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11044


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #57 on: October 14, 2017, 10:31:57 PM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked due to reaching its post limit.  Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!