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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Teddy1953

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« on: September 22, 2017, 02:44:22 PM »

Sorry for the rant, but here goes; after two years with my B P D girlfriend, I believe this is the end, and I am MISERABLE! Can't eat , can't sleep, she has uccupied the majority of my thoughts 24 hours 7 days aw week. In those two years we have broken up , no exaggeration, dozens of times, I have been called the absolute worst names you could ever imagine, been subject to anger fits that would break the strongest person, suicide threats, drunken stupers, too numerous to count, and all the while, when things got to the ABSOLUTE breaking point, I had to leave before somethings bad REALLY happened. That leaving action triggered my B P D's abandonment issues, and according too her, that's how it goes bad. What was I supposed to do , sit there and be verbally abused? For the record, she was sexually abused as a child, had an alcoholic mother, in and out of foster homes, several physically abusive relationships, a decade long marriage which she was " supposedly" beaten at times which I now don't believe; she came at me HARD and strong, we were BOTH married at the time, and she approached me with her seductive ways, and I bit it , hook, line and sinker; we eventually moved in together, she having two adolescent children, me being quite older and not knowing how to cope with kids, but suffice to say, things went down hill FAST! Our sexual escapades in the beginning, we're like none I have EVER imagined,words like love of my life, destiny, soul mate, were tossed around on a daily basis, I told this woman I loved her more in the past two years , then I told why x wife in two decades! We fought CONSTANTLY, as the time passed the sex faded, now I am out of the house and so dam lonely and miserable, but I would go back to that hell in a minute if she asked me. Can someone PLEASE tell me how and why I would even CONSIDER GOING BACK TO THAT? I block her for a couple of days, and then hope she calls when I unblock her, my mind is TOALLY consumed with a constant barrage of " what ifs" , I am seeing a therapist, but those in between days are TORTURE! Why do I want that back? HELP?
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« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2017, 03:40:30 PM »

Hi Teddy1953,

Welcome to the family  

By the sounds of it you're definitely doing the right thing by posting here, as we can understand exactly why you would go back to what you describe.  The majority of us have had similar experiences here and know how you are feeling.  A BPD r/s is like no other and the fallout following a breakup from one is more difficult than after a 'normal' breakup, exactly because of the intensity and drama of the r/s and the sometimes addictive nature of it.  Intermittent reinforcement is one part of the answer to your question.  The fact that we receive glimpses of the love bombing phase where that bond was formed.  There are many other reasons why and I'm sure you'll hear from other members with their support.  It's great to hear that you are seeing a therapist and seeking support by coming here.  :)o you also have friends and family you can speak to who understand what you've been experiencing and are willing to listen to your feelings right now?  

Regards the relationship, how long has it been since you moved out and do you keep up contact with her normally when you're not blocking her as you describe?  Is this situation different to other times that you've broken up, and if so how?  (Apart perhaps from the living arrangements?)  I'm sure it must be hard for you to be removed from a family environment with her and the kids, despite it being a difficult environment to be in when there.  Try to be kind to yourself right now and accept that this is confusing and painful.  Your feelings will be all over the place and we are here to listen if you need to offload, so vent away!    

You'll also find fantastic articles and lessons to the right of the board, some which may answer more of your questions.  You'll also find it helps to read others' posts and continue to write here, as many have done before us and recovered from these r/s.  We're here to help you through this.

Love and light x
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2017, 06:11:33 PM »

Thank you for reaching out, I REALLY appreciate it: yes I do have a friend who was sort of an acquaintance, but he saw in me exactly what he had been through, reached out to me, took me in, and educated me on what the heck I was going through, I HAD KNOW IDEA, how helpful and insightful he has been, thank god he just magically appeared and made sense of this mess; I have left " half heartedly " on several occasions, some by my own accord, others by her insistence; this last and final one just happened in the last few days, raw and STILL bleeding; my most puzzling question is how can she not take ANY FAULT in this . She totally disregards her hand in this , i.e.; the anger outbursts, suicide attempts, nights of drunken rage! One thing I forgot to mention, and I don't want to sound condescending, but she was an " exotic" dancer as well, which completes the trilogy of shame; I am quite lost and hurt at the moment, trying to make sense of it all , but it makes none, my friend has been a life saver, no I'm not suicidal by any means , but I am in a dark lonely world , thank you for your insight, I'm trying, I really am!
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2017, 06:53:36 PM »

A few days - ouch!  Yes I can feel your anguish.  Good news that you have this friend who is familiar with such a relationship who can give you some support.  Learning all you can about BPD can help you to de personalise some of the behaviours and understand more about how your ex processes things.  A good starting point is the following article, which allowed me to see the pattern in my ex's behaviour - which fit this description to a tee.  You may relate to it.

How a BPD relationship evolves
 
It's funny you mention shame, as that is quite possibly the reason your ex is unwilling to accept any fault.  To admit that would mean tolerating shame to a level which is unbearable for her.  It is a coping mechanism to instead project that fault onto someone else.  I know you are frustrated, and it's unlikely you're going to alter her stock response in those types of conversations so it would be beneficial for your own peace to let go of the need for acceptance on her part at this time.

How do you feel about the future?  Would you want to attempt to make the relationship work or are you set on this course?

Love and light x         
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2017, 09:01:19 PM »

My heart SREAMS to go back and make things right, get back the magic we once had, the loving , touching, feeling, if you will , that was so pevilant in the early stages of us; but having read what I have read, heard what I am hearing, I don't believe it is either possible, or healthy for me to be together; one IMPORTANT detail I have not mentioned, is that she is 24 years younger then me, which only further enhanced my infatuation with her; older man, young woman, 40 to be exact, which makes me 64; the cuter I saw with us was a fairy tale, I was warned on SEVERAL occasions how toxic this was, told it NEVER would end well, ignored ALLthe red flags, thought I would beat the odds, now here I sit, broken, totally alone, no self esteem, and extremely emasculated! I was on top of the world in the beginning, how hard the mighty have fallen
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heartbroken03

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« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2017, 09:56:34 PM »

Your story mirrors mine in so many ways. The drunken rants (never abusive or aggressive though) self harm, suicidal idealisation and complete ups and downs in the relationship had me at breaking point many times but I never left. My BPD ex was also abused as a child and teenager and in many terrible situations until she met me. I spent 6 years loving her and building her up until the alcohol took over completely and she ended up very sick in hospital. Then when she couldn't drink anymore it all became too much for her to bear as she had never stayed in therapy long enough to deal with her past. And no amount of love and care from me could fix that. She's been in and out of a mental hospital for the last 6 weeks, and out of the blue 3 weeks ago she broke up with me telling me she was no longer in love with me and it wouldn't be fair on me if she stated in the relationship the way she was feeling. Totally out of the blue and felt like I had been hit by a freight train. Especially when she had been telling me that I was the reason she was still alive, and how she was falling more in love with me every day only a month before. I am now trying to break the cycle of wanting to care for her as I know she's still very unwell. This is the time when we need to look after ourselves and put ourselves first for once. Easier said than done I know!
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2017, 12:31:20 AM »

Hi Teddy1953,  

Welcome

Excerpt
have left " half heartedly " on several occasions, some by my own accord, others by her insistence; this last and final one just happened in the last few days, raw and STILL bleeding; my most puzzling question is how can she not take ANY FAULT in this . She totally disregards her hand in this ,

I can relate with the break up - make up cycle with a pwBPD. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but they can’t sustain it, it triggers the disorder. That closeness feels like their sense of self is being consumed by the r/s then they push you away. That distance then triggers abandonment fears, a pwBPD fear being abandoned then they pull you back in. That push / pull behaviour feels like crazy making behaviour. It’s tough to get off that emotional roller coaster.

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Harley Quinn mentioned that it’s good that you have a supportive friend, you’re seeing a T and you joined a puppet group. You have support this time if you commit yourself to leaving and detaching from your pwBPD. Life will stabilize again and it might even be better than before you met her, it’s not something that you see now, there have been many members that successfully detached from a pwBPD, it can be done with the help of others.

We’re here 24/7/365, there’s always someone to talk to at any hour of the day. It helps to get your story out and others can offer you advice and support and help you put the pieces of the puzzle back together, together we mend each other’s wounds.

A pwBPD will blame the world for their problems, projection is a defense mechanism where a pwBPD will project their feelings on others. She can’t cope with her feelings but he incapacity with dealing with her problems doesn’t make them your problems - it’s distortion. Try to separation,  yourself from her issues, accusations, distortions.

Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Harley Quinn also mentioned that we have a lot of articles here on the site. Read as much as you can about BPD. It’s going to do a couple of things for you, first it’s going to normalize the behaviours when you read the truth about why she acts the way that she does. Secondly, by understanding the reasons behind the behaviours you’ll find out that’s it’s not about you, it’s something that she’s going through.

At the center of the disorder is a narcissistic injury - the core wound of abandonment that has nothing to do with you, it’s something that she’s going to have to process in therapy to understand the source of the original abandonment wound.

Excerpt
My heart SREAMS to go back and make things right, get back the magic we once had, the loving , touching, feeling, if you will , that was so pevilant in the early stages of us; but having read what I have read, heard what I am hearing, I don't believe it is either possible, or healthy for me to be together;

You’re right, it’s not healthy to want to be in a r/s where you’re partner permanently idealizes you. The idealization phase of a r/s with a borderline is a phase that doesn’t last long and the intensity or length of time where you’re put in a pedestal is not the same. You gave probably noticed that those windows where she idealizes you are shorter and further apart. You have to let go of idea that she’ll return back to phase and extinguish any hope of a r/s.

You’re not the first person that saw someone that seemed helpless and you wanted to save her. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re not a doctor that can diagnose a complicated personality disorder- how were you supposed to know that she has traits of a serious mental illness? You’re not alone.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2017, 10:13:31 AM »

So how in gods name does one break this feeling of shame ! Loneliness, and constantly thinking about what she is doing , and who she is doing it with; when I project my self back into that situation I can clearly and plainly see how dis functional the whole existence was; constantly looking for praise, watching her mood swings right before my very eyes. I could see the storm coming, heard the thunder roaring, no don't get me wrong, at times we wold sit and talk to each other with such clarity and insight my hopes would immediately rise and wow, she FINALLY GETS IT , we have taken the turn off the better, on the path to a loving relationship , boy , how wrong was I , that moment was just that, a fleeting moment where she took ownership of her behavior , actually APOLOGIZED for the vial things she had said, my spirits and hopes were at an all time high! Then I must have said or did something to return back to the way it usually goes, boy was I wrong
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« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2017, 10:43:15 AM »

Hi Teddy1953,


I speak for myself when I say this, what works for me in my situation may help you or not. SIt and identify where the shameful feelings come from? Are they your feelings or are they feelings that she projected? We’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings, I identified that I was carried the failure of the r/s in my back and I was blaming myself, there was a lot of shame attached to that.

Let’s set the disorder aside for a few seconds and take a look at a r/s, a r/s are thousands of back and forth transactions, you relate with someone it becomes a r/s, it takes two people in a r/s  it’s 50/50. Identify what belongs to you, examine it, is there something that I can learn from this about myself, about how I relate with others, Can I bring these lessons forward into the next r/s? Leave everything else where it belongs in her court.

I think that a lot of us can identify seeing the storm coming on the horizon because we knew that the good days were going to come, we just don’t know when but when they do arrive we dread those storms, you could say that we we’re walking on eggshells at the anticipation that our exe’s can only hold it together for so long before they become emotionally dysregulated, repeat this pattern and it feels like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster.

A pwBPD are emotionally arrested at the young age of a child of about two or three and haven’t developed a sense of self, they exaggerate their feelings like a small child.

I just wanted to say that you need more time behind you.


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« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2017, 10:45:47 AM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Teddy1953 

I can totally relate to all of that, the moments of clarity where you think she finally sees the light, but you are right they are just moments. The next day it's back to square one, mine would then deny that she said what she said in her moment of clarity.
You probably didn't say or do anything wrong, I didn't need to she went from laughter to crazy in a split second leaving me wondering what just happened.
If she did have a reason it was all in her head or the usual accusing me of what she had done.
It didn't matter if she was in a good mood, I was always wondering will it be any second now, in an hour or tomorrow when she flips again.
Crazy and such a shame because the nice her was fantastic but she couldn't stay that way.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2017, 12:05:49 PM »

What you're experiencing is acute withdrawal.  heartbroken03 describes it well with this:

Excerpt
... .felt like I had been hit by a freight train.

It's really painful and will cause you to ruminate in a big way, going back over every detail and questioning everything - mostly yourself if my experience is anything to go off.  Try to be gentle with yourself.  As  C<|||Mutt says, this is not all on you.  It takes two to tango. 

This article may help you a little as I hear a couple of these beliefs in your last post.  It includes the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  Maybe you will take solace in this if you see things you can apply to yourself at the moment and then work on letting go of these.  I found it tremendously helpful in my recovery to do this.  Let us know if any seem to fit.

Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD

Excerpt
This is the time when we need to look after ourselves and put ourselves first for once.
heartbroken03 is right.  You're getting good advice here.  Take small steps.  They add up.

Love and light x
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2017, 06:31:32 PM »

Problem is , every article, every symptom , every reaction seems to fit the relationship I'm trying to recover from, does my pwBPD feel the same as I do, not at all, that is one of my more difficult hill to climb; how can she NOT feel the aingst and loneliness I'm feeling, I'll answer that, we were NEVER on the same page, we were NEVER a symbiotic relationship, I say I gave everything to it and she says the same; I can CLEARLY remember standing in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror after a bad one and saying , " what the heck just happened here" and the more I tried to make sense of it to her , the more she ignored my pleas and reasoning, it was almost like she didn't hear a word I said! So why , am I sitting here , alone lamenting on a relationship that was completely wrong, extremely toxic, damaging to me, wondering if I can ever be in another caring relationship, while she is most likely sizing up her next conquest, I know I'm repeating myself , I just feel the need to write this down, maybe soon it will sink in
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« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2017, 07:14:44 PM »

Excerpt
So why , am I sitting here , alone lamenting on a relationship that was completely wrong, extremely toxic, damaging to me, wondering if I can ever be in another caring relationship, while she is most likely sizing up her next conquest, I know I'm repeating myself , I just feel the need to write this down, maybe soon it will sink in

You are going through this pain because, for all it's faults, you were invested in this r/s.  It was real for you and you loved her.  Getting over any r/s hurts and one with such a loaded bond is even harder.  The good news is that this DOES get easier.  Others have walked this path and are still posting here to give hope to others.  You're not alone.  Many are going through this too, and although that doesn't ease your pain, it at least lets you know that you're not the only one this has happened to.  So try not to beat yourself up about feeling as you do.  It's OK to love someone who treats us badly.  It's OK to be hurt and feel lost and confused by this.  I know how hard it can be.  Go easy on yourself and find ways to self soothe.  What do you enjoy doing?  Try to find ways to connect with others and regain a little normality and peace in your life, as space and time help you to detach and gain perspective on things. 

We have a series of polls (marked with stars) on the board regards the 10 beliefs and you'll find other members sharing their perspectives on the beliefs in the article I shared.  Writing is a good outlet, so sharing here, or writing in a journal can be a positive step that many find helpful in their healing.  If reading about BPD is difficult right now, take your time and be kind to yourself.  Go at your own pace.  For me, understanding more allowed me to see that much of the behaviour was not actually about me, which gave me some relief and stopped me from blaming myself as much.  We all process things our own way, so do what is right for you.

We're here to help you along the way.

Love and light x
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« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2017, 11:13:05 AM »



I would like to join the others in welcoming you. I know the type of pain, loneliness, and confusion that you are talking about.

I would also venture a guess that you're going through all of the pain because of how good the good felt to you. As Harley Quinn said, acute withdrawals.

Not to get too clinical and nerdy on you, but... .

When people get involved with someone who experiences incredibly intense emotions, they too tend to experience the intensity of emotion. The non feels so good from all of the kindness, love, and attention that they are experiencing. There is a great deal of chemical reactions that happen in our bodies at that point. We get "addicted" to the euphoric feelings. The brain tells the body to secrete a neurotransmitter called dopamine that stimulates "desire and reward." There are several other chemicals that come into play such as adrenaline and endorphins. But, I suspect that you aren't really asking for the scientific reason as to "why" are you?

While it does help some to understand what is actually going on within our bodies, most seem to want to why all of it happened, how we got sucked in, and why we have such a desire to remain in such a toxic situation. That was me. I wanted to know why I wanted someone in my life who was so clearly wrong for and damaging to me?

I didn't like that answer.

I then looked for ways to stop the emotions.

That didn't work.

So, it took time and patience and a great deal of resolve to just allow myself to feel as I was feeling. Most importantly though, I had to learn to generate the same feelings within myself that my x provided. It takes time, but if I can learn to do it, so can you.

How can we help?
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2017, 07:35:03 PM »

EXACTLY; thank you for resonding, my biggest problem is WHY this woman occupies so much of my thought process. Right now I can only think of the good, and believe me the goods were great but the bands were horrible. But looking back , the bads outweighed the goods TENFOLD! My biggest fear is that these feelings of loneliness will persist for quite somtime. And I know by reading articles on this site, she does NOT share my feelings of despair and lonliness, she's probably out now looking for the next coquest, while I sit here in a pool of self pity and the horrible feeling of total alone. I just can't shake it, it's only been several days from total break up, and I'm being told ive got some more hurdles to jump, but holy s_ _ _ ! It feels like I'll never see the light of day and get out of this FOG
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« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2017, 08:44:08 PM »

Oh, yeah, so many of us have said that about the fear of feeling the loneliness. I know that I thought that I'd never meet anyone like my x ever again and I'd live in a pit of despair forever more.

Isn't it strange though? It almost feels like being a junkie; wanting that 10 minutes of euphoria knowing that to have that, you'd have to endure hours of pain afterward.

What if I told you that how you have been interpreting what you've read here all wrong? What if I told you that not only does she share your feelings of despair and loneliness, but she feels them so much more intensely that you can probably ever imagine? Would that help you feel any better?

I ask, because in all likelihood, it's true. People with BPD traits tend to live a life of misery, shame, and fear. These are constant feelings that they take everywhere with them at all times. They feel emotions much more powerfully than nons. So, take how you are feeling and magnify it 1000x. That's her world that she deals with on a daily basis. Fears of abandonment and extremely intense emotions are the hallmark of BPD.

Does knowing any of that actually make you feel any better though? Does it help how you feel in any way?

I'm not sure what hurdles you're talking about having to jump, can you elaborate?

As with so many other things that you've said, which I'm sure that we can all relate to, I can remember wanting nothing more than all those thoughts and feelings to end and to just live a normal life again. The trick that I learned here was to stop thinking of it in those terms. To stop looking at the future and just look at the moment because, the moment is what I was actually living.

That's where my pain was coming from; I was looking at my past and applying it to my future. All that brought me was more pain. Live in the moment. Let each emotion flow through you. Recognize it for what it is and let it be. Don't try to control it. Don't let it control you. Smile when you remember the good. Allow yourself to be angry when you remember the bad. Understand that you feel sorrow about the lost dreams that you had. Relish in the things that you learned and experienced. Just feel what you are feeling in each moment.

Those feelings will change, and they will change rapidly. For many, they cycle. Healing isn't linear. Don't let that frustrate or discourage you. Just know that you are feeling what you are.

Many of us have learned that writing helps to get those feelings out. You'll find, literally, hundreds of thousands of posts on these boards of people just writing to give their feelings an outlet. You are doing well posting about what you are feeling. I encourage you to do more of it. We're here to listen, support, and help how and where we can.

What else are you doing to give your feelings an outlet? What are you doing to take care of yourself?
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« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2017, 03:56:35 AM »

Hi Teddy. I'm just another voice welcoming you, telling you I was exactly where you are, and promising you it does get better. I am six months out and this board has been very helpful, along with therapy and a few friends and family -- and self discovery.

Regarding the rumination and feelings -- what I eventually found out was it wasn't worth fighting them anymore...   In a single day I would feel shame, anger, jealousy,anxiety, love, pity.  All the feelings were real and almost debilitating -- it was making me crazy. But I finally realized if I just let them come, experienced them for a little while, knowing they would pass -- it became bearable. And they still came but they became less intense. Less scary.  It was an important step in getting my life back.  It's my life!   I'm at the point now that I can deal with this in a better place

My BPD affair  also happened to me later in life. I'm 54. I was married.  It was like I was hit by a hurricane.  I've spent some time exploring why.  Takes two, right?.  What did I need?  Why did I need it?  What's real?  How do I avoid this in the future?

I'm out of this stronger than I was going in. I have boundaries.

I hope this helps.  Trust me -- like any hero in any story -- you are going through this trial to come out stronger

Foundawayout
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« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2017, 05:52:03 AM »

Hi Teddy - welcome also... .

You are experiencing the same thing we have all gone through.  I'm 6 weeks out of the r/s and 2 weeks ago I was still waking up with sweats / panic / anxiety... .  "what if's" are common ground "if only's" are too.  It really sucks.  I went to doctors and he gave me anti-depressants and I consulted this board.  No one really knows what its like to be with a pwBPD unless you've been there.  I was in a r/s for 2.5 years and like you, could take no more... .But yet once she had gone, the pain became worse.

Now 6 weeks on, Ive educated myself on BPD and somehow rationalised her behaviour... .its allowing me to detach and move on.  I've still a long way to go - but I'm getting there, and like all the senior members on here, one day I will be free.

Hang in there - we are here for you, and it does get better Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2017, 07:16:55 PM »

Thank you thank you thank you all so very much; your words of wisdom and support make this journey I'm on be so much more enightning; no, it doesn't make me feel better knowing that she feels this kind of anguish, actually I'm quite sure she doesn't , but that where I run into a brick wall; I've been programmed to feel like I AM the source of her problems, I am the source of her excessive drinking, I am the source of ALL that ails her, I feel GUILTY as all get out, what ifs? Oh my god I've got a million of them, but they all lead me to the Same place, as I look back , I could see myself SLOWLY diminishing in her eyes, I could feel it in her embrace, as B B KING once said " the thrill is gone" . Don't laugh but I thought she was the love of my life! My one true love ! My soul mate ! And those words were echoed several times ! How in the world can I feel so bad, I am 64 years old, a veteran, who has seen things that no one should, and yet I feel like a pimple faced , greasy haired, heart broken teenager ! I have been reading books on the subject, in therapy, have a friend , who I believe was sent to me by something out of thi world, who went through the SAME exact thing! How he saw my pain is something I'll always remember! I have gone to church a little , I'm thinking outside the box here, not looking for a miracle, but a little faith never hurt anyone, I exercise with a great bunch of guys, but it's the weekends that are so lonely, in the past , we were together , some good mostly bad, all the time, it's those times that haunt me, I know deep in my heart that hey are gone for good , but I still cling to them like a moth to a flame; I've got some work to do; again thank you all for your support
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« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2017, 11:43:57 PM »

Here are a few posts that I found helpful in my journey:

"My parents loved me, but I never felt loved growing up, and it wasn't until decades later that I realized they loved me but their own stuff prevented them from communicating it, at least in a way I could hear it, so that was that.  So I'd spent my life trying to get love by "doing" instead of just "being" inherently lovable, which is what people who grew up feeling loved do, so when someone like my ex withdraws their love, for their own reasons, I freak out and scramble around trying to "fix" it, and that's happened a few times, it was just so extreme with my ex that it was undeniable and therefore useable.

So the hooks she got in me were the compassion, validation, empathy, connection and love that I'd never felt at that level, and it was a slap in the face to have all of that yanked, but now what?  So it's been a process of deciding I'm inherently lovable, treating myself that way, looking for references to support that belief, focusing on being aware and present with people I communicate with, focusing on building an empowering core and protecting it with boundaries, and then blurt mode, let's get real and see who gets to be in my life and who doesn't.  Whew!  Kinda feel tired just typing that, but it's a brand new world, the project of Me moving full speed ahead, motivated more than ever, and yes, we can feel loved, accepted and connected, and it starts with us."

"I learned:

- that i could care and feel deeply about someone else, try to give them everything they need, excuse their weaknesses and go to extreme lengths to try and rescue them

... .while ... .

- i actually ignored and denied my own needs, my own feelings, was hard on my own weaknesses, let me loose my Self and finally accepted to be bullied and be made into 'the problem'

- that i was running in circles using fantasy and denial as coping mechanisms.

- And that this was exactly the same mechanic that allowed me to stay attached to emotionally neglectfull parents when i was young.

In a way, i needed all this to happen to see the light, even though it came wrapped in a cloud of darkness"



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« Reply #20 on: September 28, 2017, 11:03:07 AM »

Oh Teddy ... .

Amazing isn't it we can be brought down by the littlest of sad waifs?  Mine even CALLED herself a "poor little waif" -- when she would run away from me and "live in her car" -- read "live with a friend while I helped pay and organize the house we were building for her." 

But something inside you and me fell into that way of thinking -- "oh I'm bad, she's right, I have to work harder to help her."  Mine had me so gas lighted I believed I was bad for talking to the barmaid while she and I ate dinner together (as if I would pick up a girl in front of her -- it caused weeks of fights), or going for a run instead of napping with her (how could I be so selfish), or working an hour over time while my poor little homeless waif had nowhere to go (she could have been out buying me dinner -- but I won't belabor the point).  I honestly believed I was wrong!  I get it now -- goes back to my childhood -- oldest of six --neglected somewhat -- maybe my mom was even BPD.

You see -- it wasn't completely you.  It was her disorder.  Your role was how you related to it.   But how were you to know?  Crazy those demons wait so long to come out.

I'm telling you man you will get over this.  It will take time.  You will come out stronger

Personally, I no longer believe in "one true love"  or "soul mate".  I believe love is a verb, and like any verb -- being good at it takes practice -- there's no magic.  There are 7.5 billion people on this planet  Many many beautiful souls. 

Take care of yourself.  I think it's good you're going to Church.  Pray.  It helped me.

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Meili
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« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2017, 11:25:40 AM »

That was the same for me drained1996. My relationship with my x was just an extension of my searching for the love that those who were supposed to care about me never gave me. In the beginning, my x provided it, but that's because she was mirroring me. She was showing me what I was showing her - showing me love in the same way that I was showing her. It made me feel great because someone finally got me. I was finally loved. But, because it was just a mirror and not who she truly was, it was impossible to sustain. Once the mirror started to crack, it all fell apart.

As Seenowayout said, it was the understanding of my part in all of it that freed me from the pain. Once I was able to recognize my role, my actions that resulted from my trying to cling to and regain the image in the mirror, I was able to start making the necessary changes.

Even with how painful the break-up was, I can now view it all as a gift that I received.
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #22 on: September 28, 2017, 02:21:19 PM »

 So now I FINALLY understand the true meaning of " depressed" , never had it before , but man oh man , it has reared its ugly head and is staring me in the face! Everything I read, everyone I talk to, ( and I am SO sick of hearing myself complain about what this person has done to me, and I to her) I know for a FACT , that the relationship was TOXIC, I can't fix another human being, I'm not nearly as bad as what I was being told, and things will NEVER be the same; the idealization phase has passed, my armor is tarnishid, and I have been unceremoniously knocked off the pedestal; those last two things are the ones that hurt the most, a fall from grace , o k, but this was not in the brochure. I thought I was signing up for the " rest of my life" , but that was cut short. I'm repeating myself, it just seems some what theraputic to write things down, and actually read what a mess this has become . What happened to the DO OVER button we were supposed to get? Lol !
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« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2017, 02:48:43 PM »

Oh, I've pressed the DO OVER button several times in my relationships. More than once, I wish that I had just hit delete instead... .
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« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2017, 03:50:34 PM »

Excerpt
What happened to the DO OVER button we were supposed to get? Lol !

You actually got DO OVER button, you just don't see that yet.  You'll get the chance to heal yourself not only from the grief of this relationship, but from the parts of your past that helped you to be susceptible to a relationship with a borderline.  

Excerpt
I know for a FACT , that the relationship was TOXIC, I can't fix another human being, I'm not nearly as bad as what I was being told, and things will NEVER be the same

Those are some good facts that you realize... .You're doing well... .even though it may not feel that way.  Allow some self-compassion at this time as what you have gone and are going through is  extremely difficult for anyone.  We here know... .as we've all either been there or are there at some stage.  I found that sharing my thoughts and feelings here was very therapeutic.  Keep sharing, we are here     It does get better... .we promise.  
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2017, 05:55:14 PM »

Forgive me if I repeat myself, just need an outlet; yes, I wish I had hit that DELETE button many many months ago, when my fingertips was hovering over it, we ALWAYS found an excuse to get back together; push, pull, push, pull, CONSTANTLY! Always being accused of not giving enough, financially, and most assuredly , emotionally; as I look back I could almost pinpoint the actual day when the REAL devaluation began, I was too wrapped up in trying to make things right; now don't get me wrong, I was at times not the most agreeable , and if you ask her the entire time of our existence together, was all bad BECAUSE OF ME! On RARE occasions she would take ownership of any wrong doing, and the times that she did, it was like a reprieve from execution; but just like every other emotion she possessed, it was gone in a flash, two days later, back at it again; she was going to therapy , and the few times that she went, she would come home looking and sounding great! But for some reason she stopped going , I said I would pay for it, but that was not enough to get her back; I remember sitting on the porch and TELLING her, I believed she was B P D, she agreed , and said she had been told that before! SO WHAT THE HECK! How and why would she not bring that to the fore front in our discussions, recognize it , deal with it, and conquer it, and at least give me some help in dealing with it; NOTHING! Never had the conversation again, pushed under the rug, but at any given time IT WAS ALWAYS ME !
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drained1996
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« Reply #26 on: September 29, 2017, 07:06:19 AM »

Excerpt
I remember sitting on the porch and TELLING her, I believed she was B P D, she agreed , and said she had been told that before! SO WHAT THE HECK! How and why would she not bring that to the fore front in our discussions, recognize it , deal with it, and conquer it, and at least give me some help in dealing with it; NOTHING! Never had the conversation again, pushed under the rug, but at any given time IT WAS ALWAYS ME !

I believe you know the answer to all this.  They loathe themselves and thus introspection would cause them immense pain... .a pain they are unwilling and probably unable to face even in the light of knowing they suffer from a severe mental illness.  Best for them in their eyes to sweep it under the rug and project any feelings of guilt along to... .well... .us.  
You're in the bleeding stage of this injury, and you are doing well putting pressure on the wound by seeing a T, using this website as a support group, going to church, etc.  It'll stop bleeding soon, which will allow you to begin some healing.  This after all is a serious and deep cut, and we must care for it that way.  Time heals a lot, especially when we are willing to do the necessary "rehab" and look at our part in the dysfunction to figure out where that came from and how we may remedy that in the future.  It does get better... .we promise.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #27 on: September 29, 2017, 07:57:22 AM »

Excerpt
On RARE occasions she would take ownership of any wrong doing, and the times that she did, it was like a reprieve from execution; but just like every other emotion she possessed, it was gone in a flash, two days later, back at it again; she was going to therapy , and the few times that she went, she would come home looking and sounding great! But for some reason she stopped going

Teddy, this is a frustrating thing to deal with, for sure.  I can empathise, as I've been in the situation of seeing a partner begin to make progress only to decide that they were no longer going to therapy.  So disappointing to us as the partner who wants only the best for that person.  Yet only the individual can decide that they are willing to commit to change and change can be a scary thing for many people, not just a pwBPD.  Accepting that large scale change is needed and interpreting this as the way she has been living her life and coping has been 'the wrong way' would be like admitting that 'she' is wrong in herself and that can lead to shame.  An intolerable feeling for a pwBPD.  It's a cruel catch 22 and so hard to handle when the person you love is choosing self destruct over future happiness.

Unfortunately we must accept that this is beyond our control.  What is under our control is ourselves, what we do now and how we use this situation to create positive outcomes for us.  I'd encourage you to take a look at the Lessons which will help you to see that what you're experiencing is normal and allow you to check on how you're doing.  Knowing where we are with this ensures we don't get stuck, and more so I feel, allows us to give ourselves a well deserved pat on the back when we don't!

The day will arrive when you begin to notice how little you miss the drama and how much you value ease and peace in your life.  For now, let the feelings and thoughts come and go, vent here and take good care of yourself.  

Love and light x    
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Teddy1953

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« Reply #28 on: September 30, 2017, 08:32:39 AM »

Two weeks ago we had decided to break up for GOOD, this time, she told me she was truly " sorry" , and that she could no ,on gear be with a person who had put her through what I had for the last three years. I did not argue , I agreed and said PLEASE don't call me, no more texts, no contact whatsoever, her response was one word, " agreed". I subsequently blocked her so I would NOT sit around waiting for her to call, tell me she had seen the light, and things would be as they were in the beginning, I know deep in my heart that that is not possible. The following Sunday I decided to go to church, and see what it was all about; I was there for an hour, by the time I got back to my house, she was there in the driveway waiting, she had tried to call nineteen times! I was taken aback and asked her what the hell she was doing, her response was " she just wanted to here my voice, and she couldn't " let go"! W T H ! I was already bleeding emotionally, depressed, and now THIS! That one small encounter set me tail spinning back to the very beginning ! I should have got angry, but I was in a weakened emotional place, and I asked her to leave, and I would call her later, of course I never did, but seeing her in the driveway, I must admit, my heart jumped, and I was excited! But also seeing her, which I have been really trying to avoid, TOTALLY messed with my head! I have composed a letter, ( haven't sent it) about how I feel and know that she suffers from this affliction, her behavior, her actions, to a TEE, are all outlined in it. I feel like she should know, even though it will do ABSOLUTELY no good whatsoever, I truly feel that as my swan song SOMEONE should tell her how crappy this experience was. Vindication, closure, call it what you want, I want to send it, any thoughts?
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #29 on: September 30, 2017, 09:35:20 AM »

How about posting it here?  We could help you to work through the letter if you're determined to send it and advise on the content or else you may feel that 'putting it out there' is sufficient to get this stuff off your chest.  I think you know deep inside that it is unlikely to be met with a favourable response, if any.  If you received  a letter that for all intents and purposes seemed to be describing all of the issues someone has with you, what would you do with the letter and how likely is it that you'd be receptive to the information within and take it on board?  Most of us in fairness would dismiss it as an attack from a bitter ex and give it no further thought.  It could actually exacerbate her denial about the need to change.  

Also, and I say this as someone who has been there, it is worth asking yourself if DEEP DOWN you may be hoping that this 'does the trick' and sets the wheels of change in motion so that you can salvage a future r/s.

For now, I'd suggest you post the letter here and vent that way.  There is no rush to act and you may feel differently with a little time under your belt.

In the case of some of our exes, a letter that could be interpreted as abusive might cause a backlash that isn't worth the relief of sending.

Finally, if you've requested no contact, breaking that boundary yourself would be like opening a door that you could struggle to shut.  If seeing her once had such an effect on you, imagine if this became a regular occurrence. 

Definitely sleep on it.

Love and light x  
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