I keep thinking of the good times, but know I will be further destroyed

[tektro_BPD]

Hi everybody.  I just broke up with my girlfriend after a long history of lying, cheating, self mutilation and extreme non-stop manipulation.  We would have really good amazing periods and then horrible down periods.  I found out she cheated on me numerous times in the beginning, and then found out she also cheated on me with another person the entire relationship.  When I finally attempted NC, she completely lost it on me saying the most evil cruel viscous things ever said to me.  I was so confused by how she went from being madly in love with me, to hating me and saying the cruelest things ever to me.  I started researching BPD and her behavior 100% matches ALL of the signs.

So now about a month of going back and forth on test and email... .she never went back to any nice communications, it just got more and more cold and vicious.  I now have gone NC and all of a sudden she wants me back.  I refuse to go back down that path with her, but yet I find myself thinking about her ALL day and rationalizing her behavior... .I know its crazy for me to do that, and honestly after all she has done I ultimately could never and would never get back with her.  It's been about 6 days of no contact on my part and it's getting easier.  I was literally going through withdrawal from our relationship.  I was so painful.  I guess my question is... .how does one survive this type of breakup with a pwBPD and stay strong and survive.  My gut instinct is to compromise my integrity and self respect to be with her at any cost, but she has hurt me too much for the emotional drive to override reason and logic.  I don't know I just am in so much pain.  Any advice on surviving this and hope on the other side would be appreciated

[Skip]

What does this tell you about you? What do you take from this as it relates to your specific relationship.

Why You Fell In Love

Most partners of women (man) on the spectrum of BPD find that the experience of falling in love is different than any other relationship they have ever been in.

In order to understand why you may have fallen so hard for this individual, it might help to first take a look at a few interesting observations that social scientists have made in relation to the way human beings fall in love. As it turns out, one of the ways in which the chemicals that define our experience of falling in love can be artificially jump-started is through recreating certain behavior patterns that tend to happen naturally when people are romantically drawn to each other.

We now know that something as simple as staring into another?’s eyes for long periods of time is an emotionally moving experience that can help trigger falling in love. We can also observe that divulging certain kinds of deeply personal thoughts, beliefs or emotions to another person can create a bond that can trigger the process of falling in love if both people are naturally attracted.

It can be enlightening to look back to the beginning of your relationship with a partner on the spectrum of BPD to try to remember if there were times when you looked deeply into each others? eyes, communicating without words.

And when you think back, chances are high that you engaged in deep and meaningful sharing. We know that women on the spectrum of BPD can be very candid with their emotions and very encouraging of their love interests to tell them things they never told anyone else.

But in order for you to even more clearly understand the extreme nature of falling in love for romantic partners of BPD, we need to take a look at two behavior patterns that women on the spectrum unconsciously put into use during their initial phase of idealization that can in some cases cause men to fall head over heels in love with them.

The first aspect that can profoundly affect the speed and intensity which men fall in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD is the way she makes her partner feel about themselves. In order to get her partner to focus obsessively on her needs, a woman on the spectrum of BPD will do whatever it takes to make her partner feel better about themselves than anyone has ever made them feel. This is often accomplished by shows of adoration, idolization and levels of care and kindness that the partner has never experienced before.

The woman on the spectrum of BPD will initially give the kind of love that is only possible to give when there is complete trust in a relationship. The way she accomplishes this without first building trust is by suspending all of her fears and willing herself to believe her partner is 100 percent trustworthy. And by suspending all of her fears she also gets her partner to in turn trust her completely. The end result is what we might describe a feeling of perfect love.

The second aspect that can profoundly affect the intensity and speed of falling in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD is her ability to initially show exactly what she is thinking and feeling to her partner. We all have walls that we consciously put up in the presence of others. These invisible walls are very necessary for our self-protection. They are the healthy boundaries that we use to keep ourselves emotionally safe until we get to know whether the person we are with is going to accept who we really are without negative judgment.

Because all people suffer from insecurity around negative judgment from others, it is essential that we spend a great deal of time testing new people before we completely open up to them. Most people never pass all of our closeness tests that we subtly put them through. Yet we can still have a comfortable and healthy relationship without having to disclose our most private thoughts and feelings.

But in order to be in a long term romantic relationship we must develop the kind of trust where we can completely let down our guard with our partners. Although we will always have boundaries in place in terms of how we let our partners treat us, in order to feel safe enough to enter a permanent partnership we must feel certain that as long as we behave in the realm of respectful behavior, our differences, weaknesses and flaws will be accepted.

A woman on the spectrum of BPD, in order to get a love interest to devote themselves entirely to her, will let down all of her walls immediately without testing the waters of trust first. She will let her love interest see her most vulnerable side right away. This is not a conscious move on her part. In her panic to have her needs taken care of, she will throw caution to the wind. In her mind a new partner will inexplicably appear to be a person who seems incapable of hurting her.

Because we are very used to seeing people’s walls or boundaries, the experience of being allowed complete access to the inner world of someone we barely know can be quite a profound experience. When we encounter someone who has no walls up, no defenses, we may feel the same way we do when we encounter a young child or a helpless baby animal. We cannot help but want to protect and nurture them.

In addition to making us want to protect and nurture them, the act of another person dropping their defenses in front of us can often give us the freedom to drop our own defenses. Sharing on this unusual level of openness with a new acquaintance, particularly when there is a romantic element involved, can release us from our inhibitions and the feeling can be exhilarating.

Often this initial experience of interacting with a woman on the spectrum of BPD can be so powerful that despite the fortress of defenses she puts up in the later phase of this relationship which can include severe levels of mistreatment or abuse, her partner may not be able to stop trying to access the vulnerable person that they imagine must be trapped inside the walls of her defenses.

The powerful combination of a person making you feel better than you ever have plus the experience of being let in past every boundary can create a feeling of love so strong that no amount of negative treatment can convince the partner to leave. It is the woman on the spectrum of BPD’s siren-like effect that can keep partners in unhealthy relationships for decades.

Not knowing what has attracted them so strongly, most partners of women on the spectrum of BPD believe that she must be a special match for them and that their unique connection synergistically created the perfect relationship. But what they may not realize is that the perfect love that is created when both partners have 100 percent trust is not sustainable, nor is it particularly healthy in a relationship.

As human beings we can never be completely trustworthy. We all share universal character traits of selfishness as well as fear of the negative judgment of others that makes us all flawed partners. For this reason, in order to be healthy in a relationship we must already know how to take care of our own emotional needs. That way we can enjoy the wonderful feeling of another person taking care of our emotional needs from time to time without having to fear that without our partner we will not be capable of survival.

Although every one of us has a childlike wish to be loved as a perfect parent would love a young child, once we reach adulthood we must find a way to be content with respect over adoration and a mature and lasting love over the euphoric highs of the head-over-heels type of love that is the hallmark of women on the spectrum of BPD.

[AngelBuds]

One way I have learned when dealing with soul breaking breaking ups, is to NEVER sacrifice myself again for them.  That means respecting yourself enough to not return to abusive relationships.  I always want to forgive and move forward, which some people love because it s a free pass to continue their bad behaviors.  So, instead of forgiving and sacrificing myself, I focus on the WHY.  It hurts like hell rmbring the why we are broken up, but it serves a purpose for me: to never return.  I would much rather live in the happy parts of the relationship... .so, I do rmbr the good times, as a fond PAST, over with, memory.  I respect it as the past.  Rmbr why the present is without that person.  Rmbr the good, move away from the bad.  Do not focus on the past, it is over, thats why it is called the past.  There is no way to just live with the good and turn off the bad, so why return?  In hopes your love might cure them?  I tried that, years and years, that is not healthy and never works. 

I protect myself once I am betrayed beyond repair.  I have to.  Sounds like you could use a little self protection, too.  Focus on what you enjoy about life now, do nice things for yourself, practice friendship with yourself, try meditation, try anything, the world is FULL of new and exciting experiences waiting for you to discover, do not sacrifice yourself to another.  The more you let your mind stay with the past, the longer the breakup will hurt.  Its like kicking a dead horse.  Once you feel the pings and pains of the breakup, the healing can begin.  The longer you stay in the past, the longer no healing sticks around. 

During my last breakup, of a decade together, I thought I was dead after I left him.  I did.  I knew I couldnt take life with him any longer, couldnt handle the abuses and neglect, but the breakup left me feeling dead.  So much hurt, turmoil, all and everything terrible and bad within me.  As if, I had been hurt so bad, it made me dead.  What is amazing, is, once I really thought about it, I was not dead... .I was REBORN!  And what the hell was I doing crying all day and night now that I am reborn?  Dead people dont cry, but people who have just survived hell do cry, to celebrate being reborn.  Exactly.  Fresh start, up to you what you do next    Hopefully you choose what is healthy for YOU       Hollarback at me any time, you're very strong for sharing.

[AngelBuds]

I have much to say about the previous post 'Why you fell in love' but the question was not for me.  First and foremost, women are not the only ones with BPD, so women suffer just as much with a partner with BPD.  Reading that article was like reading from the 1950's.  Some good points, but the rest---- that is all I will say for now.  I am curious what others think about it though. 

Much more healing vibes your way tektro_BPD

[Mutt]

I protect myself once I am betrayed beyond repair.  I have to.  Sounds like you could use a little self protection, too.  Focus on what you enjoy about life now, do nice things for yourself, practice friendship with yourself, try meditation, try anything, the world is FULL of new and exciting experiences waiting for you to discover,

 

[Lost-love-mind]

Tektro
You are in right place.
As always, I recognize your story .
From being Prince of her life to the "prince of darkness".
My research after breakup led to BPD.
Just remember, we are not psychological experts, but it all leads to the questions:
1. How?
2. Why?
And the worst
3. What could have I done differently?
Don't let the last one destroy you as it did me for weeks after the breakup.
It gets better, but slowly. Keep posting when you feel your alone or strange ideas pop in your head. I do, and it keeps me focused on myself and what I need to fix.
If I think of any chance of reconciliation, I come here to this family and identify a relevant question:
Why would I ever want to go back to the abyss that results from her leaving me again?
Never.

[SuperJew82]

Absolutely loving this thread. Fantastic posts by everyone here. Thank you for sharing everybody. This gives me a little extra peace and is why I come to this board.

[SuperJew82]

tektro_BPD -> Your story is so similar to mine. I had so many recycles. I think one thing I can deduct from AngelBud is that although you don't want to forget the awesome times ( These people can be extremely fun and exciting during the "high" or "good" times. ) , it's important not to forget that bad either.

There is a reason why we are not with this person anymore. Although it does hurt to remember the feelings of finding out you were cheated on, betrayed, lied to, manipulated - I think we do have to remind ourselves why we chose to let them go.

I forgave my ex. It took me awhile to do this as I was pretty upset, to say the least - then started focusing on myself.

It took me a few recycles to do this though, so I did have to learn the hard way.

[Angel3287]

Unfortunately, thinking about "the good times" are not in service to you during the fall out of a BPD relationship.

While our BPDx's are painting us "black" by devaluation, I think us non's could benefit from a milder form of devaluation towards our ex's too. It's not cruel but allowing ourselves to really have a hard look at the reality of the relationship - in fact, no relationship is all wine and roses.

After the devastation of my break up, I was also hung up on all the words and fun times we had together. The romance, the deep conversations, plans for the future - all of it. Unfortunately, as I've come to learn and see out of the fog, I realize that I was simply playing a part which my BPDx needed me to play. I was an object, not a human being. I prized toy which was the best thing ever until he got bored or saw other toys in the shop that gave him a tingly feeling. I was the same character in his script but just with a different name.

It's a hard reality to face, I know. Struggled with that reality until today, in fact, when the final pieces of my "relationship" with my ex fell into place. They make us feel special because they want that in return, so it's a mirroring technique which is not genuine. If you tell the mirror how brilliant, sexy, funny, charming they are then the mirror will surely say the same thing back to you. It's a creepy concept but true, sadly.

And yes, sitting with the good times and longing for a mirage will not help you move forward. It will increase your suffering which, depending on how you choose to heal, may help or hurt you. Ultimately, it will just generate more anger and bitterness in the end. My advice would be to remember them as nice moments and nothing more than that. They were simply moments in time. Moments without any real depth on the part of our ex's - they felt what they felt but they were also playing their role simultaneously.

We can try to understand but we never totally will... .and that's a good thing. Remember the moments for what they were, mourn the ghost and work towards finding your happiness and stability again.

[SuperJew82]

It's a hard pill for me to swallow though, of her thinking of me as just an object to fulfill her needs. You are right - the good times should be looked at as "entertainment" without depth, potential, or meaning. I agree.

[Angel3287]

It's a hard pill for me to swallow though, of her thinking of me as just an object to fulfill her needs. You are right - the good times should be looked at as "entertainment" without depth, potential, or meaning. I agree.

Hey SuperJew82,

Of course our exes did not see us as an object or thing - I was speaking metaphorically. However, I will say that I was very much objectified in terms of my looks in the love bombing phase. Then when I told my ex "stop objectifying me. My looks are my least special quality" he took the hint and started hitting home on how wonderful of a person I am blah blah blah.

I use the word "object" because most BPDs, apparently, do not or cannot relate with people and/or their environments in any substantial way. What am I trying to say? I'm trying to say that our exes could really only relate to us in limited dimensions because they are underdeveloped emotionally and psychologically. This is also the reason why it is relatively easy to replace us, rebound and/or cheat.

There are emotions but they only go skin deep and are all about the BPD partner. I,too, hate the thought of this because it is so far removed from our reality... .a reality which we do not share with them. Our exes, I believe, didn't consciously "use us" but needed us to survive by giving them an image of themselves to hold onto. Mine was severe and needed constant mirroring, and from what I've recently observed, it absolutely doesn't matter from who or where as long as there is someone there to provide them with a sense of who they are in that moment.

Don't allow it to make you feel less than - I'm sure you've been "MORE than" for many women and other people in your life. We simply don't share the same reality with our exes, though we may take turns dipping into one another's world from time to time. I think it's something we'll make peace with as time goes by.

[Harley Quinn]

Hello tektro_BPD and Welcome to the site! 

You've had some great replies here and I hope that you're finding these helpful.  We also have a range of great articles and lessons here towards helping you to detach and heal.  You'll find these to the right of the board here  and I'd encourage you to take a read, as arming yourself with information can help you to come to terms with your experience.  One thing that helps is to understand that these behaviours were not about you.  This can take time to accept, however gives you a new perspective along with time and space away from the r/s, which you're already giving yourself.  Wise move by the sounds of your post.  You have a lot to process and deal with.  Do you have a therapist?  Friends and family who understand and whom you can talk to?  We're also always listening when you have feelings you need to offload.  It helps to talk through this stuff and let it go.

I guess my question is... .how does one survive this type of breakup with a pwBPD and stay strong and survive.

We're having a focus on a particular article here at the moment which I personally found extremely useful at the outset of my breakup to understand where I was in myself and what I needed to work on for my own well being.  It covers the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck and this is the link:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner has Borderline Personality Disorder

There are polls and discussions on each of the beliefs on the board(marked with stars), with more coming weekly, so do take a look, particularly if you feel any of these apply to you right now.  I'd be interested to know if you can recognise anything in these beliefs that fits at the moment for you?

For myself, it was a case of taking one step at a time and building up gradually.  Rome wasn't built in a day and there is a lot of rebuilding of ourselves necessary following a BPD r/s.  I began to do things I'd allowed to fall by the wayside, such as training at the gym, home interior stuff, diy, picked up my mindfulness practice, saw friends and reconnected with family from whom I'd become isolated.  After this I started to launch into things I'd wanted to do but hadn't held out hope of achieving when we were together.  Every day try to recognise and congratulate yourself for any forward movement, no matter how small.  (A real turning point for me was taking all the sharps out of the locked cabinet I'd stored them in and returning the kitchen knives to the block)  Give yourself a pat on the back for every day longer you maintain NC and allow yourself that healing time.  The key message here is to turn your attention to yourself, be kind to you and accept this will be tough.  You can do this.  Others have and have lived to tell the tale here.  Hang in there.

Love and light x