Kids choosing me, conflicted and disappointed.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I dont know the terms or codes, so ill just say i have a 1.5 yr old, a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old (step daughter).

Currently, my ex who hasnt been diagnosed, but has clear signs of BPD is living with the man she left me for since she moved out. because of her work schedule and desire to have a life with her new "toy", she has left the kids to stay with me about 24 days a month.

The issue that is giving me concerns, is our oldest together (the 7 yr old) is often asking to come back to my place and has very little interest in staying at my exes house. This same daughter has told my mom that she doesnt like that mommy already has a boyfriend and has been in tears basically, asking me if I will get a gf that hates kids. I dont try to read too far into things, but I have been told by me ex that the kids are not her boyfriends "problem". So i get the impression she sees the kids as an inconvenience and a hindrance to her love life.

The  baby does not adjust well at her moms either, apparently most nights are sleepless while my ex has to walk her around all the time to get her to be calm and sleep. This same baby is asleep at 730 until 630am with me with little to no issues at all.

Now I understand I am in an ideal position, as many dads are begging for more time with their kids, I have another child I get every other weekend and wish I had her more. But I worry that things are going to deteriorate more and more over time between my ex and the younger two. We both had absent fathers who chose new lives over us, and I worry this is what is happening and will continue to get worse.

I will always chose my kids over my love life, I dont even have a love life and there is no intention for a longtime to get one, the emotional damage that I have been processing is going to take a long time to heal fully from and trusting another person in that way is very unlikely for a long time. I am a father first and I embrace that fact.

I am just so disappointed, keeping in mind this has only been a little over 2 months since we broke up, processing that the person I knew, wasn't real, but a mirror image of what I am, but then to feel like the devoted and loving mother, was also at least partially a lie. I dont want my girls to have the same rejection issues and pain that I endured most of my life because of my dad.

I really hope my ex gets her head out of her ... you kno what... and of course, because I got to take all the blame for the dissolving of our marriage, I feel like this is all my fault and that I have let them down.

[Ironman85]

I dont know the terms or codes, so ill just say i have a 1.5 yr old, a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old (step daughter).

Currently, my ex who hasnt been diagnosed, but has clear signs of BPD is living with the man she left me for since she moved out. because of her work schedule and desire to have a life with her new "toy", she has left the kids to stay with me about 24 days a month.

The issue that is giving me concerns, is our oldest together (the 7 yr old) is often asking to come back to my place and has very little interest in staying at my exes house. This same daughter has told my mom that she doesnt like that mommy already has a boyfriend and has been in tears basically, asking me if I will get a gf that hates kids. I dont try to read too far into things, but I have been told by me ex that the kids are not her boyfriends "problem". So i get the impression she sees the kids as an inconvenience and a hindrance to her love life.

The  baby does not adjust well at her moms either, apparently most nights are sleepless while my ex has to walk her around all the time to get her to be calm and sleep. This same baby is asleep at 730 until 630am with me with little to no issues at all.

Now I understand I am in an ideal position, as many dads are begging for more time with their kids, I have another child I get every other weekend and wish I had her more. But I worry that things are going to deteriorate more and more over time between my ex and the younger two. We both had absent fathers who chose new lives over us, and I worry this is what is happening and will continue to get worse.

I will always chose my kids over my love life, I dont even have a love life and there is no intention for a longtime to get one, the emotional damage that I have been processing is going to take a long time to heal fully from and trusting another person in that way is very unlikely for a long time. I am a father first and I embrace that fact.

I am just so disappointed, keeping in mind this has only been a little over 2 months since we broke up, processing that the person I knew, wasn't real, but a mirror image of what I am, but then to feel like the devoted and loving mother, was also at least partially a lie. I dont want my girls to have the same rejection issues and pain that I endured most of my life because of my dad.

I really hope my ex gets her head out of her ... you kno what... and of course, because I got to take all the blame for the dissolving of our marriage, I feel like this is all my fault and that I have let them down.

[takingandsending]

Hi Ironman85.

I understand how frustrating and helpless it must feel watching your ex make choices that may harm your children. And worse, how agonizing it is to watch your kids go through the heartache. All that you can do is control the things that you can control - to be a safe, reliable source of validation and love for them. And I want to share the studies that my T told me about - namely, that a healthy attachment with one parent is enough for a child to develop emotional intelligence and resilience, even when the other parent is unable to provide that healthy attachment.

Does your 7 year old see a child T? If not, is it something that you'd consider? Can you think of some validating questions that may help her process the fears that she has regarding you making similar choices to her mom?

[Ironman85]

Hi Ironman85.

I understand how frustrating and helpless it must feel watching your ex make choices that may harm your children. And worse, how agonizing it is to watch your kids go through the heartache. All that you can do is control the things that you can control - to be a safe, reliable source of validation and love for them. And I want to share the studies that my T told me about - namely, that a healthy attachment with one parent is enough for a child to develop emotional intelligence and resilience, even when the other parent is unable to provide that healthy attachment.

Does your 7 year old see a child T? If not, is it something that you'd consider? Can you think of some validating questions that may help her process the fears that she has regarding you making similar choices to her mom?

She does not see a T yet, Ive been selfishly trying to just get myself back to where I can focus on them and be the dad I can be, while processing everything I need to process. Except the 2 times shes said that shes not showed much other issues with the arrangement.

I didnt ask her the reason for the question, they seem to not have issues with this new guy, but he also barely sees them much with the schedule as is. So when hes gotta actually be around them more time (when my ex stops working afternoons), we will see how things go and I will be paying attention to the signs and changes, if they occur.

All I do when she asks that, Is assure her that daddy is not going to have a girlfriend for a long long time, and that I would never have a girlfriend that doesn't like kids, they are more important too me.  Like you said, I cant control what happens at her place, I can only adapt how I am to compensate for whatever is lacking and ensure they have one stable parent.