Back from the saving board

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, after about a week and a half recycle, I’m back to the crisis board. My ex was charged with assault last night. She wanted to make me dinner, so I decided I’d try and come over after working with a  few clients. Upon arrival, she had to let me into her building, as her buzzer does not work. After getting off the elevator and entering her apartment, it was very dark, just a couple candles on. She said “sorry, this is how I like my apartment, I don’t do lights at night”. Well, some back story. As a strength coach myself, and being big on holistic health, that is MY belief, and I use very little lighting at my house after dark, unless it is of red or orange colour. So I made a quick joke, along the lines of “Oh I see you’re copying me”. Well, this set her off. She immediately got angry, and said I’m extremely cocky now, and she doesn’t like it and continued to be angry and cold towards me. I tried once to smooth it over, and state how she used to make fun of me for not wanting lights on at night. Nope, once she’s angry, theres no going back. So I told her thanks for making dinner, but I’m leaving, as I refuse to be in the presence of her angry anymore. She isn’t my girlfriend, and I’m not obligated to deal with it any longer, therefore I won’t. She followed me to the elevator, where she pushed me once, very hard. I knew for sure then, that I was leaving. No smoothing it over tonight. She got on the elevator, and tried to block me from leaving her building. As I went out the door, she grabbed my shirt by the neck and ripped it. I said thanks, and kept walking. She then blocked me from getting in my truck, which I had unlocked, then she got in and locked the door. She then got out, and got in my face, we had a verbal argument, I told her nothings changed, she needs to get help if we’re ever going to be in each others lives. She’s extremely skinny right now, like anorexic skinny. She got mad at me the other night, when she was complaining of being cold walking the dog, yet was 33 degrees that day, and was still about 28 at night when we were walking. I told her she has no body fat, she’s too skinny and needs to gain weight. She got mad and told me her rebound was telling her the same thing, but that we don’t know what we’re talking about and she’s happy with her body and doesn’t need me commenting. I agreed, said it was none of my business.
She then told me she saw her rebound 2 days ago as she is still buying marijuana from him, and that he thought she looked amazing, clearly to make me jealous. She just had him charged with assault 3wks ago, or at least that what she tells me, and is supposed to have no contact with him. I told her she’s sick, she has an attachment disorder and that’s even more of a reason why I don’t want her in my life if she’s maintaining contact with the guy she apparently just broke up with 3 weeks ago. I told her she just goes from guy to guy, and always keeps everyone close. This set her off, she punched me in the face 2 times, missed a 3rd time, then tried to put me in a headlock to throw me on the ground. At this point, an undercover police officer ran up and flashed his badge, said he had seen enough. He was parked 2 cars over doing paperwork in an unmarked truck. She knew she was in trouble, turned on the tears, became apologetic, tried to go back inside, the cop had none of it. He called for back up to come take care of it, as he was working on another matter. Once they arrived, they spoke to her for a bit, then just asked if I was ok. I said yes, she didn’t hurt me, just ripped my shirt, and I didn’t think it was appropriate for her to be charged. They told me they had no choice, and asked if I wanted to give a statement, which I declined. They told me I was free to go. They were going back into her apartment so she could turn off her oven and get shoes, then take her to the police station. I had a voicemail this morning form the police, just telling me they were releasing her at some point last night, and she is to have no contact with me. This is now the 2nd time, as she was charged 3 years ago for assaulting me, but wasn’t convicted, got a peace bond instead. There are no conditions, so I have no idea what will happen now that this is her 2nd offence, as well her rebound is being charged simultaneously for assaulting her right now. I feel sombre today, but I’m ok. It is what it is. My codependency is still there a little, all though I’m getting a handle on it. I feel sorry for her, wish it didn’t happen, wish there was something I could do, or back to last night and try things differently. But that isn’t the reality. She is responsible for her own behaviour, as I am for myself. Regardless of how angry or upset she was with me, physical violence isn’t the answer, and she just isn’t in control of her emotions. I haven’t heard anything from her this time, but I’m sure she’ll reach out again soon, likely to try and blame me and try to make me feel bad or that this is all my fault. I won’t fall for that, I did nothing wrong, I just tried to leave peacefully. All I can hope for, is that they put her into some counselling, and maybe she’ll realize that she needs to finally change her life. I worry, because she has cut out her family, and I don’t know how she’ll pay her legal bills, her dad forked out a lot of money on a lawyer last time this happened, and now she isn’t speaking to him. Who knows, I can’t focus on that, even though my mind keeps going there, it isn’t my fault or my problem anymore.

I guess the worst part, is I have no one to talk to about this. I don’t have my next therapy session until next week, and none of my friends or family know that we began talking again, and quite frankly, it’s my fault for doing so. So at this point, I have to keep this to myself until I can get back to therapy to talk about it, so posting her is about the only catharsis I have right now.

Again, Im ok, not injured, not even all that surprised, but I do feel very badly and worry about the mess she has caused herself. But I know thats just my codependency, and I just need to keep working on that, and look out for myself.

[Fishmedic]

So, after about a week and a half recycle, I’m back to the crisis board. My ex was charged with assault last night. She wanted to make me dinner, so I decided I’d try and come over after working with a  few clients. Upon arrival, she had to let me into her building, as her buzzer does not work. After getting off the elevator and entering her apartment, it was very dark, just a couple candles on. She said “sorry, this is how I like my apartment, I don’t do lights at night”. Well, some back story. As a strength coach myself, and being big on holistic health, that is MY belief, and I use very little lighting at my house after dark, unless it is of red or orange colour. So I made a quick joke, along the lines of “Oh I see you’re copying me”. Well, this set her off. She immediately got angry, and said I’m extremely cocky now, and she doesn’t like it and continued to be angry and cold towards me. I tried once to smooth it over, and state how she used to make fun of me for not wanting lights on at night. Nope, once she’s angry, theres no going back. So I told her thanks for making dinner, but I’m leaving, as I refuse to be in the presence of her angry anymore. She isn’t my girlfriend, and I’m not obligated to deal with it any longer, therefore I won’t. She followed me to the elevator, where she pushed me once, very hard. I knew for sure then, that I was leaving. No smoothing it over tonight. She got on the elevator, and tried to block me from leaving her building. As I went out the door, she grabbed my shirt by the neck and ripped it. I said thanks, and kept walking. She then blocked me from getting in my truck, which I had unlocked, then she got in and locked the door. She then got out, and got in my face, we had a verbal argument, I told her nothings changed, she needs to get help if we’re ever going to be in each others lives. She’s extremely skinny right now, like anorexic skinny. She got mad at me the other night, when she was complaining of being cold walking the dog, yet was 33 degrees that day, and was still about 28 at night when we were walking. I told her she has no body fat, she’s too skinny and needs to gain weight. She got mad and told me her rebound was telling her the same thing, but that we don’t know what we’re talking about and she’s happy with her body and doesn’t need me commenting. I agreed, said it was none of my business.
She then told me she saw her rebound 2 days ago as she is still buying marijuana from him, and that he thought she looked amazing, clearly to make me jealous. She just had him charged with assault 3wks ago, or at least that what she tells me, and is supposed to have no contact with him. I told her she’s sick, she has an attachment disorder and that’s even more of a reason why I don’t want her in my life if she’s maintaining contact with the guy she apparently just broke up with 3 weeks ago. I told her she just goes from guy to guy, and always keeps everyone close. This set her off, she punched me in the face 2 times, missed a 3rd time, then tried to put me in a headlock to throw me on the ground. At this point, an undercover police officer ran up and flashed his badge, said he had seen enough. He was parked 2 cars over doing paperwork in an unmarked truck. She knew she was in trouble, turned on the tears, became apologetic, tried to go back inside, the cop had none of it. He called for back up to come take care of it, as he was working on another matter. Once they arrived, they spoke to her for a bit, then just asked if I was ok. I said yes, she didn’t hurt me, just ripped my shirt, and I didn’t think it was appropriate for her to be charged. They told me they had no choice, and asked if I wanted to give a statement, which I declined. They told me I was free to go. They were going back into her apartment so she could turn off her oven and get shoes, then take her to the police station. I had a voicemail this morning form the police, just telling me they were releasing her at some point last night, and she is to have no contact with me. This is now the 2nd time, as she was charged 3 years ago for assaulting me, but wasn’t convicted, got a peace bond instead. There are no conditions, so I have no idea what will happen now that this is her 2nd offence, as well her rebound is being charged simultaneously for assaulting her right now. I feel sombre today, but I’m ok. It is what it is. My codependency is still there a little, all though I’m getting a handle on it. I feel sorry for her, wish it didn’t happen, wish there was something I could do, or back to last night and try things differently. But that isn’t the reality. She is responsible for her own behaviour, as I am for myself. Regardless of how angry or upset she was with me, physical violence isn’t the answer, and she just isn’t in control of her emotions. I haven’t heard anything from her this time, but I’m sure she’ll reach out again soon, likely to try and blame me and try to make me feel bad or that this is all my fault. I won’t fall for that, I did nothing wrong, I just tried to leave peacefully. All I can hope for, is that they put her into some counselling, and maybe she’ll realize that she needs to finally change her life. I worry, because she has cut out her family, and I don’t know how she’ll pay her legal bills, her dad forked out a lot of money on a lawyer last time this happened, and now she isn’t speaking to him. Who knows, I can’t focus on that, even though my mind keeps going there, it isn’t my fault or my problem anymore.

I guess the worst part, is I have no one to talk to about this. I don’t have my next therapy session until next week, and none of my friends or family know that we began talking again, and quite frankly, it’s my fault for doing so. So at this point, I have to keep this to myself until I can get back to therapy to talk about it, so posting her is about the only catharsis I have right now.

Again, Im ok, not injured, not even all that surprised, but I do feel very badly and worry about the mess she has caused herself. But I know thats just my codependency, and I just need to keep working on that, and look out for myself.

[Mutt]

Hi Fishmedic,

I guess the worst part, is I have no one to talk to about this. I don’t have my next therapy session until next week, and none of my friends or family know that we began talking again, and quite frankly, it’s my fault for doing so.

Who would see that trigger coming? You can't tell what will set a pwBPD off. She crossed a legal boundary, it's normal to feel protective about someone that you care about. I like how you said that there could be a possibility that she's going to get further counselling, I would hope so too. I'm glad to hear that you didn't get hurt in this ordeal. To echo your words, it is what it is, but our ex pwBPD meant something to us, we cared about them.

[Fishmedic]

Hey Mutt, 
 
Thanks. Yes, i agree. We care consistently about them, where their caring about us is real, but lacks consistency. It was tough to watch, as i knew it was out of my hands. I hope the court mandates her to get therapy, maybe it all happened this way for a reason? Who knows. Still processing things, i'm sure i will be for a few days. I imagine the reason she hasn't tried to contact me is shame. She knew she was in the wrong, and became very apologetic to me, the guy who witnessed it, as well as the police officer. The problem is, pwBPD don't seem to learn from mistakes like nons do.

[Mutt]

Some non's don't learn from their mistakes either   She's probably also embarrassed too being arrested in front of you like that.

[Fishmedic]

Haha ya... .This is true. I guess I’m one to talk right now.
I don’t know if she’s embarrassed, or if she truly feels remorseful for what she did. I guess you never know, because those emotions and feelings change like the wind on any given day. We went through a similar situation about 3yrs ago where she was suicidal, on drugs, family went on a cruise for Christmas without her, she assaulted me, and I didn’t know what to do, so I called to have her taken to the hospital. But because I told the cops she had hit me (not thinking it was that big of a deal, had zero experience dealing with domestic violence policies), they informed me they had to lay a charge and arrest her. To this day, she still believes it was ME who had her charged. Regardless, they never took her to the hospital for psych evaluation like they had promised me, just kicked her out on the street at 2 or 3am. When I awoke, I had hundreds of messages and voicemails. This time, nothing. So I don’t know if it’s shame/embarrassment, or what she may be going through.
She entered a peace bond last time around, so she was never convicted/no record, and those expire after 1yr, so she isn’t under any conditions. I don’t know what to expect this time, as it was certainly quite minor, I gave no statement, had no injuries, but I wonder if she is still considered a repeat offender or not. I guess thats where my worry is right now, as I don’t know how big of a mess this really is for her. I know she won’t get jail time, at least I don’t she would. But then again, I don’t know.
Codependent enough for everyone? Clearly my focus is still on her wellbeing, and not enough on my own. Still lots of work to do.

[Mutt]

Codependent enough for everyone? Clearly my focus is still on her wellbeing, and not enough on my own. Still lots of work to do.

At least you're aware of that, be careful to not get enmeshed in your next r/s. I recall my first appointment with a P after we broke up and all of my focus was on my ex, like you, my P said "This is enmeshment."

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fishmedic,

I'm sorry to hear that things went as they did for you.  It concerns me that violence was so quick to surface in this recycle.  As you may know, I was subject to DV in my r/s and one thing I learned is that once this begins it usually continues and worsens.  I also learned that we tend to minimise it at the time.  Which was true for me.  I was very much where you're sitting now and defending/protecting my ex.  Punching someone in the face twice, attempting a third time, tearing their shirt and putting them into a headlock is not minor.  If you did this to her or any random in the street you could be damn sure you'd be up on charges. 

How do you feel about the future regards the two of you at this point?  What happens now as far as you're concerned?  I'm sure you've thought about the possibility that she will be in contact at some point.

Love and light x

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey,

Sorry to hear that, I feel your pain and concern!
I've been there month and half ago.
My exBPDgf attacked me during driving in the freeway just because I told her that I didn't do anything bad by not moving with her - who the hell knew that I will find myself few minuets later struggling not to crash the car and begging her to leave to stop this, but she just got into amok and punched in the face dozens times and also attacked me with a key in her punch... .
And after all she blamed me for attacking her(I drove her so how the hell I could start the attack). blocked me on everything, threatened me with R/O and told to all of my friends that I'm psychopath and DV.

I left with scratches all over my body, broken heart and this betrayal feeling for blaming me for that attack I never wanted!

And... .I still care for her! I've tried to contact her through friends and gave her few gestures and I got slap in the face and she also got mad to my friend that tried help me in that.

As HQ wrote, I also think that things will get only worse. in my story, she started those violent attacks few times before(and in those times when she grabbed me in the shirt I just left her apartment). I wish I knew that things will just escalate just like that... .

I also think that the issue is codependency. I'm still walking on the horror road and wishing for answers... .

Good luck with everything my friend!

[hope2727]

Hi Just wanted to stop by quickly and say wow... .I admire you for not lashing back. I am not sure if I would have had your strength. Good job. As for her lashing out at you I am so so sorry. No one deserves to be treated that way. NO one deserves to be hit... .EVER! Please know you are not alone. Also please know that letting her face the consequences of her actions is the kindest and best thing you can do for her. I know it is hard to believe but in truth it is the reality. Keep posting and keep being a centerer calm person. I admire your restraint. Well done.

[Fishmedic]

Harley Quinn,  
 
I appreciate the reply. Thats exactly how i'm trying to feel about this situation. If i was the aggressor or attacker, i'd expect to be jailed for that type of abuse. It's a no brainer. But i guess now with my understanding of BPD, i see it more as the disorder, and not a true depiction of her.   I feel very sorry for her, and i wish it never happened, again, but it did, and it's on her. We went through something similar 3yrs ago, and had a few more  "minor" physical spats over those 3yrs, but not like this. But as a man, i guess it's ingrained in me that i can take it, and it's only wrong when it goes the other way. I know that isnt true, domestice violence is domestic violence, regardless if male or female, but i feel differently about emotionally than i do logically. I'm good, focusing on myself, but i have moments throughout the day where i feel terrible and wish i could have acted differently, or protected her. She's pretty dysregulated right now, even when she stayed at my house earlier in the week, she had a panic attack and had to sit in the bath for a few hours, saying she'd been having some PTSD from the rebound assualting her 3 or 4 weeks ago. Either way, she's in a hell of a mess, and as much as i'd like to make it all better, i cant, and also, as hard as it is to convince myself, it isnt my job to do so.  
 
As for her reconnecting, i know it'll happen sooner or later. She's likely waiting to see if i'll reach out first to see if she's ok. I want too, but i know its a bad idea, and i wont. That will only show her i feel bad for what happened, and she'll use that to victimize herself and blame me for what SHE did. Been there once, learned from my mistake. I dont know what form her contact will come in, but just trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. It's obvious to me though, that she needs to be actively working on her issues in intensive therapy if this is to ever work, as no matter how much i change and grow, relationships are a two way street. I know i deserve better, as much as i love her, and i just hope she learns something from her mistakes, and finds some positive from this situation, and not all negative. Regardless, after her threats earlier in the summer of an RO, i guess it just seems fitting that now it is her who isnt "allowed" to contact me. So on the brightside, if there is contact, i know i'm safe from any threats or further aggression by her, as one phone call would have her put in jail for breach.

[Fishmedic]

Hope
 
Thanks for dropping in. That message just triggered me a little. So thank you for your support. I'm not one to lash out, but in the past i would have pushed her away or held onto her, which yes, is self defence, but other people see things differently. I had no idea an undercover police officer was sitting in his truck right next to us watching. So i'm grateful for my composure, because you never know what will happen when emotion takes over. And you're right. Its up to her to face the music and consequences for her own behaviour and mistakes. It's tough, but i appreciate the support more than you know. Thank you

[Harley Quinn]

Fm,  have you spoken to anyone local from a DV service?  I'd advise that this is a very good idea.  You may be surprised about how supportive they can be and can potentially offer advice about IF a false allegation was made against you at any point if you plan to re engage with her.  They can also help you with considering how to handle a situation if you see it arising.  I got amazing help creating a safety plan and with many other aspects of my case.  Things can and do escalate.  I'm not hearing you say that you don't want to hear from her and I'm just concerned that you do get support should you have any sort of future r/s, even non romantic. 

As a man it's a risky business, and I am sure you've considered this yourself but just to point out that the assault she claims to have suffered at the hands of the rebound may have well been a retaliation or self defence against her attack on him.  She shows a history of this type of behaviour and it could get you into trouble unless you're very clear headed and know what you're up against.  There is an interesting workshop HERE which may be helpful to you.

On the bright side, I think if she has now been prevented from contacting you then this gives you some processing time.  Have you contacted the police to establish what happened?  I'd encourage you to and get the report number from the arrest.  Having awareness of the outcome will give you peace of mind to know what terms have been imposed plus help to manage your expectations of if/when you're likely to hear from her.

Love and light x

[Fishmedic]

HQ,

Thank you for the advice. The police called me on Thursday, just to confirm that she had been released on conditions not to have any contact with me. They left a voicemail sometime during the night that everything happened, a week ago Thursday, but I never called back. I got an occurrence number from the officer.

I’m still pretty “off” right now. I haven’t really discussed this with anyone, other than my Therapist who I saw last Wednesday. None of my friends or family know that we had reinitiated contact, so it’s not something I really feel like getting into with those who have helped support me through this whole ordeal. I must admit, I’m quite surprised I haven’t heard anything from her. Not a peep. I have a gut feeling she’ll reach out at some point, but surprised that hasn't happened yet. Which is probably for the best, as I’m still very much processing this situation. Right now I’m just focusing as best I can on living my life, keeping busy, got back to Jiu Jitsu 3x this week after not going all summer. Played hockey last night, working on some online courses, but in the back of my mind, it’s as if I’m just waiting for her to reach out again. It just seems surreal. After 4 months of her being with someone else, but clearly stalking and trying to get my attention, then we have a week and a half of normalcy, and then this happens. The way I’m TRYING to view things right now, is that the Universe is making it clear that we should not be in one anothers lives right now. It’s evident she hasn’t done any of the self work that is required of her to function and be in a healthy relationship, and while I’m doing the work, and have been for months, I still have much more to do.

[Harley Quinn]

This sounds a very level headed attitude.  That Universe does have a way of bringing us situations to force us to take stock and assess where we're at with what we want deep down.  It's good you recognise some light of day things when you are given time and space.  It's not always easy to step back in this way.  We're all a work in progress, learning and growing all the time, (or else we'd all be the Dalai Lama) so don't knock yourself that you still have work to do.  Most of us do. Restarting activities you'd allowed to drop off is really positive and 3x in one week is real commitment!  Good on you.  It's also a great way to get present with yourself.

Love and light x

[hope2727]

Please take careful care of yourself. IT is easy to minimize what happens to us. A psychologist told me that if a stranger did to me the things my ex did I would have him charged. Loved ones are supposed to treat us better than strangers... .not worse. This same psychologist told me that the reason people continue with these horrible behaviours is that there are no immediate and serious consequences. If the consequence is delayed to long or isn't severe enough the reward of the bad act is to great and overcomes the risk of consequences.

My "step son" has a curse jar. All adults are charged for swearing. Originally it was 25cents per swear. Then using the lords name in vain went up to $5. Needless to say I haven't let anything like that slip in awhile. Last weekend the F bomb was raised to $10. It only took me one slip up and fine to stop. He is 8 and sets the rates, enforces and collects all fines. Ummm yeah as a friend told me the punishment had to hurt enough to make me stop. 25cents just didn't hurt enough.

This is a blessing for you and your ex. You are worthy and deserving of a happy healthy relationship. She is too. Maybe this is the wake up call she needs to get some lasting help. It has to hurt enough. Sad but reality.

Ok thats just my 2 cents and we all know what that is worth. 

I hope you are having a better day today.

[Fishmedic]

Thanks for the kind words. I like the swear jar analogy. It's very true, if there are no consequences, theres no reason to change behaviour. That being said, there are those of us who learn from our mistakes, but there are also those who do not. My ex is a perpetual victim, even the first time this happened over 3yrs ago, it some how ended up being my fault and "how could i do that to her". So i dont know, i'm starting to think i actually may not hear from her again, as this time it's cut and dry. No one called the cops on anyone. A police officer witnessed it and arrested her. 
Just having a bit if a rough weekend. Its Thanksgiving up here (canada), and we didnt have our usual family get together this year. Holidays are a trigger, as she doesn't get invited to her own family functions, so i used to try to bring her to mine, but she would make up stories as to how my family hates her, or that i didnt want her there but was doing it out of pity etc. Then would make me feel bad for going. Hard to believe i miss having this woman in my life at all, and words or logic can't explain it, i just do. I care for her deeply, and i just hope one day she'll get the help she needs so she can experience what life is supposed to be like.

[hope2727]

Aww fish medic I hear you about thanksgiving. I'm a Canuck too. I went to a neighbours for dinner yesterday but left rather quickly as it was just to much for me. Today I was babysitting my friend's dog so that was nice. He just picked the beast up. But even with the dog I was lonely all day. I managed to get some work done but mostly I numbed out watching Game of Thrones.

I don't get invited to my family gatherings either but in truth its a bit of a relief. Some families are more stress than support. I usually make a turkey for my roommate and some friends but the roomie moved out recently and the friends had other plans. So it was me and some left over curry today.

I am in the prairies so I used the day to get some yard clean up done and now I am trying to purge my closets. I did manage to practice my scales for my music lesson on Tuesday so that is positive. I hope that you found something to fill your day and bring yourself some peace. Remember that this is just a day. Yes its sad and yes its lonely but tomorrow is Monday and the sun will come up and we can make a fresh start all over again. Hugs and Happy Thanksgiving.   

[blueblue12]

Hi Fishmedic,
How are things with you? I am sorry to read that things derailed so quickly and so badly. I guess as expected in some ways. Keep your strength and move forward, I know easily said, it is hard, but you don’t deserve the drama, take care.

[hope2727]

Hey Fish Medic. How are you holding up? Was thinking of you today. Hope you are doing ok. Sometimes after the initial shock of these events wear off there is kind of a bounce back trauma that brings up some lousy emotions. Keep on keeping on.

[Fishmedic]

Hey, I appreciate you both checking in. I won’t lie, I’ve been fairly down the last 2 weeks since the events happened 2 weeks ago yesterday. I just keep reminding myself it is what it is, and that things will never be different unless she does the work she needs to do. As for me, I continue to work on myself, practicing self love to the best of my ability, and just hope/pray one day she finds peace and happiness, regardless if she’s in my life or not. I truly just wish the best for her, and hope one day she gets the help she needs. It’s tough, I ruminate daily, constant reminders, not to mention I keep thinking she’ll reach out at some point, which I know she will, but that doesn’t mean anything will change on her end. The fall weather, rain and darkness isn’t making things any easier, it’s a tough time a year regardless, dark and dreary, but just trying to keep the focus on myself right now. Hope all is well with the both of you.