will my ex BPD bf come back to me?

[liligilyan]

do my ex BPD bf come back to me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperJew82]

Can you elaborate a little more?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi niloofar and Welcome 

Thanks for posting.  We're here to help so do tell us a little about your situation and how we can best support you.  Is your exBPDbf diagnosed with BPD?  What happened that brought you here?  This is a safe place to talk and share your feelings so when you're ready, let us know the details.  We all look out for one another here.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi niloofar,



Are you wondering if a pwBPD will come back after a break-up?

Are you also wondering how long it takes for a pwBPD to come back?

[liligilyan]

yes I wounder this question?

[zeus123]

Hi niloofar. How you doing today? Tell us more about your relation with your ex. What happened? And what do you know about BPD?

[liligilyan]

hello
I am 30 years old and I live in Tehran capital of Iran. I have master in anthropology and before this crisis I work in advertising company. my job is advertising counsel ter and marketing and I love my work very much but I left my job now and stay at home because of the bad experience I have with BPD person .

The story is begin from last year. I work in magazine is related to advertisement and marketing. I do my job very well so it make me best employee in this company. my mangers is the lady that help me to my way in work and in my life. we are so close and she is my best friend she is married and have very good family and husband. always she talk about her family. one day she show me video clip in her laptop that twin brother with another actor and actress sing a song. I know one of the twin brother. he is play music in the famous band and I love him because he is my nostalgia of my childhood. but another one I don't know him. my manager say they are family of her husband and have very good and rich family and all of the member of family are medical doctor their parents and the children. all of them are doctor and this two brother is vet but she said she hate the brother. I don't know him because of he is philander and woman open and she disgusting him.  it is remain I follow this two brother in instagram as fan.

one day I see that Stranger text me that "do you love pet?" I post my cat pictures in my page. I said yes. he said I have 40 dogs and 20 cats and one fox  and he introduce himself I recognise him. he said about him self, his job, and all of the art that he has. he is so handsome too, with blue lovely eyes. we get in touch with other with phone. after 2 month he wants me to date with him. I don't trust him because of this 2 month is past that I have date with him. I visit in studio that he is sing and remix old song with another famous actor. after that it is like he magic me. I love him alot. he is all the thing that the girl want, educated artist, handsome, kind, rich, so I think I walk in dream. our next date he invite me to his house. it is not house. it is palace with big garden.

his name is S. he show me his garden, his studio that he build, his paint, and we are go to the bedroom and have first sex.  I understand that he has problem. he don't have ejaculation. that I know letter because of diabetes and prostate problem and letter. I know that he must use one tablet call varzasion to have sex.  we are in sex that one girl come besides the window of S. she is come to room and see us. S. attack on her and start to beat her, slap in her face, and she ask who is this girl? I see this and I leave his home. this girl name is Az. then he text me she is only my trainer. I keep my distance to him but we are in common with phone. he send me nude video that he love. he like shemale porn group sex. that it is Stranger for me because of our culture. for example he send me porn that two gay boy f*** woman and he said he had sex with his sister when they are child.  

in February my family travel to another  country so I become alone for 40 days. one day one day I call S. and he want come to my house. I am so alone so I accept. he is come after that for 3 weeks. he steel with me I go to my work in morning and he go to his house and we back to my home in the afternoon. I recognise that about 10 girl in common with him and he has chat and phone call from them. one of them is Sa. and I react to this. he said all of them are fan and social friend. one day he call me. I am at work and he is in his house. one girl call A. that have long term relationship with him attack S. with the knife and get his hand injury. he come to my house and I cure it. he is spend money like he don't live tomorrow so always he has no money. I understand that his certificate of veterinary is cancelled. he said it is because political parties  and he don't have income by himself only, the rent of oneach level of their home. that it is 4000 dollars in month that he share with mother brother and his sister that live abroad. when he get money he spend all of them to the object that he love. he has many collection the old TV old phone... .

when he is with me I understand he use taramodol. it is remain before spring. he bought flowers and tress for his garden. it is about 1000 dollars so he don't have money. his sister call him and wants money. he is wants me money. I have golds that I bought from my salary. I give my golds to the person and he give me about 1000 dollars loan that I send to him that he send to his sister. my mom come back and S.in spring went to village that his parents live. theye live in village because of illness and oddness. in this time I visit my therapist and I explain I have bad mood because of his girlfriend. he said to me he is gay. when I talk about him and his manner and he is addicte and you can not have good realtion with him. my therapist has PhD in sex therapy from Germany.

but I love him and don't want to accept.  the time is remain he is back and we visit each other about 5 days of the day. if I can I want to stay with him all the time. he is need my help about money. I give him about 250 dollars in month from my salary to help him. I see Sa. a is calling him and visit him but he said it is regular friend. don't be jealous. the time is remain and I love him more and more. he is like spring weather, some times good some times anxious, some times depressed but I fall in love. and I don't see any thing.

after 3 month his mother come to the house. he introduced me to his mother and I think I become bride of him. he wants to see my mother but I don't want. he come lonely. I must say that he visit my aunt and want to visit my uncles. the time is remain. one day he call me and wants money. he said he wants to get sponsor for his studio. I don't have money at that time so I cook dish and go to his house. he give me keys of his home. I come near studio and call him.

S. he  come and beat me, swearing me, and slap in my face. I understand that he has date with girl. S. is in touch with 10 girl at one time. after that I apologise him and we are back to our realtion. I understand that he in touch with other girl call B. she is singer. he said me she has husband but I know that he is single. latter he shows me picture of his friend Sa. and B. and say they are only my social friend. Sa. always comments his post on lovely way. he said B. wants to go to Germany. I say why you don't go to Europe? he studied in Europe. he said I don't have visa. I understand he is deported. time goes.

one day he show me the voice massage from Sa. to his brother. his brother is teacher of music of her. she said bad thing to him. after that S. brother was over. do 2 alchol he call me and I send 2000 dollars to him. and give 400 dollar from Sa. I must be say that his father don't help him and his family and his wife too. however he is so rich. he is alcohol addict and  Beast too. the time goes.

we got to his 42 birthday is come. I want to party with him. he said don't come. Sa. is come. if she leave I call you come. I said OK. at the 6 pm I call him and say she leave or not. he is become anger and Swearing me and block my number. and then I go to his instagram. I see his post and become angry. at the 8 pm I drive to his home and see that Sa. leave home. I attack her and beat him. she call S. he is come and beat me and I beat him too. he wants attack me with bunch. so I pull steering lock to defend my self. I kick the door and shout to Sa. old b**** you can rich S. police come. S. run away. Sa. from another door.  all of the neighbers come to Street  and police want catch him. but I said I don't have complain. then because of the calm down the situation I say get on my ca.r he get on my car. I am very angry. he said to me I only give money from Sa. and why you come and do this in my birthday. bring me to your mom. I start the car and drive in crazy form in highway with him. he is afraid and kick the door of car. and in one Street he get of the car and run away with tattered clothes. I call him with strange number. he tell me I am in hospital. I go to his house and say to his brother and he said me he is in hospital. after the week I understand he was in home.

after that at the night I text Sa. and say I apologise you. and I explain our realtion. she screenshot my chat and send to S. S. text me and Swearing me. I said to him you are nothing. the only thing is you are ___ that have nothing. 2 days after that I call S. with strange number. he said to me Sa. is complain you to police and wants money. to satisfy i said to my mom and she call her and get the satisfaction of he.r tomorrow of this day me and my mom and S. and Sa. come to office to give satisfy letter and give the check. Sa said to me S. visit her mom and she invest in his studio. and they want marry S. tell to my mom I don't marry to any one because of diabetes and Infertility. the day after that S. has live on instagram that play music. Sa. joined him. I watch this. I have long black hair that S. is like. I cut my hair and went to pharmacy. bought diazpam and eat. my mom come back. she is become angry and beat me. I drink my perfume too and call S. I have suicide.  he come. my sister shocked and grab his hand. my uncle is come too. he is medical doctor. S. said do you know she want to suicide 2 time with poison. when I was with him. it is lay my mom and S. and my uncle is bring to hospital. S. leave me. and me beside my family go to poison hospital.
 
after that I went to psychiatrist.  he give me sertrailin that i use. it up to now one day. mom call S. and he said he eject morphine. we  keep in touch with the other until he went to village with his parents. one day I said S. can we back to our good day. he said no. and my mother wants to come and complain to you to police and block me. the day after that I call him he swearing me again and extortion money. and he said he must give me money to satisfy. my mom take my phone and shut it off and I don't have phone for 3 weeks.

after that I get my phone and don't have any connection to S. S. give money from all the girl near to him and have scam document in court.  I am so sad because my manner. if I don't become angry in his birthday this thing never happen. I must say that S. is similar to my dad. both of them are intelligence and my dad is the best science in mine science in Iran. both of them are rich and have problem with the family. both of them have diabetes. because of this I attract S. my dad pass his way 6 years ago. I want to know after this story do you think he back and I discover my manner is like historic disaster. because of that I love. him do you think he is back?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi niloofar,

I'm sorry to hear about the time you've had.  It's clear that you still have strong feelings for this man despite everything that has happened.  What would be your ideal situation now? 

Some of the experiences within this r/s must have been very painful for you and I'm glad that you have a therapist to give you support with your emotions.  How long has it been since you last had any contact with your ex and what has your therapist advised you?  Sometimes a little time apart can do us good to take stock and think about what wasn't working well in the r/s and what we want to do differently if we do ever try again.  Do you feel safe when you are around him?  I know there has been violence on both sides and that's a little worrying, along with your suicidal feelings at one time.  I'm glad you got help with that and I hope the medication is helping you.  How are you feeling in yourself at the moment?

You mention your best friend being someone you worked with.  Are you still in contact and is she someone you can share your feelings with?  It helps to have people you can talk to when you are going through such a difficult time.  Keep posting.  Other members here are struggling too and we all support one another, so it's a good place to share and learn together.

Love and light x

   

[liligilyan]

I feel guilty because I know him and his problem. but I make my self to be in this poison relation. in our culture it is hard to be single. the other people call you pickle because you can't find husband. and the most important to them is virginity. the girl must be virgin up to the weeding ceremony. now a day in the big city it change. hopefully the thing that atract me for my ex is his education, his money, his family so I start the realtion. after that I like his manner too. but after the time I know that so many problems is exist. it is very hard for me to forget him and his situation. if I marry him all of the people around me jealous on me. and I realise my self from single to be queen. but all the girl in common with him think like me so the race is star.t and I like race but I lose. and now Sa. I think win .do you think he pass the Sa. like another girl? do you think he back to me?if it is happen I do anything to rescue our realtion. I think it is the best situation for me to marriage but I loose him in bad way

[liligilyan]

another things make me unhappy is my manner to him. I don't have permission to this bad thing. I don't have permission to go to his house on that day but jealous make me very angry and do the thing. must be not happen. please pray for me that my love come back. I fix all of the problems with myself only he back.

[liligilyan]

I must be say that S is the best boy I see and best friend. I have he is so kind, so lovely. when he kiss me, when he manner on me, when he be with me, I can not forget his kind and his love to me. but this old disgusting girl stole him from me. I wish her bad omen

[Harley Quinn]

We all make mistakes and it's good that you recognise your jealousy and anger caused you to act in an unhealthy way.  I'm glad that you wish to work on yourself. 

At the same time, it would be wise to take this time now to think about what is important to you in a relationship.  For example, feeling safe.  There appear to be real physical risks involved in being around him, and the violent behaviour has included a knife with another woman.  This is something to take seriously. 

How do you feel about his behaviour when he is not being loving and kind towards you?  Is he diagnosed with BPD and does he see any doctors/therapists about this?

Love and light x   

[liligilyan]

no I think he don't know about his mental disease

[Vent]

Hi
I am sorry you are going through this
I am also new here.but from my experience I will say read more about BPD from here n there... keep posting... dnt isolate yourself.dnt feel guilty... continue your therapy... more you read about BPD n posts from u will understand what happened with you n what will be your future... keep safe yourself.you are not alone we all are here

[liligilyan]

Hi and another things make me sad is addiction of S. he is addicted to taramodol and amphetamine and morphine. it is very hard for me to see my love on this situation. I love him. until now but I have no connection to him about 2 months. I pray for him to rescue from this dark and come back to life. I have connection to psychiatrist and yes police is save us from danger. but I miss him and want to help him. now I am full of shame for the argument I have with S. and Sa. I feel I can help him but the anger make me in bad mod. and now I am sorry for past. I think Sa. win in this problem and have S. do you think he is back to me?

[liligilyan]

I want to call him again I am full of pain and I can't live without him how is your experience about that please help me?

[heartandwhole]

Hi liligilyan,

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad right now. It's very normal to feel sad after a breakup, and to want to see the person. I felt that way, too.

But, if you give yourself some time to feel your feelings and keep reaching out for support, you'll see that with time things will get better. I was hurting so much after my breakup, and now my life has changed for the better.

Try to hold on and keep leaning on others for support. You can't save him—only he can decide to change his life. But you can change your life and be happy. It's hard, but we are here for you.

What can you do just for yourself right now to feel better?

heartandwhole

P.S. When you write about your guy, please just use his initial "S." and not the full name. We don't want any real names in the posts, because this is a private and secure site.  

[liligilyan]

I really miss him I want to send message to him please help me in which way I connect to him?

[Harley Quinn]

liligilyan,

Am I right in understanding that he is in a relationship with another woman?  How do you think your message might be received and what would you hope for?

It is painful to lose someone, and at times you will feel that pain more strongly than others.  This is normal and OK.  The worse times pass and don't stay forever.  If you can tell yourself that and try to resist acting on your feelings you will get through this more easily.  Opening up the wound does not help it to heal.  What do you do with your time?  Can you tell us about your activities and ways you find to soothe yourself?  Perhaps other members here can give you the benefit of their experience to help you find ways to work through this time. 

As the pain begins to become less acute, you can start to think about what might be positive next steps for yourself and any possible future that might involve your ex.  If an opportunity comes along in time for you to re connect with him there is ground work to be done before that to ensure you are in an emotionally healthier place in order to be the stable partner he would need in order to have any chance at a future together.  First you need to get through the immediate grief and distress though.

Love and light x

[liligilyan]

he is back to me he want to have sex with me what is the next step?

[Harley Quinn]

You two need to take things very very slowly if you are thinking about re starting any form of relationship.  I'd not recommend jumping straight into sex.  Some talking is needed here.  Is he still with the other woman?  Do you feel safe around him?

Love and light x

[liligilyan]

he said no their relationship is end but I feel he laying me he is with another girl too he said to me he wants to immigrant to Norway with her and her husband but he said to me I am with you and wants sex from me he said I love your body your breast and I want to sex with you

[liligilyan]

he is start charging with me and speak with me the only things he want from me and my family is respect he think we break his confidence