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Author Topic: Finally broke up after a big fight  (Read 824 times)
donkey2016
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« on: October 05, 2017, 07:25:36 PM »

Hello,
I wanted for a long time to break up with my boyfriend, who I suspects has BPD, but I couldn't get myself to it. He has moved to another city a few hours from here. Last weekend he was here and he started a terrible argument about some things I was keeping here for a male friend. My kids were at home (he's not their father) but in their rooms when he was making a drama. He disappeared with the things and reappeared telling me that he thrown everything all. He was raging - but seemed calmer after he got rid of the things.

I wanted him to leave but he refused. I told him it's over and still he decided to stay at my place. The next day he went back to his new city - where he has a job and an apartment now. I felt bad but it was not until this Monday even more Tuesday - I realized how scared I felt for myself and my kids. I texted him and told him that I want to have a break from the relationship and I don't want him to come here for a while. He kept on calling me and texting me, also calling me hiding his number, but I haven't answered him. It's difficult to deal with him. I tried to break up in the past and he gets into a rage or threatens with suicide. That's why this time I decided not to respond to him.

He doesn't have the keys to my apartment but still I feel nervous of the thought that he will show up here outside my door. I'm feeling almost like calling or texting just to check that he's not already here in my city or on his way here.

I have help from a psychologist who understands the situation. I have also called a helpline for victims of violence, which is has helped me a lot. Also this web site has been very useful and helpful for me. Any thoughts or suggestions what to do next? I'm grateful if anyone has similar experiences to share.

Donkey2016
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2017, 07:22:39 PM »

Hi Donkey2016,

If you're certain this is it for you, do you feel he understands that from what you explained to him and how did you leave things when he left?  It sounds as though you may have backtracked to wanting to take a break from saying that it was over.  Where do things stand in your own mind right now?

Regards what to expect him to do and what to do yourself now, that would depend on the circumstances that arise, so I'd encourage you to consider what the possibilities are and plan accordingly.  How has he generally reacted in similar situations in the past once the initial rage has subsided?  I know you mention he would threaten suicide.  Should you need it, here's the link to the Safety First document, which has a section on handling SI.   

Importantly Donkey2016, do you feel physically safe?  Am I right in understanding that you've experienced violence within the r/s?  If so, how recently was he physically abusive towards you?  I'm glad to hear you have some support in place.  Have you created a safety plan with guidance from the DV service?  I found my DV support service extremely helpful and it was surprising to me how comprehensive their support was.  If you don't already have a plan in place I'd encourage you to do that and also seek their advice on how to handle this particular situation if they are familiar with your case.  Well done for taking the positive steps that you have.

Excerpt
He doesn't have the keys to my apartment but still I feel nervous of the thought that he will show up here outside my door. I'm feeling almost like calling or texting just to check that he's not already here in my city or on his way here.
 
This will seem like an impossible task when you are feeling anxious about his whereabouts, however the only thing that pulled me away from that state was to try to regain my focus on routine things and normality.  If he turns up against your wishes, you don't have to let him in and you should call the police if you feel in danger of harm. 

If you were to text him, what would you plan to say?  Perhaps you could do a draft here before sending so we can help you through this.  Have you used any of the tools on Improving to communicate with him? 

Love and light x

     

 
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« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2017, 08:16:28 PM »

Hi Harley Quinn,

Thank you so much for answering my post. I had problems understanding the first part of your answer - I'll have to reread it tomorrow when less tired.

He has never hit me or the children, but I have been scared a few times.

At first I resisted to text him even when he was texting me implying that he would commit suicide and another time threatening to call my neighbour. Somehow I got so tired of his texting that ended up answering and then of course it go worse. He called me several times using unknown number and when that didn't work he called from a public phone and I pick up because I thought it was someone else.

He came around the house late in the evening. Calling on the buzzer several times, and when we didn't open he went on the back of the building, climbed the fire escape stairs and knock on our back door and window. I finally called him and told him that I would call the police. I feel proud over myself for not giving in and going down to talk to him (he was asking me to come down). But I didn't call the police... .He finally went away. Sending me many texts implying that he will hurt himself. I have been through this before and I'm not going to respond to it. It might sound cruel but I'm so worn down that I can't let myself get involved in that again.

He was saying to me on the phone that I'm bipolar - something he told me already in the beginning that other people said about him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not a bit bipolar - or maybe it's what JohnLove says that we catch that from our BPD partner.
Donkey2016
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« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2017, 08:33:39 PM »

Apologies, I rushed my reply as I was losing power on my laptop and had a cat firmly planted on me!  The beginning was asking if you feel the r/s is over or are you taking a break and what is his understanding of your position now?

Love and light x
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donkey2016
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« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2017, 08:43:50 PM »

Hi Harley Quinn,

Okay I understand now what you mean. Hehehe - not easy with cats!  Smiling (click to insert in post) For me the relationship is over but I'm hesitating to tell him that (even though I did already) since I'm afraid that it will get even worse. I'm trying to buy time until I have been to a consultation with a social worker from a shelter. I guess that's why I also come across as bipolar - since I'm changing - I 'm not able to stand my ground and finish once and for all the relationship.

Thank you for your kind words - "well done with taken positive steps" - it was so nice to feel that support.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Donkey 2016
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« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2017, 08:50:15 PM »

Excerpt
feel proud over myself for not giving in and going down to talk to him (he was asking me to come down). But I didn't call the police... .He finally went away.

Good job! It’s tough at first to set boundaries and defend them when we didn’t have any or had floating boundaries our expwBPD know that if they push enough we’ll cave in, keep defending them. It’s like riding a bike it takes practice and eventually it comes to you naturally without a second thought.

If he does cross a boundary ad you said that you’d call the cops call them that will telegraph that you mean business.

Excerpt
Sending me many texts implying that he will hurt himself. I have been through this before and I'm not going to respond to it. It might sound cruel but I'm so worn down that I can't let myself get involved in that again.

It’s not cruel. It’s wise.

I thought for a period that I was BPD, I was questioning myself. I do have a mood disorder and anxiety disorders, that took awhile to figure that out and I had a good friend point me in the right direction. It sounds like they’re baseless accusations, he’s projecting, but if you feel like it’s possible you could always talk to a professional. I just want to say that taking care of myself and treating g my depression was a world of a difference.
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donkey2016
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« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2017, 01:36:42 PM »

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for sharing your own experiences. Yes, it gets confusing sometimes. Is it them or is me? Maybe they sense our weaknesses (anxiety and mood disorders ) and use that to get the upper hand?

I'm glad now that I didn't respond to his threats of suicide - he's still alive - again calling.

Donkey2016
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« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2017, 05:12:23 PM »

Excerpt
For me the relationship is over but I'm hesitating to tell him that (even though I did already) since I'm afraid that it will get even worse. I'm trying to buy time until I have been to a consultation with a social worker from a shelter. I guess that's why I also come across as bipolar - since I'm changing - I 'm not able to stand my ground and finish once and for all the relationship.

Hi donkey2016,

What's the progress on this?  How are things going?  

I'm wondering if the following article may be helpful to you if you are certain that leaving the r/s is your goal and committed to see it through as the best way forward for yourself and your kids.  Leaving a Partner With BPD  This may contain some tools that you haven't previously considered.  It sounds to me like there are some understandable dents in your self confidence and unfortunately leaving an abusive r/s means we must draw upon every last ounce of strength we have.  So you will need to dig deep, keep your aim in sight and focus on that when you consider your actions and words.  

Do take advice from the DV hotline you've contacted, and safeguard yourself.  You may not have been hit, but intimidation to cause fear for your safety is abusive in itself and his being unprepared to leave without threat of police action in the past is unhealthy.  If you need to talk through next steps, we are here, so keep posting and let us know how you are.

Love and light x  
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« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2017, 09:08:41 PM »

Excerpt
Maybe they sense our weaknesses (anxiety and mood disorders ) and use that to get the upper hand?

I don’t think that they sense it, I think that by nature they make those around them more anxious and it probably doesn’t help people with anxiety and mood disorders, the steady stream of negative feedback ( distortion ) can be tough for someone withhethy esteem. Your brain can create a lot of negative thoughts when your depressed, I think that they can exacerbate your symptoms but there are things that you can do to help yourself.

I agree with  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Harley Quinn, breaking up is not cut and dry but when you do decide that it is the best for you, you have to tap into your reserve energy, this is where a support group can really help you. For example maybe we’re in the FOG, it helps to have people that are in you corner that help you to see things in a clearer, broader perspective.

I’d like to echo  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Harley Quinn, how are you making out with the calls?
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« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2017, 09:32:54 PM »

Hi Harley Quinn and Mutt,

Thank you very much for your messages and thanks for the link. I have read the article before but it's worth to reread it. Detaching has helped me a lot the last two years.

I haven't responded to the phone calls, texts, or emails, today - wow - one day only it feels like a week. I'm exhausted but I feel glad to be here alone with my kids. We don't miss him.

Donkey2016
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« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2017, 03:33:44 AM »

It seems clear that you mean to get out of the relationship and now we must consider how that can become clear to your partner.  He may consider not taking his calls the 'silent treatment' from you, which can amp up the anxious emotions around abandonment and cause him to be desperately trying to reach you.  Have we been down this road before and caved?  If so he probably will follow past behaviour expecting the same outcome.  Thought process being 'she usually ignores me for 3 days/50 calls, then answers, so that is what it takes for me to persist in order to get through'. 

So we need to look at a way to move things forward whilst doing things differently from in the past when you've made attempts to disengage, then the exhausting and upsetting cycle doesn't continue for the two of you.  What do you plan to do to let him know you don't wish to return to the r/s this time?  How can this be different to previous attempts to leave?

Love and light x 
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« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2017, 07:15:03 AM »

Hello Harley Quinn,

Thank you so much for asking these questions. You nailed it. I have broken up with him (and him with me) several times - and then as you said "caved in" and taking him back again. I have also been thinking about that - how to make it clear this time that's it's really over. I broke up with him in mid-May but continued to have contact with him (almost every day he would come to my house) and eventually we got back together. I went through an awful time with rages and suicide threats - which I found very difficult to deal with. I also believed that I needed his help with different things to get by daily.

This time I feel things are different. We don't live in the same city anymore.  I'm also decided to not give in for the suicide threats and other threats (such as painting me black at my work, destroy the car). I think he also sense that it's different - this is the first time that I haven't let him in  to my house. It's also the first time that I have contacted the police - before it was just empty threats - even if they didn't do anything (since he was not at my house at that time) - he still takes that seriously. He doesn't like to lose his face - he wants to keep up a facade that he's the reasonable one. 

I thinking that maybe I can email him Monday night that it's over between us and ask him not to come to my house. I'm waiting because I 'm not 100% sure he's back in that other city, maybe he's still close by, and if he gets an email like that maybe he'll be here around my house again.
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« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2017, 03:43:24 PM »

OK so what is your plan for if he appears at your home?  Let's look at that in isolation so that you can be prepared for that eventuality should it arise for any reason.  Perhaps then you can feel a little more confident.  Would you feel safe and secure if he came to your home? 

What are your personal boundaries around people turning up uninvited and against your wishes?  Is that OK with you?

What would you want to express to him and how?     
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« Reply #13 on: October 10, 2017, 04:24:29 PM »

Hello Harley Quinn,

Thank you again for writing to me.

He was here last Friday evening trying to get in. Ringing on the buzzer downstairs (I live in an apartment) and climbing the fire escape stairs and banging on the back door. It felt scary . I called him and texted him to leave us along otherwise I would call the police. Finally he gave up.

Now during the weekdays I feel okay since he's away in that other city a few hours from here - probably I'll start to feel nervous towards the of the week - afraid that he'll back Friday. I didn't write or talk to him yet. He's been calling me and texting several times. I'm still not sure what I can tell him exactly. I thinking about the BIFF that you posted the link to in another thread of posts. I'll try to make use of that.

I really starting to realizing how bad this relationship has been for me and for my kids.

I'm waiting to see a social worker at a shelter to get some guidance what to do next.

Donkey 2016

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« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2017, 10:06:27 AM »

 
Excerpt
He was here last Friday evening trying to get in. Ringing on the buzzer downstairs (I live in an apartment) and climbing the fire escape stairs and banging on the back door. It felt scary . I called him and texted him to leave us along otherwise I would call the police. Finally he gave up.

Hey Donkey, I admire your determination.  This last episode sounds scary.  Have you considered getting a Protection Order from the Police?  It seems like you have grounds for seeking such an Order.

LuckyJim

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« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2017, 02:07:50 PM »

Hi LuckyJim,

I went to the police after the first episode happened (when he destroyed my ex husband's computer and other things) and they didn't take it seriously. They just told me to call the police if he tries to enter. I didn't do that when he came around the house. Plus I realized afterwards that I don't even have proof that he was here trying to get in! He texted me but didn't say anything about trying to get in! So smart of him. So if I'll go to the police again then would certainly find that stupid. I think I have to start with sending him an email that it's over and that he shouldn't come to my house.

Donkey2016
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« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2017, 02:26:23 PM »

Well, usually it only requires an Affidavit from you to get a Protection Order, but I am uncertain about the rules in your particular jurisdiction.  Generally you don't need "evidence."  Worth a call to your local Police Station or to the DV hotline.

LJ
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« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2017, 06:23:11 PM »

Thanks - I'll look into that.
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« Reply #18 on: October 12, 2017, 12:13:49 AM »

Good Job! You are being strong!

"No I won't back down."-T.Petty


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« Reply #19 on: October 12, 2017, 04:42:18 AM »

Excerpt
I think I have to start with sending him an email that it's over and that he shouldn't come to my house.

How are you doing with this?  Have you sent him the email and how did it go?  If not you could post it here first and we can look at it together.

Love and light x
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« Reply #20 on: October 12, 2017, 01:50:22 PM »

Hello Harley Quinn,

I sent him the email. I hesitated a lot before since I was afraid it would trigger a bad reaction, but decided to send it to him to have proof that I have broken up with him. He became like crazy and he called me and told me that he'll get  a gun and commit suicide. I have called the police since I'm afraid that he'll come here. Again the police is just telling me that there's nothing they can do and just to call them if he comes around the house and tries to get in. I'm considering now to go to a hotel tonight. I have tried to talk to him over the phone. He told me that he changed his mind and not going to do anything, instead he's going back to work tomorrow. Right now I don't know even where he is. I feel like frozen - undecided - should I go to a hotel or not? I can't make up my mind.
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« Reply #21 on: October 12, 2017, 02:15:24 PM »

Hey donkey, It sounds like you would feel a lot safer if you went to a hotel or motel for the night, so I would suggest going if it's feasible for you.  Alternatively, maybe there is a friend or family member who you could stay with?  Stay strong and keep up the good work!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #22 on: October 14, 2017, 03:08:20 PM »

Hi donkey,

It's hard to let go when our partner doesn't want to. 

How are you doing? Update us when you can. We care and want to know what's happening. 

heartandwhole
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« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2017, 07:23:53 PM »

Hi

Thank you so much for your concern - LuckyJim and HeartandWhole. I'm doing well but it has been very stressful last couple of days. Ex keeps calling me but at least he seems to have calmed down now. I found it was very helpful to read about suicide threats - a link that Harley Quinn had provided in another thread. It seems like my ex boyfriend is afraid to involve the police. I have called both the suicide helpline, the local police where I live, when I told him that he seems to calm down after awhile. The advice I got from the local police was to call the local police in the city he lives so that they can check on him. I didn't do that - but it's good to know if it gets to a crisis again.  A social worker at a shelter who I spoke to over the phone told me not to give in for his emotional blackmailing to tell him it's still over - even if he's threatening with suicide. It felt difficult to stand my ground but I did and maybe that helped both him and me. Maybe he realizes how terrible it is for me with his threats - and that it doesn't make sense to be together because he needs it!

I feel exhausted even sick from all the stress - but also feeling optimistic!

Donkey2-16
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« Reply #24 on: October 15, 2017, 02:45:41 PM »

Well done for getting others involved and supporting you, so that you know what to do if a situation arises.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  It takes a lot of strength to stand strong as you are, so most definitely depletes you, however you are doing great and staying consistent with your message, which is important.  Clarity is vital in both your words and actions to show you have the resolve to stick with this and end the cycle.  No doubt you have surprised him by doing things differently.  Just be aware he may also try a change of approach / tactics to get your attention.  Try to take extra good care of yourself to keep up your energy reserves and keep those support numbers on speed dial.  The more back up you have and people in the know, the more secure you will begin to feel.
 Do you also have a DV advocate from a local support service/agency?  I found it so valuable to have their help creating a safety plan and to know exactly what I would do if things became heated.  Covering all of your bases and having a clear plan of action in your mind will help you to rest more easily and calm any anxiety by allowing you to feel more in control of what happens in your space. 

Keep us posted donkey2016.  Thinking of you.

Love and light x
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« Reply #25 on: October 16, 2017, 10:53:31 AM »

Excerpt
A social worker at a shelter who I spoke to over the phone told me not to give in for his emotional blackmailing to tell him it's still over - even if he's threatening with suicide. It felt difficult to stand my ground but I did and maybe that helped both him and me.

Hey donkey, I agree w/that social worker.  I was highly susceptible to manipulation from my BPDxW, who threatened suicide many times.  At the end of the day, it was just crying wolf.  If you give in to manipulation, it opens the door for more of the same.  I admire you for standing your ground, so give yourself credit.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #26 on: October 16, 2017, 08:25:36 PM »

Thank you very much both LuckyJim and Harley Quinn for encouraging words  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). I'll try to look into my legal possibilities - I'm waiting for an appointment with the social worker at the shelter and I'll ask about that. I also have a lawyer (because of custody issues with my ex. husband) so I can see him also.

Yes, it's very exhausting. I was sick and exhausted most of the weekend but feeling hopeful, but I know it's not finished yet.



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« Reply #27 on: October 23, 2017, 07:38:28 PM »

Hello,
It seems that he has cut me off completely now - there's no contact. I didn't try to contact him and I didn't answer texts that he sent me Friday. Still I feel like he cut me off. Maybe also because he has changed settings and passwords to some services we both had that he was responsible for - so I don't have access to that anymore. I feel like a mix of relief, missing him, and anxiety over what he will do next. I know it doesn't really make sense. I have started going to therapy with a social worker at a shelter. I found that it was very helpful with the first session. I just feel so tired and exhausted. Harley Quinn, I have read your answers to other people's posts and I found that very insightful. One post - you wrote as a advice to set small goals for themselves. I'm going to try that. I realizing from reading other posts that I'll probably never have closure for this relationship.

One thing that's good is that my kids are more happy now.
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Harley Quinn
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #28 on: October 23, 2017, 07:53:40 PM »

It's great to hear from you.  Yes, the trick right now is to really focus on you and try to let go of the worries over what he may or may not do.  Easier said than done, I know.  However in doing that you will keep your mind occupied in a way that serves you and is working on your own well being, albeit giving yourself a distraction to keep you going.  I found it helpful to get enrolled in things, stuff I aspired to anyway and line things up like counselling, trauma focused CBT, etc.  I don't know if you practice mindfulness but I'm a big advocate and do feel that in difficult times it can be so incredibly helpful.  There is an article here on Wisemind to give a bit of an overview that might be helpful. 

Just aim to put self care as top of your priority list, whatever you do and you will find yourself building in strength and making positive changes that can shift things in your life.  Even picking up something that you allowed to fall by the wayside due to other stressors can be really empowering.  It's so wonderful to hear that the kids are feeling happier already.  This is great evidence that what you've decided is good, not only for you but for your whole family.  No bigger motivator for onwards and upwards.  You're doing great!  Small steps add up to miles and remember to stop and congratulate yourself on these.  You'll find your own closure along the way and it's better like that than hanging onto the hope of something that isn't likely to be achievable.  You're in the driving seat now   

Love and light x   
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We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
donkey2016
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 88



« Reply #29 on: October 24, 2017, 07:20:22 PM »

Hi Harley Quinn,
Thank you so much for your post! That's funny you're mentioning that I'm in the driving seat now - I used to be afraid of driving and now I'm driving every day. Yes, I like mindfulness - I'm doing yoga when I can and also did a few meditation classes. Good advice to look into trauma therapy CBT. I was thinking about that today - that maybe I need that. With the social worker I'm going to work on being better in keeping boundaries.
donkey2016
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