6 Months out & finding forgiveness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been 6 months now since my discard and yesterday I bumped into her mum. It hit me like a train, and in that moment I realised I am not as over it as I had hoped to be.

I realise that, above all, what's keeping me stuck here is hatred and my inability to forgive her.

Unable to answer the following questions has left me totally stuck in a world of hate, and completely unable to forgive:

After everything she did to me... .
- How could she?
- Who does that?
- Why did she do that?
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Why cause me such agony?
- What did I ever do to her that was so bad?

These are questions I had desperately asked her to answer immediately following the discard; I needed to know what I had done to deserve it. But she never gave me an answer. And that's because she couldn't, she didn't know what I had done that was so wrong, she just felt it.

But there is actually a reason she did it, and I literally have only just come to accept it.

The reason she did to me what she did is simply this: Because I caused her so much pain.

I was far from perfect I admit, but I was never malicious (my biggest failing was my ignorance of her condition), but she perceived everything in the worst possible light. Hyper-sensitivity to what she perceives to be negative judgement, as well as high emotionality, led her to constantly feel betrayal, heartbreak, rejection, and abandonment, even when those things didn't exist anywhere but inside her head.

Me being away or not responding to a text in 10 minutes or because I was asleep, in her mind was agony. She would imagine me cheating on her or some other worst case scenario. This would lead her to drink, chain smoke, rip up my clothes, threaten suicide and become generally enraged. She would even use this false perception to self-justify infidelity. The fact I was just asleep in bed never crossed her mind. It is honestly the most crazy making experience to be on the receiving end of, and staggeringly emotional. I only wish I'd understood it then, rather than just thinking (and telling her) that she was acting crazily.  

Because of this, she had to make me feel the pain I had inflicted upon her. It was her only relief. And for her own sanity, she had to push me away and detach herself completely from me emotionally. I was killing her.

Tragically, the closer she is to someone, the more she fears betrayal, heartbreak, and rejection. The more she loves someone, the greater these feelings are. For her, love is hurt.

I suppose I should be flattered, but I don't think it's particularly subjective. In her mind, anyone capable of hurting her, will do. And anyone who she has feelings for is capable of hurting her. Therefore anyone she has feelings for will hurt her. And that's that. It was just my turn.

This realisation makes me feel so so sorry for her, and for me having put her through that. It does not remove my affection for her, but instead makes it stronger. And hatred is beginning to be replaced with sympathy.

But at the same time, I cannot let that back into my life again, no matter how much I think I might want to, or even if she wanted to.

I will never be forgiven. And that's the tragedy of BPD. Another needlessly destroyed relationship between two people who, when they were good, were truly incredible.

In this, I honestly, for the first time, feel closer to forgiveness.

Roll on the next 6 months!

Elmurr

[Elmurr]

It's been 6 months now since my discard and yesterday I bumped into her mum. It hit me like a train, and in that moment I realised I am not as over it as I had hoped to be.

I realise that, above all, what's keeping me stuck here is hatred and my inability to forgive her.

Unable to answer the following questions has left me totally stuck in a world of hate, and completely unable to forgive:

After everything she did to me... .
- How could she?
- Who does that?
- Why did she do that?
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Why cause me such agony?
- What did I ever do to her that was so bad?

These are questions I had desperately asked her to answer immediately following the discard; I needed to know what I had done to deserve it. But she never gave me an answer. And that's because she couldn't, she didn't know what I had done that was so wrong, she just felt it.

But there is actually a reason she did it, and I literally have only just come to accept it.

The reason she did to me what she did is simply this: Because I caused her so much pain.

I was far from perfect I admit, but I was never malicious (my biggest failing was my ignorance of her condition), but she perceived everything in the worst possible light. Hyper-sensitivity to what she perceives to be negative judgement, as well as high emotionality, led her to constantly feel betrayal, heartbreak, rejection, and abandonment, even when those things didn't exist anywhere but inside her head.

Me being away or not responding to a text in 10 minutes or because I was asleep, in her mind was agony. She would imagine me cheating on her or some other worst case scenario. This would lead her to drink, chain smoke, rip up my clothes, threaten suicide and become generally enraged. She would even use this false perception to self-justify infidelity. The fact I was just asleep in bed never crossed her mind. It is honestly the most crazy making experience to be on the receiving end of, and staggeringly emotional. I only wish I'd understood it then, rather than just thinking (and telling her) that she was acting crazily.  

Because of this, she had to make me feel the pain I had inflicted upon her. It was her only relief. And for her own sanity, she had to push me away and detach herself completely from me emotionally. I was killing her.

Tragically, the closer she is to someone, the more she fears betrayal, heartbreak, and rejection. The more she loves someone, the greater these feelings are. For her, love is hurt.

I suppose I should be flattered, but I don't think it's particularly subjective. In her mind, anyone capable of hurting her, will do. And anyone who she has feelings for is capable of hurting her. Therefore anyone she has feelings for will hurt her. And that's that. It was just my turn.

This realisation makes me feel so so sorry for her, and for me having put her through that. It does not remove my affection for her, but instead makes it stronger. And hatred is beginning to be replaced with sympathy.

But at the same time, I cannot let that back into my life again, no matter how much I think I might want to, or even if she wanted to.

I will never be forgiven. And that's the tragedy of BPD. Another needlessly destroyed relationship between two people who, when they were good, were truly incredible.

In this, I honestly, for the first time, feel closer to forgiveness.

Roll on the next 6 months!

Elmurr

[Seenowayout]

Totally relate.  I'm also 6 months, and still not a day goes by I don't think of her.

I've been thinking about those rages -- God they were spectacular!  Incredible screaming and slamming and running away because I wanted to have a beer with a friend, because I wanted to go for a jog, because I worked an hour over time, because I left our bed on a restless night and was looking at my phone -- it was incredible anger -- just as you describe.  What gets me was I somehow felt guilty -- I just wanted her to be happy.  Why did I go for a jog?  Why did I leave our bed?

One year ago we moved into our new shared apartment and I brought her a live potted chrysanthemum.  Well ... .I accidentally called her my ex's name a few days later (yeah, not nice, but an honest slip) -- and she threw the plant out the window in a huge rage.  One floor down and SMASH!

She later recovered it and tried to bring it back.  I have a picture  of her caring for it.  Seemed so sweet.  She always came back, tried to make it right again.  Until she didn't.  After she left me forever,  I kept that plant alive, despite a busy travel schedule and everything else -- watered and loved -- and sure enough, here we are in October -- it's flowering!

Not sure what the point of that story is.  I decided this morning that when the plant is done flowering I'm throwing it out.

[Elmurr]

Sounds pretty intense. It's obviously hard to forgive in these situations. Our egos take an enormous hit and we are left feeling like it's ALL because of us. You should have done this, you should have done that. The reality is that if we bowed down to her every want and demand she'd find you boring and weak,  and leave you. If you react she'll get worse and worse, and leave you. Same outcome every time, until she eventually grows up.

If you can forgive her for what she did and realise that it actually isn't about you then it's a huge help. Forgiving her isn't about thinking that what she did was right, it's about believing that what she did was her way of dealing with a difficult situation. You'd forgive your mum for being overly emotional. Also make sure you forget the words she said to you whilst emotional.

It's also important to let go of the guilt and genuinely forgive yourself.

[chillamom]

Elmurr, I've been taking a lot of comfort in your words, especially these: "Forgiving her isn't about thinking that what she did was right, it's about believing that what she did was her way of dealing with a difficult situation."   It's hard sometimes to remember to take their perspective on things, possibly because they were never able to see situations from any other angle save their own.

[Mutt]

Hi Elmurr,

Unable to answer the following questions has left me totally stuck in a world of hate, and completely unable to forgive:

    After everything she did to me... .
    - How could she?
    - Who does that?
    - Why did she do that?
    - What did I do to deserve this?
    - Why cause me such agony?
    - What did I ever do to her that was so bad?

I dont know your backstory. Have you given yourself closure? Many members here didn't get closure from their ex pwBPD, they had to give closure to themselves.

[Elmurr]

I'm glad to hear it Chillamon. You have to forgive, and truly believe it. If you can't do that yet, then you just need more time.

As an update, my ex contacted me last night for the first time in months following me having bumped into her mum on Monday. The encounter was fleeting and pleasant, we both just smiled at each other and waved. We always got on well and she even warned about her daughter.

My ex clearly hates this. She hates the thought of other people liking me. Especially her family, which she knows they do.

I didn't read the email, but could see a preview and it basically said "how dare you smile and wave at my mum! She isn't your friend. You two are NOT friends. She hates you... ."

Still as charming as always.

Anyway, I have no desire to reply. It made my heart race a bit initially seeing her name pop up, but I fell asleep 10 mins later with no worries or stress. The point is, it didn't bother me much.

It reminded me of how she actually is; something I'd begun to forget by looking back with rose tinted glasses.

I sit here now, completely unphased.

Progress.

My life is coming back now, and recovery seems to be exponential.

[Lostinanother]

Wow, it’s shocking that she would email you something so hatefilled after 6 months!
Maybe she was triggered by your apparent happiness and the fact you are moving on.
I often wonder if I will hear from my ex again again. The last time after I broke NC after a week she said she was depressed and waiting for me to contact her... .
weird

[Elmurr]

With my ex she has to hate me. It's her way of avoiding regretting what she did  or taking any blame for what happened. She already hates herself enough. She said to me when we broke NC 2 months in that she'd rather hate me than regret losing me. It really is love or hate. There's no in between at all.

Nothing would annoy her more than for me to be liked and to be happy. It's utterly tragic.

You'd think for someone who broke up with someone because they were cheating on them that there would be some compassion after 6 months. Maybe a , "hey mum said she saw you, I hope life's going well and that you're moving on ok after everything x", heaven forbid even a sorry, but if they're genuinely borderline, you will not get that. Ever. Her happiness is my suffering.

So there's the answer to how you "win". Move on. Be happy. Ignore them. And find someone new.

[Lostinanother]

You could take power from the fact you broke up with her.
My ex finally broke up with me because I refused to marry her... .

How could I marry her, when I couldn’t even trust her? I should have broken it off before but every time I tried she would pretty much blackmail me with suicide and threats.

I wish I could have ended it on my terms. Maybe I would have felt better about it all today.

I know she will come back into my life again one day. Maybe in 6 months or maybe in a year or two and I hope by that time I’m over the addiction and with someone knew and no feeling left for her except a residue of bitterness mixed with happy and crappy memories

[CottonClouds]

Forgiving her does not mean your feelings need to come back. Her behaviors make more sense now, but sympathy is not love. Instead of focusing on forgiveness, focus on your reality with her. What are the reasons why things happened the way they did in your relationship, and will those same things repeat if you give her another chance?

If she does forgive you, just remember she has her black paint and paintbrush ready for anyone who gets close to her.

I wish you the best,
CottonClouds

[CottonClouds]

Seenowayout,

I think that poor plant does not belong in an anaerobic landfill, why not compost it?

[Elmurr]

Considering you're two days out I think you really have a good grasp on what you need to do to get over this. The absolute goal is for you to be emotionally over her to a point that if she comes back into your life you won't want to be with her or be affected by her.

You can't hurt me anymore! Now that's a long way off.

I couldnt speak to my ex now. I know it would cause me too much pain. Even after 6 months I don't want to speak or see her because it would so painful for me. Maybe in another six months, but not yet. Im happily avoiding all contact. TBH I never want any interaction whatsoever with that woman. Unless she had a complete personality transplant and owns her part. I can't see that happening.

Her aggressive email to me because I waved at her mum made me realise just how pathetic and childish she is. I lost a huge amount of respect when she sent me that.

I have seriously considered sending her something in response. But there is honestly nothing I can say that will do any good. I only want her to drop the hate. But there really is no point.

[CottonClouds]

Sometimes no response is the best response, whenever someone says something petty or immature to me I don't respond, that way they can hear their own words better, and it sits with them. They feel more guilt and absorb more of what they said since nobody else is taking the blow. I think you are on a great path Elmurr!

[Elmurr]

CottonClouds, your message reflects exactly my thinking. I wrote something last night to send then deleted it saying to myself "no, let her be the one to send something so pathetic and leave her to mull over it". I'm not responding to such trash. Any response will feed her ego. As I've said before, you need to stand up for yourself and say no to abuse. And the best way to say no is to say nothing at all.

[40days_in_desert]

Elmurr - I know that BPD is a spectrum but your explanation couldn't be closer to my former relationship with my ex. On both sides of the relationship. Thanks for posting and you're right on the money with forgiveness. I'm over two years out and it was one of the necessary things to do to move on with your life. Wish you the best in your journey!

[Seenowayout]

CottonClouds!  You made me laugh!  I think you're right. I'm a big time composter, and my compost pile is at my ex's -- my ex who I left for my BPD experience -- my ex who I accidentally called my BPD by her name, which all ended up in this flower's freefall.  So it all seems very appropriate for the poor mum somehow.

[CottonClouds]

Seenowayout,

Yay I love making people laugh. I think that plant deserves a chance in the compost. I have a really hard time throwing living material into the trash, because it truly dies in a landfill. In the compost its nutrients can at least give to other living things.

Would you take the plant to her compost?

Now that I am getting over the person I knew with BPD, all my old self is coming back to me slowly. Its crazy. When I was attached to that person I started to lose myself, even my love for the environment. I saw that  , that I was losing myself, but I was too deep in. 

[Elmurr]

The timing of my realisation that almost every bad thing in our relationship was caused as result of my ex’s hypersensitivity to her negative perception of events (real or imagined), and her reaction to me waving to her mum could not have been better timed to both cement my belief in that realisation, and help me take a huge step towards getting over the relationship.

Just as me being in a business meeting and not being with my phone meant I was cheating/ laughing at her/ going to leave, me smiling and waving to her mum meant her mum was on my side, against her, that we were laughing at her, and in some way conspiring to undermine her. Just as the meeting was a meeting, the wave was a fleeting wave. Nothing more.

I can see now that I could almost certainly never have won. It was never enough. Any niceties were viewed with suspicion and followed with fear of the inevitable bad thing that the nice thing was nothing more than a precursor for.

This realisation helps me find peace with myself, but also makes me sad. What a shame. I really liked her!

[Elmurr]

I did eventually reply two days after she contacted me and my reply shows me how far I am into recovery now. Up until a week or so ago I would have sent something long and rambling which reminisces on the good times in some feable attempt to get her to see the light, but her email regarding the wave showed me categorically that my perspective on things was correct. I’m still totally gutted, but I have now fully accepted that there is no chance I will ever go back to her, not even if she begged me to, which is a big statement. She was the source, the only source, of all my misery.

My reply was this,

What a charming email :-)

Look, we are both the happiest we have been in years. R, let go of the hate and resentment, and move on. I have.

No more was needed. It’s the truth. According to her mum she is very happy now. I too am very happy. I’ve worked really hard to let go of the hate and resentment, and I suspect she has worked to retain it. Nothing more needed to be said.

I know me moving on and being happy will anger her. And I would be lying if I said that didn’t make me feel some happiness. But I’ve gone through hell because her words and actions, and she enjoyed doing it to me. I hope that this will put her a step closer to realising that everyone she knocks down in her life for her own pleasure gets back up stronger, whilst she only deepens her own dislike of herself when the “high” of control wears off.

I have not checked the account to see if there is a reply. She is no longer part of my life.

[Seenowayout]

CC -- crazy isn't it?  I knew I was losing myself and was this close to surrendering all of me.  We had fights over me going fishing with my buds, me working an hour over time and the kicker to this day was me taking a quick jog.  But I was still contemplating tattooing her name in my side and giving her anything she asked/needed/wanted.  That was more on me than her.  My codependency. Her mantra was "I only want to be with you -- is that so bad?"  Which fed my continuous guilt complex. The truth is the more she had me the more ridiculous her needs. She was pushing me away.  I was just more whipped than anyone she ever had to deal with in the past!  Lol.

Elmurr -- exactly like you say -- it was inevitable. Impossible to win. Never enough. It is sad. You say it's a shame because you really liked her --I think we all still actually LOVE our exes.  But the best thing we can do for them (and obviously ourselves) is disappear. And it is so sad. I know, my ex's problem stems from something horrible that happened to her in her youth. I know exactly what it was. It's really not her fault. And I was a conceited jerk to think I could help her   All I can do is pray some day she gets professional help. 

When we were happy we were soo happy. She's a great human being with a crippling emotional problem

[Lost-love-mind]

  Elmurr

Amazing analysis. Today was another day thinking what could have been between us.

I can't get her out of my head. Then you remind me with your profound analysis as to why there is nothing that will make it better and that it could never be normal.

[blueblue12]

Elmurr,
I am with you on this as well, I am quite a few months out staying NC. She has contacted me every couple of months apart with little dumb queries about something that she could have worked out herself and I have replied very short and to the point. Nothing nasty, just short and formal “great, thank you, wish you all the best” type thing. I feel actually quite good but exactly like you I do not want to see her at all, I know that may cause me to go backwards and I feel empowered and quite optimistic about life in general, and it feels great without the drama. I have arrived at the point of letting go, which i have to say feels great. Six months ago I was stuck and I was still thinking about maybe trying in again, not any longer, now I am just looking forward to a more peaceful life. I had enough of all the weird stuff and feeling weak and walking on egg shells all day long, I hated that but she had so much power over me that I felt that was the only way to behave. I was so wrong.
Take care.

[Seenowayout]

Why can't they forgive?  I don't understand that part of it.  My ex never forgave my slights -- real or imagined.  Is there any greater demonstration of love than to forgive someone?  But from the experiences shared on this board -- it seems they simply aren't capable of forgiving, even as we forgive them over and over.  This is very sad to me.

It goes to something else I've been thinking about -- empathy.  All us non's seem to be overflowing with empathy.  If I didn't feel so sorry for her I never would have put up with her nonsense.  Most other guys, lacking in empathy or at least concerned about their own sanity -- would have walked. 

But to me, a human that lacks empathy and the ability to forgive is a damaged human indeed.    It's very sad to me.

[blueblue12]

You are so right seenowayout, no empathy whatsoever, and like you I would look at her and feel for her, I would often look at her while she was doing something and a sense of sadness would overwhelm me, as I would feel truly sorry for her, her sad and tragic past as a child. This kept me close to her in a forgiving mood for anything she did to me. With me, nothing, she hurt me immensely in the last year together but she felt no remorse or any sense of empathy towards me. On the contrary she would just get tougher. During the last year together she became the dictator, “we are splitting up, selling the house, you are not my lover anymore”, this while still living together, while I still payed the bills and would cook for her, etc. I remember breaking down in front of her once during this time and her just looking at me saying “you need medication, you are not well at all.”

When I think of that period it makes me feel so good to be away from her. She was horrible, cold, detached, rude, gave me the silent treatment and I put up with it. Did I deserve that? No way. At the time I did not know anything about BPD.

Of course after everything that went down, a few months later she came back pleading for me to see her “to make a fresh start” she had “made a mistake, I was the love of her life.”