Special occasions and rages: anniversary

[Letloverule]

Tomorrow is our third anniversary.
We are a same sex couple and we got married in court in a state that was legal before becoming legal nation wide. It was just the two of us- agreeing that both of us did not want a traditional wedding.
But we still celebrate the date.

Special occasions this year have been especially hard- not sure why. Her birthday in July was probably the worst. I did everything wrong and the rages I went through we’re terrible. I look back and feel a level of trauma (no physical abuse or violence, just days of shaming, name calling, yelling, crying).

I wanted to start the weekend off right. But Friday morning started with a fight over something small. We sorted it out and agreed to put it behind us. I noticed my anxiety increase when I wrapped up at work and headed home. Our anniversary weekend, what names will I be called? I pushed through it and decided to pick up some flowers- even though I got flowers for her birthday and she yelled at me for picking out ugly ones. This time I came home confidently and she smiled and thanked me and began arranging them (she’s really good at it and enjoys it) so I let her. When they didn’t fit in the first vase, that set her off. Now I’m accused of just swiping my credit card and putting her to work when she wanted to relax. I knew it. This is how the weekend would go. The rest of the night was filled with bumps. We apologized to each other, she thanked me for the flowers,  and agreed that Saturday will be  better.
She asked if I wanted to go out to dinner on Saturday. But both of us were very tired and wanted to lounge at home. So i said I would cook dinner for us and we go out Sunday on our actual anniversary. She agreed and said that even if we ate dinner later tonight that would be fine.
The day was great- in the late afternoon she asked if I wanted to take a nap. I was so tired that was a great idea. Both of us laid down. She said she couldn’t sleep but would read in bed next to me. I fell asleep and she woke me up in the evening. I was looking forward to getting dinner started and I asked her if she was hungry. That’s what set her off. She took that question as me wanting to back out of cooking. Things completely escalated. She said me cooking dinner was supposed to be a gift, peaceful and full of the feeling of home... .and that I had the audacity to ask. She referred to her late mother who would just do things and make a meal with no questions- ready to go. That I was lazy and that she had to wake me up. The name calling ensued. “Don’t you dare cook now that your goal to ruin the evening has been accomplished”. I apologized and she said she doesn’t forgive me.
Things have been tense for over three hours. I ordered food, we ate. We have stayed to ourselves. I’m at a loss. I’ve apologized, I’ve tried to validate, I’m getting the silent treatment.  It’s not even our anniversary yet.
I’m tired and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Is there also a cultural issue on her side going on here? Like mothers show their love by kitchen? There was an issue with this with my former partner.  Regardless,  her FOO issues seem to be a major trigger. 

What I get from what she said is like "I expected to be taken care of [according to how I was when I was a child], how dare you violate that."

A pwBPD is like an abused child,  all grown up.  Family Of Origin triggers are easy to miss.  What seems benign,  or even polite,  to us can be major triggers for them. 

How are you on the tools in the lessons here,  like SET?

[AskingWhy]

Letloverule, first of all, congratulations on your anniversary.

I am sorry that you experience many frustrating and painful incidents.  What you have described is a typical BPD evening spent with a nonBPD. 

In my observations, many pwBPD have issues with one or both of their parents.

There may be a connection here with something you did that triggered memories of your W's mother.  Do you know your in-laws well?   

Have you thought about gently approaching your W to get into therapy?  This is not easy as many people with PDs are in denial until some life crisis happens and they are forced to see the dysfunction.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Here is a short film on some tactics to end conflict:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

You description of trauma is very common on the nonBPDs in relationships with pwBPD.  Very, very common.  You mention anxiety in your post.  You may also have C-PTSD (Complex PTSD), which is a form of anxiety caused by emotional trauma over a period of time.

Please read this and see if it makes sense to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

You are not alone in feeling the way you do.  Marriages are supposed to be happy and mutually supportive, but with BPDs, the nonBPD is the caretaker. 

[pearlsw]

Hi Letloverule,

I can definitely relate. My birthdays are usually... .messed with in one way or another, anniversaries are skipped, and holidays are virtually non-existent.

Sounds like you did a lot here. Sometimes even that is simply not enough. I know how painful that is.

All I can offer at the moment is a virtual hug!