Not getting better

[salvage]

A little of a year ago, I had a 5 month long distance relationship with a women I suspect has BPD.

I've read about everything on here I can.  I started therapy within weeks of the relationship brutally ending.

My story is the same as what I read... .

Instant connection - so easy we could talk, laugh and make love for hours.  I felt I had found my "person".  She was successful, bright, funny, attractive and she seemed to feel the same about me.

She was the first to tell me she loved me... It was quick.  We had spent about a month on texts/phone calls and within about 2 weeks or less she flew out for our first meeting.  It was beyond a perfect 4 days. 

Later we made arrangements to see one another about twice a month even though we lived about 3K mile apart. 

Upon reflection some things now make sense which didn't at the time... But eventually and without a reasonable cause she brutally ended it.

But here I sit, over a year later and I can't get her out of my mind.  The breakup feels as fresh and brutal today as it did a year ago. 

Right before we met, I had been working on myself, exercising and was in a really good place.  I had expanded my set of friends and found myself just feeling very blessed and at peace.  Meeting her seemed like the icing on the cake... .

Now, I struggle to make myself exercise, I lost all the friends I had made where I live and as hard as I try I simply can't find the strength or confidence to make friends let alone date.

When I read about recycles, I find myself so incredibly jealous, wishing with all my heart just to hear from her.  We had one short "recycle" a few months after it ended but I was more aware and didn't play my part i guess.  I heard from her a few times after that - mostly to be cruel and then nothing since feb.

I haven't contacted her.  I'm good at the tactile stuff ie not doing something but it just doesn't stop. 

I don't see myself ever being able to love again or trust yet alone find someone I would be attracted to.  There a few lesbians I find attractive (i'm feminine and am attracted to same.

Also how would any "normal" dating be and it wouldn't even compare to how things began will her.  It will seem gray and dull and only make me miss what i felt.

The loneliness is crushing and I just don't see a way out.

Thanks for listening...

[dazedandconfuzed]

OK, so my wounds are still pretty fresh, but I guess I also have experience being cut out by my BPD over the last 4 years. You're not gonna want to believe a lot of what you read here and thats understandable, but its true from someone coming out the other side.

1) Trust me, it only gets worse if you keep recycling. You'll think they'll put themselves together a little bit, learn to apologize, learn to care about someone else's feelings, but believe me, they won't. My ex used to claim she was the most empathetic person, even to the point of if I cut myself or hurt myself in some way she legitimately had to leave the room. But when you're split black they will use all of that empathy to hurt you where you can be hurt the most. Nothing is off limits - and it can all happen at literally the drop of a hat - I legit had left a hat on the floor of a hotel room on a vacation I took her on and she went nuclear. Brought up a deceased parent, how I'm such a disappointment to them. Seriously.

2) Name your feelings - specifically. Don't say you're feeling bad. Give them actual names. Once you can name them and understand them, they become a LOT less scary and hurtful. Explore. Are you feeling upset, betrayed, lonely, shame, guilt. Once you know the exact emotions you can begin to understand where to go next and start taking actions to address them. Once you can name them trust me 80% of your lack of energy and ability to focus will start to go away, because the more powerful parts of your brain will begin to control your amygdala which is what is feeling those emotions now. Because your logical side will say - what do I have to feel guilty about. It will say what am I ashamed about, and it will work through them. Don't try to fake emotions or suppress them, they only come back stronger. Experience and understand them.

3) Don't worry about when you start dating or how. Worry about pulling yourself together - one of the worst parts of being with someone with BPD is you start to internalize their thought processes as you try to figure them out. Stare into the abyss too long and it stares back. You'll start to lose your ability to regulate and control your emotions, which while things are great with the borderline is great, but when the bottom falls out, like it ALWAYS does, its wretched. Worse then death. So go meet people - find a club, a meetup, whatever, and be open and vulnerable. Give people a chance. You would be surprised. I know it can be embarrassing to open up about those experiences, especially after how often a borderline would use your vulnerabilities against you. But its truly incredible. I opened up about my experience to some people I met recently, and each of them has been amazingly understanding and caring. Its truly renewed my faith in humanity in a lot of ways. Complete strangers are often 100x's more compassionate and caring then the borderline ever was capable of.

The people on these boards are right - I've been lurking for years ever since I typed into Google during one of our monthly breakups "My girlfriend is like two people". You'll see them same advice over and over again - and its hard to accept it in the fog when you're falling apart missing the person you cared most for. You worry, if I cut her out and go NC how will she ever come back to me. You worry what if what I said hurts her and she doesn't want me anymore. But trust me, what she wants isn't you - and thats not bad for you - she's a blackhole and will take everything you pour in and give nothing back. Maybe a crumb once and a while, just to keep you on the hook and her source stable.

And right now you're feeling alone, you're scared. You're missing a bond that you formed and she abused. You are constantly asking yourself how the world could have color again. When it will be warm again. It will. Trust me. It'll be warm as soon as you're free enough to open the door to others and let the sunlight in. It will be warmer and more comfortable then you'll have known in years. You'll feel like you found parts of you that you stuffed away for years, it'll feel like stretching after a long sleep. It'll go from literally sleeping in the doghouse and waiting for crumbs of affection and caring in between the abuse to this warm comfortable place where you can trust the other person. Don't immediately think you need a romantic partner, that's an illusion - and I know you're not believing that either. You just need connection with someone. And there are lots of ways to get that, but connection always comes from being vulnerable.

[vanx]

I just wanted to say I can relate, and our timelines are similar. When I am not depressed, I have hope in moving forward. When I am depressed, I am stuck and missing her.
I think the comparison to a drug makes sense. The beginning feels like a dream come true, and we can't get that feeling back. Other people and experiences maybe do not compare. Essentially, it is up to us to break free, but it's really difficult, especially if you are feeling lonely and kind of down.
It is very confusing to think you are close and then to be shut out. My therapist tells me I can't trust instant connections, that they take time. Either way, it is definitely still possible to find the connection you are looking for. We need to heal first I think though.
You aren't alone in feeling stuck because of what happened, for longer than you would like. I'm sorry it's so painful. Just try and keep in mind that they say you can never return to the idealization stage. The present reality is the way she has treated you in your more recent contact. If she has BPD, it's just the nature of
the disorder.

[Mutt]

Hi salvage,



I'm sorry to hear that it's been a difficult year for you. I can see how it would feel lonely when you don't have the energy to get into the gym or to make connections with people.

Now, I struggle to make myself exercise, I lost all the friends I had made where I live and as hard as I try I simply can't find the strength or confidence to make friends let alone date.

Have you talked to your GP or MD about depression?

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

[Ceruleanblue]

Like you, I'm really still struggling as well. I left him and filed for divorce, but really, really, really didn't want to divorce him. I should have wanted to, but didn't. He was beyond cruel and horrid. I think I knew how hard I'd take it, and how long I'd love him. I sort of never stop loving anyone once I love them. I think I thought by divorcing him, his divorce threats would have to stop, and he wouldn't feel so trapped. Well, leaving set off his fear of abandonment, I think. And now he just wants to "move on" to easier targets that don't know his ugly side(which seems to be who he really is... .the "nice" is a mask or facade). 

Well, well over a year later, I'm diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm struggling a lot. I've forced myself to stay active and "out there". I've casually dated, and just entered into something more committed that might go somewhere(I'm still being really cautious). I've done all the things I'm supposed to do, I'm in therapy, and I've researched getting over someone that was abusive.

I keep telling myself it will get better, but even the positive thinking hasn't helped a whole lot.

If it helps you, you are not alone. I do know I'm determined to get past this, because to stay stuck means HE wins... .and I gave him enough time and chances to hurt me.