How to Finally Let Go

[jody452]

Hi Harley Quinn & Everyone else out there,

Deep down I know I am the only one who can break the cycle, I just cant bring myself to do it. She's not even really a part of my life, we just text all the time now, but the thought of losing her again breaks me. Yet talking and not having her as my partner hurts just as bad.

So if anyone has any advice on how to finally let go, please share.



This post was worthy of its own topic, so it was split from https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316754.0

[Lucky Jim]

So if anyone has any advice on how to finally let go, please share.

Hey Jody, I suggest sitting with your feelings, just observing them in a non-judging way, without the need to do anything.  Presumably there is something that keeps you hanging on, even when you know it's unhealthy for you.  Maybe be it's a familiar dynamic, perhaps from childhood?  Try to look at yourself from a distance.  What would you say to yourself, if you were speaking as a caring friend?

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jody,

It is so difficult making that step that signifies finality and leaving behind the what ifs.  You're not on your own there.  In the end I had to weigh up the damage versus the positives and found that the impact upon me was so extreme that the only way to literally survive was to let go, as painful as that was.  I've put concerted effort since then into learning to love myself more and working on defining and maintaining boundaries - something I was always incredibly poor at.

An article here that helped me enormously, which you may have read already and would be worth recapping is the one on Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD.  This really spoke to me and gave me valuable perspective on the patterns that had been playing out with us.  It also allowed me to examine my part in keeping things going and what my own reasons were.  This is the point when we can really take a look at what drives us to want to remain in something that is so destructive for us.  Do let us know if you feel any of the beliefs really resonate with you right now, as this can give you a starting point upon where to place your focus.

What do you miss out on in your life by remaining attached?  Is it peace?  Fulfilment through hobbies or activities that you would otherwise be involved in?  Have other relationships in your life suffered as a result of the impact of this r/s?  Personal health, fitness, happiness?  Has your work/study suffered?  Do you get a good night's sleep?  How about anxiety levels/depression?  Is your self esteem holding up?  Just think about these things.  Slowly but surely you need to begin rebuilding yourself.  As you do this, you will feel stronger and more balanced and can begin to rely more on your decision making abilities.  Take good care of you.  We're here to support you and sometimes that might mean asking you uncomfortable questions.  But we're all family here.

Love and light x

 

[jody452]

Hi Jim,

I have tried that, we actually broke up 8 months ago but she made contact a month ago now. I think there is something in my childhood i just don't remember it. As much as i sit and try to, I can't and i keep saying its love that keeps me hanging on, but I think its more than that. When things where good she made me feel good about myself and I guess I may have always struggled me make myself feel that.

Harley Quinn,

I have read the surviving a break up many times. Each one of them rings true, but I still find myself wanting to believe that it was different with us, that I meant more than this cycle that I could still be the one. I know i need to find the courage to ask her, what she wants if this is just part of her process, making contact or if she wants something more. I also somewhat already know its going to end in another goodbye that's probably what makes it so hard.

As for the rest of your questions, my sleep has gone back to bad I wake up at 5am and shes the first thing i think about, I think my depression has gone up again. I know when she shoots me down and we say goodbye again my self esteem will take another hit.


As for the what would you say to a friend, I would say walk away she cant change, even if you got back together it will most likely end exactly the same way.
Yet I still cant bring myself to do it

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jody,

Are you receiving any therapy?  Apologies if you've told us this elsewhere.

Also, I'd like to ask, what would be your ideal situation with her?  What are you aiming for and do you believe that is actually possible?

Finally, I'm curious to know what is important to you in a relationship?  Do you feel that she can fit in with that?

Love and light x

[jody452]

Hi Harley Quinn

I was going to therapy, I'm not anymore but starting to think that maybe I need to be.

My ideal situation would be for us to be together, for the lies and cheating to stop and for both of us to be happy.

Do I believe she can fit into that, if she sticks to therapy I want to believe she can change. That was the only thing that killed me in our relationship the lies, the cheating. I could handle her ups and downs, he push and pull.

What's important to me is trust, its a huge thing to me and she's already broken that and I may be putting myself through hell again thinking we have a chance while she's still with the person she left me for. So first step I need to just ask, bite the bullet so to speak and decide from there can she still be a part of my life and in what capacity.

It is most likely going to end in goodbye again, but I have you all guys to help me if it does.

Thanks again

[Mutt]

Hi jody452,

As for the rest of your questions, my sleep has gone back to bad I wake up at 5am and shes the first thing i think about, I think my depression has gone up again.

Have you talked to an MD or GP about depression and having difficulties with sleep?

[jody452]

My sleep was fine before I started speaking to her again.

I asked all the questions, got conformation that she is moving in with her new partner. Yet here I am still talking to her.

I think what I need to work out is why? What's wrong with me that even though she has said it 100 times over I keep hanging onto hope that she'll come back. 

Right now my rational brain knows she won't, knows she can't change, but still loves her. I also know if I continue to talk to her I'll never let go.

You know those science experiments where they have the mouse, the cheese and the zapper. The mouse eventually stops hurting itself, it knows the cheese isn't worth the pain. What's it going to take for me to see that?

[Mutt]

Have you tried to detach? I thought like you that I’d never get off the emotional rollercoaster.

[soonbefree]

You are not falling in love with a real person, you fall in love with a perfect illusion, instead. As blunt and painful as it is, pwBPD are chameleons that is their trait, they are becoming whatever person you want them to be. That is why you think she is perfect for you. Just remember what you see on her is not her real self.

[jody452]

How do I detach?

I can't even bring myself to block her mumber.

Realistically how long will it take to get over her?

[jody452]

Harley Quinn

I'm stuck on the following

3. Out of a scale of 1 to 10 still about 4
4. Still at 9
5. At 3
6. At 10 I'm even ignoring words I don't want to hear and clinging to ones I do
9 & 10 equal at 4

[soonbefree]

I can't even bring myself to block her mumber. /quote]

Same here. He blocked me but I can't block him still.
Keep on reading on how twisted their mind are and they can act violently to you, even murder. The later makes me coiled and make me take a little step forward to detach and soon be free.

I keep in mind that the person I loved simply does not exist. It was only an illussion.

[jody452]

Are they really an illusion? She still is family orientated, she still does things that she did before me?

Maybe illusion is a bit harsh. Maybe they just take a part of each person they meet, reading a lot you always hear they mirror your good parts, do you fall in love with that.

I'm just so confused. I think I've personally been focusing on her for to long. There's something in my wiring that keeps me here, that regardless of how much it hurts I will talk to her cause she wants to. When she said we had to stop I stopped.

So it has to be me, how do I start to work this out?

Is it lack of self love?
Did I feel neglected as a child? The love she showed me was like nothing else when it was good
Is it her that I can't let go of, or the idea of her?

I know I need to go bs k to therapy but had anyone had a break through and what helped to get you there?

[Harley Quinn]

3. Out of a scale of 1 to 10 still about 4
4. Still at 9
5. At 3
6. At 10 I'm even ignoring words I don't want to hear and clinging to ones I do
9 & 10 equal at 4

Firstly I want to say that you are far from alone in this.  If you've not already seen the applicable discussions from the series of 10 polls we've done on these topics (marked with stars on the board) I'd encourage you to have a read as this will highlight how we all struggle with these at some stage.  They also give some examples of how people have overcome the beliefs for themselves.  It can sometimes mean taking a look at ourselves and understanding where these thought processes come from, which isn't always easy. 

If I put these in order of strength of belief it looks like this:

Clinging to the positive (and ignoring the uncomfortable) words she said.
Love can prevail.
The r/s issues were caused by some circumstance or by you.
You need to stay to help her.
She has seen/will see the light.
Things will return to the way they used to be.

Does that sound about right to you that these are the things holding back your progress in detaching?  Would you add anything to this list and do you wish to elaborate on any of these or are they a good summary as they stand?

In my case the beliefs I held underlined my codependent traits that had started as a child.  Also my low self esteem and need to cling to others' positive thoughts of me to feel valued as an individual meant that the loving words were hugely important to me because they formed a large part of my self worth. 

Out of interest, have you also read the following article on How a Borderline relationship evolves?  Sometimes re reading at a later stage can be helpful.  This was a great help to me in understanding where the behaviours stemmed from and what that meant for a long term r/s.  Many members here have had multiple recycles and the general feeling is that as these progress the idealisation stage becomes shorter each time before the devaluation begins again.  Once we've toppled from our pedestal it becomes increasingly hard to climb back up there. 

Accepting that these behaviours are part of the disorder is important in having a realistic view of what we can really expect.  The fantasy that is built between our BPD partners and ourselves can be extremely hard to let go of and is extremely painful to lose after believing we have 'finally found what we wanted'.  Does any of this resonate with you?   

Love and light x

[Mutt]

I can't even bring myself to block her mumber.

That’s where we come in. You’re not alone, you have help from the family here to support you.

[bollinger]

Hi Jody

Your message was "me" about 3/4 months ago!  I loved this guy soo much and knew that things were so bad BUT I still couldn't gather up the strength to leave him - much to my family and friend's dismay!  I am a smoker and it was like someone saying to me "right you cannot have one more cigarette ever!" You know the addiction is bad for you but yet you still do it!  I couldn't cope with the never going to see him again... .or the "right we need to end it right here and right now!"  In reality I was prepared to carry on down the rollercoaster ride knowing it was killing my health and my self esteem.  It wasn't doing much for my Mum and Dad either who are elderly!

But one day... .I finally thought... .well I'd rather be unhappy grieving the relationship that I never had RATHER than being in a relationship that I never had... .does that make sense? I started to think... .I'm a good person and was a loving partner and all I got for it was c**p! and heartache.  My self esteem, confidence and general well being was being depleted... .and I knew if I stayed it would kill me.  Read my post Just thought I would tell you where I am in this nightmare under Relationship Ended Breakup Crisis.  I truly believe that I had reached rock bottom but I am on the way back up! 

[soonbefree]

When she was not with you she might be completely another person whom you would not recognize. They don't have self identity they struggle with that.
To slowly detaching myself now I always project my ex as a different person when he was not with me. I am 99% sure he was being nice when he was with me because that was I want him to be. I project him more to a real him, an angry extremely moody guy who only care about himself

[jody452]

Harley Quinn,

I think she made me feel loved and seen, and I don't think I had that as kid. I know my family loves me, we don't say it but I know they love me the way they know how. Her love was so intense so there, she didn't hold back. It made me feel safe and loved.

I know that's just the way it is with BPD, I see it, I lived it. I know her coming back and talking to me know as she's moving in with my replacement is part of her process. I know she'll never come back to me in the way I want her too. I know there is to much pain to forget on both sides that it would be so hard for us to ever work. Yet I think I cling and can't let go, cause I just want her to love me again. I just want to feel that.

Bollinger I hear you and I at times think the same and I know it's true, continuing to talk to her is only hurting me, my health, my self esteem are all taking a hit. Yet I don't care and that scares me. Even when we were together I wanted out so many times but the you have that rush that no one will ever understand me like her. maybe I'm just lonely, scared I'm getting old and will never have a family.

I know I need to find the strength to stand up for myself, this is someone that's cheated on me. Starts talking to me like nothing has changed whilst getting ready to move in with my replacement. I know it's insane to think I can be her friend that I can handle talking to her, yet here I am still doing it

[Harley Quinn]

It is frightening, yes.  To face the future without that person who made us feel that way.  Who showed us that we are capable of loving and being loved to such an extent.  I understand because I've been there too. 

What made the shift for me was realising that this had shown me that I AM lovable, that I CAN feel this way and that means I can find that again with a healthy partner in time who is capable of a committed and sustainable r/s.  Accepting too that he was not the person to take that path with me as this is something he doesn't have the ability to achieve.  It's tragic and painful, but real. 

It also made me realise that the things that brought me into and kept me in this relationship were things that I could heal for myself without needing him to fill that void.  We can fill that void ourselves and invest in ourselves to tackle those things and grow as people into healthier versions of ourselves.  In many ways it was a blessing for me to have gone through what I did as it gave me a whole new sense of clarity and drive to want more in my life for myself.  This is an opportunity to address and work on the insecurities, doubts, fears and stumbling blocks that can hold us back in life and perhaps have been doing for a long time.  The things that stop us from finding someone who can love us back the way that we love them in an ongoing way without destructive behaviour and dysfunction.

You deserve a chance at a happy future.  Think on this.  We are here to support you in whatever you decide to do.  If you wish to remain in contact and hopeful for a recycle, then I'd encourage you to post on the Improving board and work on the basic relationship skills to give yourself the best chance.  If you want to detach then we will walk with you on your journey to healing.

Love and light x

[jody452]

I did it, I said goodbye. I asked her what she wanted from me and she said she wanted me in her life, as as friend. I said I couldn't.

You are right Harley Quinn, it's time to stop running face my insecurities and grow.

Thank all of you for helping me take this first step. Second is back to therapy.
Third keep talking and growing on here, amd start healing.

[Harley Quinn]

That was very brave of you and I know how painful.  I'm sorry that you have this to go through.  You're right, we will be here for you every step of the way.  Well done for taking action to put yourself first.  This is a big positive step even though it feels terrible right now and when the pain eases you'll be able to feel proud of yourself for caring about you.     Be kind to yourself.  Grief is horrible to experience and the only way out is through.  So dig deep and be prepared to allow the process to unfold.  Post as much as you need.  

Love and light x  

[jody452]

Next bit I need help with, so I know I have to will on my issues.

I'm just as troubled as her right, I mean she at least can see that we don't work. Hence why she left. The coming back and wanting to be friends as she's moving in with my replacement I still don't get.

So that's not what I want help with, that's part of my problem I keep going back to her and taking the focus off me.

So therapist wise, do I need to find one with BPD experience.? I felt like I didn't get much from therapy when I went but I know that's cause I held back.
Do I go back to the therapist I was seeing.?
Or I could go see the therapist she used to see? Or is that just more of me not letting go

Part of me thinks if I saw her old therapist she would know her and someone know what I went through, the other part is are you doing this or wanting to, to some how in a twisted way stay connected?

I'm also stressing myself out it's her birthday soon, I said no to being  friends but every part of me right now is if you don't say happy birthday she's gone forever.

I'm still very mixed up, I know I can't just be her friend. I mean how do you go from ridding the roller coaster to taking a side seat? But part of me is if I am her friend I'll still get some of the love she gives without the inevitable break up!

Has anyone experienced that, they leave you find someone new but want to be friends. Her words were I want you in my life, why push me away then? Is that part of BPD? Do I still not understand it?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jody,

I'd suggest that whilst a therapist who is familiar with BPD is useful, many therapists will have at a minimum a general knowledge of PD's in order for them to be a T, and what is more important is that it is someone you have rapport with and feel you can share about yourself.  In order that you can comfortably address your own issues this is vital, so to be fair, a working knowledge of BPD won't necessarily be as important as having a good track record with clients who want to look at their own r/s concerns.  You mention holding back with your previous T.  Otherwise, how well did you gel with this person and do you feel if you were more willing to engage that they would be able to support you?  You need to feel confident in their ability to help you to look inside yourself and to grow and learn from what you find. 

I suspect you've already identified a possible unconscious desire to keep a link so with that in mind it might be wise to steer away from her T.  Severing those links is extremely helpful in your detaching. 

But part of me is if I am her friend I'll still get some of the love she gives without the inevitable break up!

 

There are members on this site who are or have been friends with pwBPD who have also been split black and cut out of their lives.  Being a friend does not make you immune to the behaviour and to be fair, in your case the veil was lifted so there would be no reason for her to attempt to gloss over anything because of a shift in the dynamic.  It would also make you extremely susceptible to a recycle attempt in the future.  It sounds like she would like to keep you in her life because of her fear of abandonment and this would keep her options open.  Some call people like this orbiters.  It can be quite common for a pwBPD to have more than one person in the picture who is being kept around in order to advance the r/s when the sufferer fears engulfment (when a person gets too close, this creates the push behaviour as a pwBPD can fear losing themselves entirely in a r/s) or the impending end of a r/s (fear of abandonment). 

[jody452]

Harley Quinn,

Once again I agree with you, I think moving in with her new partner scared her in a way and I'm safe. She used to always tell me that she would always have a back up plan, as in someone to move onto if things went wrong. She also told me she didn't need one with me.

I'm going to stick with my T and just be honest and try to push myself to work out why I still can't let go. Why I stayed, why I want back in. Why still now I think about her way to often. Why I'm still sitting here stressing over weather I wish her a happy birthday next week or not, how I've wrote 20 different versions of an email that I know I can never send but keep talking myself into doing it.

I hope one day we can both sort ourselves out enough to be a positive influence in each other's life.