Progress report

[Radcliff]

See previous thread here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317052
Hello all,

A fair bit of progress in the last few days:

I met with a therapist for a second time, and she's definitely a keeper.  It feels so good to have that role filled!  She specializes in DV as well as EMDR, and has a good awareness of BPD.  She has some experience working in batterer programs, though she now specializes in working with victims.  She was pretty frank -- she said that the 52 week program plus DBT was our best bet, and that I should put a clock on things.  She said I should leave the relationship if things don't get where they need to be in two years, and that I may know before that long.  I feel very good about her ability to safely guide me through decisions like gradual relaxation of RO restrictions, recommitting to the relationship, etc. depending on the progress my wife is making.

I have two therapists to interview for D12, one recommended by her school counselor, and one recommended by my therapist.

The DV advocate and I went to the courtroom today to watch our judge to help me understand the process and make me feel more comfortable.  Though I now understand that if the lawyers, my wife, and I are working together successfully, things may stay out of court.

My lawyer spoke with me this morning for the first time about her talks with my wife's lawyer.  I have been super anxious about how my wife would respond, and whether I'd have to defend the restraining order and my allegations of abuse.  My lawyer knows my wife's lawyer, and they've worked together before.  My lawyer said that they were discussing the fact that many of their clients claim abuse, but the things they are complaining about are just life, while this case is the real thing.  My wife's attorney said, "If even half the things in this declaration are true, my client has a serious problem."  It's hard to describe my relief at getting over that hurdle!

So we are writing up an amendment to the TRO that moves the court date out a couple of months to late Jan/early Feb, starts a 52 week batterer program and individual therapy immediately, and tunes things a bit so my wife and I can communicate about family logistics over e-mail, she can attend kids sports and school events, etc.  I would have sole custody and a peaceful house where I can recover (personally and as a parent) for another 2-3 months while the intervention and everyone's therapy get underway.  We can't put anything about DBT in the order since she hasn't been diagnosed, but I asked to have an opportunity to give input to her therapist to aid in diagnosis, and if that gets in there I'll feel good that a therapist will get the necessary info.

Wow.  The real work has not even started -- it will be a tough road with much risk -- but for where we are, I don't think things could be going much better (knock on wood).

Without bpdfamily, I would still be spinning around in circular conversations, or perhaps would have given up entirely and would have been swallowed back up by the relationship cycling.  It is no exaggeration to say that the help I've receive here has been life changing.

RC

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hey RC, It is really impressive what you've pulled off here! I know there is a long road ahead of you, but what a relief so far! I am so glad you will have these 2-3 months to see what it is like to parent without the extra criticism or worries about abuse. I am glad you have some time for your own healing and recovery - this will help you so much in never returning to things as they were before! I wish you nothing but the best!

[flourdust]

I just want to say congratulations, RC! These are big and significant steps. I'm glad you've got a professional team that has a solid plan with benchmarks and a timeline. What a change from just a few weeks ago, no?

You are right that the hard part is still ahead. But, to give you a note of encouragement, there are some easy parts ahead, too.

For one, you may find that sole custody is easier than coparenting in one household. Nobody is breathing over your shoulder, judging, criticizing, and dysregulating. You aren't simultaneously trying to take care of the kid, juggle the wife's explosive emotions, and protect the kid from exposure to same. Instead, you can just focus on the kid without drama ... .and perhaps even enjoy it more.

Having the home to yourself is incredibly peaceful. That sense of peace and sanctuary can be something you come to truly cherish. You might start to enjoy coming home after work, for a change, and having nights to truly relax. This may also start to affect how you think about your marriage. As your mind unwinds from its defensive crouch, you may come to see things differently. You may learn things about yourself that change your self-image. A few months from now ... .you may find yourself with different desires and goals than you have now. Don't be afraid of this self-exploration. It's part of taking your life back.

[Skip]

I should put a clock on things.  She said I should leave the relationship if things don't get where they need to be in two years, and that I may know before that long. 

I hope you two can make this work. I do agree with your therapist  about the clock and about establishing clear expectations early for continuing forward.

flourdust's points are very valid. I was in a relationship with a "taker" and while I successfully applied the tools and got everything under control - I came to realized that there was nothing really there for me. When I look back,  I'm glad it's ended because it opened the door for me to find a really fine women. Of course, I have no children with her and we weren't married, so this is a very different situation.

You will go through a lot of emotions in the coming weeks and you will back track on many of them. I think the freedom and the space will help a lot. I think with time, though, you will feel that your family is broken and you will see the struggle in the children. She will, too. You'll soon know what is really important to her.

I am glad you have some time for your own healing and recovery - this will help you so much in never returning to things as they were before!

pearlsw is right. The old relationship is over. Zero tolerance. Now there is a vacuum for something need to be formed.

[Harley Quinn]

RC well done!  You've come so far!  Feel proud of what you've achieved here.  You deserve a happy ending and I know either way that is what you'll now come to have.  Taking back control of your life and ultimately giving yourself choices in your future and that of your family is a huge stride from the way that things were.  Take a little time to appreciate what you're capable of when you set your mind to something.  It's taken great strength to get here. 

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

pearlsw, flourdust, Skip, and HQ, you all captured very well where I'm at.  Thanks for the encouragement!  flourdust, your comments captured my present situation and thoughts perfectly.  :)uring the RO process I was focused on the negative things I needed to stop, but really had no idea about the positive things I was missing until they started to emerge.  One of the most striking things is to be able to make a mistake, learn from it, and carry on peacefully, without drama or recrimination.  I had not realized how much I needed this.

D12 and I have two appointments with potential therapists for her tomorrow afternoon.  This evening, I told her that part of the plan with all the recent events is that everyone gets a therapist.  She didn't push back at all, which surprised me.  Hopefully she'll click with one of them.  I'm excited to get that piece of the puzzle figured out.

RC

[Tattered Heart]

You have come such a long way. Congratulations! I'm so glad that you are finding some forward momentum. So few are willing to take the steps you are taking. Dang it. Getting all emotional for you right now. (No that's not a tear. It's allergies right?) You still have a lot in front of you. Keep your eye focused on the goal when it gets tough.

[Radcliff]

Thank you, TH, so nice to hear from you!  I promise I'll get back to work on Improving as soon as possible, boss

I will update everyone in a day or two.  Things are up and down, nothing remarkable, just getting by.  Still waiting on redlines for the RO amendment from my wife and her lawyer.  When those come in might be a good time for an update.

RC