Ex girlfriend left me abruptly

[Steez]

When my ex and I met, we really just clicked. We were comfortable with each other right off the bat, it was unlike any relationship I’d been in. We were inseparable, and any time I wasn’t working or in class, I was with her and we were having fun. She was insecure, and I knew it, so I did everything I could to make sure she knew I loved her, perceived flaws and all! As time kept passing we’d talked about when we’d get married, kids, the whole 9 yards. I remember her saying she couldn’t fathom this ever ending, and I agreed. When I couldn’t go on a trip with her because of work, we stayed in touch and wrote sappy love letters over text when I’d be up late in the ambulance with a slow shift. She said I was her best friend, and wrote that she’d never thought she deserved such love and respect, in a birthday card to my mother.

Even our friends that work with her said the happiest they’d seen her was when she’d started seeing me. I noticed she was getting more and more depressed, it seemed, after she was diagnosed with BPD. I told her I loved her no matter what, and that it didn’t change how I viewed her at all, because I know it worried her. I just don’t care, I love her for who she is. Things started changing though. She seemed more depressed and her besutiful smile shined less frequently. 2 days after we had a good time at a pumpkin patch, she cut it off.

Suddenly, she said it felt like I wasn’t her boyfriend, like we were still “just dating”. She said we were too different and had different senses of humor. Just weeks prior, she’d been planning to surprise me with a cruise for us in December for my birthday. She always talked about how much she loved me, and was extremely affectionate. Now we’re “too different”, despite everything we did together. Even our friends she works with say she just acts differently than when she was the cheerful girl I know and love. It breaks my heart, because I know she doesn’t see herself like I do, she’s even said she wishes she could. She just pushed me and her close friends away without warning, and said “I don’t want to be with him, I want him to move on”. When she broke up with me I remember her saying I’d find someone better, and it hurt, because I don’t know why she’d say that. She’s got many great attributes, and I’d tried so hard to make her aware of them when she’d get down on herself.

Is there any coming back from this? I’m giving her space, because we talked once like 5 days after the break up and she said she didn’t want to work on anything. It’s been 2 weeks since that talk, and she hasn’t reached out at all. I just want what we had back. She was so happy, neither of us thought this was going to end. We never even fought.

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[Lost-love-mind]

When my ex and I met, we really just clicked. We were comfortable with each other right off the bat, it was unlike any relationship I’d been in.


Suddenly, she said it felt like I wasn’t her boyfriend, like we were still “just dating”.

Is there any coming back from this? I’m giving her space, because we talked once like 5 days after the break up and she said she didn’t want to work on anything. It’s been 2 weeks since that talk, and she hasn’t reached out at all. I just want what we had back. She was so happy, neither of us thought this was going to end. We never even fought.

As a person with a similar story from mos. ago, just be patient.

Take it from a guy that destroyed his chance at a reunion, do no get clingy or needy.
My exBPD, or really any woman, finds that a weakness. Let her have that space to sort it out. The more you push, it may make her pull away.

On this site you will get great advice.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Steez,

I'm sorry that your relationship has dissolved out of the blue. I can imagine how painful that must feel.

Did something change that may have caused her to want to withdraw from others? Since she also did the same to other friends it sounds like it could be something that she is going through.

Is she open to talking or has she asked you to not contact her?

Usually giving them the space they ask for is the best approach. The more you try to pursue her and chase after her, the farther she will run. In the meantime what can you do for yourself so that your breakup doesn't overwhelm your life and thoughts?

[Steez]

Did something change that may have caused her to want to withdraw from others? Since she also did the same to other friends it sounds like it could be something that she is going through.

Is she open to talking or has she asked you to not contact her?

Usually giving them the space they ask for is the best approach. The more you try to pursue her and chase after her, the farther she will run. In the meantime what can you do for yourself so that your breakup doesn't overwhelm your life and thoughts?

She’s said through our mutual friend she “wants me to just move on”, kind of like when she said “you’ll find someone better, and then say “that dumb ___ was right” (referring to herself) “.
The only thing I noticed was different was that she’d been getting more depressed. When our friend asked her what happened, she just kind of got short, and said she just wasn’t happy, etc. This was the same friend she’d raved to about me when we were going strong.

It’s very confusing for me, but I’ve heard it’s not uncommon for those with BPD or even severe depression to just shut loved ones out to be alone.

In the mean time, I’m trying to focus on school and work more. My buddy got me back into working out after I took a few weeks off, I’m cleaning my house more, just self improvement stuff. Also, I’m seeing a counselor, which helps keep the suicidal ideation at bay, and realize there’s other great women I’m compatible with.

There’s still that part of me that loves her and hopes she’ll come back and we could be like we used to. Those were the best months of my life, no memory I have compares.

[Steez]

As a person with a similar story from mos. ago, just be patient.

Take it from a guy that destroyed his chance at a reunion, do no get clingy or needy.
My exBPD, or really any woman, finds that a weakness. Let her have that space to sort it out. The more you push, it may make her pull away.

On this site you will get great advice.

Thanks man, I appreciate it a lot. I’m doing just that, I’m not calling her or texting her, it’s important she works through what she’s going through. It feels like the old cliche of her not loving herself, so she thinks that what we had was too good to be true. I’ve read users on here with BPD day they’ve pushed everyone out when they feel that way.

 I just hope one day she’ll remember how we loved each other and come back and we could be like we were. I’m supportive, and I think if she was getting therapy and compliant with her meds, I’d be able to be a good boyfriend/husband down the line. But it’s just a hope, not something I’m waiting around for.

[Lost-love-mind]

 I just hope one day she’ll remember how we loved each other and come back and we could be like we were. I’m supportive, and I think if she was getting therapy and compliant with her meds, I’d be able to be a good boyfriend/husband down the line. But it’s just a hope, not something I’m waiting around for.

Good move. Good luck.
Focus on yourself. Dedicated to your serenity.
I was so far in the abyss, something had to change in my life.
My pursuit was terrible and may have driven my exBPD away for good.
Today, I'm healing slowly. But healing by taking responsibility for my actions.
Take care.

[Steez]

Good move. Good luck.
Focus on yourself. Dedicated to your serenity.
I was so far in the abyss, something had to change in my life.
My pursuit was terrible and may have driven my exBPD away for good.
Today, I'm healing slowly. But healing by taking responsibility for my actions.
Take care.

Sorry for replying late, for some reason my phone didn’t show the updated response. Any further advice you have? With the holiday season starting, I’m getting a bit worse depression wise, but I’m staying firm with not contacting her. A: don’t want to look desperate B: want her to need ME, not the other way around. Just gets hard when I think of all our plans and how I wish I could show her off to my family, and take her places. It’s so damn lonely.

[Lost-love-mind]

Sorry for replying late, for some reason my phone didn’t show the updated response. Any further advice you have? With the holiday season starting, I’m getting a bit worse depression wise, but I’m staying firm with not contacting her. A: don’t want to look desperate B: want her to need ME, not the other way around. Just gets hard when I think of all our plans and how I wish I could show her off to my family, and take her places. It’s so damn lonely.

Wow. My exact feelings last summer when it was over. All the plans I had made for us, etc.
Stop the abyss of depression, NOW.
Get a support group of friends. Get to a therapist. Find spiritual help.
Please. Do not try to go it alone.

[Lost-love-mind]

Wow. My exact feelings last summer when it was over. All the plans I had made for us, etc.
Stop the abyss of depression, NOW.
Get a support group of friends. Get to a therapist. Find spiritual help.
Please. Do not try to go it alone.

Just wanted to add the danger of wanting to "show her off". I did that with photos of my exBPD and did it everyday and to anyone that would listen. Later I learned through T that is a symptom of narcissistic behavior. Turns out my insecurities of abandonment (my BPD diagnosis) is masked by my narcissism of control, not to prove I'm better, but to prevent her from abandoning me.
It's not something we should be doing to someone we love.
Trying to stay in contact is an insecure attempt at control over our exBPD.
All the time I was attempting contact after the breakup was my fear of abandonment masked by NPD control.
Again, please find support anyway you can.
Contact help ASAP to avoid the abyss of depression.

[once removed]

I noticed she was getting more and more depressed, it seemed, after she was diagnosed with BPD.

do you know what led to her diagnosis?

quite often a major life crisis leads to a diagnosis of BPD. was she already in therapy?

[Steez]

do you know what led to her diagnosis?

quite often a major life crisis leads to a diagnosis of BPD. was she already in therapy?

She was seeing a psychiatrist for depression, then from what I understand the ongoing diagnosis went from possible bipolar disorder to BPD. She was concerned, naturally, about how I’d react but I told her I loved her and she was still the same old (name) to me. I could tell she was very depressed towards the end of things though, she wasn’t happy with anything. She slept way more, it took a lot to make her smile. Then she said I was trying too hard and it felt like I wasn’t her boyfriend because of that.