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Author Topic: Is she or isn't she?  (Read 349 times)
vio123

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: November 23, 2017, 12:51:54 AM »

Past 5 months I've had this online relationship (she's in my birth country, I am in the US now) with this 40 year old woman. I did not show interest in the beginning but slowly she pulled me in. There was a definite idealization stage where she she told me I'm the one she's been waiting for, that we will always be together no matter what and that she loves me and that we should have kids and get married soon. We were talking 2-3 times a day and exchanging thousand of messages.

She does have issues - bad panic attacks with pulse up to 160. She said they started 2-3 years ago and because of that she was prescribed both Zoloft and Klonopin. Past few months she tried giving them up on her own and failed (withdrawal from both can be bad without supervision). She really wants children and thinks she cannot do that while taking those medicines. But she never wanted help from me or anyone else and did not want people to know. She kept thinking I will leave her because she is like this and yes she has an abnormal fear of abandonment ( told me she could get over me cheating on her but to never leave her).

Her father did abandon them when she was 6, her mother is controlling and religious (though they apparently have a good relationship now) and her mother did mention her propensity from jumping head-first into relationships. She was married for 7 years (and she says it was mostly because he was rich) and apparently he left her because, she says, he could not have kids and she would not agree to having kids with a sperm donor.

Professionally she is a very successful lawyer and very well-off financially though she did get involved with some white-collars criminals as her lawyer and perhaps even as a partner - she was evasive on that and said she cannot talk on the phone. I do know the basics from common friends so I know she is not lying about what she does.

Toward the end of September things started going south: according to her she was called to give some statements to the police and she thought she might be going to jail which really stressed her out. I could feel she was not so much into me as before though she kept saying it's because of the work and health and that she still loves me. She also told me she wanted to drop the 2 medicines and talked to a doctor about that who told her she may need to be mostly sedated during that time. Because she was in so much pain i showed more concern than before and I sometimes feel that made her pull away - I think she may do best with people who  forcefully tell her what to do and that create drama in her life.

6 weeks ago, after she did not say anything for 3 days I asked her what was going on as things were obviously different. She again said the people she worked with betrayed her and she was afraid she will lose a great deal and that also that she had just come from the hospital since her anxiety was through the roof. She said how can I think it's something else when I asked her - it's just her work and health. She said she wants not to talk until she gets better and that i should forget her for a while.

I stopped all contact after that and she did as well. I did hear later that an old married boyfriend was back in town and wanted her back but don't know what is happening past that. She keeps liking every single one of my FB posts and posts things that suggests she is going through something temporary but that we belong together in the long run.  Anyway, once she knew I knew about the old BF (may have been a coincidence) she became a recluse - deleted her messenger and did not go to FB (which had a role in me finding out) for 10 days, until today when shared a picture of some kids and this is someone that was there daily. There was someone there who I thought may be the guy but also soon after she found out I knew (from a different source) he deleted all his comments and likes from her profile - it felt like perhaps there was a fight between them.

So obviously there's a lot there that suggests borderline, including lying about various, fairly inconsequential things and her saying that she does not feel like herself (depersonalization). The things that seem different from what I've been reading: no anger or rage, does not ask anything of me or others (as far as I know) - too compliant at times in fact. We never fought and even in our last discussion she was extremely nice though she was likely sedated. I thought perhaps bipolar is a possibility but her issues are mainly relationship-related. And I know I'm fooling myself if i think she really is trying to get better and that is the reason she's staying away- no one would stay completely away for 6 weeks if she still cared (though obviously I'm doing it). She may think I don't want her anymore ( her self-esteem is quite low). I know she intellectually thinks i would be an ideal match for her and I know that I am her type physically plus her mother apparently likes me and has been fighting for me behind the scenes but that means nothing if she does not feel anything anymore, I know.

I will be going there for the holidays and not sure if I should even attempt to contact her once I get there or if i should let her do that which it's likely that she won't. Also, there's no question she has issues but does it seem like full-blown borderline or can this be a combination of things?

I do know I have some co-dependent issues and i am trying hard to work through them.

Thanks for reading.
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Tattered Heart
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943



« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2017, 08:10:42 AM »

Sorry for the late reply and sorry that your relationship fell apart. It sounds like she is still open to a relationship but really does need some time for herself. Did you see/talk her over the holiday? How did it go?
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

vio123

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2017, 11:23:43 AM »

Sorry for the late reply and sorry that your relationship fell apart. It sounds like she is still open to a relationship but really does need some time for herself. Did you see/talk her over the holiday? How did it go?

Thanks for the reply.

I did not travel there yet but will over the Christmas holidays. She reached out a few days ago after 6 weeks of silence and wants me to contact her when we can talk face-to-face. I did not reply but will likely call her when I get there . I am still not sure how much the silence was due to BPD and how much to her trying to get her life together without me being there while she goes through the medicine withdrawal and the bad work stuff. I suppose it will be apparent if we get to talk face-to-face.
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Tattered Heart
Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943



« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2017, 11:47:27 AM »

What will you say when you respond to her? How can you let her know that you understand she needs space but leaving you hanging like that is unfair to you?
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

vio123

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2017, 06:26:23 PM »

What will you say when you respond to her? How can you let her know that you understand she needs space but leaving you hanging like that is unfair to you?

I only plan on talking to her face-to-face and I think that will make it easier to see what's truly happening. I think I should be able to tell if it was a question of space or if that was just the discard phase and now she's attempting to come back.

It would be easy if she had rage or showed that she did not care during those 6 weeks but she kept giving signs throughout this time that this is temporary and that she eventually wants to come back. This could have been genuine or just a way to keep me close in case things did not work out with whatever else she had going.

What kept me from completely leaving her is that I only saw kindness from her, both during the idealization and the discard phase so I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and have that face-to-face discussion to clear things up.


 
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