Dyregulation and emotional abuse

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD/uNPD H has a way of being that is familiar with many of us.

When he is unhappy, dissatisfied, fearful or tired he will dysregulate and I am the nearest target.  It happens rapidly and I can usually predict the episodes.

Today, he dysregulated about housekeeping.  I have a disability that sometimes acts up and I cannot easily move around.  After surgeries, my doctors have ordered me not to drive, so my H has to take me to my appointments.

He uses these appointments to blackmail me--typical FOG.  H is a Punisher.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

One time, while driving me from an appointment, he raged at having to drive me (when incapacitated, I am of no use to him), and I responded by pointing out his lack of empathy at my condition.  He screamed that I was abusing him and not appreciating what he "always" had to do for me, and called me several vulgar, insulting names (which you can well imagine.)

Then, in the middle of the street, and with traffic possibly coming from behind, he suddenly put the car in park, got out and left the car abruptly and walked around the corner out of my view.  He did not even pull the car over to the curb.  He left me in traffic.  I was frantic, terrified of being rear-ended, as I tried to get out of the seat belt and hobble over the to driver's seat to at least park the car at the curb. 

As I was in the middle of trying to open the passenger car door when he reappeared, called me a few more names and accused me of how I "forced" him to abandon me in traffic.  "You made me do it!" he said.  He got back into the driver's seat and proceeded to drive us home, giving me the silent treatment all the way.  I said I could not believe what he just did to me and he replied, "If you talk to me that way again, I would do it again. Do you understand me?"

As he dysregulated today, I wonder if I will have to cancel my medical appointment. H started into his complaints about my surgery and the housekeeping, so I gave him a SET response.  He started pouting.

As most pwBPD, when he splits me black he is incapable of being loving.  He either loves me or hates me.  No shades of gray.  Today, he was only aware of the rage he felt at that point in time and my not making him happy.

Very BPD/NPD.

H is supposed to drive me for a medical appointment, but if he is still splitting, I can easily see him telling me, "Find someone else to take you or take a bus!"  He has done this before. 

 

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[pearlsw]

Hi AskingWhy,

I am so sorry to hear this! Medical issues have been an issue for and my h at times too - him refusing to take me to medical appointments or telling me he's cancelled them or threatening me in regards to medical bills. I pay for some but since they are often from another country I have to pay him and then he pays the bills as they don't accept my methods of payment or currencies I can use. It is all a bit much!

He has promised me never to "mess with me" on these issues again, but I know if push came to shove he would certainly do so. I have noticed that with my h a lot of it is about him simply not knowing how to express/show support very well. It's been exhausting, but I've tried to teach him some simple things to say and do to show support. But I'm "lucky" in this sense as he has a strong sense of shame and guilt and truly does want to do better and have a more peaceful relationship even if he doesn't always have the means to follow through.

I find that having routines and simple rules to follow helps my h a lot. The less he has to think and plan for new situations the easier he can cope - I suppose that is true for all of us to one degree or another.

What happened with the housekeeping may I ask?

[AskingWhy]

pearlsw, thank you for the reply.  I am sorry that you, too, have issues with your H.

H did not press the housework issue as, underneath it all, he knew I was not capable of doing the housecleaning.  He just wanted to complain about it.

Other members of his family are likely NPD or BPD, so I see a thread in the way they interact. It is all very unhealthy. 

FIL is uNPD and MIL was enabler. 

H is getting "better" about certain things.  He no longer calls names--at least not as much as he used to.  (He developed some empathy when his children reached adulthood and saw then in difficult romantic relationships.)  Much of this has to do with my communication style.  It was my deliberate attempt to diffuse the rage when H dysregulated.  In the past, the issues were so irrational that I raged back.  I know now that is not the way I should have responded.  I came to understand BPDs and NPDs really like the drama, and I did not want to feed into that.

I know H has "sparks" of self-awareness and empathy.  One time he wrote me a long note on his being a "d-bag," and wanting to be a better husband.  Deep down inside, he is insecure, dislikes himself, is envious of me and others, and resents his own uNPD F.  He is too terrified to undergo any counseling yet blames me for "every" bad feeling he has.

Disagreements often end in divorce threats.

[AskingWhy]

I want to report that H is now Dr. Jekyll again.  It took him one night to split back and forth.

He called from work to ask about dinner. 

Of course, this can change at any time if a trigger arises and H splits again.

Having a good understand of BPD is really helpful to protecting yourself from the chaos they can cause.

[yeeter]

Hugs Asking   

It may not be practical, but I have found that medical work is best done without my wife around.  I prefer to do it myself, even get some other friend to drive if needed (or uber).  In part this is because my wife 'takes over' the conversation with the doc and decides what is the best treatment for me (the NPD tendency), and I do not always agree with this nor do I always get to ask my questions.

So I just stopped including her in these conversations. 

Then recently I had a surgery and did tell her it was happening for me.  She made a very deliberate point of WANTING to be included and supportive.  (to be honest though at this stage it goes better without her).  Anyway she came with to the pre-op but at one point I had to tell her directly she was interfering with my conversation with the doc and she needed to have her own separate conversation, since I wasnt getting the questions answered that I wanted.  I gave that feedback privately.  She took it 'pretty well', in that there wasnt a complete rage in the hospital, so that is real improvement over earlier years.

But one time I even drove myself to the ER in the night for some treatment, and didnt even bother telling my wife until I was released an on the way home (came home instead of going to work).  This upset her a little, but I just couldnt deal with her drama on top of a medical emergency.  Sometimes though, which sounds like in your case, you have to have someone to drive.

But if I felt someone was going to leave me stranded in traffic, I would not rely on them in the future and would find some other transportation.  (not that easy I know, but something to think about).

I dont know if productive, but I have to wonder if you are better off not expecting/asking for support that your husband is not capable of giving.  Fill that support need in some other way.  Only expect the support that your partner is genuinely capable of giving. 

In the case of NPD/BPD, it is pretty limited capability.

[flourdust]

I agree with yeeter. The driving sounds like a big trigger for him, and it creates unsafe situations. Can you take a bus, Uber, or cab? You might be reluctant because of cost or inconvenience, but just treat it as if your H has a disability that makes him incapable of driving ... .which is essentially the truth.

Oh... .depending on your area, there may be low-cost rides available for the disabled.

[AskingWhy]

yeeter and flourdust, thank you for the replies.  Yesterday, H did take to my medical appointment, but it was not without the silent treatment the entire hour over and the entire hour back.  As I said, he really FOGged me.

H usually dysregulates when he does not have control over something (namely me), such as his work or children's horrible life choices.

Today, he really went Hyde on me and literally screamed and swore at me, the "F U" and said, "I hate you!"  Just like a toddler!

My response was to take this like the tantrum of a young child.  I went about my chores without even looking up and said, "I know, yes, yes, yes, and you want to divorce me, but you still have to pick up your toys."  I can't believe I said this to him. 

He is such a typical pwNPD.

Unable to get me to fight or cry, he was baffled and did not seem to know what to do.

It think the refusal to engage helps.  In the past, I would rage or break down weeping when he threatened divorce or called me names.  My heart would race and I would fall into deep depression.  Now I see it as a manifestation of his PDs