3+ years and not recovered

[Bo123]

No relationship ending ever took that long, then again none we BPD.  Several years dating from a small distance apart, culture difference, engaged and in the end she said she couldn't marry me or communicate in any way with me.  I asked for some time to at least clear things up--no go.  How it turned out was that I never saw her again but she would call middle of night to talk, email maybe once a week or month, disappear for 2 months then email, I'd respond and after 2 weeks not hearing from her email her again and get blasted how we were over and she's not going to drop everything to answer my email.  She was a high functioning, educated filipina living in the US.  A day before Valentines she emailed a whole page of special things I had done for her just on Valentines Day's in the past and said just reminiscing.  She moved and made it a point to tell me me her new filipina friend said she was going to teach her how to date American guys.  Knew it was over for sure then.  No contact now for a year.  No closure, no discussion on anything, no closure.  She had a good heart and was a good person and was well liked by friends, employers,etc, but in the relationship she was totally different.  Couldn't tell her anything, if we sat down on the couch to talk she just refused to answer any questions.  She had told me in the time we talked on the phone before we met that she was at times moody and childlike.  I wrote it off as normal female hormones and liking to hold on to part of being a child at times, both I thought were adult admissions.  Her moods were like extreme 0-100-0 at times, she pouted at any hint of why something she was trying and I softly gave a hint, she would just pout and keep doing it her way the entire relationship, a mess every time.  Being filipina which is a shame-based culture, she always worried what her mom 10,000 miles away would think if... .With 1 exception I have been friends or have discussed the ending and made it as pleasant as possible, for her/I it finally turned ugly a year after the break-up.  There are soo many things I don't miss, yet I'm stuck not having that closure which always worked so well for me in the past.  Her mom died towards the very end of our communication and she said her mom said something about me a few days before she died and I asked what?  She said it doesn't matter.  Communication I think is the #1 thing that keeps a good relationship going, she was the worst at communication of any gf.  I guess I wrote it off to the culture difference.  I usually give myself a year+ between long term relationships but 3 years is too long and worse yet, I have zero interest in dating, none.  That's a first.  I got a great life but feel she took every desire I ever had to date again, I gave 110%, gave in 90% to her culture and friends and was comfortable with it as I was going to marry this girl.  Can't explain exactly where I'm at but life is passing me by and I can't stay here, yet I'm unable to emotionally move.  My female friends and some of hers said as her parents pass away she will be at my doorstep as she'll never find a guy who did all the things I did for her(that's just me, I've always treated all my gf's like a queen in so many ways).  Well, not only has she not showed up, no contact and she's was last I heard had a bf.

[Bo123]

Just changed the title as I'm curious if there have been any studies or just feedback in general as to whether the leaving BPD ever contacts their ex.  My scenario was mild compared to many but got real close to getting married and was saved by her culture.  In the year and a half break-up and not seeing her, I got no closer to getting any answers than I did when she left.  I think I was a cushion knowing that I would always be there as long as she was nice and then when she found someone I text her to stop contacting me if it was just for sympathy and she did.  Still looking for closure and how she's doing in life but I bet those questions go unanswered

[Mutt]

Hi Bo123,

Communication I think is the #1 thing that keeps a good relationship going, she was the worst at communication of any gf.  I guess I wrote it off to the culture difference.

I like how you said that. BPD is chaotic, unstable and intense interpersonal r/s. A pwBPD didn’t develop healthy relationship skills. Both people have to work on the r/s, from the info that you wrote in your post, wasn’t interested or doesn’t know how to repair the r/s.

feedback in general as to whether the leaving BPD ever contacts their ex. My scenario was mild compared to many but got real close to getting married and was saved by her culture.  In the year and a half break-up and not seeing her, I got no closer to getting any answers than I did when she left.

I’ve been on the boards for just under five years and I’ve heard some pwBPD return weeks, months, years and even decades. She doesn’t have healthy r/s skills and she won’t be able to provide closure to you if that’s you’re looking for.

Maybe you think that you did something wrong in the r/s and would like to get feedback from her? She’s not going to be able to give you that either.

Many of us get stuck in r/s myths w/pwBPD and one trap that I wanted to touch in is believing that the r/s will return to the idealization phase. When you think about her write things down.

Sometimes we only look at the good parts of the r/s. When things were they were really good in the r/s but write two columns down, one side the good things that she did and the bad. Look at it and ask yourself if you want to go back?

I’d suggest to let go of any hope, you’ve been stuck for a long time. It’s hard to convey your experience and pain from a r/s with a pwBPD if your audience has not gone through a similar experience. You have an emotional wound that needs to heal in order to move on, part of healing is letting go of any hope. Another and many on this board have been in your shoes is closure.

Sometimes we lose a partner due to something quick and tragic and we don’t closure but nobody was prepared for it. In a case like that, the living partner can give themselves closure. It’s the same concept with a pwBPD, maybe we saw the signs in the r/s but we’re still not prepared when our owBPD leave us, it’s like ripping off a bandaid, it happens quickly and it hurts in this case because we’re left with no answers, you’re also feeling life long emotional wounds, excruciating pain and not understood by people that are close to us they can’t empathize because they haven’t gone through the experience but this board has.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Bo, Let me echo Mutt and say you are not alone.  We've ripped off the same band-aid.  Like many things that are out of your control, it's best to let go.  If you are unsure, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.  Yes, you will recover, but letting go will help to expedite your healing.  You probably will never have answers to many of your r/s questions about her.  BPD is extremely complex and those suffering from the disorder often act in unreasonable and/or irrational ways.  Just the way it is with BPD.  It's a stone that is best left unturned, at this point.  Instead, suggest you focus on yourself.  Treat yourself well, with care and compassion, and I predict you will notice a difference.

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Bo,

You've had some great advice here from Mutt and LJ.  After the change to your title, I have one main question really for you.  :)o you feel that deep down you are waiting for her to come back and could that be the thing that is holding you back from moving on?  Ask yourself if she were to come back tomorrow, after what you have been through emotionally and all of this time has passed, would you really want to pick up as if none of that had happened?  With the best will in the world, it's unlikely that it would sit well with you.  Sometimes our reality simply cannot match up with the ideal fantasy of what would happen.  

I would presume that she has had relationships in the time you've been apart, as it sounds like that was her intention when you parted ways.  Those individuals will have been idealised as you were.  It's hard to accept that others would hold the same special place we did with our exes and that we may not have been all that different from the next person, but acceptance is the key to letting go.  We all reach the point of acceptance in our own time.  She is going to follow that pattern with everyone she meets and if it was you that pattern would simply repeat again.
 
You can't put your life on hold.  You're worth more than that.  

Do you have a therapist?  I know you said that you've got a great life.  From the sounds of it you're saying that something is still missing.  What have you done just for you to move your life forwards since the breakup?  This is a good time to examine just how far you have come in all the important parts of your life, which may be further than you think.  Then to build upon that.  When your world is as you wish it to be, a person that truly aligns with that will be more likely to show up.

Keep talking here as much as you need to.  We're listening.  

Love and light x          

[Bo123]

Thanks a lot Mutt, LJ and Harley for your response.  I don't want her back the way she was but I didn't know she was BPD until after the relationship via a counselor.  I would have acted different had I known.  Yeah after 40,000 miles plus visiting her while she got her advanced degree and not knowing what her parents did as far as approval or not of the marriage, turning down a six figure job to work on the relationship(early on), spending all my vacation time on her and resigning a great job(I'm retired so it didn't hurt but was a great job) to spend more time with her and the more time together there was a very noticible improvement in the r/s, really a major change.  I gave 110% for 3 years and got left with no answers and little communication, yeah I'm looking for some answers, 10,000 miles just for the romance of asking her parents for her hand in marriage.  I may not ever get them, but I DESERVE them.  And yeah it is holding me back, sad but true.  I've been thinking of hinting to a mutual friend that I'd like to talk but have not brought myself to do that yet, don't know why?

[truthbeknown]

Bo123:

"looking for answers"... .


I was too/ have been and then i created an analogy to help my mind deal with this endless search.

I call it Love-Mugged.  When a robber takes our money we think that we can get it back but when they take something that we thought we only had  one of like an heirloom then it is unreplaceable.

Here's the weird thing.  They are the heirloom because they objectify themselves.  So they create this one of a kind diamond that we can't replace and then they "mug" us and steel our love-- THEM!   So they make themselves the love object and then steal it away.

In stealing themselves they took the love that we positively projected onto them.  So that is the theft.  However, we forget (i think) that we can recreate or grow love again.  Maybe that precious cargo is lost forever but the love that you gave her is not because you created it.

For me i'm realizing that a healthy person would not have attached the love we gave to themselves like some object that was going to be sold to the highest bidder.  Instead, i image healthy love in a partner as being a person who gives love freely and doesn't look at themselves as the object of that love they received from us to be bought and sold on the free market.

Hope this analogy/story helps- i am having to use my imagination and get out of my reasoning or critical thinking mind that is trying to solve the problem.  From this place i can see it slightly different.
Does it mean that i don't have days where i feel LOVE-MUGGED? Heck no! but my wounds are recovering from being mugged and today I practiced projecting my love out to the world- I smiled at people, was polite and friendly as i could be and I started to feel like LITTLE GROOT (if you've seen Guardian of the Galaxy 2?).

we are with you.  I believe we still have the roots of love- these people may just have one of our branches?

[EdR]

Hello!

I wish I could help you... .      I'm glad your post has received some great replies, but I think the best advice ("give up hope" could prove to be the hardest. Those 3 years have shown you truly loved her. Period.

I wish she/they would just see how much it would help us if they provided us with some form of closure. But their shame, their BPD seems to block them from this. Block them from true empathy.

[Bo123]

The last two posts were good advice also.  It seems to take as much energy that we put into the relationship to get past a BPD relationship.  Odd bird, this whole BPD disorder.