A little story for those who are stuck undecided, like myself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I agree with Torched, that it is awesome to get out of an abusive BPD marriage. Though I married yet another BPD, my life is so much better than it was in the first marriage.

I'm participating here because: 1. living with a pwBPD, even a very nice and kind one, is challenging  2. I was so traumatized by the first BPD husband and it's taken a while to finally heal  3. unfortunately, I displaced a lot of anger upon my current husband that originated with my BPD mom and first husband  4. I'm learning a lot about me and why I was drawn to pwBPDs in the first place  and  5. I feel that by examining my history, I've found a taste of emotional freedom for the first time in my life

Yes, it's not a picnic to be married to a pwBPD, but when abuse isn't present, it can certainly be a workable relationship, and fun at times. This time around I was never drawn in as deeply to the dysfunction as I was in the first marriage, partly because he's a much healthier person than my first husband.

I've maintained connections with friends and for the most part, my life is great. The difference is abuse is not present. There was a time when he started to become verbally abusive. I had been accustomed to much worse in my first marriage, so it didn't even occur to me that it was happening. But  my therapist noted it when she saw the two of us when we did marriage counseling for a year.

Since then, I've seen her on my own, participated here and in the last year or so, things have been remarkably better at home for me.

Regarding him, he still regularly goes into depressions and gets cranky, but I just go on my merry way and no longer feel responsible for his emotional state. I think I'm finally healing from lifelong codependency and caretaking. I think it's sad that he's a tortured soul at times, but it's not my responsibility.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with Torched, that it is awesome to get out of an abusive BPD marriage. Though I married yet another BPD, my life is so much better than it was in the first marriage.

I'm participating here because: 1. living with a pwBPD, even a very nice and kind one, is challenging  2. I was so traumatized by the first BPD husband and it's taken a while to finally heal  3. unfortunately, I displaced a lot of anger upon my current husband that originated with my BPD mom and first husband  4. I'm learning a lot about me and why I was drawn to pwBPDs in the first place  and  5. I feel that by examining my history, I've found a taste of emotional freedom for the first time in my life

Yes, it's not a picnic to be married to a pwBPD, but when abuse isn't present, it can certainly be a workable relationship, and fun at times. This time around I was never drawn in as deeply to the dysfunction as I was in the first marriage, partly because he's a much healthier person than my first husband.

I've maintained connections with friends and for the most part, my life is great. The difference is abuse is not present. There was a time when he started to become verbally abusive. I had been accustomed to much worse in my first marriage, so it didn't even occur to me that it was happening. But  my therapist noted it when she saw the two of us when we did marriage counseling for a year.

Since then, I've seen her on my own, participated here and in the last year or so, things have been remarkably better at home for me.

Regarding him, he still regularly goes into depressions and gets cranky, but I just go on my merry way and no longer feel responsible for his emotional state. I think I'm finally healing from lifelong codependency and caretaking. I think it's sad that he's a tortured soul at times, but it's not my responsibility.

[metalux]

This all sounds familiar to me. My husband is uBPD and has abused me in physical and emotional ways.   It's mortifying to me that this ever happened. I've always thought 8f myself as 'not that kind of person', I'm college educated, have run businesses, people would probably describe me as a strong person... .someone for whom physical abuse would obviously be a deal breaker.  But somehow I'm here, and I feel just like the daughter in your story. I'm isolated, not a friend or family member to turn to, I don't have an income of my own now,   and I just like him when he's not spinning out. I have childhood physical absue, so maybe thats why its felt normal... .I'm trying to work it out in therapy. 

I feel like the vigilance of maintaining fair boundaries for him to NOT cross is draining me dead. Someone wrote about abusers crossing boundaries will just keep escalating. Maybe not in a few months, but how will he be in 5 years?  That scares me and makes me exhausted.  I cried about someone else posting how nice it was to give someone healthy all my love  and how nice it was, that it was reciprocated. What if i could express myself and not fear retaliation,  endless hoursm of circular arguments,  silent treatment,  unfair rules that only apply to me, simply being nice to me in an argument.

I can imagine being male in this situation might be hard to admit. But for sure, as a woman, it's no less mortifying, embarrassing to bring up, admit whats happened, exhausting, belittling. Who likes to be lumped into a shabby gray stereotype of domestic violence ?   I think of him as the love of my life when he's not Mr. Hyde. Its so confusing, not to mention the upheaval and fear about separating.

[Cat Familiar]

This all sounds familiar to me. My husband is uBPD and has abused me in physical and emotional ways.   It's mortifying to me that this ever happened. I've always thought 8f myself as 'not that kind of person', I'm college educated, have run businesses, people would probably describe me as a strong person... .someone for whom physical abuse would obviously be a deal breaker. 

Yes, your words describe me in my first marriage. I was so humiliated that I was in this position and I worked hard to keep the abuse secret from friends. What finally changed for me was confiding in a friend. When I started describing what was going on behind the scenes, the words kept tumbling out and I started to see my situation from a more objective vantage point. Then I realized it wasn't sustainable.

It's a worthy endeavor to visualize your current situation in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 40 years. Then decide if this is how you want to spend your life.

[Lucky Jim]

I worked hard to keep the abuse secret from friends. What finally changed for me was confiding in a friend. When I started describing what was going on behind the scenes, the words kept tumbling out and I started to see my situation from a more objective vantage point. Then I realized it wasn't sustainable.

Exactly, Cat, that's what happens when we remain silent about abuse.  Isolation is the ally of the pwBPD, which is why it's so important for Nons to maintain friendships and family relationships, not to mention seeing a therapist, in order to keep things in perspective.  Otherwise, abuse becomes normalized, which can be terrible on the Non's self-esteem and self-confidence.  It took two kind friends and a family member to convince me that, as you note, it wasn't sustainable.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

metalux:  I'm so sorry to learn of the quandary in which you find yourself.  Yet I'm here to tell you that you're not a prisoner of your uBPDh, because you have the capacity to make changes.  You're strong, college-educated and have run businesses, yet obviously your self-confidence and self-esteem have taken a battering.  You have much more power than you think you do.  Just by posting here, you are taking a step in a healthier direction.  Many of us have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim