Still hurting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It’s been a bit over a month since my ex abruptly left me, saying we were too different and that she wasn’t happy after we’d been together over 6 months. To give you an idea, she was still planning to take me on a surprise cruise for my upcoming birthday as recent as a week before she broke it off, according to her mom. About our relationship: very intimate, very affectionate, she said she never wanted (nor could she see) it ending, we’d talked about long term plans, she told me I was her best friend etc. We’d never even fought. It was an absolutely loving relationship. This is why the “it doesn’t feel like you’re my boyfriend” thing makes no sense.

She was diagnosed with BPD towards the end of it, and I’d only really seen her BPD in one conversation we’d had, where she was telling me I tried to impress her or tried too hard to please her when in reality I was just trying to show her I wasn’t getting complacent, that I’d always want to surprise her etc. what made it me see the BPD was that it came out of nowhere mid conversation. She was nervous about how I’d react when diagnosed, but I told her I loved her and I’d always be there for her. Her diagnosis didn’t change that I loved her. I’m no expert, but it seems like a sort of “I’ll hurt you before you can hurt me” type scenario, because even as she left me, she said “you’ll find someone better, and think that dumb ___ (referring to herself) was right”. It hurt to hear her talk about herself like that, because our friends and I noticed she was changing in the week or so leading up to our split. She was just depressed and tired all the time. She pushed a lot of people out, not just me, but close friends too.

Any ways, we haven’t talked but once since, and that was right after we split. I’ve dated other girls but I still love her. I feel sick, I mean there was this person that I did everything with, and suddenly we’re just done and it’s like nothing happened. I’m seeing a counselor, and started before she broke up with me because of work related depression (EMS) and continued after, but I’m still hurt over it all.

Has anyone worked through similar situations with their loved one? I was thinking of just seeing how she’s been. I just want my best friend back.

[Steez]

It’s been a bit over a month since my ex abruptly left me, saying we were too different and that she wasn’t happy after we’d been together over 6 months. To give you an idea, she was still planning to take me on a surprise cruise for my upcoming birthday as recent as a week before she broke it off, according to her mom. About our relationship: very intimate, very affectionate, she said she never wanted (nor could she see) it ending, we’d talked about long term plans, she told me I was her best friend etc. We’d never even fought. It was an absolutely loving relationship. This is why the “it doesn’t feel like you’re my boyfriend” thing makes no sense.

She was diagnosed with BPD towards the end of it, and I’d only really seen her BPD in one conversation we’d had, where she was telling me I tried to impress her or tried too hard to please her when in reality I was just trying to show her I wasn’t getting complacent, that I’d always want to surprise her etc. what made it me see the BPD was that it came out of nowhere mid conversation. She was nervous about how I’d react when diagnosed, but I told her I loved her and I’d always be there for her. Her diagnosis didn’t change that I loved her. I’m no expert, but it seems like a sort of “I’ll hurt you before you can hurt me” type scenario, because even as she left me, she said “you’ll find someone better, and think that dumb ___ (referring to herself) was right”. It hurt to hear her talk about herself like that, because our friends and I noticed she was changing in the week or so leading up to our split. She was just depressed and tired all the time. She pushed a lot of people out, not just me, but close friends too.

Any ways, we haven’t talked but once since, and that was right after we split. I’ve dated other girls but I still love her. I feel sick, I mean there was this person that I did everything with, and suddenly we’re just done and it’s like nothing happened. I’m seeing a counselor, and started before she broke up with me because of work related depression (EMS) and continued after, but I’m still hurt over it all.

Has anyone worked through similar situations with their loved one? I was thinking of just seeing how she’s been. I just want my best friend back.

[Lost-love-mind]

Wow. Yes. It's a similar story. We never fought in person (maybe minor in texts) and the day if the breakup she emailed me that she never met anyone like me.
However, "tired all the time"? Same with my exBPD.
Particularly after she changed jobs to a intense physical labor job.
You might consider some time and space and gather your thoughts.
The advice you get here will be very helpful.
You are in the right place.

[Steez]

Wow. Yes. It's a similar story. We never fought in person (maybe minor in texts) and the day if the breakup she emailed me that she never met anyone like me.
However, "tired all the time"? Same with my exBPD.
Particularly after she changed jobs to a intense physical labor job.
You might consider some time and space and gather your thoughts.
The advice you get here will be very helpful.
You are in the right place.

Thank you. It’s just been tough for me to grasp. I don’t know what to do about it. I keep hoping that she’ll miss what we had and want to get back together. Like I said, it just feels like I lost my best friend, but she’s just different now. It’s so confusing, I miss the way things were.

[Lost-love-mind]

it just feels like I lost my best friend, but she’s just different now. It’s so confusing, I miss the way things were.

In my brief experience of the BPD and reading similar stories on the board, (plus research) the post breakup BPD will morph into a personality that is entirely different from the one they "mirrored" during the r/s with us. The one they thought we wanted in order to never leave them.
Example: I was trying to be the Christian that I was taught in parochial school. Thus, she talked about God with me, yet very superficially. She was more into astrology, and I pretended to be interested. (yes, I have BPD tendencies, as well).
Why?
I'm gonna leave that answer to others on this board since I still don't get it either and struggle with my T's diagnosis of my BPD/NPD dual diagnosis.
Good luck. Hang tight. Literally.

[Steez]

In my brief experience of the BPD and reading similar stories on the board, (plus research) the post breakup BPD will morph into a personality that is entirely different from the one they "mirrored" during the r/s with us. The one they thought we wanted in order to never leave them.
Example: I was trying to be the Christian that I was taught in parochial school. Thus, she talked about God with me, yet very superficially. She was more into astrology, and I pretended to be interested. (yes, I have BPD tendencies, as well).
Why?
I'm gonna leave that answer to others on this board since I still don't get it either and struggle with my T's diagnosis of my BPD/NPD dual diagnosis.
Good luck. Hang tight. Literally.

It’s just weird cause even our friends she works with said she changed. Like it wasn’t just with me, her attitude at work changed too. She was always friendly and very outgoing, even before we dated. Out of nowhere it’s literally like she just turned. I thought she was “mirroring” me at first after we broke up, but being that she was already very sweet and loving before we met it just makes me think she was so afraid of abandonment that she cut it off before anything could go wrong.

It’s just painful. I had no desire to leave her, I find myself hoping she’ll be able to love herself and want to work things out.