BPD OR JUST NOT A NICE WOMAN ?

[Truthseeker12]

Hi Everyone, 1st post here.

Just wanted to say to everyone on here a massive THANK YOU for this site & information. I'm so pleased to have stumbled on this because I've been struggling with my sudden dumping. Here's my version to add to the already littered pathways of broken hearts and hopefully you can offer some advice.

I'm 4 months out of a brief relationship with a local girl who I've know in the background for quite a while.

Back in May '15, she kissed me in the local boozer when I was full of drink & illegal narcs, her then BF walked in the pub, stared at her and proceeded to walk back out, so we went back to mine but never went to 3rd base and just stayed at heavy petting. I was on the way out of my relationship and that ended that year too. I saw her not long after that in the street, I apologized and she did too, but we then got talking on Messenger and she told me she regularly kisses people while out drinking. Possibly impulsive risky behaviour / thrill seeking? Anyway, no contact was forthcoming except the odd like & comment on FB.

She then split from her BF of 10 years Sept '16 and I started to get feelings for her around this time last year, which in turn snowballed after she broken her wrist while out on an Xmas party,and after I had a drink and a smoke one night in May '17, I finally got the (Dutch) courage up and asked her if she'd like a drink together at her house on her territory. She only lives down the street away from me, literally 2 mins away unfortunate as that is now.

Anyway, things picked up quickly but I class myself as an old skool guy who respects women so we didn't have sex until after a month of dating. She said "she didn't want to be bothered all the time" so we arranged to meet 2-3 times a week. I bought her roses & a t-shirt for her 40th, she was beaming and I was too. Like all my Xmas' had come at once. Jackpot lucky was a reoccurring phrase.

I would wake up everyday to a " Morning " message 6am, and she'd proceed throughout the day to message me relentlessly right up til bedtime, which was sometimes overwhelming but nice, seeing as I'd been single for 19 months. During this time she absolutely convinced me we were soul mates, although tbf she never made any plans for marriage etc and kept things at this level. I was busy too working on my projects so I was happy with this setup.

She did state she liked sex (don't we all though but? ), is very comfortable being naked (Ermmm, OK?), had rules for oral (which was a bit bizarre imo), told me "she liked the taste of that" after I'd kissed her after given her oral (again bizarre but one of may red flags I may have missed) and proceeded to mirror a lot of my actions and tastes in music and TV. She was always a bit moody and stubborn and could be abrupt but I never thought anything of it. She did once tell me very strongly "You'd better not mess me around mind or you'll be gone"

Anyway, in the July she started to speak of a character called "Charley" who'd pop round to watch a favourite show of hers at that time that I didn't like. I didn't think anything of it, what with me being a very trustworthy, kind & compassionate soul, as well as busy with my studio projects. Nothing wrong with having male friends pop round I thought...

At the end of August, I requested we change our plans one weekend to which she agreed without fuss, and we had a great Saturday night together, just like it had been all those previous Saturdays we'd had when I wasn't busy...

Suddenly, she pulls the shutters down, announces she's tired, so we go off to bed Midnight. 6am next morning, she's frantically getting dressed, making the excuse to let her old dog out as he'll need the toilet. I get a message a few hours later saying "I feel like I don't have time to do anything anymore, I feel off kilter" to which I replied "well I won't see you for a few days next week but I'll pop down tonight and you're away on holiday soon and I'm busy next weekend". Later that evening, she'd just done her first new Sport hobby practice and when I asked what time she wanted me to pop down she said "Oh I'm not very good company or bed fellow tonight" Another red flag missed?

From that day, the messages from her stopped in an instant so I had to message her, thus changing the dynamic of the conversation. She made me feel like I was hassling her when I asked her what was wrong, is everything OK and why she wasn't speaking to me much.

That week, our date night was cancelled because Charley was working on the night he'd normally be landing, so I got pushed aside and received nothing from her in over 6 hours. Due to me being a overthinking analytical Virgo with anxiety issues, I knew there was a rabbit off somewhere. My gut told me.

Our last date together the night after was spent with her sat about a foot away from me, no closeness, nothing. She was often silent at the best of times but this was different. I asked her, " So now G.O.T is finished, what you gonna do on Monday?" Her reply - " I'm going out for tea with Charley", to which I replied, " we've never had tea together do you think we'll ever go out? " "Maybe" was her reply. As we went to bed she got undressed and turned on her side, no goodnight kiss or anything. I said " I just need some reassurance that we're OK" to which I got an abrupt " stop yer whinging" and turned the light off.

The next day I was as good as ignored again, so I confronted her after work, she said " I just need my holiday, I'll be fine when I get back", I asked if she wanted to end it and she said no, she gave me a hug & a kiss and told me to come down at the end of the week.

Totally ignored on Friday. By this time my anxiety was off the chart. Saturday the short one word messages I received had no emotions next to them, and then on Sunday it was over, although she didn't actual say those words " it's over", she just changed her FB relationship status to single. Remember, she's 40 years old, it was the kind of thing a 15 yr old would do.

"It's not you it's me" " you've done nothing wrong" "I thought I was ready but my EX has damaged me" " i'm not going to say in a relationship if I'm not happy" yet the week before she'd tseen my mate FI and was all smiles and beaming with happiness. Then she got a quite abrupt and accused me of being overbearing and said "well I'm bound to retract if you're constantly messaging me". 9 days before my birthday too.

3 days later she dumped a bag full of my stuff from hers at my gate and went on holiday.When she came back I went to see her to organise my originally planned birthday trip to London and I asked her 2 simple questions

"What was the catalyst for you to just change so quickly" and I got a nothing reply, and when I asked if she saw me in her future life I got a pretty callous " No, not at all, I don't go back with my EXs, did it once and never again" Wowzers. Who the was this person in front of me? She used to have such a lovely smile when I walked through the door, now it was just emotionless, she used to call it resting ___ face. I was so looking forward to spending Xmas with her. I guess that's why I'm so anxious all the time, because I live in the future most of the time and not the now. I asked her for a hug before I left and she clung onto me for dear life and wouldn't let go, and the look on her face when I left was awful, she just looked broken, like I'd dumped her.

We went to London together to an exhibition and on the way down she told me of a dream she had where I kidnapped her and force her to marry me. I'd also lost a stone/14lbs by this point. The day was difficult, and I tried my hardest to be friendly and courteous but it was as if I was utterly abhorrent.

On the way home she literally turned her back on me on the train and made an excuse to make her own way back, claiming to be gong for a drink with a work colleague. Like a sap I gave her a hug that she again clung onto for as long as possible, I told her I loved her to which she replied " I know" and she briskly walked away.

I proceeded to have an anxiety & stress related breakdown due to this and having problems with my projects, work, smoking too much weed to get to sleep. My world collapsed inwards. I seriously thought I'd lost my mind. The worst feeling I've ever had.

In October, a mutual friend FI messaged me and told me all about her & her relationship with her EX. FI said she couldn't see me suffer any longer and that I had to know the truth about her "free spirit" lifestyle.

Allegedly, they apparently had an open relationship and were were swingers, although her EX told me when he said that she'd say " well you can move out because I'm not" and proceeded to sleep all and sundry. They also allegedly had a 3 way with a female friend of mine but this seems to be the only example & often talked about of this behaviour known so it could of been just a one off. He'd actually told me this but due to him being a complete freak I didn't believe him. FI told me of her numerous one night stands and confirmed the impulsive kissing of blokes (me obviously, as well as trying to kiss FI several times on a night out) as well as having a f*ckbuddy who'd pop round while her then BF was out at the weekend (no prizes to work out who that was? yes, Charley) Not one for monogamy apparently.

Curiosity got the better of me, and I spoke to her EX who told me this Charley character had been coming and going for over 10 years as well as a few other bits of info. One thing he did say was " you'll never tame her, and she'll play on your depression and anxiety and you'll never know who she's talking to" and she was ALWAYS on her phone and still is. On our London trip she never took it from her hand and hid it away from me a few times if I was near to or behind her, yet other times she'd open be using it. I could go on FB Messenger now and I dare bet she's active on it. Probably lining up another NS.

I even managed to get her "best mate" (sees her once a blue moon, total airhead) to confirm this Charley character who apparently " turns up when she's happy and has a weird hold over her". She even said "I can see you's getting back together next year but only if you want to, you were meant to be together", even though the EX said she'd never. Mental.

That very week I started taking anti depressants that totally screwed me over 4 days. Of course I asked her best friend to keep this between us but she blabbed anyway, next thing the EX is at mine ranting and raving saying " So I've been having an affair have I? And 3ways too? I can't believe you'd believe what that a-hole has said about me after everything I told you, I'm gonna get some legal advice " (Still waiting to hear that outcome)

I told her I'm not bothered, let me be, go have your fun. I made the grave error in my weakened mental state to say " Did the last 3 months not mean anything to you?" Her reply was " You're a great guy but it wasn't right" Mmm, interesting. If she meant that I'd put up with her having sex with random blokes as "not right" then you can bet your ass it's not.

I blurted out I had a 3rd source for all of this, and when she heard name FI after 5 minutes of ranting against her EX she couldn't get out fast enough. And she's ghosted me since but still has me on FB. Keeping me as an enemy trophy or as a charming technique for later even though she says she'll never come back?

She apparently started the smear campaign phase against me, saying I won't take no for an answer even though I've only driven by her house 3 times in 4 months. Her air headed best Friend that night actually messaged me to say I'd told her to f**k off, I'd really upset her and had heard my friends had been calling her a Psycho. Both are untrue. next day though, a lovely meme appeared that said "There's no better feeling for your soul than telling someone to f**k off"

I passed her in the street recently in the car and she couldn't bare to look at me, just a corner eye glance as I passed. Someone on another group mentioned that same look of basically guilt, and it was all over her face.

Recently the internet gifted me with articles about ASPD & Narcissism in one weekend, and that in turn has led me here. It was as if my good Karma for starting a meditation class had begun to pay off. I'm finally getting answers and understanding, which I very important to an anxiety riddled over-thinker.

I'm now utterly convinced she's mild BPD rather than ASPD or NPD, I understand she could be Cluster B. I never saw any extreme traits of flying off the handle, suicide threats, tears, violence, but I can't believe how many traits she has that are similar to what's been said on here.

She only told me she loved me a few times because she was always quiet and reserved, and it didn't feel natural. I showed her some lyrics to a song I wrote that had Love in the title and she came back with "I can never feel love either". Missed that one didn't ? I guess not all traits fit all people, she could be just a selfish self centered coldhearted callous woman. She defo has Daddy issues as he wasn't around, and she didn't speak highly of her Mother either.

I'm truly gutted because I fell for a construct that didn't exists. And I also realise now she'd mirrored my feelings, so in a way I had my own love projected back at me. She's not super hot but she's super cute, a short hippy chick right up my alley. She just has SOMETHING. I guess I'm gonna have to block her soon after speaking to FI who doesn't know she's blocked her.

I'm a hell of a lot better than what I was now I have some answers but I do struggle during my low points. She's still very much in my head from dawn til dust and because I work on my own it's difficult to stop overthinking about her and all the other pointless crap I struggle with. I've actually planned an album of songs of this event to try and help with my therapy, because I feel nothing but positivity when doing my music. This message alone had originally taken me nearly 5hrs on & off to compose.

A massive part of me wants to go and see her, tell her I understand, hug her & forgive her, but I think that's a complete waste of my time & effort. She'll never change. I hate upset and fall outs, and I think I do still have feelings for her, granted they are the false version of her so I need to keep on reminding myself of that.

Such a shame I fell for the wrong person but we don't wear our personality around around necks.

If anyone has any advice for me going forward that would be great, because some days are a struggle but some are easy. I've gone through The five stages of Detachment and on most days feel I'm on stage 4, but then my brain chemistry dips from too much alcohol or my anxiety kicks in and I'm back to stage 1 feeling worthless and hurt. It doesn't help that I'm quite softhearted too.

I guess talking about it just keeps the fire alive but I'm slowly coming to the end of this chapter, and if I've helped anyone even a little with my story than happy days. I'm actually turning this negative around and will be working on an album of songs about this, my studio work makes me really happy so if I can get happiness from this then that's surely a good thing?

All The Best for 2018. Love & Light.

[Mutt]

Hi Truthseeker12,

I'm now utterly convinced she's mild BPD rather than ASPD or NPD, I understand she could be Cluster B. I never saw any extreme traits of flying off the handle, suicide threats, tears, violence, but I can't believe how many traits she has that are similar to what's been said on here.

You’ll see an overall theme, what I mean is you’ll be able to relate to other members stories but each person that we talk about      is a different person. You spoke of traits, BPD is also a spectrum disorder, often there’s an underlying clinical depression they could have comorbid mental illnesses.

Maybe she has a couple of traits maybe she has life. You’re probably trying to decipher the experience that you had, you might be asking yourself often if she’s BPD. We look at traits, we can’t diagnose, only a professional can do that. If you talk to a professional they won’t diagnose of the person is not there.

My advice is that you have an advantage for now if she’s not bothering you. It adds ti your anxiety if she were to constantly try to contact you when you’re trying to detach from her.

Use this time wisely, I’d stay away from drugs and alcohol, I just think that it masks the pain instead of processing it. It’s better to go through the pain rather than around it. Do you have a T? ( therapist ) 

Talking helps, share with us here people that get you because we’ve gone through similar situations. Taking care of yourself is really important for example stress will be more tolerable. I have anxiety like you I can relate to feeling anxiety throughout the day at times it can become more difficult to function because the symptoms flair up. That depends on how I feel sometimes, if I wasn’t medicated and not care of myself I’d be a 9 on scale of ten and now I’m at around 3.

A gym routine can help some people by reducing the symptoms for depression and anxiety symptoms over time. It can’t eradicate it completely, there’s no cure for it but there things that you can do for yourself to greatly improve your quality of life. Also are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating enough?  Take really good care of yourself.

[Truthseeker12]

You’ll see an overall theme, what I mean is you’ll be able to relate to other members stories but each person that we talk about is a different person. You spoke of traits, BPD is also a spectrum disorder, often there’s an underlying clinical depression they could have comorbid mental illnesses.

Take really good care of yourself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the reply Mutt, it means a lot

Today I'm struggling a little. But no more than any other day if I'm honest. At least I can function of an everyday level, that's one thing I did realise this morning, I'm not curled up in a ball rocking, I'm determined to turn this event into a positive thing.

One of my main issues is I work on my own at work, and I mean, as in I'm the only person here from 7-3. I do see some people that distract me but my overthinking & anxiety issues for some reason won't allow me to think of anything else unless I'm really focused on something like my music. It's the overthinking that's killing me. I'm trying to channel the overthinking into other things but it's just not changing.

I'm literally haunted by her from the moment I open my eyes until I go to bed. My thought processes always seem to involve her, everything from making a cup of tea to what I'm doing tonight etc. I try and distract myself and refocus but then I'm back there, just like I am now. It really does feel as if I'll never be able to remove her from my head and tbh I want her gone forever. But it IS getting better as every month passes. Slowly. Oh so very slowly.

I know we can't diagnose but looking back on the realize, devalue and dump it's clear as day to me, unless of course she's very very immature. She 40 years old. Too many things fall into place what with everything I understand about her lifestyle. If only I'd had an inkling of what was to come I would have had my guard up more, but I gave her my heart and soul and she just drained them and smashed them to bits.

And she's getting on as if our time never happened, that's REALLY frustrating. An adult conversation would be nice but she's ghosted me and painted me black, which is probably the hardest bit because I very very much doubt I'd go back into the relationship now anyway.

I'm very softnatured, I hate conflict and drama. I like to get on with people. I've also had a lot of personal changes to contend with since 2015. I've lost 5st in weight, cut down on my drinking, stopped the heavy illegals and I do feel like a different person, but much much less confident. Cocaine is a helluva drug but you don't realise what it does to you until you step out of the whirlwind. I've also quit my band after 10 years because it was giving me anxiety which in turn makes me worry about money next year. I won't bore you with the job I'm in that has never given me a payrise in the 7 years I've done it. And I am desperately trying to find another but to no avail.

Once I get home from work I'm not so bad but she is still there. I'm in no way looking to reconcile so you're correct, I'm lucky in that respect. But bare in mind she said " I don't go back with my EXs " and as far as I'm aware there's only been me, her last of 10 years and a guy before that who's apparently deceased. As I've mentioned I will be blocking her from FB in the New Year once I've spoke to my friend who told me all about her history of one night stands, impulsive kissing of men & women and the bloke on the side. I don't want or need that trauma in my life but I do want someone who is like me and I thought she was, but all she did was hold a mirror up to my soul and fed me back what I gave her, and one bored and full she dropped me when this Charley guy came suddenly back on the scene. I also seem to find myself torn between forgiveness and absolutely hating her guts. She posted on FB last night " Just be nice " which flipped me a bit. Nothing nice about this whatsoever. Maybe that's why I'm a bit pee'd off today ?

I only drink once-twice a week and will be doing Dry January, but I hardly drink over Xmas like everyone else does nowadays. I smoke a little weed and it doesn't spin me into negativity, 10 pint benders do and I'm trying my hardest to stop those, but on the plus side I can't afford to drink everyday.  I can't afford a therapist but I'm due to go for CBT for my anxiety again like I did last Jan.

I guess my main problem is I'm still adapting to being on my own again. I had a 5 year relationship and she lived with me for 3 of those, but that got stifling by the end and I wanted freedom. Now I've got too much freedom. I was given this illusion of a perfect relationship and got sucked into it, and now I guess it's just part of the recovery process. I'm more shocked though as to the amount of damage it has done more than anything. I should be able to just shrug it off, say a f**k it and move on, but it's still nagging me for some reason and I don't know why? I UNDERSTAND but can't ACCEPT seems to be my main train of thought.

I'm not a work out kinda guy but I do like walking, but it's too cold and dark for that in Winter. The only solid night of sleep I get is after my reflexology on a Friday, 6 nights of the week I wake up at leas once every few hours. And getting up 6am is a pain, and I'm pretty sure I'm a SAD sufferer. I watch my calories but eat a lot of food high in Tryptophan to boost my serotonin levels. I'm convinced that my years of Ecstasy use in the early '00s will have depleted my reserves.

There's a lot of factors to take into consideration, and I'm sorry for going off topic.

I've already made plans for Jan-Mar and I hope I by then come on here and tell people I'm much much better. I will be checking in though occasionally.

Thanks again, Love & Light & take care

[Lost-love-mind]

Truthseeker12
Your story is my exact story with my exBPD. Almost the same facts:
1.she is 40 plus and acts like a teenager.
2. 6am texts and continuous Luvy duvy textsall day into the night.
3. Great intimacy sessions, then all of sudden, "I'm tired".
4. The abrupt turnaround of personality. unknown if I was being replaced, but she had taken a new job 2 weeks before and mentioned stalkers already at work.
5. The post breakup drugs/alcohol and loss of weight.

Now here are a couple of ironic twists:
Both of her exhusbands were musicians that were part of a 90s underground goth nightclub that was known for its debauchery, including bondage night.
 I assume from her social media and theirs, that is where they met. In essence a Goth music groupie.
My exBPD has the weirdest macabre theme tattoos e.g. bats, skulls, bugs.
My Point of this ironic twist? If you want to repeat your recent experience, come to the United States and I can introduce you to the most gorgeous blonde with the greatest blue eyes. Of course that's a joke.
Take your time to heal.
What is it with musicians ? Lol

[Truthseeker12]

Truthseeker12
Your story is my exact story with my exBPD. Almost the same facts:
1.she is 40 plus and acts like a teenager.
2. 6am texts and continuous Luvy duvy texts all day into the night.
3. Great intimacy sessions, then all of sudden, "I'm tired".
4. The abrupt turnaround of personality. unknown if I was being replaced, but she had taken a new job 2 weeks before and mentioned stalkers already at work.
5. The post breakup drugs/alcohol and loss of weight.

Now here are a couple of ironic twists:
Both of her exhusbands were musicians that were part of a 90s underground goth nightclub that was known for its debauchery, including bondage night.
 I assume from her social media and theirs, that is where they met. In essence a Goth music groupie.
My exBPD has the weirdest macabre theme tattoos e.g. bats, skulls, bugs.
My Point of this ironic twist? If you want to repeat your recent experience, come to the United States and I can introduce you to the most gorgeous blonde with the greatest blue eyes. Of course that's a joke.
Take your time to heal.
What is it with musicians ? Lol

Cheers for the reply fella.

1. Yes, she's 40 and just joined Skating club, she's just done some part of it and is pictured with girls half her age
2. Yes, from 6am til bedtime they were relentless. Loads of soul mate memes.
3. I got the "I'm tired" on our last night at mine. She's got a sleeping disorder so I didn't think anything of it but it was more the way she did it and said it, like she literally pulled the shutters down and they never came back up.
4. She's gone for a promotion at work which I guess will lead to fresh supply now she sucked my soul dry.
5. No drugs for her but I think she may have lost weight due to the skating. I haven't been close enough to see her and she only posts face only selfies on FB, the last one being before a night out probably for an ego boost.

She's never been married nor has kids (what a scoop for a 40 yer old to be entwined but think about it, no ties = total freedom) her EX played guitar and was a big Nirvana fan, but as I said before he was a proper weirdo and still is.
She's also got tattoos, and got a Buddhist phrase done while we were together. She certainly doesn't practice the 6 perfections with me now haha.

Thanks for the offer but I might be best off steering clear of Hippy/Goth/Alt chicks from now on.

Problem is though, where I live is in the middle of nowhere, and being an introvert with no money I hardly socialize, I can count on one hand the people I see every week in friends and family.

And yes us musicians are quite a catch, although I'm nothing like what a Lead Guitarist would be classed as, but I do hold a lot of traits that Hendrix did in being quiet & humble, I never brag about myself and doubt every single thing I write or play and have very little confidence in my playing although I've done it for nearly 30 yrs.

Take Care mate

[Lost-love-mind]

TS12
IM GLAD you saw the humor and twist.
No children? Same as my exBPD.
I would like to hear from some of the experts as to the traits of excessive texting. In My early days on this board one of the moderator said that it was due to the possibility that she was an introvert and that was an easier way to communicate. We rarely talked on the telephone and when we did I had to carry the conversation. Yet, at the time of The Break-Up she accused me of being a narcissist and then it was all about me. Since that time I'm sought therapy and have discovered that the narcissism is a defense mechanism for my own borderline personality disorder resulting from my abandonment as a child when my father died at age 10 and my mother was a recluse there after.
My point? Get some support anyway you can.
Your isolation only keeps you living inside your head. Not a safe place. While I live in a avg. Sized Midwest city, I tend to isolate too much myself. Not good. I wish I could get a hint of your music. Email me privately any of your soundcloud, etc.
The experience with my exBPD was a ride of eclectic musical selections. I still listen to the commercial free nonprofit radion station she introduced me to.
See, it was not all bad, except at the end with post breakup NC.

I learned about Non_GMO food, danger of fluoride in water and chemtrails. She was a complete introvert and into government conspiracy theories. Alluring in looks and aloof in personality.
Sure you don't want to visit the USA and meet her? Lol.
Take care, my new friend.

P.S. what was the food ingredients you eat now to counter the lack of serotonin from drugs use? I need to research from my own past.