Hi Everyone, 1st post here.
Just wanted to say to everyone on here a massive THANK YOU for this site & information. I'm so pleased to have stumbled on this because I've been struggling with my sudden dumping. Here's my version to add to the already littered pathways of broken hearts and hopefully you can offer some advice.
I'm 4 months out of a brief relationship with a local girl who I've know in the background for quite a while.
Back in May '15, she kissed me in the local boozer when I was full of drink & illegal narcs, her then BF walked in the pub, stared at her and proceeded to walk back out, so we went back to mine but never went to 3rd base and just stayed at heavy petting. I was on the way out of my relationship and that ended that year too. I saw her not long after that in the street, I apologized and she did too, but we then got talking on Messenger and she told me she regularly kisses people while out drinking. Possibly impulsive risky behaviour / thrill seeking? Anyway, no contact was forthcoming except the odd like & comment on FB.
She then split from her BF of 10 years Sept '16 and I started to get feelings for her around this time last year, which in turn snowballed after she broken her wrist while out on an Xmas party,and after I had a drink and a smoke one night in May '17, I finally got the (Dutch) courage up and asked her if she'd like a drink together at her house on her territory. She only lives down the street away from me, literally 2 mins away unfortunate as that is now.
Anyway, things picked up quickly but I class myself as an old skool guy who respects women so we didn't have sex until after a month of dating. She said "she didn't want to be bothered all the time" so we arranged to meet 2-3 times a week. I bought her roses & a t-shirt for her 40th, she was beaming and I was too. Like all my Xmas' had come at once. Jackpot lucky was a reoccurring phrase.
I would wake up everyday to a " Morning " message
6am, and she'd proceed throughout the day to message me relentlessly right up til bedtime, which was sometimes overwhelming but nice, seeing as I'd been single for 19 months. During this time she absolutely convinced me we were soul mates, although tbf she never made any plans for marriage etc and kept things at this level. I was busy too working on my projects so I was happy with this setup.
She did state she liked sex (don't we all though but? ), is very comfortable being naked (Ermmm, OK?), had rules for oral (which was a bit bizarre imo), told me "she liked the taste of that" after I'd kissed her after given her oral (again bizarre but one of may red flags I may have missed) and proceeded to mirror a lot of my actions and tastes in music and TV. She was always a bit moody and stubborn and could be abrupt but I never thought anything of it. She did once tell me very strongly "You'd better not mess me around mind or you'll be gone"
Anyway, in the July she started to speak of a character called "Charley" who'd pop round to watch a favourite show of hers at that time that I didn't like. I didn't think anything of it, what with me being a very trustworthy, kind & compassionate soul, as well as busy with my studio projects. Nothing wrong with having male friends pop round I thought...
At the end of August, I requested we change our plans one weekend to which she agreed without fuss, and we had a great Saturday night together, just like it had been all those previous Saturdays we'd had when I wasn't busy...
Suddenly, she pulls the shutters down, announces she's tired, so we go off to bed
Midnight. 6am next morning, she's frantically getting dressed, making the excuse to let her old dog out as he'll need the toilet. I get a message a few hours later saying "I feel like I don't have time to do anything anymore, I feel off kilter" to which I replied "well I won't see you for a few days next week but I'll pop down tonight and you're away on holiday soon and I'm busy next weekend". Later that evening, she'd just done her first new Sport hobby practice and when I asked what time she wanted me to pop down she said "Oh I'm not very good company or bed fellow tonight" Another red flag missed?
From that day, the messages from her stopped in an instant so I had to message her, thus changing the dynamic of the conversation. She made me feel like I was hassling her when I asked her what was wrong, is everything OK and why she wasn't speaking to me much.
That week, our date night was cancelled because Charley was working on the night he'd normally be landing, so I got pushed aside and received nothing from her in over 6 hours. Due to me being a overthinking analytical Virgo with anxiety issues, I knew there was a rabbit off somewhere. My gut told me.
Our last date together the night after was spent with her sat about a foot away from me, no closeness, nothing. She was often silent at the best of times but this was different. I asked her, " So now G.O.T is finished, what you gonna do on Monday?" Her reply - " I'm going out for tea with Charley", to which I replied, " we've never had tea together do you think we'll ever go out? " "Maybe" was her reply. As we went to bed she got undressed and turned on her side, no goodnight kiss or anything. I said " I just need some reassurance that we're OK" to which I got an abrupt " stop yer whinging" and turned the light off.
The next day I was as good as ignored again, so I confronted her after work, she said " I just need my holiday, I'll be fine when I get back", I asked if she wanted to end it and she said no, she gave me a hug & a kiss and told me to come down at the end of the week.
Totally ignored on Friday. By this time my anxiety was off the chart. Saturday the short one word messages I received had no emotions next to them, and then on Sunday it was over, although she didn't actual say those words " it's over", she just changed her FB relationship status to single. Remember, she's 40 years old, it was the kind of thing a 15 yr old would do.
"It's not you it's me" " you've done nothing wrong" "I thought I was ready but my EX has damaged me" " i'm not going to say in a relationship if I'm not happy" yet the week before she'd tseen my mate FI and was all smiles and beaming with happiness. Then she got a quite abrupt and accused me of being overbearing and said "well I'm bound to retract if you're constantly messaging me". 9 days before my birthday too.
3 days later she dumped a bag full of my stuff from hers at my gate and went on holiday.When she came back I went to see her to organise my originally planned birthday trip to London and I asked her 2 simple questions
"What was the catalyst for you to just change so quickly" and I got a nothing reply, and when I asked if she saw me in her future life I got a pretty callous " No, not at all, I don't go back with my EXs, did it once and never again" Wowzers. Who the was this person in front of me? She used to have such a lovely smile when I walked through the door, now it was just emotionless, she used to call it resting ___ face. I was so looking forward to spending Xmas with her. I guess that's why I'm so anxious all the time, because I live in the future most of the time and not the now. I asked her for a hug before I left and she clung onto me for dear life and wouldn't let go, and the look on her face when I left was awful, she just looked broken, like I'd dumped her.
We went to London together to an exhibition and on the way down she told me of a dream she had where I kidnapped her and force her to marry me. I'd also lost a stone/14lbs by this point. The day was difficult, and I tried my hardest to be friendly and courteous but it was as if I was utterly abhorrent.
On the way home she literally turned her back on me on the train and made an excuse to make her own way back, claiming to be gong for a drink with a work colleague. Like a sap I gave her a hug that she again clung onto for as long as possible, I told her I loved her to which she replied " I know" and she briskly walked away.
I proceeded to have an anxiety & stress related breakdown due to this and having problems with my projects, work, smoking too much weed to get to sleep. My world collapsed inwards. I seriously thought I'd lost my mind. The worst feeling I've ever had.
In October, a mutual friend FI messaged me and told me all about her & her relationship with her EX. FI said she couldn't see me suffer any longer and that I had to know the truth about her "free spirit" lifestyle.
Allegedly, they apparently had an open relationship and were were swingers, although her EX told me when he said that she'd say " well you can move out because I'm not" and proceeded to sleep all and sundry. They also allegedly had a 3 way with a female friend of mine but this seems to be the only example & often talked about of this behaviour known so it could of been just a one off. He'd actually told me this but due to him being a complete freak I didn't believe him. FI told me of her numerous one night stands and confirmed the impulsive kissing of blokes (me obviously, as well as trying to kiss FI several times on a night out) as well as having a f*ckbuddy who'd pop round while her then BF was out at the weekend (no prizes to work out who that was? yes, Charley) Not one for monogamy apparently.
Curiosity got the better of me, and I spoke to her EX who told me this Charley character had been coming and going for over 10 years as well as a few other bits of info. One thing he did say was " you'll never tame her, and she'll play on your depression and anxiety and you'll never know who she's talking to" and she was ALWAYS on her phone and still is. On our London trip she never took it from her hand and hid it away from me a few times if I was near to or behind her, yet other times she'd open be using it. I could go on FB Messenger now and I dare bet she's active on it. Probably lining up another NS.
I even managed to get her "best mate" (sees her once a blue moon, total airhead) to confirm this Charley character who apparently " turns up when she's happy and has a weird hold over her". She even said "I can see you's getting back together next year but only if you want to, you were meant to be together", even though the EX said she'd never. Mental.
That very week I started taking anti depressants that totally screwed me over 4 days. Of course I asked her best friend to keep this between us but she blabbed anyway, next thing the EX is at mine ranting and raving saying " So I've been having an affair have I? And 3ways too? I can't believe you'd believe what that a-hole has said about me after everything I told you, I'm gonna get some legal advice " (Still waiting to hear that outcome)
I told her I'm not bothered, let me be, go have your fun. I made the grave error in my weakened mental state to say " Did the last 3 months not mean anything to you?" Her reply was " You're a great guy but it wasn't right" Mmm, interesting. If she meant that I'd put up with her having sex with random blokes as "not right" then you can bet your ass it's not.
I blurted out I had a 3rd source for all of this, and when she heard name FI after 5 minutes of ranting against her EX she couldn't get out fast enough. And she's ghosted me since but still has me on FB. Keeping me as an enemy trophy or as a charming technique for later even though she says she'll never come back?
She apparently started the smear campaign phase against me, saying I won't take no for an answer even though I've only driven by her house 3 times in 4 months. Her air headed best Friend that night actually messaged me to say I'd told her to f**k off, I'd really upset her and had heard my friends had been calling her a Psycho. Both are untrue. next day though, a lovely meme appeared that said "There's no better feeling for your soul than telling someone to f**k off"
I passed her in the street recently in the car and she couldn't bare to look at me, just a corner eye glance as I passed. Someone on another group mentioned that same look of basically guilt, and it was all over her face.
Recently the internet gifted me with articles about ASPD & Narcissism in one weekend, and that in turn has led me here. It was as if my good Karma for starting a meditation class had begun to pay off. I'm finally getting answers and understanding, which I very important to an anxiety riddled over-thinker.
I'm now utterly convinced she's mild BPD rather than ASPD or NPD, I understand she could be Cluster B. I never saw any extreme traits of flying off the handle, suicide threats, tears, violence, but I can't believe how many traits she has that are similar to what's been said on here.
She only told me she loved me a few times because she was always quiet and reserved, and it didn't feel natural. I showed her some lyrics to a song I wrote that had Love in the title and she came back with "I can never feel love either". Missed that one didn't ? I guess not all traits fit all people, she could be just a selfish self centered coldhearted callous woman. She defo has Daddy issues as he wasn't around, and she didn't speak highly of her Mother either.
I'm truly gutted because I fell for a construct that didn't exists. And I also realise now she'd mirrored my feelings, so in a way I had my own love projected back at me. She's not super hot but she's super cute, a short hippy chick right up my alley. She just has SOMETHING. I guess I'm gonna have to block her soon after speaking to FI who doesn't know she's blocked her.
I'm a hell of a lot better than what I was now I have some answers but I do struggle during my low points. She's still very much in my head from dawn til dust and because I work on my own it's difficult to stop overthinking about her and all the other pointless crap I struggle with. I've actually planned an album of songs of this event to try and help with my therapy, because I feel nothing but positivity when doing my music. This message alone had originally taken me nearly 5hrs on & off to compose.
A massive part of me wants to go and see her, tell her I understand, hug her & forgive her, but I think that's a complete waste of my time & effort. She'll never change. I hate upset and fall outs, and I think I do still have feelings for her, granted they are the false version of her so I need to keep on reminding myself of that.
Such a shame I fell for the wrong person but we don't wear our personality around around necks.
If anyone has any advice for me going forward that would be great, because some days are a struggle but some are easy. I've gone through The five stages of Detachment and on most days feel I'm on stage 4, but then my brain chemistry dips from too much alcohol or my anxiety kicks in and I'm back to stage 1 feeling worthless and hurt. It doesn't help that I'm quite softhearted too.
I guess talking about it just keeps the fire alive but I'm slowly coming to the end of this chapter, and if I've helped anyone even a little with my story than happy days. I'm actually turning this negative around and will be working on an album of songs about this, my studio work makes me really happy so if I can get happiness from this then that's surely a good thing?
All The Best for 2018. Love & Light.
