Reflections after 2017 - and how broken I am.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So this year is almost over. Apart from getting new, great job 2017 was without the doubt the worst year of my life - by far! And I had some ___ years before.

It's also over 6 months since I last saw my ExGF. 6 months since she started her new relationship.

I've been reading almost all of Your topics. Some of You gave up on love, dating etc. Some of You still miss Your BPD ex partners, even after years of NC. It makes me wonder... .Even tho I was the one that was "healthy" and she was suffering for Borderline, she was cutting herself, she had problems with emotions and all those things connected to BPD it looks like... .She's doing much better than me. I'm the one that ended up taking antidepressants. I'm the one still thinking about her EVERY ___ SECOND. I'm the one that needs website like this. And my ex? As far as I can tell - She's happy. She's deep into her new relationship. I know for a fact that this guy she's with, was not some kind of "big love" or any revelation. But aparently he didn't need to be. She just didn't want ME anymore.

So that's where we're at.

Me - healthy, with awesome job, my own apartment, no debts, no alcohol, no smoking... .But absolutely broken. Depressed. Still waiting for... .Something, anything.

She - diagnosed BPD, job she hates, renting apartment, partying, smoking, walking in circles... .But happy. Detached from me and the past 12 years we've known each other, maybe even in love with her new boyfriend. Not looking back.

Yep. Life sucks, life's not fair. Do these BPD ever reflect about what they did? I'm starting to think that some might. But not her. Our life together is done. She's not looking back. Things she said 6 months ago didn't matter. It was probably just for her own comfort. They stopped matter as soon as she decided to be with this new guy.

My friends, my family. All are saying that her RS won't last. That is was build on 12 years long relationship, that it she rushed into it without thinking. That it was driven by the emotions, fear and all those stuff that are multiplied by Borderline.

They are also saying that when (not if, but when - that's how sure they are it won't last) something will go south in her life she'll be searching for "safe haven". And because her entire life I was the only person that loved her unconditionally, she, by default, will want something from me. And I should be prepared for confrontation. Not a talk, not a "drink or coffe", but confrontation. Because I shouldn't allow her to get close to me ever again.

However... .I'm done with faith, karma and all that crap. I'm empty. The only feeling is pain. So no... .I don't belive I'll ever see her again. I'm certain that whatever she felt for me, this feeling is long gone. I'm now some irrelevant detail from her past. Day by day her memory of me is less and less vibrant. She already detached herself in any possible way. Blocked me, ignorned my friends, my mother etc.

So yeah... .That's me. Broken beyond repair. Even if I'll find strenght to give myself a chance with someone else I'll never be able to love someone SOO much and trust without hesitation. The hole she left inside me is not going to be filled.

I would love to belive that my mother and my friends are right. That her RS won't last. That I'll have my satisfaction from the fact that she will regret what she did. But again... .

... .I'm past beliving. I'm done. I've accepted the fact that healing won't ease this pain.

sorry for long post. I just had to write it down.

[Nero.]

So this year is almost over. Apart from getting new, great job 2017 was without the doubt the worst year of my life - by far! And I had some ___ years before.

It's also over 6 months since I last saw my ExGF. 6 months since she started her new relationship.

I've been reading almost all of Your topics. Some of You gave up on love, dating etc. Some of You still miss Your BPD ex partners, even after years of NC. It makes me wonder... .Even tho I was the one that was "healthy" and she was suffering for Borderline, she was cutting herself, she had problems with emotions and all those things connected to BPD it looks like... .She's doing much better than me. I'm the one that ended up taking antidepressants. I'm the one still thinking about her EVERY ___ SECOND. I'm the one that needs website like this. And my ex? As far as I can tell - She's happy. She's deep into her new relationship. I know for a fact that this guy she's with, was not some kind of "big love" or any revelation. But aparently he didn't need to be. She just didn't want ME anymore.

So that's where we're at.

Me - healthy, with awesome job, my own apartment, no debts, no alcohol, no smoking... .But absolutely broken. Depressed. Still waiting for... .Something, anything.

She - diagnosed BPD, job she hates, renting apartment, partying, smoking, walking in circles... .But happy. Detached from me and the past 12 years we've known each other, maybe even in love with her new boyfriend. Not looking back.

Yep. Life sucks, life's not fair. Do these BPD ever reflect about what they did? I'm starting to think that some might. But not her. Our life together is done. She's not looking back. Things she said 6 months ago didn't matter. It was probably just for her own comfort. They stopped matter as soon as she decided to be with this new guy.

My friends, my family. All are saying that her RS won't last. That is was build on 12 years long relationship, that it she rushed into it without thinking. That it was driven by the emotions, fear and all those stuff that are multiplied by Borderline.

They are also saying that when (not if, but when - that's how sure they are it won't last) something will go south in her life she'll be searching for "safe haven". And because her entire life I was the only person that loved her unconditionally, she, by default, will want something from me. And I should be prepared for confrontation. Not a talk, not a "drink or coffe", but confrontation. Because I shouldn't allow her to get close to me ever again.

However... .I'm done with faith, karma and all that crap. I'm empty. The only feeling is pain. So no... .I don't belive I'll ever see her again. I'm certain that whatever she felt for me, this feeling is long gone. I'm now some irrelevant detail from her past. Day by day her memory of me is less and less vibrant. She already detached herself in any possible way. Blocked me, ignorned my friends, my mother etc.

So yeah... .That's me. Broken beyond repair. Even if I'll find strenght to give myself a chance with someone else I'll never be able to love someone SOO much and trust without hesitation. The hole she left inside me is not going to be filled.

I would love to belive that my mother and my friends are right. That her RS won't last. That I'll have my satisfaction from the fact that she will regret what she did. But again... .

... .I'm past beliving. I'm done. I've accepted the fact that healing won't ease this pain.

sorry for long post. I just had to write it down.

[MeandThee29]

I hear you. Decades together, and here I am too. I'll never be the same. I'm working on embracing this season of life, as hard as that is, and putting away the longings for something that won't be.

We're in the family home, scraping by. I'm job hunting though because this isn't sustainable on what I make now, and summer is my deadline. We're cleaning out the house and giving things away because he's said that he wants the house sold and the proceeds divided if we divorce, and it's really bigger than we need anyway. I'm not moving though until the issue is pushed.

I'm healthy and have many more good days than bad now.

He's decided to be more open and friendly of late, and I'm being careful. It's good though after threats of cutting off or reducing the supplemental funds he's supplying. His health remains poor though. The list of things that could take him at any time is long.

Not where I planned to be in middle age, but hopefully 2018 will bring better days.

[valet]

Me - healthy, with awesome job, my own apartment, no debts, no alcohol, no smoking... .But absolutely broken. Depressed. Still waiting for... .Something, anything.

She - diagnosed BPD, job she hates, renting apartment, partying, smoking, walking in circles... .But happy. Detached from me and the past 12 years we've known each other, maybe even in love with her new boyfriend. Not looking back.

Yep. Life sucks, life's not fair.

Take a look at what you wrote here and try comparing the lifestyles. It seems that you've found stability and peace, at least on paper.

Her life looks to be the opposite. Partying, dislikes her job, smoking, in a new relationship (maybe too quickly?). This doesn't seem like a route to happiness. What do you think?

Spending time in a dysfunctional relationship can damage us emotionally. It can and does change our aspirations, especially when it comes to what we expect out of others. Normal and healthy things seem odd, while painful things stimulate us, drawing our attention away from thinking about what we really deserve.

Could it be that perhaps your past relationship with her wasn't one in sync with what you deserve from a partner?

[ynwa]

Hey There Nero.    Without a doubt I can see what your are feeling.  And its hard right?  I can see in your words, that you care.  Not just about her, but yourself too... .

But first.  You were with her right?  You guys had great moments and happiness, put it on Facebook and shared with friends right?   But how many times on those dark nights, did you post a picture? How many times when you were left by that emotional bulldozer were shared and got all the likes?

Zero.   So and believe me I understand its hard to take down that scorecard, you are free of a lot of things that take time to see and feel and more importantly BELIEVE.  However dynamic your relationship, right now is certainly boring and uneventful and painful.  It is a time to heal, rebuild, and move towards a lot of things.

But,  it will be slow, or fast, or short or long.  There is literally no set of instructions to move through this.

Do not try to push too hard, it will come.  Accept that it will take time.   

We all on this board, listen and understand.   Let it out,  every part of it.   

[Nero.]

Her life looks to be the opposite. Partying, dislikes her job, smoking, in a new relationship (maybe too quickly?). This doesn't seem like a route to happiness. What do you think?

Honestly? I feel like it doesn't matter what I think. I can try to see things from brighter perspective. Thinking that I've made progress in my life while she's still in the same spot she was year ago. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm broken, depressed, miserable. Christmas and New Year's Eve is coming and it's me who's going to be alone. She'll have great time with her boyfriend.

But first.  You were with her right?  You guys had great moments and happiness, put it on Facebook and shared with friends right?   But how many times on those dark nights, did you post a picture? How many times when you were left by that emotional bulldozer were shared and got all the likes?

Zero.   So and believe me I understand its hard to take down that scorecard, you are free of a lot of things that take time to see and feel and more importantly BELIEVE.  However dynamic your relationship, right now is certainly boring and uneventful and painful.  It is a time to heal, rebuild, and move towards a lot of things.

Aye. And I know that this apply to her new R/S. I might see only the best possible version, because I'm afraid, I'm worried that they will be together for years to come etc. but Facebook etc. only shows one side of life. So she might not be ass happy as I think she is. But it for every logical explanation I'm giving myself my brain is immediately pushing me into dark, depressing thoughts. What if she's happier than she ever was with me? I won't see her ever again! She no longer remembers me, if she did, she would reach out, they are going to start a family together, they will be happy and all that was between us will be just a foggy memory for her. And she buried me along with everything from her past. Including Borderline.

I would love to be better. But it's just not happening. It's been over six months and I haven't moved an inch. I'm in good shape, I have cool job, no debts, my own apartment etc. and yet in my head? Nothing changed. It's just pain. That's all there is.

[ynwa]

It's been over six months and I haven't moved an inch. I'm in good shape, I have cool job, no debts, my own apartment etc. and yet in my head? Nothing changed. It's just pain. That's all there is.

These are things to be proud of.  Your head is working on the last problem.  It's full of ideas and dreams.  A lot of them are going to be attached to your ex.  Thats a hard truth.  Disengaging and Detaching are a process.  It's hard at times, boring, lonely.  But give it time and patience. 

You have to respect at times that you DID go through a lot.  More than you should have in a healthy relationship, and even with the most "normal" of partners separating, there is a time of adjustment and change that is just not what we thought would be necessary.  We perhaps grow so used to the ups and downs, that "regular" life is just not as filling.   We have far less to deal with, and maybe filling those gaps is not easy.

I want to say again you are not broken.  Be easy with yourself Nero.  You have taken the responsibility and understanding for something that became too much.  And that is really OK.  You can do this... .

[In a bad way]

Nero,
I feel exactly like you and it's this time of year that's making it worse.
I'm actually worse off than you as in I haven't got a job and I'm stuck in a room at my parents house 24/7 4 or 5 days/nights a week.
I'm a virtual recluse, I go to the pub a couple of nights, I know most people in there.
I put on a brave face just before I walk in the door and hold it together 99% of the time which I couldn't do 10 months ago.
I've not seen or heard from my ex for 18 months by the way, nada, not a word.
So when I go in that pub I feel like an actor going on stage only now I do enjoy myself slightly but I know I'm not me.
I won't list or quote the things you written as it pretty much all applies to me.
I'd like if I could to go to sleep and wake up in a month when all these so called festivities are over.
I think part of the trouble aside from I miss her even though logically I shouldn't, is the fact that I did everything I could for her and her kids, and yes I did receive thanks sometimes but at the end of the day I was verbally and emotionally abused by the woman I loved and who claimed to love me.
However after months of frustration I eventually snapped and told her everything in a nasty way. It was what I had been trying to tell her in a nice way for a long time but it didn't sink in.
So all the good I did counted for nothing and after everything, all the abuse by her she is the one who made me cease to exist in her eyes.
And like you left me in a mess and feeling everything you do only my anxiety is bad as in it can take me a week to go to the shop.
So you are right it isn't fair, she caused all the problems and gave out all the abuse and then just leaves... .gone just like that, and I know I will never hear from her again.
It's Friday night and I always go out on a Friday whether I want to or not just to keep up the appearance. There are lyrics in a pink floyd song called "paranoid eyes" which is how I am when I go to the pub.
So take some comfort in knowing I feel like you so I do understand every word you wrote.

[valet]

Honestly? I feel like it doesn't matter what I think. I can try to see things from brighter perspective. Thinking that I've made progress in my life while she's still in the same spot she was year ago. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm broken, depressed, miserable. Christmas and New Year's Eve is coming and it's me who's going to be alone. She'll have great time with her boyfriend.

I'm sorry you feel that way about life. It's tough.

You do, however, have a choice in the direction your life moves. Your ex is not responsible for how you choose to react to a separation. I know that it hurts. All losses hurt, and some indeed are greater than others.

Why don't you try planning something for New Year's yourself? Meet up with friends, family, or just relax at home as a reward for all of the hard work you've been doing. Make it about you, instead of her. You totally can! You just have to try.

[Nero.]

So yeah, it's 2018 now. The toughest year in my life is behind me. But looking forward at 2018 i'm far from being optimistic. New years eve hit me hard. I couldn't stop thinking how me and her spend our new years together for the past 6 years... .And how now she's doing the same with this new guy. Midnight kiss, looking in each others eyes etc.
I can't escape those thoughts because not only I lost woman I love, I also lost a friend she was for me.

I broke and I looked at her new BF facebook (she blocked me so I can't look at hers) and I saw that he added my ex's sister and her boyfriend to the list. Which means that she's introducing him to the family. Add that to the fact that he was already friends with my ex's best friend and the result is clear... .It's no longer "rebound", it's a proper relationship. And it's moving forward fast.
She might started it out of fear of being alone, need of boosting her ego, and just to make her feel better but right now it's obvious that day by day it's getting more serious.

I talked to my sister and my friend about my whish for this upcoming year. That I want their relationship to end. Both my sis and my friend told me "Nero - think logical. Do You really think that 26 year old girl, diagnosed with borderline will be in the relationship that she build on top of ruins of 12 year old relation for the rest of her life?"
My sister also brought up the point, that the reason of my ex blocking me on social media (and on linkedin - which is just... .weird oO) is the fact that she might feel guilty, or if not guilty, she still feels something. Let it be hate if not anything positive. She said that if my ex would truly be indifferent towards me, she wouldn't care about me being blocked or not.

And I does make sense. Both those points. Why again, I would like them to break up? Not even because I have hopes for us being together again. But because replacing me seemed so easy for her, that I want just a proof that she overdone all this. That her master plan was not ass flawless as she thought it would be and it's not only me who lost someone special but she lost someone important too. On her own whish.

It's selfish. It's not "right". I know. I should be better than that. But I'm not.
So If You want to wish me anything... .Wish me so I can see her again. But this time, on my rules.


And I wish You all - Have a better year than 2017 and thank You for all the help that I received here.

[Bo123]

Nero--I'm almost a carbon copy of you, great things going for me and haven't moved an inch and this is after a 1.5 year break-up and now 1year plus of NC.  She has a bf, don't know how its working out but friends say he's a lot like me.  The BPD move on so quickly and w/o much thought while some of us despite our good lives have been torn apart so deeply, as for me I see no hope and have no motivation and I've done all the things I know of to get going again but that part of me left me when she did and I can't see them returning.  Best of luck, I know exactly how you're feeling.  6 months, you still got a chance, me, its been long enough to have a gut feeling that I'll never be the same.

[Bo123]

Nero--Tried to edit my previous post but it wouldn't let me.  I don't know how this break-up feels compared to other gf's but for me, this one was more painful than all my other break-ups combined, yet for the most part it was mild so what is it that made it so tough?  BPD, the no closure and cryptic messages for 1.5 years after, the not even being able to chat once in a while.  While others hurt I also feel like a broken man, in fact my sister, who really liked her said she can see that I'm a broken man, it just shows.  Hopefully you can snap out of it, something I have not been able to do.