After 2 months of silent treatment she texted..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

Yesterday at NYE my ex texted me after a period of 2 months silent treatment.
I didn't read it, i let my family delete the text but they said it was to say happy new year or something...
On all days she could have texted it had to be on the day which was our anniversary, i broke down...

We had a 3year relationship which ended brutally on the day when her family and I were set to leave on a sweet 2-week vacation on my birthday.
Day before she told me she was going to her best girlfriend and i just assumed everything was alright.
The next day/evening we were worried because she nobody knew where she was and not able to contact her.
In a rush i found her laptop and saw she was going to a random guy which she just met, my world collapsed...
The day after she came to me and told me I was narcissistic, i was the problem etc, you know the drill...
That relationship didnt last very long i heard and i assume she will have somebody else already.

5 weeks later and after only 1 psychologist appointment it was obvious for him to say she has BPD.
I read about every article online and books about it and it was like a puzzle which fit together.
From that day i stood by no-contact and i dealt with her parents about everything who are very supportive to me because now they also found out what is wrong with her (they are having a hard time themself)

Now the holidays are finally over, i want to focus on myself and grow as a person.
I've been to five appointments with my psychologist already which mainly was focused on borderline traits etc.
Still whenever i look to an old picture of us together i can't put those traits to her, it's like it's impossible she is THAT monster (i have 1 picture which i need to keep from my psych so i can start to learn to accept that she is gone).
From the moment i wake up i think of her and when i go to bed i still think of her...

I have to work on my own co-dependency and self-esteem because i don't want this to happen again to me. I see myself as a 'nice guy' who tries to please everyone but my own... I have difficulties doing/buying stuff, even thoughts without anybody else's opinion.
In these 2 months i found new hobbies to give me distractions like helping in the animal shelter and from tomorrow i will start with football.
She hardest moments are those silent moments whenever i'm at work or at home alone...
Any tips to get me going? What does it mean that she texted now, it feels like a backstab...

[zumie]

Hi everyone,

Yesterday at NYE my ex texted me after a period of 2 months silent treatment.
I didn't read it, i let my family delete the text but they said it was to say happy new year or something...
On all days she could have texted it had to be on the day which was our anniversary, i broke down...

We had a 3year relationship which ended brutally on the day when her family and I were set to leave on a sweet 2-week vacation on my birthday.
Day before she told me she was going to her best girlfriend and i just assumed everything was alright.
The next day/evening we were worried because she nobody knew where she was and not able to contact her.
In a rush i found her laptop and saw she was going to a random guy which she just met, my world collapsed...
The day after she came to me and told me I was narcissistic, i was the problem etc, you know the drill...
That relationship didnt last very long i heard and i assume she will have somebody else already.

5 weeks later and after only 1 psychologist appointment it was obvious for him to say she has BPD.
I read about every article online and books about it and it was like a puzzle which fit together.
From that day i stood by no-contact and i dealt with her parents about everything who are very supportive to me because now they also found out what is wrong with her (they are having a hard time themself)

Now the holidays are finally over, i want to focus on myself and grow as a person.
I've been to five appointments with my psychologist already which mainly was focused on borderline traits etc.
Still whenever i look to an old picture of us together i can't put those traits to her, it's like it's impossible she is THAT monster (i have 1 picture which i need to keep from my psych so i can start to learn to accept that she is gone).
From the moment i wake up i think of her and when i go to bed i still think of her...

I have to work on my own co-dependency and self-esteem because i don't want this to happen again to me. I see myself as a 'nice guy' who tries to please everyone but my own... I have difficulties doing/buying stuff, even thoughts without anybody else's opinion.
In these 2 months i found new hobbies to give me distractions like helping in the animal shelter and from tomorrow i will start with football.
She hardest moments are those silent moments whenever i'm at work or at home alone...
Any tips to get me going? What does it mean that she texted now, it feels like a backstab...

[Mutt]

Hi zumie,



I’m sorry that you’re going through this. A pwBPD have empathy deficiency, it doesn’t mean that a pwBPD don’t have empathy she certainly didn’t put herself in your shoes last night.

Still whenever i look to an old picture of us together i can't put those traits to her, it's like it's impossible she is THAT monster (i have 1 picture which i need to keep from my psych so i can start to learn to accept that she is gone).

You have the right idea with working towards the goal of acceptance. It takes time. I noticed that you said monster which would signify that you have a hard time believing that she’s all bad.

Please correct me if I’m off base, but she’s also not a saint or all good. She’s some where in between in the grey area and you see the following theme on the board - hanging unto hope that a pwBPD will perma-idealize the non.

Don’t forget about how she treated you, learn about the disorder and why she behaves the way that she does, learn to depersonalize the behaviours and become indifferent to them.

Write a list down if you find yourself stuck on the good times and online column right the good and on the other right the bad and let go of the hope that she’s going to return back to the person that you first met. I know that it’s not an easy task but if you’re stuck it will help you move forward if you’re not stuck then you won’t fall for that trap.

[zeus123]

Hi Zumie. I just wanted to applaud you and support you for maintaining NC, Keep going eventually you will come out stronger and wholesome. Just remember there is no benefits for your healing process to establish any sort of contact with your BPDex. Always delete delete delete. Do not hit the ball across the net because it only prolongs your pain. You are doing great!

[zumie]

I already made a list of all the behaviours and red flags from what i read online and from the book i got.
For the first few weeks i had it stuck to my fridge and every single day it expanded to the point i didn't even see her as a person anymore and got very scared of her...
In my head i only recall the good times, not the bad ones.
Eventhough in the relationship she betrayed me more than once and flirted online with a ton of people...

There are many things i would like to work on for myself, like being assertive and self-worth etc but don't know how to start.
I'm scared to make new friends who will try to take advantage of me, don't even talk about relationships because i'm smart enough i have to stay away from it for a while.
Thanks for your understanding, it's what I need the most at this moment.

[zumie]

The last 2 days i have anxiety/panic attacks again...
Whenever i'm in her town because of my work i freak out, get very anxious and scary.
I tried driving past where she lives/work just so i get used to it and i tried going around it, just to avoid i might see her again. Both don't work for me...

These feelings last for hours where I am both scared to see/hear from her and me wanting to hear from her aswell.
I don't know how to stop those feelings, it's killing me...

[Mutt]

Hi xumie,

I  completely understand how hard panic attacks are because I have panic disorder. I suggest to talk to an MD or GP an exercise routine can help significantly reduce the symptoms of anxiety over time lastly there’s an article that can help with anxiety here on the site. I’ll leave it here with you. Just a thought we overestimate our fears when we have a panic attack and underestimate our ability to cope with it.

Triggering, Mindfulness, and the WiseMind

PS Positive coping statements are also helpful    https://www.get.gg/positive.htm

[zumie]

Yeah i will talk with my psych about it next monday, yesterday it went better at least...
This morning I stood up and both on my cellphone and workphone, aswell as on my whatsapp. i got texts from her, all the same one i presume. I deleted all of em, ofc I saw the first line saying she had a nightmare that I was with somebody else...

At this point I just want her to be gone, but still scared that the next step from her will be that she will call me or be at my door one day...

[zumie]

I blocked her cellphone number at both of my phones, should have done it earlier tbh...

[Jeffree]

I was just about to suggest blocking her. Great job!

[Mutt]

scared that the next step from her will be that she will call me or be at my door one day...

Then don’t take the call or answer the door.