She ended up taking her own life

[Rokus226]

I lost my wife, my friend, my partner, my everything 4 months ago. She couldn't cope with a work related confrontation and ended up taking her own life. Now I live with her loss and the guilt of thinking what I could have done differently or better. Even though our relationship was very difficult I cannot come to grips with the reality of never seeing her again. I am paralyzed by the silence, the emptiness, the loss. We lived in a small town in an area that had little or no qualified DBT specialists and also had zero support groups. I wish, I wish, I wish, but nothing will bring her back. I would like tp dedicate my days as some kind of support entity for those who are struggling with their relationship with their loved one affected by BPD. I hope that it would help someone else as much as I need the support and understanding. I am looking for a support group.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Rokus226, I am very sorry for your loss.

There was suicide in my relationship, too. My gf ex-husband killed himself about two years in. I know this was nothing like what you have experienced, but it rocked my world for years. I can't imagine the feeling you must be experiencing.

Would you like to tell us about your relationship or how you feel?

We are here for you.

Skip

[toomanydogs]

I'm so sorry, Rokus. What a dreadful loss. Does it help to write about the relationship and share her with other people here on these boards?
TMD

[hope2727]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I totally relate to your words of losing your best friend and love. These relationships are complicated. We all do the best we can with the tools we have in the given moment. You too did the best you could. There is no way to unring a bell so to speak. I admire that now you are trying to contribute to the journey of others. I hope that contributing brings you some peace.

[Chynna]

Dear Rokus226, I am so very truly sorry for your loss. Please take care... .If it feels right we are here to share... .

[Mutt]

Im sorry for your loss.

[RolandOfEld]

Rokkus226 I am so deeply sorry for your loss and your pain. I truly hope you can find what you need here to help you get through this.

[DaddyBear77]

Rokus226, I am so sorry. I wish I could say something that would ease the pain you are feeling right now. So many of us here describe how we watch our loved one struggle with suicidal ideation, attempts, hospitalizations. I believe we all live in terrified fear that one day they will follow through, and for you that fear came true. I am so sorry. I wish I had more words, but I don't. Only tears and thoughts and our collective offer of emotional support.

I would like tp dedicate my days as some kind of support entity for those who are struggling with their relationship with their loved one affected by BPD. I hope that it would help someone else as much as I need the support and understanding. I am looking for a support group.

Please join us. Share with us what you're experiencing, and what you have experienced. Talk with each of us as we struggle and maybe we can help each other navigate this maze of emotions and love and pain and turmoil. I hope you'll stay and find one that one of your support groups can be a "virtual" one here on bpdfamily.

  ~DaddyBear

[Turkish]

This is a devastating loss, Rokus226. It's understandable that you want to support others to avoid such tragedy (and this is one place to reach out to others who may be similarly struggling). What support do you have in your life right now? Is any other family feeling the pain and loss?

Turkish

[Tattered Heart]

I am so so sorry for your loss Rokus226. I think it's so brave of you to reach out and use your pain and hurt to help others. Grief is a very difficult process and takes quite awhile. Channeling into something positive could be catharsis for you.

How long were you together? Do you have children?

[Notwendy]

Rokus - I am sorry for your loss. This is devastating and there really are no words that come near a consolation for this.

When I was a child, my BPD mother attempted suicide. I have no real recollection of it- although other relatives confirmed it happened. We kids were sent off to stay with a relative. When we returned, my parents acted as if nothing happened, we were just sent to visit and there was no discussion about it.

As a teen, I became more aware that my mother threatened it more than one time.I can not imagine the fear my father must have lived with. I know we feared it too, but eventually came to realize something:

It has nothing to do with anyone else. Not you, not my father, not the kids, not the people at work. BPD is a serious mental condition and it is difficult to intervene.

Guilt over a loss is tough. I certainly experienced that when my father passed away. He died of natural causes but the dynamics in my family were difficult. I thought of all the things I could have done to make things different in my own BPD influenced family. Eventually I had to recognize that I do not have the ability to rescue someone from their own decisions no matter how much I want to or try. I could offer all the love and care and concern I have, but if that person can't receive it, or rejects it, there is nothing else I can do. I was powerless to influence my parents no matter how much I loved them.

I needed to forgive myself for not being able to do the impossible.

I would like to tell you something from the heart. I am glad you reached out for support and while it is noble to dedicate yourself to helping people dealing with BPD, being in a state of grief is the time to take care of yourself for now. In the future there can be a time, but not now.

Take care of yourself. Seek support here and from counseling or a support group face to face as well. You will feel what you feel- and you should, but guilt and regret for not doing what you could not do in the first place will not serve you in the long run. Take this one day at a time. Find a way to love and forgive yourself. We can't nourish others emotionally if we have an emotionally empty cup. Finding a way to fill yours - and you will in time- will help you to help others learn to fill theirs too.

Take care of yourself please.

[Jeffree]

Rokus, so sorry for your loss. You've come to a great place to receive support and to help others.

I am curious about the details of this work confrontation that seemed to set her off. When you are able, can you fill in some blanks on that?

Thanks!

J

[heartandwhole]

Rokus226, I am so sorry. 

We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Lalathegreat]

Adding my thoughts for you during this devastating time. 

Lala

[livednlearned]

Rokus,

A father of a BPD child said that the psychiatrist who diagnosed his daughter described BPD as a potentially life-threatening illness  

I'm so sorry your wife took her life. She was fortunate that you loved her, and that you did what you could.

Those of us who love someone with BPD understand, and are here to walk with you in your grief.

You're not alone.

LnL

[2bright]

Rokus,

Thank you for posting about your experience. I think I understand the overwhelming urge you must have to help someone in some way; any way; no matter how big or small. You probably just want to do something to feel like you can make a positive difference in this upside down world you find yourself in. The one person in the world you wanted to help more than anything is gone and what is left is this relentless desire to help someone!

You succeeded! You helped me feel like I'm not so alone.

I came to these boards a few months ago, but it was probably too soon. I also felt out of place because all I saw was talk of how to deal with a person with BPD, how to set boundaries, how to get support for yourself to help you cope, etc... .I didn't look terribly hard but I did not see discussions about suicide. I felt like sharing my story may be too upsetting for people and may cause more trauma and confusion for those already struggling.

The reason I think I know how you feel is because I am in a similar situation to you. My wife of nearly 21 years and mother to my 17 yr old daughter took her life this past July. This action was prompted by my daughter and I moving out of our house at the beginning of May. I did not know until her final action that she was sick. I knew our relationship was not healthy, but I was not convinced that the problem was not me. My wife was the popular one, the bubbly one, the one that everyone loved. How could she have a problem? Our leaving did finally prompt her to see a therapist (she refused earlier in the year) and I found out posthumously that she likely suffered from BPD. After researching the disorder I certainly see many parallels and can't help wondering what might have been if only I had known.

Like you I feel this need to help people and feel like my life has meaning. Some will tell you to focus on helping yourself first, but I know that helping someone else makes me feel better as well. I first wanted to help with suicide prevention, then family members of those with BPD, then with grief related to those left behind by suicide. I had a difficult time with any of these, but I did find a way to help families at Christmas who were having financial difficulties. Helping them provide presents for their children helped some with my need to make a difference. I plan to do more in the coming months for non-Christmas related needs. If you are interested, try going to the website 2hands.org and see if anything jumps out at you.

As far as helping others here, I think the best thing we can do is share our stories. I was told that the best way for me to grieve was to tell my story until I got tired of hearing it. Although I'm an introvert by nature and wanted to curl up in a ball, I made myself visit many neighbors and friends who loved my wife and were completely shocked by what happened. This was hard for me at first but every experience was positive and truly did help me heal (to the extent that I have).

Maybe this thread could be turned into a place where people can share about loved ones who committed suicide or for those afraid of that possibility.

Can you tell us about your wife? I have a feeling she was likely similar to mine in that she gave me the best years of my life and also the very worst.

Take care and thanks again for your courage to share your story.

[SunandMoon]

Dear Rokus
I just wanted to add my condolences here. That is so sad and must be so painful for you. I hope that sharing here helps a little bit 

Dear 2bright - thank you for having the courage to share your story too. 17 years is a long time and you must feel the loss terribly   

I'm glad you have found a way to turn your heart break into helping others... .that's a beautiful tribute to your wife

[Notwendy]

I agree that helping others is healing too.

What I mean when I say "take care of you" is in the immediate time of grief. It isn't good to be completely self centered for long, but after my father passed away, there were days I was still in pajamas at 3 pm. Not like me at all. I cried constantly and sometimes out of nowhere. I don't think I was in a position to be of much help to anyone at this time, although I was glad my kids were home from school- taking care of them helped me focus on them for a bit, but I also know that they didn't get my best during that time.

Helping others is admirable and helpful- but everything in its time.