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Author Topic: Struggling with sibling who has BPD  (Read 534 times)
strength_love

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« on: January 21, 2018, 02:20:15 PM »

Hello.

I have a sibling with BPD. She has been formally diagnosed and for a while seemed to embrace the diagnosis and seek out treatment (she was on a wait list for DBT), but more recently she's become convinced that it's complex PTSD rather than BPD and has abandoned all efforts to get DBT and other BPD related therapy, so never did actually address the BPD or build any accountability around her behavior. The complex PTSD diagnosis seems a more sympathetic, less stigmatized one that frees her from having to address her BPD.

Trying to have a relationship with her has been very difficult. I often wonder if it is healthy or safe for me to continue. Some of her behavior is very damaging to me emotionally and psychologically. I feel like I am being forced to make an impossible choice: continue to stay connected with someone who is severely abusive to me, or lose the one family member I still have, who I love very much.

I have worked hard on trying to manage my relationship in such a way as to minimize the behavior triggers, etc. and that has helped somewhat, and I try to speak up calmly and firmly when lines are crossed, but I find that I'm having mixed results. She seems to readily pick up on any tactics I try to use, and when she does she turns against me or attacks me. It's as though she has a 6th sense for anything I might be doing to try to hold my power in the relationship (rather than surrendering my power to her). When she senses any power or control slipping away from her she becomes extremely volatile.

Worst of all, she frequently tries to gaslight me about her behavior, my behavior, events that have happened in the past, conversations we've had - you name it. It's gotten so bad that I've sometimes had to rely on my personal journals (I write daily) to remind me of what really happened so that I don't feel like I'm going crazy.

The most painful and frankly scary thing she does is she claims my memories and experiences as her own. Things that have happened to me in the past of that I have discussed with her or others, she will claim happened to her. When I gently point out that "it's not how I remember the event" she will modify the story to claim it happened to both of us. It's so bad that at times it's made me question my own memory of events that I know for a fact she was not a part of.

She doesn't just do this to me, she does this in conversation with others, to the point where she's socially claiming my experiences as her own. For just one example, I recently saw a Facebook conversation she was having with someone where she was giving a detailed, emotional account of an experience she claimed to have had but the thing is - it was an experience I had, that I'd told her about. She was telling it to these people exactly as I'd told it to her.

This is complicated by the fact that she now lives in the city where I spent most of my adult years, and I have left there. She is now friends with many of the people I used to be close with, and in many ways has taken over my old social life. I would be perfectly fine with that - I want her to thrive socially - but it's weird to have events and experiences of mine relayed to my old friends as though they were her experiences. If I reconnect with old friends, it puts me in the position of seeming like I'm the one claiming her experiences. I cannot easily straighten out the situation because I don't want to give personal information about her BPD to people I know she is social with.

It's very messed up. I am on the brink of just cutting my losses and trying to move forward without her in my life. I have tried doing this before and succeeded in staying no-contact with her for 6 months, but she contacted me again and I gave in.

At first things seemed totally transformed and she was like a completely different person. She seemed to be more accountable, more balanced, less volatile. She didn't do any of the abusive things that had made me choose to disconnect from her. But gradually things have been turning more and more back into what they used to be and it's getting harder and harder for me to stay connected with her. It's as though she senses that I'm emotionally attached to her again and that gives her more license to push my boundaries.

I really do love her and she has many great qualities, and we have a bond when things are good that I value deeply, but I don't feel safe with her. My partner is very concerned and doesn't want me to have anything to do with my sister anymore, but I love her and I feel like I am in an impossible position. The pain of loss of that connection is a lot to deal with. She's the only family I have left. It's extremely painful to contemplate not having her in my life. The grief I experienced during the 6 months of no-contact (during which time I believed was a permanent disconnection) was extremely difficult. It's difficult to contemplate facing that grief again.
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learnedtolive660

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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2018, 03:33:40 PM »

I know how you feel.  I am.sorry.
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2018, 03:58:07 PM »

I am so sorry for the position you are in with your sibling.

Your story reads very similar to my own, with my sister.
I did my best to set boundaries, yet, it did no good as she would still unleash her dysregulation onto me, exposing myself and my child to her abusive ways.  I found that there was no way to have a non abusive relational dynamic with her. 

I have been NC with my sis over 10 years.
We were raised in foster care.  I speak to none of the foster family.  She was my last family member.  Yet, I felt it necessary to place my sense of emotional safety over our relationship.  I really really tried.  I really wish there was a way to make her behavior tolerable, yet, it is completely unacceptable for a person to treat me or my child as she does.  She has no ability to care if she hurts me and actively seeks to cause emotional harm when she is unglued.  Her behavior progressed over the years.  She escalated to paranoia towards me, and dealing with that, was my last straw.  I became on edge about having her in my and my child’s life.

Imo, we have a need to feel safe.  We deserve to be able to feel safe in our own homes, with our immediate family.  If someone cannot respect my right to ensure my own physical and emotional sense of safety, then they have no place in my life.

I need to put my oxygen mask on first. I need to tend to my immediate needs first.  If a person cannot tolerate that about me and sabotages my self care efforts (via banging on my door all hours, ringing my phone like crazy trying to stress me out because of their percieved “crisis” interrupting my work week routine and need for sleep, etc because their emotions/desire to yell profanities at me are more important than my boundaries/things in life that help me... .  then they are causing me harm!)

However, on the otherhand... .if I were able to find a way to engage in a relationship with her, and uphold my boundaries.  I would.  It simply was not possible.  She did not allow a relationship under those conditions. She is not available for that type of dynamic.
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strength_love

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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2018, 07:27:56 PM »

Thank you for your kind responses. I am sad to hear that you've had similar experiences/feelings. It is not fun, or anything I'd wish on anyone.

Is anyone here familiar with the type of memory manipulation that I've written about above? I have tried researching online to find information on how to address it but either my Google-fu is not serving me well there or it's not something people have written much about specifically. I'm eager to hear if anyone else has had to deal with this. It's truly crazy-making.

I feel like if my sister wasn't 'messing with my head' in that way, and if her stories weren't potentially impacting other social relationships I have I might be willing to tough it out a bit but I feel like there is too much potential for damage to my sense of what's real, and too much potential for broader social awkwardness and difficulty in other relationships because of her behavior.
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2018, 09:57:26 PM »

Some call it gas lighting
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Turkish
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« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2018, 10:36:25 PM »

Gaslighting, a term derived from the classic movie,  refers to deliberative actions by the perpetrator enacted to drive the victim insane.  This isn't a BPD behavior, though it may often feel like it to us.  For me: "you stole my purse, you and your kids stole my money,  they are both missing,  see?" (My mom, giving several evidences in her mind). "You never loaned me $3k at the beginning of our r/s. I'd remember that!" (My ex). It wasn't with arguing these points. 

Christine Ann Larsen, author of Understanding The Borderline Mother,  says that for pwBPD, "lying feels like survival." It's a dysfunctional coping mechanism with which they use to cope with disordered emotions. It's more comfortable, or safer, than dealing with reality. The difference between this behavior and gaslighting (practiced by sane, but criminal types), it's that it has more to do with them than you.  This might help explain what's going on:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria

Reasoning with this isn't going to get anywhere.  
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strength_love

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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2018, 06:09:04 PM »

I'm well aware of gaslighting as a concept, and I'm aware that this behavior is gaslighting, I'm just wondering how prevalent this specific type of gaslighting is and if there is any material available that discusses this particular type of gaslighting. I mean, claiming someone's memories and experiences as your own is a very weird thing to do and is damaging and scary behavior. I can't be the only person experiencing this particular sort of gaslighting.

She is literally trying to steal my identity, it seems. It certainly feels like I'm being eaten alive at times.

Like, I totally understand why a BPD person might recast the history of a conflict - for example, when they did something really destructive and don't want to be accountable for that behavior so they change the story to cast themselves as somehow a victim instead. What I don't understand or what I find more alarming is when events and memories that belong to someone else and are completely unrelated to that type of scenario are taken over and recast with themselves as the center.

For example, my sister and I left home at 16. She and I shared an apartment for the first few years after leaving home. Between the ages of 16-18 I cared for an elderly lady who lived in our building. I would cook and clean and shop for her and spend countless hours sitting and talking with her. My sister had almost no relationship with this woman. A while back I was talking with my sister's roommate and she casually said, "Yeah, (my sister) used to take care of an old lady who lived in her building." and went on to describe what I had done for years, which my sister had no part in.

When I tried to clarify things my sister's roommate reacted as though it was ME trying to claim my sister's deeds as my own. It was extremely upsetting. I confronted my sister about it, fully knowing that she knows the truth of what happened. My sister insisted that we both took care of the woman, and that I was just being horrible and selfish in 'editing her out' of my memory of the events. The thing is I know that is not what happened, and others who were present around that time can confirm that.

She has done this with other situations as well. One time when I was in high school I was accused of plagiarizing an essay I wrote. I had spent hours and hours researching and writing that essay and at the time it felt like one of my greatest academic accomplishments, so it was devastating to be accused of plagiarizing. It took a lot of push-back and effort on my part to prove I had written it myself. I remember this whole experience like it was yesterday because it colored my attitude toward school for years to come.

My sister claimed it was her essay that was accused, and then later revised to say both of us were accused. It simply isn't true.

These types of scenarios seem particularly cruel and bizarre and damaging. I could see if it was just her saying "I didn't do that terrible thing I don't want to be accountable for" and rewrite history in those cases, but to cast herself as central within memories and experiences that are mine for no obvious reason... .it's just hard to understand.
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Turkish
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« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2018, 10:13:38 PM »

It sounds like she's mirroring (see here for more) to the extreme. 

People with BPD often suffer from a lack of a core sense of self. In short, she may not really know who she is,  so mirroring you and internalizing your actions for her own is how she copes. You know the truth.  That others do not angers you, understandably.  These behaviors are indeed bizarre.  Like the author of Understanding The Borderline Mother says,  "to the Borderline, lying feels like survival."

To understand the pathology behind these behaviors,  many members here have found this book useful. 

Understanding the Borderline Mother - Christine Ann Lawson PhD

I found it useful for both my mother and my ex. 
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strength_love

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« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2018, 06:19:46 PM »

Thanks so much for that insight and for the reading suggestion. It makes so much sense and gives me a new way of looking at an issue that has bothered me for decades. Much appreciated.

I think part of the problem, too, is that my sister was always somewhat in my shadow. My mother was always comparing us almost as a way of driving a wedge between us so she could control every aspect of our relationship. I got better grades, was much more outgoing than her, did better in sports, etc. so my sister always seemed to fall at the short end of our mother's comparison. I tried hard throughout my life to fill that gap my mother left by supporting and encouraging my sister as best I could, but I think in retrospect that it actually created a dynamic where my sister now feels entitled to my continued support regardless of her behavior. I think that I unwittingly helped create this beast.

I will definitely read that book, it sounds like it might help me a lot.
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LeneLu
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« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2018, 10:10:23 AM »

Strength_love,
Yes, YES and YES!  My sister has taken my actions as her own!  While not quite as elaborately as yours, it is just as bizarre.  Now at least I know (and you know) that you aren't the only one with this experience.  I have read several of your posts.  You describe this dynamic so well that I feel like you have read my mind.  Thank you for the time and effort you have put into describing your situation.  It has been affirmative for me. 

My problem is that I can go NC for a while, but eventually, I am going to have to see my sister (family weddings, etc).  She recently told wrote me "you haven't seen my anger".  So, I am really not looking forward to seeing her.  While people in my family know that she is "off", she hasn't been diagnosed and doubt she ever will be.  How do I make my family understand without being the one to say she is BPD? I feel that the only way she will get help is if everyone supports her in it, but that means confronting her (and my family facing some realities about her upbringing that will feel like blame).  I don't know what to do that is best for her and improves the situation.

K
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Panda39
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« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2018, 10:49:42 AM »

I've seen my SO's uBPDxw do this type of behavior using a story in the news on the internet.

Just as some background she had no job and lived on alimony & child support.  She was evicted 3 times, couch surfed and lived/lives in hotels.

One of the things she did/does is say that she is buying a house in an affluent area around Denver... .we're talking half a million dollar homes.

During one instance of this she told her kids she was buying a house (lie #1) but she was waiting for it to be ready (lie #2) and then told them she couldn't move in because some kids broke in and had a party and destroyed the inside of the house (lie #3).  There was a story in the news from another part of the country at the time where this did happen to someone else, but she made it hers.

So taking your stories might be easiest because she knows them more intimately, but it also seems that stories can come from anywhere.

Panda39
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« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2018, 10:53:36 AM »

Panda39,

Do you think that she really believed those things at the time?
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Panda39
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« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2018, 11:10:37 AM »

I think she needed to believe them.  It might be one of those feelings = facts kind of things... .that she had to see herself as a good mother who was going to provide this amazing house for her daughters.  It's very sad that she felt she needed to do this, but also incredibly painful to her daughters who desperately wanted to believe their mom... .who were again lied to and let down.

Kind of classic BPD, fear of her daughters abandoning her, desperately trying to hold on to them with grandiose promises that are really lies, her daughters feel betrayed and withdraw further away from her.

Panda39
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strength_love

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« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2018, 03:04:46 PM »

Thanks for sharing your stories. It helps me to feel not quite so alone. The nature of gaslighting is such that it's easy to start to wonder if I'm going crazy, or imagining things. I've actually started to question memories that I know she had no part in, and it bends my reality in really uncomfortable ways. Like the essay memory. She's so adamant that both of our essays were accused, and so nasty to me when I show any reluctance to accept her version, that I've been second-guessing it and feeling more and more confused. My partner doesn't want me to have anything to do with my sister and says I've been getting 'further down the rabbit hole' since she and I have been back in touch and I can't disagree with that assessment.

I'm trying to decide whether to just compromise and let these and other disputed memories be 'both of our experience' for the sake of keeping the peace and 'letting go' of the weirdness. I rationalize this by telling myself I know the truth of what happened and I don't lose much by 'sharing' them with her - I don't need these events to make myself feel more than I am, while she does seem to need them - but I worry that it will be the thin end of the wedge and will embolden her to do this more and more.

How do I make my family understand without being the one to say she is BPD?

I personally would be wary of trying to convince anyone else of what's going on because a BPD person could easily turn it and them against you.

Perhaps the best thing to do is "give them enough rope to hang themselves" as the unfortunate expression goes. Give the BPD person space and latitude to mess things up themselves. I'm not suggesting trapping or baiting them, rather just trusting that if things go untreated it will eventually get to the point where others will have to wake up.

Perhaps others have more assertive suggestions but that's what I would personally do.
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