BPD wife of 10 years left me and two kids for an affair with married man

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have come here many times just to read and understand what I am going through.  I am 36, have two children (3) and (9), and this past Christmas would have been our 9th wedding anniversary as we've been together physically for 10 years. 

This past year towards the end of our relationship and after I found out about the second affair that my wife had, she was clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

History:  She's 35, came from a broken home, mom abandoned the family when wife was 9 with new guy, wanted to start a new family, father got custody of her and her two brothers and she raised her two brothers and took the role of "mom" and took care of her dad. 

I met my wife and the relationship moved fast.  Within the first month I had found nudes on her phone she sent another man.  I told her I wasn't into that relationship and I didn't want this so I told her I'd drop her off at home and we wouldn't see each other again.  She went ballistic and cried and begged saying it was someone before we started dating etc.  When things progressed sexually, I told her I wanted to wait because I thought she was special (boy do I know now she was special... .) She was inclined to jump in the sack, but I waited. I didn't wait too long... .We were pregnant after dating for about 3 months.  She told me she couldn't have kids and that she tried with her previous husband.  The first year was rough.  She moved out while pregnant and moved in with her mom.  Said she couldn't stand to be around me and began talking and confiding in her ex husband. 

We eventually bought a house and had our baby boy.  I had a stable job and income and supported her.  She was finishing college trying to become a teacher.  We were married in 2008... .the relationship was up and down.  In 2010 she filed for divorce.  I talked her out of it and begged her for counseling and to address issues we had because we had a family and we should fight to keep it.  She dropped the divorce, we made up, and had some great times together. 

As I progress now I see her first marriage was from 2004 to 2006, a two year cycle, where she left him after having multiple affairs, moved back home, and I met her in 2007. She was prior military where she met him and he was military as well. 

2012 rolls around with the two of us and she decides to sleep with her moms neighbor the night before she leaves to go to Mexico for about 3 days.  I found out about this as she left her messenger open and she was trying to court him into attention and a relationship and he wasn't having it.  He was engaged.  Long story short I contacted him, his fiancee, and let them know what happened.  My wife moved out, left for about a month, then she came back.  Said she was sorry, that she regretted it, wanted to be the best wife and mother she could be.  I took her back.

2013... .my wife talks to me about needing a chase and a hunt for men... .the dumb thing we did and I agreed to was that she started webcam modeling.  The attention she received and the excitement she felt and the change in her personality was like she was a completely different person... .she said this was a way for her to not cheat or have to chase, but she got attention, she was able to become someone else, get dressed up, take on a new identity online.  The longer she did this, the more it bothered me as I saw comments that men made to her.  But... .I was weak and low at this point and accepted this because it made her stay and she was there for our son.  2014 we had our second child, a daughter.  She stopped camming, things were looking up.  She started camming again in 2015... .

In 2015 she was caught having an emotional affair with my best friend for about 4 months.  It devastated me.  He and I played in a band together, we worked together, and were friends... .he's thus left employment with me and I don't see him anymore because he said he carried too much guilt from doing this.  She on the other hand never had guilt. 

In August of 2016 she began talking to a married man on KIK.  I believe she met him on the webcam site she broadcast on.  She's in Oklahoma, he was in Canada.  He was married, 6 years older than her, had a wife of 20 years and a 15 year old daughter.  They carried on their hidden relationship from August 2016 until I found out about it in May 2017.  He left his wife and filed for divorce saying he was in love and had found his soulmate in December of 2016.  My wife hid hers so well... .continually telling me she loved me, planning things as a family would do.  She was a teacher, had won local awards, ran for a state beauty pageant, all this was new for her and different than what I was used to.
She travelled to a modeling shoot in St. Louis in April 2017 where she slept with this man for the first time.  They had planned a life together.  They talked about having kids, being soulmates, and leaving their spouses and being together. 

When I found out in May 2017, I was devastated and broken.  I couldn't believe it.  She told me she thought I was having an affair and that I was hiding it and that I didn't love her and that she wasn't good enough for me.  I told her I always loved her and wanted our family.  She said she cut off all ties to this man.  So, the summer of 2017 went on... .me thinking there was no contact. 

This man began threatening me via text over the summer threatening blackmail, extortion, etc. to my job.  My wife swore she wasn't talking to him.  I end up contacting this mans wife in June to let her know what had happened as she was in the dark.  She just thought her husband was leaving for another woman locally as he told her he was in love. 

We had family vacations all through the summer, started counseling,things were looking up.  My wife told our kids things were fine.  I noticed she started asking me to refinance things for her etc. She started talking about wanting to get a second home to flip and work on as a project together.  I thought nothing of this at the time.  Fast forward... .in August she asked for a divorce out of nowhere.  This threw me.  I found the first burner phone she had kept all summer on August 21... .after we had an amazing date weekend and made the most passionate love... .she was still keeping in contact. 

I packed my bags and told her she had to chose.  She couldn't chose so I left.  I came back a few hours later to get my things... .she was laying on the floor crying saying she told him she chose her family.  So, I took her back.  We had yet another incredible September/October. 

She decided to go see a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD in 2017... .it would only be a month later my marriage was completely over.  After her diagnosis on October 24 I told her I would stick with her and we would beat this because it had a name and I'd do whatever it took to help her. 

I left town on business a few days later... .and he came to America... .to Oklahoma... .to my house, slept with my wife and stayed for the weekend.  She sent the kids away.  This would continue behind my back and only because I caught it on security camera. 

The next time he came down, her mother watched the kids.  I found out the mom was in helping her have the affair and cheat and be with this man.  The first weekend in November I had to leave for Memphis.  I had a terrible feeling something was off.  I told her.  She yelled and screamed at me that I was paranoid and that she was tired of me accusing her and that she couldn't be trusted... .all the while I didn't know but he was right beside her while I was gone.  This time she left the kids with her mom in my home to sneak outside and sleep with him in our RV. 

I came back into town November 8th... .something in my gut was telling me to go to her closet.  She was in bed asleep and the kids were up playing when I made it in about 10 p.m.   I went right to her old military fatigues and inside the pocket my greatest fear came true... .another burner phone.  I pulled it out... .cried... .knew the lies she told all summer about family, love, and future were not happening... .BPD was real and I was living it.  I woke her up and showed her the phone... .she told me if I saw what was on it I would kill her... .she packed her bags and left the kids and home and me.  She would go on to see him that weekend in Texas... .ignoring calls from her kids and me, asking for answers.

I filled for divorce afterwards.  I was awarded temporary custody of our children... .she was ordered to seek court ordered therapy on the basis of her BPD diagnosis.  Since then I've tried to keep no contact.  She hates me, she has tried to hurt me emotionally, and even physically which was a big part of why I was awarded the children.  She recently was placed on admin leave pending an investigation when parents found out about her webcam activity.  If you remember, she is an elementary school teacher. 

After she was released in December, she and her lover from Canada tried to extort and cause me harm at my job via threats etc.  I have maintained no contact through this as we were ordered to utilize a court website to communicate about kids only.  We were restricted from contacting each other, visiting each others residence, etc. 

Since this has happened, she's had packages of items she's bought him sent to our address on purpose, asking me to deliver those to her.  She's had mail sent to our home and not changed her address.  I just give them to my attorney so her attorney has to be paid for picking up her mail.  I have the kids in counseling, they are taking it hard.  I'm still taking it hard and confused.  Its like the 10 years was a lie.  She seems to think she's the happiest and most joyous she's been with this new guy who cheated on his wife and left.  He flies down and sees her. 

Recently I took the threats of extortion to his back yard in Canada.  He is now facing two felony counts in Canada.  She's facing multiple counts of contempt of court, lost her job, lost her home, lost custody of her kids... .and even before this I was blamed for all of it.  Too controlling, she said I was a father figure, etc.  All I did was look out for her when she made terrible decisions whether financial or just in daily life.  I felt like she was a teenager I looked after. 

Right now she very rarely talks to kids while I have custody.  She might send a text or two, but little phone conversation.   She acts like nothing has happened, she can't understand why people can't accept her new lover, she says the kids will be fine, she can't understand why I'm upset and can't move on over night.  Immediately upon getting a new house and moving out, her home was filled with photos of her and the new lover.  I was painted black.  In the last conversation I spoke with her she said she was obsessed with romance and she loved him and he made her happy and didn't make her feel like anything was wrong with her... .she said she never thinks of me, she wanted to leave me for 9 years, she never loved me, that I should just move on.  Then she said I was an amazing man whom she never deserved and she couldn't picture a future.  She said she had commitment issues... .sometimes she blames me for everything but then she has moments where she apologizes and says I'm sorry it was me. 

At the moment I'm waiting final trial both here for divorce from her... .and in Canada where I will fly back and testify.  My children when with me are happy, taken care of, active... .in Oklahoma its rare for a male to receive custody in these matters if that tells you anything about how the judge viewed her. 

What I struggle with is all the questions... .why... .was anything real... .why do I struggle with still loving her and wanting her back... .I know its not healthy.  I don't date, I haven't moved to anyone else, I've stood on my own.  It's been about 2.5 months since she moved out and just left us overnight. 

One thing I will mention... .I have had daily conversations with her lovers wife in Canada.  We have become a support system for each other... .she has testified to the Canadian authorities validating the extortion from her husband.  They are divorced but he has refused to send papers to her.  Ive talked to her more in three months than I believe I talked to my wife of 10 years... .which is sad.  Some of our phone calls will last 3 hours plus... .which is another thing.  My wife tracks my phone calls because the court ordered her to continuing paying for our family plan.  Why does it bother my wife and her new lover that me and his ex wife talk all the time?  It drives them crazy?  They discarded us, we became friends and help each other cope, and they claim we plot against them and are upset about the amount of time we speak to each other. 

This whole thing is crazy.  I'm lost but getting my way back slowly but I know I have years of things to work on to recover.  It seems like she's doing fine on social media with new pics, smiles, and no worries... .I disappeared overnight and I don't exist.  In my heart and mind she still has a place and will always.  Any help or advice... .I've told my attorney no matter what, make me proceed with this divorce, no backing out if she comes back and pleads and begs... .I know the cycle would just repeat.   

[LostInOklahoma]

I have come here many times just to read and understand what I am going through.  I am 36, have two children (3) and (9), and this past Christmas would have been our 9th wedding anniversary as we've been together physically for 10 years. 

This past year towards the end of our relationship and after I found out about the second affair that my wife had, she was clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

History:  She's 35, came from a broken home, mom abandoned the family when wife was 9 with new guy, wanted to start a new family, father got custody of her and her two brothers and she raised her two brothers and took the role of "mom" and took care of her dad. 

I met my wife and the relationship moved fast.  Within the first month I had found nudes on her phone she sent another man.  I told her I wasn't into that relationship and I didn't want this so I told her I'd drop her off at home and we wouldn't see each other again.  She went ballistic and cried and begged saying it was someone before we started dating etc.  When things progressed sexually, I told her I wanted to wait because I thought she was special (boy do I know now she was special... .) She was inclined to jump in the sack, but I waited. I didn't wait too long... .We were pregnant after dating for about 3 months.  She told me she couldn't have kids and that she tried with her previous husband.  The first year was rough.  She moved out while pregnant and moved in with her mom.  Said she couldn't stand to be around me and began talking and confiding in her ex husband. 

We eventually bought a house and had our baby boy.  I had a stable job and income and supported her.  She was finishing college trying to become a teacher.  We were married in 2008... .the relationship was up and down.  In 2010 she filed for divorce.  I talked her out of it and begged her for counseling and to address issues we had because we had a family and we should fight to keep it.  She dropped the divorce, we made up, and had some great times together. 

As I progress now I see her first marriage was from 2004 to 2006, a two year cycle, where she left him after having multiple affairs, moved back home, and I met her in 2007. She was prior military where she met him and he was military as well. 

2012 rolls around with the two of us and she decides to sleep with her moms neighbor the night before she leaves to go to Mexico for about 3 days.  I found out about this as she left her messenger open and she was trying to court him into attention and a relationship and he wasn't having it.  He was engaged.  Long story short I contacted him, his fiancee, and let them know what happened.  My wife moved out, left for about a month, then she came back.  Said she was sorry, that she regretted it, wanted to be the best wife and mother she could be.  I took her back.

2013... .my wife talks to me about needing a chase and a hunt for men... .the dumb thing we did and I agreed to was that she started webcam modeling.  The attention she received and the excitement she felt and the change in her personality was like she was a completely different person... .she said this was a way for her to not cheat or have to chase, but she got attention, she was able to become someone else, get dressed up, take on a new identity online.  The longer she did this, the more it bothered me as I saw comments that men made to her.  But... .I was weak and low at this point and accepted this because it made her stay and she was there for our son.  2014 we had our second child, a daughter.  She stopped camming, things were looking up.  She started camming again in 2015... .

In 2015 she was caught having an emotional affair with my best friend for about 4 months.  It devastated me.  He and I played in a band together, we worked together, and were friends... .he's thus left employment with me and I don't see him anymore because he said he carried too much guilt from doing this.  She on the other hand never had guilt. 

In August of 2016 she began talking to a married man on KIK.  I believe she met him on the webcam site she broadcast on.  She's in Oklahoma, he was in Canada.  He was married, 6 years older than her, had a wife of 20 years and a 15 year old daughter.  They carried on their hidden relationship from August 2016 until I found out about it in May 2017.  He left his wife and filed for divorce saying he was in love and had found his soulmate in December of 2016.  My wife hid hers so well... .continually telling me she loved me, planning things as a family would do.  She was a teacher, had won local awards, ran for a state beauty pageant, all this was new for her and different than what I was used to.
She travelled to a modeling shoot in St. Louis in April 2017 where she slept with this man for the first time.  They had planned a life together.  They talked about having kids, being soulmates, and leaving their spouses and being together. 

When I found out in May 2017, I was devastated and broken.  I couldn't believe it.  She told me she thought I was having an affair and that I was hiding it and that I didn't love her and that she wasn't good enough for me.  I told her I always loved her and wanted our family.  She said she cut off all ties to this man.  So, the summer of 2017 went on... .me thinking there was no contact. 

This man began threatening me via text over the summer threatening blackmail, extortion, etc. to my job.  My wife swore she wasn't talking to him.  I end up contacting this mans wife in June to let her know what had happened as she was in the dark.  She just thought her husband was leaving for another woman locally as he told her he was in love. 

We had family vacations all through the summer, started counseling,things were looking up.  My wife told our kids things were fine.  I noticed she started asking me to refinance things for her etc. She started talking about wanting to get a second home to flip and work on as a project together.  I thought nothing of this at the time.  Fast forward... .in August she asked for a divorce out of nowhere.  This threw me.  I found the first burner phone she had kept all summer on August 21... .after we had an amazing date weekend and made the most passionate love... .she was still keeping in contact. 

I packed my bags and told her she had to chose.  She couldn't chose so I left.  I came back a few hours later to get my things... .she was laying on the floor crying saying she told him she chose her family.  So, I took her back.  We had yet another incredible September/October. 

She decided to go see a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD in 2017... .it would only be a month later my marriage was completely over.  After her diagnosis on October 24 I told her I would stick with her and we would beat this because it had a name and I'd do whatever it took to help her. 

I left town on business a few days later... .and he came to America... .to Oklahoma... .to my house, slept with my wife and stayed for the weekend.  She sent the kids away.  This would continue behind my back and only because I caught it on security camera. 

The next time he came down, her mother watched the kids.  I found out the mom was in helping her have the affair and cheat and be with this man.  The first weekend in November I had to leave for Memphis.  I had a terrible feeling something was off.  I told her.  She yelled and screamed at me that I was paranoid and that she was tired of me accusing her and that she couldn't be trusted... .all the while I didn't know but he was right beside her while I was gone.  This time she left the kids with her mom in my home to sneak outside and sleep with him in our RV. 

I came back into town November 8th... .something in my gut was telling me to go to her closet.  She was in bed asleep and the kids were up playing when I made it in about 10 p.m.   I went right to her old military fatigues and inside the pocket my greatest fear came true... .another burner phone.  I pulled it out... .cried... .knew the lies she told all summer about family, love, and future were not happening... .BPD was real and I was living it.  I woke her up and showed her the phone... .she told me if I saw what was on it I would kill her... .she packed her bags and left the kids and home and me.  She would go on to see him that weekend in Texas... .ignoring calls from her kids and me, asking for answers.

I filled for divorce afterwards.  I was awarded temporary custody of our children... .she was ordered to seek court ordered therapy on the basis of her BPD diagnosis.  Since then I've tried to keep no contact.  She hates me, she has tried to hurt me emotionally, and even physically which was a big part of why I was awarded the children.  She recently was placed on admin leave pending an investigation when parents found out about her webcam activity.  If you remember, she is an elementary school teacher. 

After she was released in December, she and her lover from Canada tried to extort and cause me harm at my job via threats etc.  I have maintained no contact through this as we were ordered to utilize a court website to communicate about kids only.  We were restricted from contacting each other, visiting each others residence, etc. 

Since this has happened, she's had packages of items she's bought him sent to our address on purpose, asking me to deliver those to her.  She's had mail sent to our home and not changed her address.  I just give them to my attorney so her attorney has to be paid for picking up her mail.  I have the kids in counseling, they are taking it hard.  I'm still taking it hard and confused.  Its like the 10 years was a lie.  She seems to think she's the happiest and most joyous she's been with this new guy who cheated on his wife and left.  He flies down and sees her. 

Recently I took the threats of extortion to his back yard in Canada.  He is now facing two felony counts in Canada.  She's facing multiple counts of contempt of court, lost her job, lost her home, lost custody of her kids... .and even before this I was blamed for all of it.  Too controlling, she said I was a father figure, etc.  All I did was look out for her when she made terrible decisions whether financial or just in daily life.  I felt like she was a teenager I looked after. 

Right now she very rarely talks to kids while I have custody.  She might send a text or two, but little phone conversation.   She acts like nothing has happened, she can't understand why people can't accept her new lover, she says the kids will be fine, she can't understand why I'm upset and can't move on over night.  Immediately upon getting a new house and moving out, her home was filled with photos of her and the new lover.  I was painted black.  In the last conversation I spoke with her she said she was obsessed with romance and she loved him and he made her happy and didn't make her feel like anything was wrong with her... .she said she never thinks of me, she wanted to leave me for 9 years, she never loved me, that I should just move on.  Then she said I was an amazing man whom she never deserved and she couldn't picture a future.  She said she had commitment issues... .sometimes she blames me for everything but then she has moments where she apologizes and says I'm sorry it was me. 

At the moment I'm waiting final trial both here for divorce from her... .and in Canada where I will fly back and testify.  My children when with me are happy, taken care of, active... .in Oklahoma its rare for a male to receive custody in these matters if that tells you anything about how the judge viewed her. 

What I struggle with is all the questions... .why... .was anything real... .why do I struggle with still loving her and wanting her back... .I know its not healthy.  I don't date, I haven't moved to anyone else, I've stood on my own.  It's been about 2.5 months since she moved out and just left us overnight. 

One thing I will mention... .I have had daily conversations with her lovers wife in Canada.  We have become a support system for each other... .she has testified to the Canadian authorities validating the extortion from her husband.  They are divorced but he has refused to send papers to her.  Ive talked to her more in three months than I believe I talked to my wife of 10 years... .which is sad.  Some of our phone calls will last 3 hours plus... .which is another thing.  My wife tracks my phone calls because the court ordered her to continuing paying for our family plan.  Why does it bother my wife and her new lover that me and his ex wife talk all the time?  It drives them crazy?  They discarded us, we became friends and help each other cope, and they claim we plot against them and are upset about the amount of time we speak to each other. 

This whole thing is crazy.  I'm lost but getting my way back slowly but I know I have years of things to work on to recover.  It seems like she's doing fine on social media with new pics, smiles, and no worries... .I disappeared overnight and I don't exist.  In my heart and mind she still has a place and will always.  Any help or advice... .I've told my attorney no matter what, make me proceed with this divorce, no backing out if she comes back and pleads and begs... .I know the cycle would just repeat.   

[Jeffree]

What I struggle with is all the questions... .why... .was anything real... .


This is a question that many here struggle with. While the answer might be different for everyone, I suspect that these things start off as real at first. But then the demons kick in and her issues begin to mount, and before you know it she's not seeing you for who you are but rather who she is afraid you can become. Sadly, even the idealization phase also is chock full of unreality.

why do I struggle with still loving her and wanting her back... .I know its not healthy. 


Another great question. I suspect it's not the abusive person she has morphed into that you want back, but rather the dynamic, mesmerizing one who made you feel as though you were her everything and could do no wrong. It's that rare person who you seemed to click on all cylinders with you want back, no.

Unfortunately, that person doesn't exist anymore.
 
I don't date, I haven't moved to anyone else, I've stood on my own.  It's been about 2.5 months since she moved out and just left us overnight.

No need for you to do anything but begin the process of healing and moving on, be an excellent parent to your kids, and be there for yourself.

I know it seems crazy, but she is literally not the person you initially met anymore. I'm sorry you're so upset with all of this. It gets better. You just have to hang in there.

J

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear LostinOK-

I am so so sorry for the deep and raw pain that you're feeling.  While I commend you for telling your attorney to not let you change your mind, YOU'RE in charge of YOU.

Maybe look at it this way... .your soon to be ex-wife (stbxW) was assisted in her deceit by her destructive Mother, for crying out loud.  :)o you want your  3-year old little girl to be around this manipulative and crass behavior and become the third generation to act like this with men when she grows up?  :)o you want your son to treat women as disposable and not learn about love?  I feel that by being awarded custody, you have been given the huge chance and the BLESSING to save your children from a life of heartache.

So many questions... .what was real?  Was she real? Was the love real?  So hard to answer.  It seems that pwBPD feel things so intensely "in the moment".  So I would say "yes", in the moment when the love is being expressed, it is being felt.   But most of us know that switch can be flipped at any second... .and some other feeling can replace that "love".  

I do not believe that pwBPD and pwNPD love the way "nons" do.  They just don't have the staying power.  And they do not seem to have vision that extends beyond themselves, so they are blind to the devastating impact of their actions.  I would not want to be like that... .

I remember after the one violent incident and months of stalking and terrorizing me, my ex-husband of 19 years (who was I don't even know what)  said to me... ."well Gemsforeyes, love means more to you than it does to me".  And I said  "Then the way I see it, you have lost a LOT, and I have really lost nothing... ."

My dear LostinOK,  you won't always be lost.  You will learn, that you don't HAVE to compromise your beliefs and values to "keep" a loved one in a relationship.  That's not how it works.  That's a form of abuse.  It would be so good for you to gather your support people around you (us included); tell your truth, and realize that NONE of this is your fault.  We love who we love.  We sometimes get very hurt from it, we hopefully learn from it.  And then we really try to NOT repeat what we've done before.  And if talking with the woman in Canada is more healing than painful, then so be it.  BUT... .if that friendship is stalling your healing, then tell her it's time to move on to more healthy topics.  You can still help one another.

There is something I can say with almost certainty.  Your wife will not ever have answers for you, but if things sour with her lover, she may try to recycle you.  And that is why you need to build your strength.  We all need to learn the phrase... ."Thanks, but no."

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Speck]

Wow.  Just wow.

I really appreciate your telling your story, here.  Yes, it resonates with me because I, too, know what it's like to have a wife like yours, but mostly, I applaud your courage to write every single word.  I can tell that this experience has been a gut-wrenching deal for you, and I just wanted to write to tell you that I read your whole story, every word.  I hope that you can find a way to dig deep and eventually heal from this extremely emotionally traumatizing experience.

You deserve a Bro Hug.  And a medal.


-Speck

[TurbanCowboy]

Unbelievable how much of your story hits home with mine.  My 10 year relationship has just ended.

My wife too initiated sex early when I was willing to wait.

Sounds like your wife projected onto you a lot just like mine did.

My mother in law was a huge enabler, my wife constantly ran to her after starting fights.  I called out my mother in law, she refused to help. Pretty sure she has BPD as well and gave it to my wife.

My wife has a replacement already living in our house, doesn’t understand why I care.  The replacement is taunting me, lying, total prick.  My son calls him Papi.

This relationship started over the summer, wife swore up and down nothing was going on when it was clear something was.  I caught her.  Scared that she didn’t have him locked up my wife tried hard to work things out for 10 days but she relapsed.

My wife has told me the 10 years was a complete waste.  Yet she was always worried about me cheating. Again, projecting.

It’s simply amazing how similar the playbooks are with a lot of us.  It’s the same pattern and thinking.

[Turkish]

Of course they will view your conversations with his exW as plotting against them.  Don't volunteer information.  Divorce by nature is adversarial, even low conflict divorces. I'm glad that the kids are with you and safe 

As for what was real... .it was for a time.  One would think that kids would solidify that bond but the emotional needs of some people can be too strong, the needs of emotional validation. I beat my head against a wall how my ex could phone it in as a mom to kids she seemed desperate to have.  Good for you to being the parent your kids need.