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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Over 4 weeks no contact, healing, but still haunted by memories  (Read 463 times)
Maxpax2011
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« on: January 27, 2018, 08:54:00 PM »

It has been over 4 weeks since the last communication I had with my BPD ex. It has been a struggle, I still think about her, and her daughter. I am still haunted by the memories, and I still have dreams of them. My last dream I had, she contacted me and asked about setting up a visit with her daughter. I hate having these dreams, they are not real, all they do is remind me of the loss.

I have been in therapy, and I am starting to realize my pattern of behavior in my past relationships since my divorce. My ex-wife alienated my children from me, for many years. I missed so much time and so many important events with them. I have no contact with my oldest son, he hasn't spoken to me in over 3 years. I guess through therapy I learned I spent these past 12 years trying to find something to make up for the loss I felt with my children. I spent 7 years with a low functioning BPD woman, who could not keep a job, had very low intellect, and I felt I had to take care of her like a Father takes care of his child. We had a very unhealthy relationship. I guess I was just trying to fill the void I felt since my divorce. After we broke up, I thought I would be able to find a more mature and healthy relationship with a woman.

This brought me to my latest BPD ex. She had a daughter I was very close to. I was able to do things with her, I could not with my children. Helping her with her school work, buying her stuff for school. Spending holidays together, going to her school functions. It was very full filling for a time. We would cuddle and watch TV together. Go to the park with the dog. But as with any BPD relationship, it was toxic and unstable. I realized I stayed longer than I should have for the child. We broke up and got back together so many times. I kept going back for the daughter I think. Going back to try and create the family that I felt was lost after my divorce. The last time I tried, the exBPD was so angry, and so abusive, it was not the same, and it was never going to change. I knew if I left this last time, that it would be the end, and she would cut me off for good. And I knew I would never see her daughter again.

I left. And as I suspected, that was the last time I saw her. I left in September and have not seen her since. Her mother did everything she could to hurt me, triangulated me with the new partner, the jealousy games, throwing him in my face, they spent Christmas together. Right after they got together she posted a pic with him and her daughter on Facebook. She did everything she could to show me that I was completely replaced. I thought after my ex-wife I would never feel such cruelty and hurt, and this shocked the hell out of me. A woman I loved and shared everything with, who knew what my ex-wife put me through, she knew the unstable relationship I had with my children, and she used all that to hurt me as much as she could, and to add insult to injury, she is telling people that I am obsessed with her, and that I am stalking her, she also had the new partner contact me on Facebook to brag about their sex life.

My heart was broken over and over again. The level of cruelty is still unimaginable. I know they say we should not take it personal as this illness is what drives these people to do such horrible actions, but they know it hurts us, they know what hurts us, yet they still do it, over and over again. So yes I am taking it personal. I never went out of my way to hurt anyone, never did anything intentional to be cruel. I am sure most of the people on this board haven't either, yet we are the ones who are suffering at such cruelty by people who are mentally ill. We are left with being haunted by the loss, and they move on like nothing happened.  
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ConcernedMan92

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« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2018, 09:26:44 PM »

Brother I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this, I can't even imagine what it must be like but from what i'm reading I can clearly see that you are an incredibly strong person. I literally just woke up from a dream, crying no less after I woke up, saw myself begging to my ex fiance not to leave. It's true that the dreams make our days harder to function and it's actually much harder when kids are involved, but you need to take care of yourself in this situation, concentrate on improving yourself, do anything that keeps you busy and lets you somehow forget what has happened. I know its not easy, it never is, but you just have to keep trying.

I know what that feels like, its like that deep connection you had with someone only to realize they're fake. But you can't really blame anyone as this disorder has an identity problem, they can quickly change their minds and you wont know how it happened. I don't know what God has in store for us all, but im sure its only going to get better. Time will heal all wounds, we are all here for you. Be strong brother 
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hope2727
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« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2018, 09:48:08 PM »

The end of relationship like these is so powerfully traumatizing. I am so so sorry you are enduring this. I know that this is of no comfort at all but I can assure you that it does get better with time. One month is not long in a situation like this. It will be four years for me in May and I still dream of my ex once and awhile. I still love and miss him. You are allowed to miss yours too. It was an important relationship and you entered it with all sincerity.

I think of it as a terrible physical wound. Like being in a horrific car wreck and suddenly waking up in the hospital with massive injuries. Except you woke up in your own bed with massive emotional injuries. If they were physical it would take a long time to stabilize, heal and then rehab back into life fully. This will too. But you will heal. Just take as long as you need. And keep posting here. IT will help. 
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Zen606
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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2018, 12:51:07 AM »

I believe the emotional wounds hurt so much more when one goes into the relationship in a sincere manner and acceptance of the person as they are. That we did not know about BPD or traits as indicators of the behaviors we were witnessing on the part of the ex, later putting 2 and 2 together, adds to the hurt.  There is so much emotion and confusion during and after the relationship, that it is a wonder if we ever "get over it".   

But we'll be OK, because this experience makes us stronger, wiser, and much more aware than we were before, and prepares us for when we meet someone else.

Zen606
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Maxpax2011
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« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2018, 03:05:14 PM »

Brother I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this, I can't even imagine what it must be like but from what i'm reading I can clearly see that you are an incredibly strong person. I literally just woke up from a dream, crying no less after I woke up, saw myself begging to my ex fiance not to leave. It's true that the dreams make our days harder to function and it's actually much harder when kids are involved, but you need to take care of yourself in this situation, concentrate on improving yourself, do anything that keeps you busy and lets you somehow forget what has happened. I know its not easy, it never is, but you just have to keep trying.

I know what that feels like, its like that deep connection you had with someone only to realize they're fake. But you can't really blame anyone as this disorder has an identity problem, they can quickly change their minds and you wont know how it happened. I don't know what God has in store for us all, but im sure its only going to get better. Time will heal all wounds, we are all here for you. Be strong brother 

Thank you, and I understand what your saying, I just feel cheated, I actually fell in love with her, and thought she was the one, only to find out that she did not value me as I valued her, to her I was just another guy it seemed. Learning from her past history, and seeing how she moved on with someone else, basically cutting me out of her life like I never existed, makes me feel like I was cheated out of enjoying a loving relationship with someone. I know it is an illness, but why are we the good ones that have to pay the price? The ones that truly loved them. I am not perfect, I made mistakes in the relationship, but I was always willing to make things right, and try and make it work. It was never enough no matter what I did, and when I could not take it anymore, she just found someone else and ghosted from my life like we never existed together. And the worst part wasn't even her moving on, it was how she did it, so hurtful and so cruel in the way she cut me out of her life. Was any of it real? Did she really love me? Or was I really just another guy? I will probably never know, and maybe it's for the best. Again thank you for the support.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2018, 04:53:45 PM »

Maxpax, I'm sorry to hear how you're struggling.  I too had vivid dreams for a long time, however eventually they became less frequent and now seem to have stopped.  I wouldn't be surprised if there is the occasional one in the future.  Our minds have a lot to do to work through what has happened and these dreams are one way of your brain trying to process it all.  It's great to hear you're investing in therapy and it sounds like you've made some great progress there.  Keep up the great work.  What you're working through is hard stuff, so be extra kind to yourself as you go through this process. 

Excerpt
Was any of it real? Did she really love me? Or was I really just another guy?

BPD sufferers feel emotions intensely.  The reality is she probably loved you more than she could bear.  She will have struggled with fears of abandonment and engulfment as a result of loving you and this will have triggered maladaptive coping mechanisms which no doubt you're fully aware of.  What is important to note is that a pwBPD lacks the relationship skills to form a healthy and sustainable long term r/s.  The idealisation stage is what is craved and when that doesn't last, moving into the next stage of a loving r/s in an emotionally mature and healthy way, is extremely difficult for a sufferer.  This in itself can create the cycles of behaviour we experience that are so difficult for us to cope with emotionally.  Not a healthy dynamic at all.  This is what is meant when it is said that BPD relationships are not built to last.         

Many partners recycle these relationships numerous times, often to find the pain only becoming worse when the idealisation doesn't last.  Sometimes we must go through pain in the present to avoid much more pain in the long term.  Letting go, whilst so incredibly hard, is also freeing when the time comes, as it allows us to look forwards and focus solely on our own healing.  You're making great steps on this in a relatively short time by seeking to understand yourself better.  Have you read the Lessons?  I found it helped me to keep a check on how I was doing, as it allows us to see how far we've actually come. 

Working through this is a process, and isn't easy, but worth going through to get to the other side.  We will walk with you. 

Love and light x 
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Maxpax2011
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Posts: 138


« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2018, 05:13:38 PM »

Maxpax, I'm sorry to hear how you're struggling.  I too had vivid dreams for a long time, however eventually they became less frequent and now seem to have stopped.  I wouldn't be surprised if there is the occasional one in the future.  Our minds have a lot to do to work through what has happened and these dreams are one way of your brain trying to process it all.  It's great to hear you're investing in therapy and it sounds like you've made some great progress there.  Keep up the great work.  What you're working through is hard stuff, so be extra kind to yourself as you go through this process. 

BPD sufferers feel emotions intensely.  The reality is she probably loved you more than she could bear.  She will have struggled with fears of abandonment and engulfment as a result of loving you and this will have triggered maladaptive coping mechanisms which no doubt you're fully aware of.  What is important to note is that a pwBPD lacks the relationship skills to form a healthy and sustainable long term r/s.  The idealisation stage is what is craved and when that doesn't last, moving into the next stage of a loving r/s in an emotionally mature and healthy way, is extremely difficult for a sufferer.  This in itself can create the cycles of behaviour we experience that are so difficult for us to cope with emotionally.  Not a healthy dynamic at all.  This is what is meant when it is said that BPD relationships are not built to last.         

Many partners recycle these relationships numerous times, often to find the pain only becoming worse when the idealisation doesn't last.  Sometimes we must go through pain in the present to avoid much more pain in the long term.  Letting go, whilst so incredibly hard, is also freeing when the time comes, as it allows us to look forwards and focus solely on our own healing.  You're making great steps on this in a relatively short time by seeking to understand yourself better.  Have you read the Lessons?  I found it helped me to keep a check on how I was doing, as it allows us to see how far we've actually come. 

Working through this is a process, and isn't easy, but worth going through to get to the other side.  We will walk with you. 

Love and light x 

So you think because her love for me was to intense that when we broke up, it was her defense mechanism kicking in, which painted me black, and I was portrayed as a horrible guy so she could easily move on?  In our last conversation we had, it was not entirely terrible, we even discussed trying to be friends at some point. The last thing I said to her was... .I wish you the best, I will always care for you, and I am glad you found a guy who could give you what I couldn't... .But a week later is when she went on this tirade of cruelty and painting me black. Flaunting everything on social media, putting out posts that I am stalking them, and having the new partner contact me to brag about how great their sex life is.  Two weeks before they got together she said she still loved me, and missed me. She even called me one Friday night drunk wanting to see me, which is when I found out she was seeing this guy. That Monday I went to see her at work, and even though it was only a couple minutes, we held hands and kissed, and she said we would talk at some point. Two weeks later they announced their relationship on Facebook. The push/pull dynamic was so confusing, I could not wrap my head around it. She started sending me these complicated memes about love and closure. One minute it seems she might be coming back then the next she is with someone else. I just can't understand the chaotic emotions that she was exhibiting, I don't think I will ever understand it. Within weeks you go from loving someone to hating them with all your being, and throw your new partner in their face in the most crude way? It rivals even the antics from my divorce. Truly insane. I doubt if I will ever make sense of it.
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In a bad way
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« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2018, 09:26:12 PM »

Thank you, and I understand what your saying, I just feel cheated, I actually fell in love with her, and thought she was the one, only to find out that she did not value me as I valued her, to her I was just another guy it seemed. Learning from her past history, and seeing how she moved on with someone else, basically cutting me out of her life like I never existed, makes me feel like I was cheated out of enjoying a loving relationship with someone. I know it is an illness, but why are we the good ones that have to pay the price? The ones that truly loved them. I am not perfect, I made mistakes in the relationship, but I was always willing to make things right, and try and make it work. It was never enough no matter what I did, and when I could not take it anymore, she just found someone else and ghosted from my life like we never existed together. And the worst part wasn't even her moving on, it was how she did it, so hurtful and so cruel in the way she cut me out of her life. Was any of it real? Did she really love me? Or was I really just another guy? I will probably never know, and maybe it's for the best. Again thank you for the support.

I couldn't have put that better myself, it's what I struggle with everyday. Mine didn't replace me straight away, at least not to my knowledge or even if I have been replaced now, but I wouldn't be surprised because she has done it to other people before me.
Everything else you wrote I fully understand how it feels, mine was wearing my engagement ring the last time I saw her.
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Bo123
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« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2018, 06:23:20 PM »

MaxPax2011--  I think things can only improve for you after all this.  I would look for the small gains rather than a quick fix which none of us that I know have yet to find.  In a BPD relationship or a healthy relationship you CAN'T HELP BUT TAKE IT PERSONAL, so your feeling is 100% normal.  The only way to not get hurt is to not love and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Believe you have good news coming your way, at least I think so.  Take the smallest gain and hold onto it and you'll soon feel the improvement.  Not as fast as you like, but you will.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2018, 07:17:44 PM »

Excerpt
So you think because her love for me was to intense that when we broke up, it was her defense mechanism kicking in, which painted me black, and I was portrayed as a horrible guy so she could easily move on?  In our last conversation we had, it was not entirely terrible, we even discussed trying to be friends at some point.

Yes, the behaviours you see are coping mechanisms.  It's likely that the breakup is seen as a betrayal, so to deal with the pain and rather than accept her own actions which would cause her to feel shame (the most toxic emotion to a sufferer of BPD) she paints you as the horrible guy and projects everything onto you.  What is important to remember is that BPD causes black and white thinking or Splitting.  You are either all good or all bad.  Any perceived slight can cause you to be split black.  To a pwBPD, feelings=facts and the intense emotions can shift dramatically and very quickly.  So it's not unusual to see that a BPD ex partner declared love one week and hatred the next, or wants to see you then starts a smear campaign.

Willingness to remain friends can be an indication of wanting to keep you 'in the picture', as you're the most recent person to engage in a r/s with her and this may make you vulnerable to recycle, should things go south with the new r/s. 

What are your feelings towards her presently?  How are you doing in yourself?

Love and light x 
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Maxpax2011
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« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2018, 09:18:14 PM »

Yes, the behaviours you see are coping mechanisms.  It's likely that the breakup is seen as a betrayal, so to deal with the pain and rather than accept her own actions which would cause her to feel shame (the most toxic emotion to a sufferer of BPD) she paints you as the horrible guy and projects everything onto you.  What is important to remember is that BPD causes black and white thinking or Splitting.  You are either all good or all bad.  Any perceived slight can cause you to be split black.  To a pwBPD, feelings=facts and the intense emotions can shift dramatically and very quickly.  So it's not unusual to see that a BPD ex partner declared love one week and hatred the next, or wants to see you then starts a smear campaign.

Willingness to remain friends can be an indication of wanting to keep you 'in the picture', as you're the most recent person to engage in a r/s with her and this may make you vulnerable to recycle, should things go south with the new r/s.  

What are your feelings towards her presently?  How are you doing in yourself?


Love and light x  


I am doing alright, been throwing myself into school, I am studying for my bachelor's, I have been dating a little, spending time with family and friends, I started going to the gym, trying to get into shape. How do I feel about her? I still miss her, the feelings are still there, not as strong, but still feelings. I am still angry, still hurt. I shared everything with her, I truly thought she was the one. I miss our talks, we used to talk about everything, our first date we spent 9 hours together, talked all night. I miss that sometimes. I know it is over, and I know I could never trust her again, even as a friend. Having her in my life in any way shape or form would be toxic. But I think that is what hurts the most. I still dream about her. I have had several dreams about her. And I maybe had one or two dreams about a previous ex over the years. But I have had at least 5 in the last 3 months of her. Very vivid dreams. Wonderful dreams. She is so beautiful and so sweet in my dreams, and I hate it because when I wake up I know that who she is in my dreams is not who she is  in reality.
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araneina
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« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2018, 09:25:20 PM »


I know it is over, and I know I could never trust her again, even as a friend. Having her in my life in any way shape or form would be toxic.


Isn't that a weird feeling?  I know my relationship with my ex was toxic, I KNOW I was miserable - hell, I even have a journal entry stating, verbatim, "I am miserable." - and yet I miss him.  How is it that we can think two diametrically opposed things together at once?  It's frustrating as hell.
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